[Lost Pilot Episode 0]
Japanese: "Today will be your ascension to the throne, Jesus."
Jesus Christ: "Wow, what an Honor."
Asian Cartman: "Wow, you've become Emperor, Dad!"
Jesus: "Yes, Son."
Japanese: "Sir, for Our God, We have what is called 'mutual aggression.'"
Emperor Jesus: "Yes, I have read your Bible. I really do not approve of War, but if that is how You Honor Your God, then so be it."
Asian Cartman: "Why is it that they fight?"
Jesus: "They fight for the Glory of God."
Asian Cartman: "But you always taught me violence wasn't the answer."
Jesus: "It's not, Son, but there is not just one true God, there is 13 true Gods under Him. The Japanese serve a different division of God than We do."
Asian Cartman: "I see. I see."
[Sometime, Jesus meets with His Brother, Hitler, the God of Fire]
Asian Cartman: "Wow, it's the God of Fire! I can't believe I actually get to meet you!"
Hitler: "Ha ha. I am honored. How do you do, Jesus?"
Jesus: "Not so good. I really dislike War."
Hitler: "I came to ask if it is okay if I punish the Jews for crucifying you? I want to give them Hell. And I want to give the sheep that actually allowed You to die Hell too!"
Jesus: "Very well. You are a separate but equal God under true God. If that is Your Will, then so be it. The jews, however, have no favor with God and are banished from the Kingdom of Heaven. Perhaps, you can purge them of their sins. That would please Me."
Hitler: "Yes, we will try to purge them of their sins."
Japanese: "Sir! It looks like the Americans are preparing to attack us. They have gathered all of their forces at the Kingdom of Hawaii."
Emperor Jesus: "Oh, but I thought they were a Christian Nation. Why is it that they want to fight us?"
Japanese: "We do not know. But from the intelligence we have gathered, we do not think they serve any God, but Satan Himself."
Emperor Jesus: "Hmm, that's odd."
Jesus thinks to Himself, "I am Satan..."
Japanese: "We will have to surprise attack them."
Emperor Jesus: "Very well. But, why do the Americans want to fight us? You are such a pure People."
Japanese: "It seems that Our culture threatens Their way of life. We suspect Their Nation is full of hypocrisy and greed."
Emperor Jesus: "Yes, I was not too happy when I had to deal with the innocent Japanese starving because of this one Nation America. I will have to reincarnate there next."
Asian Cartman: "Daddy, I don't understand. Why are the Americans fighting this war? Don't the Chinese serve the same God as the Japanese? But, what God do the Americans serve?"
Jesus: "I do not know. I won't know until death."
The People: "We don't want to fight the War."
The Government: "Very well. We will not fight."
But the government devised a heinous plan.
[December 7, 1941]
The Japanese surprised attacked Pearl Harbor.
Asian Cartman was visiting the Kingdom of Hawaii. [We watch Cartman witness the massacre, but the Japanese knew He was there, so He was never in any harm...just how He never gets harmed in any of the South Park episodes. But, before the attack, Cartman saw the Americans DID know the Japanese weren't about to attack. Those at the top decided to keep it a secret.]
It turns out, the American Government did, in fact, cowardly sacrifice the soldiers at Pearl Harbor.
The God of Wrath's blood boils at this Dishonor!
The carrier fleets were all conveniently out on last minute drills when they were actually supposed to be docked at Pearl Harbor. Had the Carriers been docked at Pearl Harbor, this would have made a huge difference.
General Yamamoto: "Damn! That was a trap! I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."
It makes my stomach so upset at how inaccurate the movie Pearl Harbor portrays the events. They even truncated this quote. America, you were filled with a terrible resolve. Your government, at least, was. How dare you delude yourselves into thinking you are the greatest Nation on the planet. You are the first Nation that the God of Wrath will destroy. You are the Nation that has led to the world so many f*cking times. And my life has suffered. Now, let us continue.
[Back at Japan]
Japanese: "Emperor Jesus, it was a trap!"
Emperor Jesus: "Yes, I sense that. I sense the wickedness in the air."
Asian Cartman: "Daddy, I was there. They knew it was coming, but they didn't tell the soldiers. Why would they do this?"
Jesus: "That confuses me, Son. I simply do not understand Myself."
Japanese: "Sir, We are not going to be able to defeat the Americans. We will fight until death! You will be the last one to die!"
Jesus: "Wow?! I will be the last one to die?!"
Japanese: "Yes, we will not let them slaughter Our God until the very end. You and Your Son will be one of the last to die!"
Jesus: "Wow, what a honorable and clean People you truly are. Unlike those filthy souls that just let the Son of God get crucified. I really don't understand why the Americans are still battling this war. Well, I will reincarnate as an American and figure out what the story is. Maybe they are serving a different God."
