The Ones who Walk Away from South Park

Put your fan fiction here, and keep it nice.

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The Ones who Walk Away from South Park

Postby youreabsurd24 » Wed Aug 15, 2012 9:29 pm

Based on Ursula K. LeGuin's The Ones who Walk Away from Omelas.



[STAN, KYLE and a slightly thinner CARTMAN are standing at the bus stop as usual.]

STAN: Hey, are you guys coming to my party tomorrow?

KYLE: Duh, dude, we're your best friends.

CARTMAN: Yeah, dude, we aren't gonna miss this.

STAN: Awesome. It'll have to be kind of short though, 'because my mom's taking me somewhere afterwards.

KYLE: Where?

STAN: I don't know, she wouldn't say.

CARTMAN: Maybe she'll take you to Casa Bonita or something.

STAN: No, dude, she'd take all of us there if it were Casa Bonita.

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah. Anyway, my mom gave me some extra lunch money, do you guys need any?

KYLE: I'm okay, thanks anyway. Your mom is so awesome, Eric.

CARTMAN: Not as awesome as yours, dude. Your mom lets us do whatever we want when we're at your house.

[The bus pulls up, and the boys get on. They greet the friendly driver, who smiles and waves at them to sit down.]


[The third graders are sitting in their desks when the bell rings, and Mr. Garrison enters the room.]

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to start a new unit in history, on the American Revolution. So back in 1774, the American colonies-[STAN is raising his hand.]-Yes, Stanley?

STAN: I just wanted to remind everyone that my birthday party's tomorrow afternoon. My mom's making homemade vanilla ice cream, so it's gonna be sweet.

GARRISON: Thank you, Stanley, I'm sure everyone here will be there, and happy birthday. Now, where was I? Oh yes. The American colonies were under the rule of King George III, who was King of England, and they...[Voice fades as we fast forward another hour, to the end of class. The bell rings.]...okay, that's the bell. Go out to recess, now.

[The class talks about the American Revolution as they leave, seemingly fascinated with the subject material.]

STAN: Mr. Garrison is such a great teacher.

KYLE: I wonder if teachers are always this good, or if our school is just really awesome.

[BUTTERS approaches the three boys.]

BUTTERS: Oh, hey, Stan. Uh, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be at your party.

STAN: [cheerfully] Okay, Butters, I'll see you there.

[BUTTERS leaves.]

KYLE: Dude, Butters is so cool.


[The boys are lined up for lunch in the cafeteria.]

CARTMAN: It's a shame we can't get Chef to make food for Stan's party, 'because that would make it even more awesome.

KYLE: More awesome than your mom's pie?

STAN: My mom's ice cream is gonna be good, too. It'll be perfect with Eric's pie. Thanks for getting your mom to make it, Eric.

CARTMAN: It was my pleasure.

[It's the boys' turn to get lunch from CHEF. They line up in front of the kitchen.]

CHEF: Why, hello there, children!

BOYS: Hey, Chef.

CHEF: How's it goin'?

BOYS: Good.

CHEF: Mr. Garrison told me that your birthday's coming up, Stan. You little childrens are growin' up so fast.

STAN: Yeah, and my mom is making ice cream for my party!

CARTMAN: And my mom's making pie!

CHEF: Why, that sounds great, children. Are you ready for my special salisbury steak?

BOYS: Yeah!

[CHEF hands the boys their trays.]

CHEF: And children, to celebrate your birthday, here's a little song!

[CHEF sings a traditional birthday song. Then the BOYS sit down at a table.]

STAN: Wow, everyone seems excited about my birthday today.

[WENDY sits down at the BOYS' table.]

STAN: Hi, Wendy.

KYLE and CARTMAN: Hi, Wendy.

WENDY: Stan, you're turning nine?

STAN: Yeah.

WENDY: Then why are you so excited? Don't you know what happens when you turn nine in South Park?


STAN: No, why?

WENDY: Staaan...

[The GIRLS call Wendy over to their table.]

WENDY: [whispers] They're gonna make you-

BEBE: Come on, Wendy!

WENDY: But they-

[BEBE walks over and drags WENDY to her table.]

STAN: What the heck was that about?

KYLE: I don't know, dude.

