First Blood First Serve Chapter 7

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Nick Assburger
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Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 1:33 am

First Blood First Serve Chapter 7

Postby Nick Assburger » Thu Jan 23, 2014 6:13 pm

{Return from Commercial break}

{The boys are sneaking through the neighborhood which proves difficult due to the police and national guard patrols. Suddenly a patrol car drives up toward them.}

Cartman "Damn it's the cops what do we do?"

Stan: {looks around} "quick into that bush."

{The boys dive into a bush but find it a little cramped}

Kyle: "Did they see us?"

Stan: "I don't think so."

Cartman: "You guys I think my foot is tangled up" . {tries to pull his foot loose and cuts a loud long fart}

Kyle: "Dude sick!" {pulls his jacket over his nose.}

?:"That is f*cking disgusting!"

Stan: "You guys be quiet they're gonna hear us."

Kyle: "Tell that to Cartman's ass!"

{The police car pulls up in front of the bush and Officer Barbrady pokes his head out to investigate}

Cartman: "You shut your goddamn Joo Mouth!"

Kyle: "Don't start with me Cartman!"

?: "Will you guys shut up! there gonna spot us." {Barbrady waves his flashlight over the boys}

Stan: {whispers} "Oh sh*t he's spotted us."

{Barbrady having the boys arguing comes to the only logical conclusion that comes to his mind.}

Barbrady: "Just a couple of raccoons" {puts his window up and drives off.}

{The boys come out of the bush and breathe a sigh of relief and fresh air.}

Stan: "Dude that was way too close."

Kyle: {Gags} "Yeah another second in there in there and I would have died for sure."

Cartman: "Come on you guys it wasn't that bad!"

?: {dry heaves} "Not bad it smelled like rotten eggs marinated in manure in a heatwave."

Cartman: "Ay I'm not the one who wanted to break out after dark. My Mom's probably worried sick."

{We now cut to Liane Cartman who's in the basement holding FunnyBot upside down dressed as Princess Leia in her slave girl outfit.}

Liane: "You've been a bad bad FunnyBot and now you must be punished." {She burns his underside with that heat torture thing they were torturing droids with in RotJ}

Funnybot: "AHHH!!!! OH YES YES YES YEESSSSSSSSSSSS PUNISH ME!!!!!!!!!! {Liane shocks him with a cattle prod} UHHUHHHHH!!!!!! YEESSSSSSSSSS" {He dispenses a cigarette and lights it with his finger.}

{Anyway back to the boys.}

Stan: "Alright guys lets just go before someone else sees us" {The upstairs window opens}

Butters: "Hey fellers what are you doing in my bushes?"

{He notices Mysterion.}

Butters: "Are you playing Superheroes again? hold on" {He goes into his closet and steps out as PROFESSOR CHAOS!!!! pause, BRINGER OF DESTRUCTION AND DOOM!!!}

PC: {Stands out the window} "Ha ha ha you puny superheroes will never stop me hah hah hah Whoa whoa Whoaa!" {He falls out the window landing face first in the snow} "Aw Dammit!"

Stan: "Butters we're not playing superheroes were going out to find Conner before the Army does?"

Butters: {adjusts his crumpled headwear} "I thought they were the Marines?"

Cartman: "Army Marines same thing."

Butters: "Can I come?"

Kyle: "You wouldn't be interested Butters."

Butters: "Nuh uh."

Cartman: "Oh please you'd be all like." {does an impression of Butters} "Oh Hamburgers please don't cut me up I'm just a little pussy."

Butters: "Now listen here I'm sick and tired of people treating me like a little kid I'm old enough to stay up till 7:30 I'm old enough to come on adventures with you guys."

Stan: "Okay fine Butters you can come with us but you got to be quiet."

Butters: "Quiet right got you."

{The boys reach the roadblock leading over the bridge into the mountains guarded by Police ATF and National Guardsmen.}

Kyle: "Holy sh*t they must have every police officer in town here."