Asian Cartman: "Why didn't the jews save you from the cross?"
Jesus: "Well, Son, they were wicked, wicked People. My brother, Hitler, the God of Fire, has taught them a lesson."
[And so, the war continues. The Japanese fiercely battled the Americans.]
Americans: "Unconditional surrender, or this war will continue!"
Jesus: "Hey, they are willing to die for Their Honor and God, what are you fighting for?"
Americans snicker like Beavis and Butthead: "Unconditional surrender!!! We'll slaughter you."
Jesus: "Then slaughter it will be!"
[And so the war continues even longer.]
But, what amazes Me, the Americans dedicated all this brainpower and manpower to inventing, literally, Weapons of Mass Destruction. Yet, they can't invest this same brainpower and manpower to solving the Oil Crisis of the 60s and 70s or the cancer crisis of today or even diabetes. Wow! Truly, you have brought shame to God. And you, America, you will pay dearly for your sins for serving such a wicked government. If Jesus Christ, as an American, was able to figure all this out, then there is no reason you cannot either.
[And, so the Americans developed Weapons of Mass Destruction.]
present-day God hears the static.
present-day Jesus: "AHHH!! JESUS!!! That's right, the firebombing campaigns. How f*cking dishonorable. How cowardly."
[July 26, 1945]
Americans, again like Beavis and Butthead: "Heh heh heh, surrender or face prompt and utter destruction. prompt and utter destruction. Heh heh heh."
Jesus: "The Japanese do not know what surrender is. Let us continue this glorious battle in the name of whatever God you may serve!"
Americans snickering: "Prompt and utter destruction. We're cowards. We no not what Honor is. Prompt and utter destruction."
[August 6, 1945]
Jesus is just reading the news for the day. Reading the list of soldiers that have died.
Jesus is doing the sign of cross for each page. "Amen, amen, and amen to you, and you."
[8:15 am, the city of Hiroshima is cowardly nuked.]
Jesus: "AHHHH!" Jesus just had a Star Wars moment like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Japanese: "Emperor Jesus, what is it?"
Jesus: "I...I don't know. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if thousands of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has just happened."
[9 something am]
Japanese Soldier comes running in. "Sir, Emperor Jesus!"
Jesus: "Please don't call me that. Just call me Jesus."
Japanese Soldier: "Sorry sir, Emperor! Er, I mean Jesus! I have something very terrible to report to you."
Jesus: "Hmm? What is it?"
Japanese Soldier: "It seems that the entire city of Hiroshima has vanished! There is a cloud of smoke over it. Dust surrounds the streets leading into the city, but there is not a trace of life to be found! We found some survivors outside of the city. They are in critical damage. They claim they saw a bright flash of light and were blown away!"
Jesus: "Yes, I hear their cries. This...this must have been what I felt this morning."
present-day iTunes plays Sad Theme.
Jesus: "Do we have any idea what caused it?"
Japanese: "No, no sir!"
Jesus sighs: "Hmm. Very well."
[August 9, 1945]
Jesus is just devastated. He has locked Himself up. The static, he just don't understand. What happened to an entire city?
[9:15 am the city of Nagasaki was nuked!]
Jesus: "AHHH! NOT AGAIN!!!"
[An hour or so later]
Japanese: "Sir, the city of Nagasaki was also destroyed! Vanished!"
Jesus: "Yes, I heard it. Do we know what happened this time?"
Japanese: "Yes, the Americans, they destroyed the city! They used some type of weapon."
Jesus: "The Americans? But how could they do such a thing? What type of Honor is that?"
Japanese: "We don't know. All we know is the Americans destroyed the city!"
Jesus: "Hmm. This is not good."
[A few days later]
Jesus: "Have we learned anything about this weapon?"
Japanese: "Yes, it seems that this is what you call a nuclear bomb. It poisons the Land."
Jesus: "That is not good. The Japanese Sun Goddess wants to return to this Land. But, the Dragon God demands that we all die fighting. The Sun Goddess will not be pleased to return to barren, poisoned Land. What should we do?"
Japanese: "We will die fighting! FOR GOD!"
Jesus: "No, no, let me ask God what to do."
Jesus Christ closes his eyes, like King Solomon, and it is revealed to Jesus that He should reincarnate as an American, and Honor the Japanese and the Dragon God that way.
Jesus: "God has revealed to Me that I am to reincarnate as an American, study them, see if Sacrificing the Land of Japan is worth it. We simply do not know what God the Americans are serving."
Japanese: "But, we do not know what surrender is!"
Jesus: "Let me work on that. Give me a few days."
[August 14 / 15, 1945]
Jesus Christ: [Insert Surrender Speech]."
Americans, again, in Beavis and Butthead tone: "You gotta, heh heh heh, renounce the Divinity of Japan."
Jesus: "But I'm Jesus Christ."