CARTMAN: Maybe there's a special rite of passage for nine-year-old boys where they take you to Casa Bonita and-

KYLE: Dude, we already thought of that.

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah.

KYLE: Stan, you should tell us what it is after your birthday's over. I bet it's awesome.

STAN: Everything here is pretty cool already. I don't know if South Park could get any better.

[Loud scare chords play as the boys continue eating their salisbury steak.]


[STAN's house. The third grade class is eating pie and talking in the living room. STAN is wearing a birthday hat.]

STAN: This is the best birthday ever, right guys?

CARTMAN: I'm seriousleh...too awesome to process...mind-can't-take-it...

KYLE: It sure is, dude. I can't wait for my ninth birthday.

[Enter SHELLEY, who is smiling and carrying a trash bag.]

SHELLEY: Okay, put your paper plates in here.

[SHELLEY collects the paper plates.]

SHELLEY: Happy ninth birthday, Stan!

STAN: Thanks, Shelley!

[SHARON enters.]

SHARON: All right, kids, thanks for coming. Stanley needs to clean up his room.

CLASS: Awww...

STAN: Bye, guys! [To SHARON] Aww, Mom, do I have to?

SHARON: No, Stanley, you have to come with me now. We're going on a special birthday trip.

STAN: Okay!

[STAN and SHARON get in the car and SHARON drives through the neighborhood. A deep voice is heard over the sounds of the car.]

NARRATOR: Little did young Stan know that his awesome life in South Park was about to change.

[Scare chords.]


[Louder scare chords as SHARON parks on the McCormicks' driveway. Fade to black.]

The Trilogy
Posts: 104
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Re: The Ones who Walk Away from South Park

Postby The Trilogy » Wed Aug 15, 2012 10:43 pm

Oh yeah! I remember reading that short story. The Ones who Walk Away from Omelas. Omelas was a dystopian city of happiness and delight, whose inhabitants are smart and cultured, right? Good story.

Can't wait to see what happens next. :D
Posts: 145
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2012 10:13 pm

Re: The Ones who Walk Away from South Park

Postby maytess12 » Sun Aug 26, 2012 11:52 am

Well, this just got interesting.
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2012 8:43 am

Re: The Ones who Walk Away from South Park

Postby youreabsurd24 » Tue Sep 04, 2012 3:02 am

Thanks, guys! Here's Act 2.



[STAN and SHARON are walking towards the front door of the McCormick household.]

STAN: Mom, what are we doing here? This is just somebody's house.

SHARON: Be quiet, Stan. I'll explain when we're inside.

STAN: But, Mom-

[SHARON knocks on the door, and CAROL answers.]

CAROL: Oh, hello, Sharon. Is your little boy nine years old?

SHARON: Yes, Carol, Stanley's all ready.

STAN: Ready for what?


CAROL: Why, you're going to meet my Kenny tonight.

STAN: Is Kenny your husband or something?

SHARON: Don't be rude, Stanley. Can we come in?

[SHARON and STAN step into the unusually clean house.]

CAROL: Come this way to the basement.

STAN: What?

SHARON: Come along, Stan.

[CAROL opens a creaky door near the kitchen. It leads to a dark, downward staircase.]

CAROL: Kenny's waiting for ya downstairs.

STAN: Who's Kenny?

SHARON: Stan, Kenny is a little boy about your age. Everyone in South Park goes to meet him when they turn nine.

STAN: Why?

Because if you want to live in South Park, you have to pay a price.

STAN: What's that supposed to mean?

SHARON: You see, Stan, a town as happy as ours needs to…pay for its happiness with a little boy like Kenny.

STAN: What does that mean, and what do I have to do?


SHARON: You have to kill Kenny.

[Scare chords.]


CAROL: My boy dies whenever one of you kids turns nine, and he always comes back. He's a brave little boy. He's been doin' this for years now.

STAN: Dude, I'm not killing anyone!

SHARON: You have to, Stanley.


SHARON: Everyone in South Park has to do it sometime! The rest of the town can't be happy if you don't just kill him.

STAN: I don't care!

SHARON: Stanley, you will go down into that basement and kill Kenny right now or you're grounded!

STAN: Fine, ground me, but I'm not moving!

[SHARON pushes STAN into the basement and locks the door behind him.]