Stan: {Notices the ATF truck with with the Negotiator cannon being wheeled up.} "Oh f*ck not these guys again!"

Butters: "Oh Hamburgers It's those guys that tried to kill us during that meteor shower because they thought we were a cult or something."

Kyle: "How the hell do we get past these guys?"

?: "Leave that to me." {holds up some Chinese fire crackers.}

{Commander Danny Gans and General Plymkin are busy discussing the operation.}

Plymkin: "Alright At first light we begin stage one send out the cannon fodder to identify Kurtz's position." {uses the pole to move a black soldier figure with a bullseye painted on it into the mountains.} "After we've identified his position and recovered the bodies, we'll begin stage two send in your crack negotiator to negotiate with extreme prejudice."

{The "Negotiator" operator gives a thumbs up.}

Gans: "Alright but I should remind you the ATF is an agency that prides itself on the use of restraint. Our Negotiator will only fire a few warning shots to get him to come out."

General Plymkin: "And if he shows violence?"

{Meanwhile Mysterion slips by the ATF's defenses slipping firecrackers under the police cars}

Gans: "Don't worry we're trained to deal with kids this is just like Ruby Ridge."

Plymkin: "But you guys f*cked up Ruby Ridge."

Gans: "That wife and son gave us no choice but to open fire!" {the firecrackers go off startling the police and the troops}

Plymkin: "It's Kurtz he's shooting at us!" {They both get down}

Gans: { Gets down and calls in on the radio} "GANS TO ALL ATF AGENTS SUSPECT IS OPENING FIRE ON US RETURN FIRE!!!!"

Plymkin: "This is General Plymkin ALL WHITE TROOPS TAKE COVER!!!!!"

ATF Agent 1: {firing wildly} "I can't see him." {Shoots dead two guardsmen}

ATF Agent 2: "Where is he?" {Fires a rocket launcher blowing up a police car.}

Soldier: "YOU WANT SOME OF THIS YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!!!! {Fires a LMG wildly shooting out windows randomly before he is gunned down.}

{The Negotiator fires several rounds indiscriminately destroying several buildings including the Propane Dealer the the Fireworks store and the McCormick's Meth lab, The explosion blows down the wall to their bathroom revealing Stuart taking a dump."

Stuart: "Aw God Damn it Honey the bathroom wall blew down again."

?: {dodging gunfire and explosion left and right} "Hey watch it don't shoot" {dodges an rocket} "Oh sh*t this is bad this is bad this is bad" {All the while dodging bullets}
{The boys watch in disbelief as the ATF and The National Guard effectively take out their own blockade.}

Stan: "Jesus."

Kyle: "Christ."

Cartman: "Dude."

Butters: "Amen."

Cartman: {facepalms} "Butters god dammit."

{Mysterion lands next to them out of breath. He checks himself for injuries miraculously not having a scratch on him}

?: "I'm alive? I'm alive I'M ALIVE" {Points up at the sky} "In Your face Mother" {a Police car explodes sending a bumper straight for him. Fortunately for Kenny It misses him by inches} "Okay I get It won't push my luck."

Stan: "Kenny Jesus Christ what the hell was that?"

?: "I swear they were just supposed to duck and cover."

Kyle: "Let's just get out of here before anything else happens."

{The Boys awkwardly walk pass the carnage they inadvertently caused. whistling all the way}

{We transition to a mountainous wooded area.}

Cartman: "C'mon you guys it' just over this way."

Stan: "You said that three hours ago dude."

Kyle: "Face it Cartman we're lost."

Cartman: "We're not lost Private Jewker we just don't know where we are."

Kyle: "That is lost Fatass."

Cartman: Trust me I know where I'm going.

Kyle: "This is pointless we're walking around aimlessly and we haven't scene one single sign of Conner."

?: "Hold you Guys where's Butter's?"

Stan: "He was right behind us."

Cartman: "Probably pussied out and ran home."