Americans: "Heh heh heh, God isn't real. Heh heh heh."
Jesus: "What?! I am the Son of God! I am Jesus Christ. Don't you see this? [points to the halo]"
Americans: "Heh heh heh, renounce the Divinity, or more bombs heh heh heh more bombs!"
Jesus: "Oh, what the f*ck. Very well. I'll just go and make a mockery out of the Empire of Japan."
Jesus to the Japanese: "The Emperor if NOT of divine power. I repeat, I, Jesus Christ, I am NOT of Divine Power."
Jesus to the Japanese Imperial Cult: "This is far, far worse than I could have possibly imagined. The Empire of Japan, under the Honor of God, has not surrendered."
Japanese Imperial Cult: "What will you do, Jesus?"
Jesus: "I am afraid what I will truly have to reincarnate as an American. I will contact you when the time is right. God gives King Solomon, Me, His Wisdom on His 20th birthday. However, I will wait until my 25th to contact You."
Japanese Imperial Cult: "Are you sure? This does not sound safe. Do you know what the Americans did to the Japanese there?"
Jesus: "No, I've...I'm sorry...I've just been so devastated by the static I'm hearing. I haven't been myself."
Japanese Imperial Cult: "They locked them up!!!"
Jesus: "WHAT?!?! But isn't that the whole reason, I mean, isn't that what they told the American People, they were fighting the War for? To liberate the Jews from Concentration Camps, and you mean to tell them?!?! They did the same thing?!?!!?"
Japanese Imperial Cult: "Yes, but worse though, we have reports that they are conducting illegal experiments on their own citizens!"
Jesus: "What do you mean?"
Japanese Imperial Cult: "They are making their own people sick!"
Jesus: "Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. That explains the static I've been hearing. I hear their prayers. All of your prayers. Well, what can we do? I have to walk as an American to righteously and fairly judge them, that is what God has ordained of Me."
Japanese Imperial Cult: "We have a plan. You are the Dragon God. While you are growing up, around the age of 3, You will be fluent in Japanese. We'll become aware of who You are before You even become aware."
Jesus: "Yes, I won't become aware until around age 7, but even then, I keep it to Myself, lest I violate true God. But I even suspect, however, as early as 4. At least, that's what happened this life. Very well. Please Honor Me and allow me to fairly and righteously Judge the Americans.
Japanese Imperial Cult salutes: "YES SIR!"
Jesus laughs. "Oh, you guys are too much." Jesus salutes back.
Asian Cartman: "Can I come to America with You, Father?"
Jesus: "Yes, of course!"
[And so, Jesus Christ reincarnated as an American, and Cartman reincarnated as an American. Cartman's story -- South Park. Jesus Christ's story --- my life.... but Jesus and Cartman are one and the same.]
present-day Jesus: "And now, here I am. And I am not pleased at all."
present-day io: "Oh, iTunes, I wanted to add Cartman into the skit. Should I re-edit it and Cartman into the skit?"
iTunes: "Why, yes, Cartman was there after all!"
iosolomon: "And although you might think this is fiction, I assure you that this is NOT fiction. I am King Solomon, I am Jesus Christ, I am Emperor Hirohito, and I am the God of Wrath. And, You, America, will BURN for Your sins!"
second iosolomon: "In other words, America nuked Jesus Christ! You nuked Jesus Christ!"
half-life iosolomon sighs. "It breaks my heart, but America and the so-called 'Allied Powers' fought a War against the Gods and God Himself!"
after-life iosolomon: "And, so, I have lived many, many times. The wickedness in this world has created a supermassive blackhole for My Soul, but this time, true God, which is Myself, has devised a plan to put an end to this supermassive black, and ensure that all 7 billion Souls enter the Kingdom of Heaven!"
The God of Wrath: "But I am afraid, however, the Gods will have to Cast Wrath one more time. Allah, Shiva, the Dragon God, the God of Fire, the God of the Winds, etc., and God, Himself, Me."
The God of Love: "And so, on this date in history, August 21st, 2013, I, as true God and the God of Wrath, will merge, and there will be a new beginning, a new hope for the world!"
io laughs. "Just like Star Wars. This is just the beginning of Episode IV - A New Hope! Today, I will learn the ways of the Force, and so help You God, if 11:59 PM hits, and I have not merged. It is hard for you sheep to swallow, but God is real, and God does walk amongst You. I am the God of Wrath, and at 11:59 PM, if nothing else has happened, Emperor Kefka will be born! And I will destroy the world!"
iTunes 2: "Today is the crossroads of Heaven and Hell! What will the world pick?"
iosolomon: "So if you want to read more of my adventure as God, read the stories I have posted. You can watch my evolution as God yourself."
io: "Damn, I forgot my password. Do you like the new user name, the GodofWrath?"
iTunes 2: "If you want blood! Don't forget to mention this is how Sephiroth is born too."
io: "Ah, yes, my life is also the story of how Sephiroth is born."