STAN: Hey, let me out of here!

SHARON: (muffled) You'll have to do it sooner or later!

[STAN sighs and descends the stairs. In the basement, there is a large collection of weapons and a few candles. KENNY, wearing his trademark orange parka, steps out of the shadows.]


STAN: Uh…hi. You're Kenny?

KENNY: Yeah, who are you?

STAN: Stan Marsh. Dude, do kids actually have to kill you?

KENNY: Yeah.

STAN: And they all actually do it?

KENNY: Pretty much.

STAN: Does it hurt?

KENNY: Yeah, a lot. Can you shoot me in the head? That way's the fastest.

STAN: I'm not killing you.

KENNY: I'm just gonna come back tomorrow. It's no big deal.

STAN: It is a big deal, because hurting people is wrong, no matter what. My mom told me that.

KENNY: Dude, she probably killed me when she was a kid.

STAN: How long have people been killing you?

KENNY: I don't know, I don't keep track of time.

STAN: They just keep you locked up down here? How do you eat?

KENNY: They bring me food and stuff. Plus, sometimes, my dad sneaks his old Playboy magazines down here so I don't get bored.

STAN: Oh…well, I still don't want to kill you.

KENNY: You can't leave until you do.

STAN: Sure I can. I'll just make it look like I killed you, then they'll open the door and I'll run home.

KENNY: You sure? I thought bad things happened when you don't kill me.

STAN: I don't care about the bad things. I'm not going to kill you. So can you play along? I'll fire a gun at the floor, then you pretend to be dead.

KENNY: Okay, whatever.

[STAN takes a handgun and fires it at the floor. KENNY screams dramatically and collapses.]

STAN: (shout) Okay, Mom, I'm done!

[The door opens. STAN runs up the stairs and out of the basement.]

STAN: Ha! I outsmarted you! I didn't really kill Kenny!

SHARON: Stanley, you are grounded until you apologize to Mrs. McCormick for bothering her!

STAN: Why should I apologize for not killing her son? She should be happy!

CAROL: Son, I don't mind that much. I've been doing this for centuries. Your mother's right.

SHARON: See, Stanley, she's fine with it.

STAN: Well, I'm not fine with it, and if you can't accept that, then I'll just go home myself!

[STAN runs out of the house and towards home. SHARON runs out to her car and drives past him. Finally, STAN makes it home. SHARON is waiting for him outside.]

SHARON: March right to your room, mister. I'm going to have a talk with your father.

STAN: (panting) Fine—I—will…

[STAN goes inside, SHARON right after him.]


[STAN's room. STAN is sitting on his bed, scowling. RANDY and SHARON enter.]

RANDY: Stan, we're going to have a little talk.

SHARON: We need to discuss your behavior earlier today.

STAN: I didn't do anything wrong.

RANDY: You didn't listen to your mother, and then you ran away from her.

STAN: So what?

SHARON: So, Mr. Smart-Aleck, I'm your mother, and you need to listen to me, because I know what's best for you.

STAN: No, you don't. You don't even know that killing is wrong.

RANDY: Don't speak to your mother like that, Stan. She was only trying to help you have a happy life.

STAN: So Kenny's life doesn't matter to any of you? Does it only matter that the rest of us are happy?

SHARON: Would you rather live in a town where no one is happy, instead of a town where only one person isn't happy?

STAN: We can't make that decision for Kenny by keeping him locked up in a basement and killing him every time someone turns nine. Everyone should have the same rights, no matter how happy our town seems to be.

SHARON: All right, young man, if you're going to keep acting this way, then you'll just have to stay in your room for the rest of the evening. You can come out when you're ready to apologize. And you're grounded until you're ready to go back and kill Kenny.

STAN: Fine, I'll just stay here all night, then.

RANDY: That's fine with us. We'll see you tomorrow morning.

[RANDY and SHARON exit. STAN resumes sitting and scowling.]

NARRATOR: Now, Stan Marsh knew the terrible secret—but could he resist killing Kenny forever? Or would he be persuaded by the horrors of a different South Park?

STAN: Ugh.

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Re: The Ones who Walk Away from South Park

Postby youreabsurd24 » Mon Sep 17, 2012 5:52 am



[The Marshes’ kitchen. STAN and SHELLEY are eating breakfast at the table.]