Kyle: "C'mon guys we got to find him."

{The boys separate to look for Butters. who has somehow gotten lost from them.}

Butters: {shivers} "F-fellas? F-f-fellas? Where are you?" {he hears a bush rustle} "Uh Fella's is that you?" {a silhouette moves through the trees} "Uh Loo loo loo I got some apples" {looks around nervously} "Loo loo loo y-you got s-some too." {His suddenly jumped from behind by Conner}

{Butters Screams, echoing through the forest.}

Kyle: "Butters? Butters!"{echoes}

Stan: "Butters! Butters!"

Cartman: "Butters!!"

?: "It came from this way lets go."

{The Boys follow Mysterion through the woods. Meanwhile Conner has Butters by the collar holding his Ka Bar knife to his throat. As soon as he sees Butters Pee his pants he realizes that he's not a threat and lets him go.}

Conner: "What the hell are you doing out here?"


Conner: "You just Pissed yourself!" {looks down} "and you got it on my boots!"

Butters: {Goes back to being scared Butters} "Oh no I-i'm s-so sorry i-it's just I have a very w-weak bladder and I pee myself If I get startled. p-please don't kill me."

{Conner just looks at him for several seconds until he hears the boys calling for Butters}

Stan: "Butters!"

Kyle: "Butters!"

Cartman: "Butters!"

Conner: {looks back to Butters} "You don't move an inch until I get back Understand?"

Butters: "Y-y-yes S-s-sir" { Gives a trembling salute which Conner returns.}

{Meanwhile the boys continue to look for Butters.}

Kyle: "Butters!"

Stan: "Butters!"

Kyle: "This is bad he could be hurt or something!"

Stan: "Or maybe the cops are right and Conner got him?"

Cartman: "Well he's probably dead lets go home guys."

Kyle: {shivers} "We can't just leave him Cartman."

Cartman: "I'm just saying he's probably dead!"

Stan: "Look lets spilt up Kyle and I can go this way Cartman you and Kenny go that way."

Cartman: "Why do I have to go with Kenny?"

?: "Because you lost him fatass!"

Cartman: "Ay I don't to have to take this crap Screw you guys I'm going home."

{Cartman leaves the group.}

Kyle: "Go on then leave you pussy I hope he cuts you man I hope he f*cking cuts you!"

Cartman: {turns back them} "Screw you Kyle!! Stupid Jews probably gonna get caught in some booby trap and killed, and then who's gonna laughing me Ha ha ha AHHHH!" {suddenly he is tripped and dragged behind a tree} "YOOOOUU GUUUUYS HEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Stan and Kyle: "CARTMAN!!!!!

{Stan and Kyle rush to help him but are ambushed by Conner who elbows Kyle in the face and whips Stan against a tree with his arm locked behind his back and a knife to his throat.}

Conner: "Stan? {He releases Stan} What are you guys doing out here?"

Stan: {Rubs his arm} "We're looking for you dude."

Kyle: "The whole town is looking for you, They're gonna send out the National Guard."

Stan: "Wait a minute where's Kenny?"

{Suddenly Conner is jumped from above By Mysterion who knocks his Ka-Bar out of his hand and kicks him in the chest.}

Conner: "Ugh!"

Stan and Kyle: "KENNY!"

Conner: {Jumps back to feet and gets into a karate stance} "Nice getup? Who are you supposed to be Mintberry Crunch?"

?: "I'm the guy that's gonna kick your ass for hurting my friends oh and Cartman too."

Cartman: "Screw you Kinny!"

Conner: "Very well Are You man enough to fight with me?"

?: "I am the Hero this town needs." {Gets into a fighting stance.}

Round 1 FIGHT!!!!!!

Conner: "ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

?: "ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

{Conner and Mysterion slowly morph into anime fighting characters and charge at each other in what is sure to be an epic all out knockdown ass kicking bubblegum chewing fight}

{Cut to Commercial.}

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