Put it under the soap!
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap!'
Well, you need a chainsaw, and a bag of frozen peas. You use the chainsaw to cut a hole in the ice, and then carefully arrange the peas around the hole. Then when the Polar Bear comes along to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
Because it was dead.
I am not racist in any way and this joke does not express my opinion
I hold absolutely nothing against the Jewish community and would like to apologise in advance iff i offend anyone
anyway, how do you know a jew is living next door
there is wet toilet paper hanging on the washing line
Two friends - Jeremy and Colin - are sitting in a bar drinking beer. Colin says to Jeremy "I know everyone in the world."
Jeremy says "That's bullsh*t. How can you possibly know everyone in the whole world?" Colin says "I just do..."
Jeremy says to him "Okay, prove it. Prove to me that you know Madonna".
So they fly out to Los Angeles, knock on Madonna's door, and she answers..."Colin! How are you! Long time no see!"
Jeremy says "Okay, so you know her, big deal. Prove to me that you know the president of the USA".
So they fly out to Washington DC, and enter the oval office. The president says "Hey, Colin! How have you been?"
"I don't believe this", says Jeremy. "Okay, one last one. Prove to me that you know the pope."
So they fly over to the Vatican. There's a massive crowd outside the church waiting for the pope to step onto the balcony. Colin says to Jeremy "He won't see me in this huge crowd. Let me go inside and talk to him".
So Colin goes up to the balcony and talks to the pope for a few minutes, then comes back down to the crowd to find Jeremy fainted on the ground. He asks him "What happened?"
Jeremy says "I was doing just fine until everyone around me started saying "Who's that man on the balcony up there with Colin?"
"You bet I am," says the duck. "If you could just get this guy out from under my ass, that'd be swell."
Kermit's full attention.
*slow clap*Oh hi. So, how are you holding up? Because I'm a potato.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
Did you hear about the big story up in Frisco? Police were called to a Day Care up there. Apparently a three year old was resisting a rest.
What was the name of the roundest Knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference.
By the way, I'm giving out dead batteries, free of charge.
Y'know, in Democracy it's your vote that counts, but in Feudalism it's your Count that votes.
A grenade fell on to a kitchen floor in France. You know what it resulted in? Napoleon blown apart.
Hey, what's the difference between your privates and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus.
"Well that's what all of my friends told me," said the patient. "But I can assure you I feel good."
"But you look awful!" the doctor reiterates.
"Yeah, but I feel good," insists the patient.
The doctor ponders this for a bit. "Looks awful, feels good... looks awful, feels good... I've figured out your problem, sir. You must be a vagina!"
I had bacon and eggs.
This next one is long, and I can't exactly remember how all of it goes, but it is related to 1403:
So there was this doctor who kept every foreskin from every patient he'd ever circumcised in a jar of formaldehyde. Well after about 30 years, he finally retired, and had jars and jars of foreskins just lying around, so he decided to have a leathersmith make something out of all of them. When he asked the doctor "well just what do you want me to make out of all of these", the doctor said "I don't know, just do what you can". Well nearly a year went by, when the doctor finally got a call to come into he shop and pick up his project. So he gets in there and asks the leathersmith what he was able to make out of it, and he says "a wallet." "A WALLET?!?" the doctor says. "A Wallet? but there were a nearly a thousand foreskins in there!" "I know", said the leathersmith. "But if you give it a rub, it'll turn into a suitcase."
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you..."
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
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