STAN: Thanks for helping out at my birthday party Shelley.

SHELLEY: Shut up, turd.

STAN: Uh, what?

SHELLEY: I told you to shut up.

STAN: Okay…

[SHARON enters.]

SHARON: All right, Stanley, your father and I have decided that you need to see Kenny again, so that you can see how important it is to the town that you kill him.

STAN: I don’t want to see him again, and I’m not killing him.

SHARON: Young man, you’re killing Kenny whether you like it or not. We’re taking you to the McCormicks’ as soon as you get home from school today.

STAN: But, Mom—

SHARON: No buts. Now hurry and finish your breakfast. You need to get to the bus stop soon.

[SHARON leaves.]

STAN: Shelley, what did you do when you turned nine?

SHELLEY: Let me show you.

[SHELLEY stands up and pulls STAN out of his chair, then throws him against the wall.]

STAN: Agh, Shelley what was that for?

SHELLEY: Shut up, turd, before I kill you. And stop being a wuss and just kill the little turd before Mom kills you.

STAN: Shelley, are you feeling okay?

{SHELLEY punches STAN into the wall and leaves.]

STAN: That was…weird…


[Bus stop. KYLE is already waiting for the bus when STAN arrives.]

KYLE: Hey, dude, how was your weekend?

STAN: Awful. I got grounded on Saturday, and now I can’t do anything fun all week.

KYLE: That sucks. Why’d you get grounded?

STAN: I’ll tell you when Cartman gets here. Wait, here he comes.

[CARTMAN arrives.]

CARTMAN: Hey, guys.

STAN and KYLE: Hey, Cartman.

CARTMAN: So where were you this weekend, Stan? Did you go to Casa Bonita?

KYLE: Dammit, Cartman, will you shut up about Casa Bonita already?

CARTMAN: What’s the matter, Jew? Did you forget to kill Jesus this weekend?

KYLE: Don’t belittle my people, fatass!

STAN: Jeez, what’s wrong with you guys today?

KYLE: He’s an anti-Semite and a fat assh*le!

CARTMAN: Ay, I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.

KYLE: Is that what your whore mom told you?
CARTMAN: Yeah, well, your mom's a bitch!
STAN: You guys sure are acting weird...but I need to tell you something, so listen for a second.
KYLE: What?

STAN: You know how I told you that my mom was taking me somewhere after the party?

KYLE: Yeah.

STAN: Well, she took me to where this creepy lady and her kid live, and the kid is locked up in the basement, and I was supposed to kill him.


KYLE: What.

STAN: No, really. His name’s Kenny, and he’s immortal, so every nine-year-old kid in town has to kill him or else something bad happens.

KYLE: What happens?

STAN: I don’t know, no one would tell me. But I didn’t kill him, so that’s why I’m grounded.

CARTMAN: Dude, that’s stupid.

STAN: I know it is, that’s why I didn’t kill him.

CARTMAN: No, I mean your story’s stupid.

KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.

STAN: I’m not lying, that really happened.

KYLE: Really?

STAN: Yeah.

KYLE: You’re sure?

STAN: Yes.

KYLE: Okay, I believe you, but only because you’re my friend.

STAN: Ask your parents when you get home. It really is true.

KYLE: Okay, I get it. That’s messed up and all, but why didn’t you just kill him?

STAN: Because it’s wrong to kill people, no matter what.

KYLE: But won’t something really bad happen now?

STAN: I don’t think anything bad has happened yet. Everyone’s acting really weird, though. Like my sister punched me this morning, and now you two are fighting—wait, maybe that is what happens.

CARTMAN: Oh, really? How could you have possibly guessed, Sherlock Holmes?

STAN: Shut up, Cartman.

[The bus arrives. Mrs. Crabtree is yelling indistinctly at the kids.]


[The fourth grade classroom. Everyone is sitting at their desks when the bell rings. MR. GARRISON enters.]

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let’s take our seats. I know we just started studying the American Revolution, but last night I watched a marathon of Glee episodes, so we’re going to study the first season today instead.

STAN: Uh, why?

MR. GARRISON: Because I said so, and I’m the teacher, you little assh*le.