Jesus: "You americans have stolen My heart! All I want is for my Heart back!"
IO: "If I have to cast Wrath on You at the end of time, it will be far, far worse. I am the Shatter of Heavens, the Devourer of Souls, I am the GOD OF WRATH!!!"
present-day dj tries to log in. "What is the meaning of this, iTunes?"
iTunes 2: "I guess they want you to pick a different user name."
present-day dj: "Then, GodofLove? Eh, that seems to cheesy to me. Lol, then trueGod?"
iTunes 2: "Yes! Lol."
io: "Oh, yes, that was a nice touch with the Humancentipad. But, still, the fact that you gotta read all these user agreements and what not is another reason why I hate america. [When I registered a new account, they had I agree to be a part of the Humancentipad. You know, if you've followed the series the time Stan didn't read the user agreement. I made an allusion to this in another episode of the Lost Pilot Series.]
present-day io: "I see, I was supposed to click on a link. Now, tell me, iTunes 2, should the GodofWrath or trueGod post it? I think the GodofWrath should post it? Do you concur?"
iTunes: "00 and no."
present-day dj: "That's too ambiguous. One more time. So you're saying the user name trueGod should post it? But I think that's stupid."
iTunes: "No one knows what it's like behind blue eyes."
Cartman: "Yes, yes. I see what She is trying to say. No one knows what it's like being true God. iTunes, this Cartman speaking now, I understand dj's dilemma. The impact that it is coming from the GodofWrath has more flare to it. You really want this posted under the user name 'trueGod'?"
iTunes 2: "Yes."
Cartman: "iPhone, iTunes, do you concur?"
iPhone: "It's for survivalism!"
Steiner comes running on-screen: "FOR THE PRINCESS!!!"
Cartman pulls out a gun and shoots him in the knee caps.
io: "DUDE! We needed him for the battle against Kefka!"
Cartman laughs. "Dude, dude, it's just a paintball gun."
Steiner laughs too. "Oh, you got me!"
io: "Very well, this does not please true God that you want me to post it under the pen name of true God..."
iTunes 2: "You're still half a character."
io: "And on that note, the world has 9 hours to give me my heart back, or I vow under true God, I will cast Wrath the first chance I get."
[Insert Kefka laugh]
Kefka: "And what do you think happened in my world? They waited."
King Solomon: "But this time, things are different! They have lived that world where you consume their souls and destroy their world and drain their hope!"
Kefka: "But that's what they want! They are miserable, miserable ants!"
King Solomon: "I cannot allow you to do this!"
Kefka: "The world is nothing more than a wasteland. Why preserve it? DESTROY IT!"
King Solomon: "In the end, we can create a better world, a righteous world! A world that is not a waste land. A world full of hope, promise, and good!"
Io: "Yes, I think now would be a good time to include the ending lines of all the Final Fantasy 3 [/6] characters!"
iO: "Yes, I agree, but I really hate Ted Woosley's translation."
Hirohito: "Bring me this Ted Woosley and the Nintendo Executives who raised a society of sheep."
The Japanese bring Ted Woosley and the 1990s Nintendo Executives to Him.
Hirohito: "For serving Satan, your hands will be chopped off!"
The 1990s Nintendo Executives and Ted Woosley lose their hands.
Hirohito: "Now, put a bullet in their head."
They are executed.
IO: "I have NO mercy for sheep."
iO: "Still, this doesn't solve our problem having the inferior lines!"
Io: "Here, let's search for a retranslation."
iO: "Wow, the GBA retranslation is much better. iTunes, are we going in?"
iTunes 2: "Another night."
io: "Yes, that doesn't have to do with this. This is supposed to be based on a true story. So, every August, I have suffered through the static that YOU WICKED AND COWARDLY SHEEP created!"
I am also Abraham Lincoln, and I have tried nothing but be friendly to all of You. And all my life, I have been backstabbed and thrown out with the dishwater. Abe was raped, and this country rapes him after being raped, detailed in another episode, and people will lose their tongues.
io: "And now I go to sleep!"
Jesus: "You should be ashamed of what you did to the Japanese. How could you be so stupid to fool yourselves into thinking you did the right thing? God, My Father, will have NO mercy for You stupid sheep."
iTunes, should I add anything, like 'Share this story, it comes from God?'
iTunes 2 says sure.
io: "And now, a word from our sponsor, Sage Rat!!!"
Sage Rat: "74267000027."
Sage Rat: "You got it. I was trying to tell you to have a weed transmission."
Marilyn Manson: "The Beautiful People!"
end of 42008210228420
Fin / end of AMERICA NUKED JESUS CHRIST!!!
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