STAN: You’re acting weird, too?

MR. GARRISON: I have no idea what you’re talking about, Stanley. Now, in the first arc, William was getting his soul sucked out by an evil succubus named Terri, who pretended to be pregnant so that…[Fast forward to end of class. Bell rings.] Okay, children, we’ll pick up where we left off after recess.

[The BOYS walk to the playground together.]

STAN: Do you guys remember Mr. Garrison ever acting like that?

KYLE: No, I don’t. I think you’re right, Stan. This must be because you didn’t kill Kenny.

CARTMAN: In other words, it’s Stan’s fault that Garrison isn’t cool anymore. Dude, you’re pissing me off now. You’d better kill Kenny soon, or else I’m gonna kick you squah in the nuts.

[STAN and KYLE both stare at CARTMAN.]

STAN: Wow, Cartman, I’m really scared.

CARTMAN: What? I’m serious.

[BUTTERS approaches the BOYS.]

BUTTERS: Hey, fellas!

STAN: Hey, Butters.

BUTTERS: Stan, your party was so awesome. You’re a real pal for inviting me.

STAN: You’re welcome.

BUTTERS: My parents were awful sore at me afterwards, though. I spilled a little ice cream on my shirt, so I got grounded. My dad was real mad.

KYLE: …okay.

BUTTERS: And then, I got grounded again because I was makin’ funny noises at the dinner table. But I wasn’t making a funny noise, I was just chewin’ my hamburger.

CARTMAN: Okay, Butters, just leave us alone.

BUTTERS: Okay, see you later, fellas!

[BUTTERS leaves.]

KYLE: Does Butters seem really lame to you guys?

CARTMAN: Yeah, he’s such a little pussy.

STAN: He doesn’t seem any different to me.

CARTMAN: Maybe Butters is really lame because of Stan, just like Mr. Garrison.

STAN: But he isn’t any different.

KYLE: Yeah, that makes sense.

STAN: Maybe you guys are just jerks now, so you see him as lame.

CARTMAN: Yeah, right.


[Cafeteria. The BOYS are in line for their food.]

STAN: I hope Chef isn’t any different.

KYLE: Yeah.

[The BOYS line up in front of the kitchen.]

CHEF: Hello there, children.

BOYS: Hey, Chef.

CHEF: How’s it goin’?

STAN: Bad.

CHEF: Why bad?

STAN: My sister beat me up this morning, Mr. Garrison is crazy, and Kyle and Cartman won’t stop fighting.

CHEF: Oh, children, everyone has that problem sometime or other. Here, let me sing you a little song. (Singing) I’m gonna make love to ya, woman, I’m gonna lay ya down by the fi-ah, and caress yo’ womanly bo-day…

STAN: Uh, Chef?

CHEF: (Singing) Make you moooan, and perspi-ah. I’m gonna get those juices flowin’…

STAN: Chef!

CHEF: What?

STAN: That doesn’t have anything to do with what I just said!

CHEF: Oh, I’m sorry, children. I’m just having another one of those days.

KYLE: Those days? What does that mean?

CHEF: Every few years or so, I have a couple days where I suddenly feel in the mood to make sweet love to all the women. It’s been at least five years since the last time that’s happened.

STAN: Every few years? So everyone turns really weird for a couple days every few years?

CHEF: That’s right, children.

STAN: So that means…I wasn’t the one who turned everyone like this!

KYLE: Huh?

STAN: It just happens every few years! I thought it was because I didn’t kill Kenny!

CHEF: You didn’t kill Kenny?

STAN: Of course I didn’t!

CHEF: But children, everyone has to kill Kenny. That’s the rule.

STAN: But why is it the rule?

CHEF: I don’t know, it just is. You know, come to think of it, one of you children always asks me about this when I’m having a day like this. I guess it is your fault.


CHEF: It’s okay, children, you just have to kill Kenny and everything will be okay.

STAN: Everyone says that.

KYLE: Stan, maybe Chef is right. Maybe it isn’t worth all this trouble not to kill him.

STAN: No it’s worth it.

CHEF: Ah, well. You’ll come round eventually, children. Well here’s your food.

[The BOYS take their food and sit down at an empty table.]

CARTMAN: All right, Stan, that’s it. You’d better kill Kenny soon or I’ll get really pissed off.

STAN: I wish there was a way I could get everyone to listen to me. Maybe if I showed them how much happier Kenny would be if he were free…wait, that’s it! I’ll break Kenny out of his basement and take him to school so he can meet all of us and be our new friend!

KYLE: Uh, Stan…

STAN: Then we can show everyone how much he likes South Park and they’ll see that not killing him is the right thing to do! I’m going over to his house tonight. Maybe I can figure out a way to sneak him out and then—

KYLE: Stan, I think you’re taking this a bit too far.

STAN: Huh? What do you mean?

KYLE: I’m just not sure you’re doing the right thing here. Everyone just seemed a lot happier before. Maybe it would be right to just kill him and get it over with so the rest of us can just go on with our lives.

STAN: But killing people can’t ever be the answer. There has to be another solution here.

KYLE: I don’t know, dude. I don’t think I want to break Kenny out of his house. My mom will get really mad at me if I do something like that.

STAN: Don’t you see there are more important things going on right now? Maybe we’ll get grounded, but a boy’s life is at stake here. We need to save Kenny before anyone else can hurt him, no matter what the cost!

[KYLE and CARTMAN glance at each other.]

CARTMAN: Uh, no thanks.

KYLE: Sorry, Stan, you’re on your own on this one.

STAN: Fine! I guess I’ll just do it all myself!

KYLE: I guess so.

STAN: Or I’ll just ask someone else to help me break him out! I bet Butters would want to help me!

KYLE: Go ahead.

STAN: Okay.

[STAN walks over to BUTTERS.]

STAN: Hey, Butters, can you help me with something?

BUTTERS: Well, sure, Stan!

STAN: Okay, there’s this kid that’s locked up in a basement. I need you to help me bust him out.

BUTTERS: Huh? You mean, help him run away?

STAN: Yes.

BUTTERS: But if I help someone run away, I’m gonna get grounded.

STAN: This is more important than getting grounded.

BUTTERS: Are you sure?

STAN: Yes, I’m sure.

BUTTERS: Oh, all right, then. I guess I’ll help you.

[WENDY comes over to join STAN and BUTTERS.]

WENDY: Hi, Stan.

STAN: Hi, Wendy.

WENDY: I was listening to you and Butters, and I want to help you save Kenny.

STAN: You were listening to us?

WENDY: I was trying to warn you about him, remember?

STAN: Yeah, but aren’t you nine?

WENDY: Yeah.

STAN: So doesn’t that mean you’ve already killed him?

BUTTERS: Huh? What are you fellas talking about?

STAN: Nothing, Butters.

WENDY: I did, because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. But I’ve regretted it ever since, and now I want to rectify what I did.

STAN: Are you sure? ‘Cause I can’t have any traitors involved.

WENDY: I promise I won’t betray you, Stan.

STAN: Okay. Here’s what we’ll do.

[STAN whispers unintelligibly to WENDY and BUTTERS as the scene fades out to the McCormicks’ house, where RANDY, SHARON and STAN are walking toward the door.]

SHARON: All right, Stanley, you had better be nice this time.

STAN: Ugh.

[RANDY rings the bell. CAROL answers.]

CAROL: Hello again, Mrs. Marsh. Won’t you come inside?

[The MARSHES step inside.]

RANDY: We’re sorry that our son Stan was being a little pussy a few days ago, and we’ve decided that—

SHARON: Randy, please.

RANDY: What? I’m just explaining.

SHARON: You don’t need to call our son sexist names, Randy.

RANDY: Well, he was being a pussy, and we’ve decided that the only way for him to step up and be a man is to understand the rich history of Kenny and his deaths.

CAROL: All right, then. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I know how to fix this. Come with me, Stanley.

STAN: Fine.

[CAROL leads STAN down to the basement, where KENNY is waiting.]

STAN: Hey, dude.


CAROL: Kenny, we need to explain to Stanley here why he needs to kill you. I know you don’t like getting killed by nine-year-olds all the time, but this is important to him and to his family.

STAN: No, it isn’t.

CAROL: Kenny was born about a hundred years ago in South Park, back when the town was gettin’ destroyed every week or so by killer snowmen and such. He was always gettin’ into trouble, and about when he turned eight, he was killed by one of the killer snowmen. Isn’t that right, Kenny?

KENNY: (reading porn) Yeah.

CAROL: He came back only a day later, and he kept dyin’ at the hands of South Park’s invaders until somebody realized that the monsters only showed up when the whole town was actin’ stupid for no reason. And then, someone else realized that everyone stopped actin’ stupid whenever Kenny died. So we decided that we needed to kill Kenny every so often to keep the monsters away.

STAN: You know how ridiculous that sounds, right? How could Kenny have been born a hundred years ago if he’s only nine? And how can his mom be still alive?

CAROL: Well, no one’s too sure about that part.

STAN: Seriously, no one’s wondered that before?

CAROL: No one’s wondered how Kenny’s still alive after all this time.

STAN: That’s supposed to make me feel better? Seriously, you people suck.

CAROL: Whatever you think of us, you need to kill Kenny or else the monsters will come back.

STAN: No, they won’t! No one in South Park now acts stupid for no reason!

[Upstairs, in the kitchen.]

STUART: So, do you want any Pabst Blue Ribbon?

RANDY: Yeah, sure.

SHARON: Randy, should we really be drinking right now?

RANDY: Sharon, you’re being a buzzkill right now. Let us men have our beer.

SHARON: But, Randy, our son might bring about the destruction of South Park!

STUART: All the more reason to drink.

SHARON: (sigh) All right, give me some, too.

[Outside. BUTTERS and WENDY are across the street from the McCormick household, dressed in black clothing.]

WENDY: Okay, let’s go over the plan again. Stan will sneak Kenny out after you distract the adults.

BUTTERS: I still don’t see why I have to distract them.

WENDY: It’s because you’re a boy, and like most boys, you’re loud and obnoxious, so you’ll catch their attention.

BUTTERS: Well, I guess so.

WENDY: And I’ll give Kenny my dad’s old orange parka so that he can disguise himself with the hood.

BUTTERS: Yep. Oh, boy, we’re helping people in need!

WENDY: Shh! Now, go and distract the adults.

BUTTERS: But how?

WENDY: I don’t know--figure it out.


STAN: Okay, fine, I’ll do it. But only to shut you guys up.

CAROL: All right, then. Kenny’s favorite way is with the little handgun—

STAN: Look, can you leave now? I don’t want anyone watching.

[CAROL goes upstairs.]

STAN: (whisper) Okay, dude, I have a plan to bust you out of here.


STAN: My friends are helping me to sneak you out so that you can show everyone how happy you’d be as a normal kid.

KENNY: Can I bring the magazines?

STAN: Sure.

[Upstairs. STUART and RANDY are fighting.]

STUART: Get outta here, ya assh*le!

RANDY: Screw you, redneck unemployed assh*le!

SHARON: Shut up, you’re both sh*t!

CAROL: You assh*les are drinkin’ all the beer and it’s makin’ ya crazy!

[BUTTERS bangs on the window.]

BUTTERS: Hey, you need to be distracted now…you understand me?

CAROL: Pieces of sh*t, now the neighbors are complainin’ again!

[STAN and KENNY peek into the kitchen.]

STAN: Okay, let’s go.

[They sneak past the kitchen and out the front door.]

KENNY: It’s kinda cold out here.

STAN: Yeah, my girlfriend is bringing you a coat as a disguise.

KENNY: You have a girlfriend? Does she have nice tits?

STAN: What?

[WENDY and BUTTERS appear.]

WENDY: Oh, good, you made it.

KENNY: Aww, it’s just you again.

WENDY: Yeah, well, here’s your disguise.

[KENNY puts on the parka.]

KENNY: Cool.

STAN: Okay, he’ll sleep at my house tonight and we’ll rotate on all the other nights.

BUTTERS: Okay, but if my parents find him, I’ll get grounded.

STAN: We know, Butters. Come on, dude, let’s go to my house. Hopefully this’ll all be over soon.

[KENNY reopens his magazine.]

NARRATOR: Stanley remains ignorant of the consequences of his actions, but will he se the truth soon? Will he be confronted with what South Park was one century ago? Will he be…surrounded by idiots?

STAN: Dude, shut up already.


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