The Ceremony starts off with the end of a real episode of Captain Planet. Aren't you just proud to be an American? 20 years after Captain Planet, and this is still happening. Here we go:
Cartman was watching a Captain Planet episode, and the ending went:
“GO PLANET! [Gaia:] Multinational corporations today are extracting natural resources from local tribes at any cost to make a quick profit; burning their wastes, leaking poisonous air, dumping their toxins, and contaminating the Land for decades to come, causing extensive destruction of animal and plant life, soil damage, air and water pollution, and health problems among the indigenous peoples. [Wheeler:] You can stop this type of destruction by boycotting companies that have lax environmental standards. [Gwanme:] And ask your parents to write your elected representatives to take action. THE POWER IS YOURS!” There was a second Planeteer alert. “GO PLANET! [Captain Planet:] Tribal members who resist the pollution and destruction of these corporations are killed by their own government for the corporations. [Ma-Ti:] Their home is being destroyed, and they can’t even do anything to protect it. [Linka:] You can stop their slaughter by demanding your government stops conducting business with these Nations and corporations. [Gi:] Innocent people are being killed. Only together can we save them and their home. THE POWER IS YOURS!”
Cartman: "Welcome to the Captain Planet Awards."
Cartman: “The first award of Hoggish Greedly goes to Governor Chris Christie [of New Jersey] for his unwavering commitment to the New Jersey State Constitution by protecting the environment with fracking and lead-contamination. Not to mention, he is robbing the good –HAH– people of New Jersey to support his goons.”
Christie gets his award, and says a few words. What a fat f*ck. While he was getting the award, Antonin Scalia [a Supreme Court Justice] and the other 8 Supreme Court buffoons got up to leave. Hmm....we wonder why...
Cartman: “And the award of his sidekick, Rigger, goes to the sheep, er, “people” of New Jersey for allowing such a fat-fuck to unconstitutionally serve them. Where would we be without the sheep to harvest for fur and slaughter for fun?”
[Google image search Tilly Asbury Park. Stupid people who live in Jersey to vote for Christie a second time.]
Cartman: “The award of Duke Nukem goes to Mitt Romney!”
We see in the audience that President Hollande [of France] objects to this.
Cartman: “Sorry, President Hollande, you were a close runner-up with your nation’s historic detonation of so many nukes, but you aren’t likely to set any off anytime soon. If Mitt Romney would have won the election, he would be nuking all of the Middle East. We would have gotten to enjoy a warm nuclear summer under his leadership.”
Cartman: “The award of Looten Plunder goes to, oh this is a very close one. The runner-up is Cory Booker [Mayor of Newark]."
[Oh, this is set in 2012. I wrote it then. I just never posted it.]
Cartman: "And the winner is...President Obama! I’m glad to see that you are polluting and plundering the entire world, despite the Constitution! And thanks again for the change, I was able to buy myself a nice cup of pesticide-laden soup with it!”
Cartman: “The award of Verminous Skumm goes to Prime Minister Netanyahu [of Israel]! God bless you for leading the Jews into the sewers! Do you really think that God will not see you as the rat you are on the inside?”
Someone whispers in Cartman's ear.
Cartman cries out, “WHAT?! The Jews aren’t inviting me to the Republican Debates? [At the judges.] I told you to give this award to the President of South Korea. Look at what has happened!”
Someone whispers in Cartman's ear. “Lee Myung-bak was only third? Who was the runner-up? Oh, King Abdullah [of Saudi Arabia]. That’s a good choice. A good number of Muslims are burning in Hell because of his dishonor to Allah. Despicable sheep those two are.”
Cartman" “The award of Captain Pollution goes to President Hu Jintao [of China].”
Someone whispers something into Cartman's ear.
Cartman: “It seems that Hu Jintao is no longer the leader of China. The award now goes to Xi Jinping. We’re going to release some air that we took direct from Beijing.”
We watch as smog direct from China fills the room.
Cartman: “Ah! Let’s inhale! Don’t you just love that smell? It reeks of beautiful (human) Nature!” Everyone, including myself, starts to cough.
Cartman: "The award (cough, cough) of Sly Sludge goes to...two winners? Is this right, Judges? Alright. The award goes to both Bill Gates and Mayor Bloomberg for actually succeeding with their get-rich-quick schemes! Don’t you just love capitalism? That could have been you! And the rich will tell us we all had the same opportunity! All you have to do to get-rich-quick is subscribe to dishonesty, unrighteousness, and greed. Don’t worry, God will surely forgive you! Good job, Mr. Gates and Mr. Bloomberg for showing us how it’s done. I just love it how you two have fooled all the sheep with your facade of charity. [Laughs.] Just how dumb can Americans be? [Frowns.] No, it’s not just Americans, it’s every god damn person in this world.”
Cartman: “And the award of Zarm goes to Joseph Stalin! Oh, did I say Stalin? I meant, Vladimir Putin! Come on up here! You might have the silly Russians fooled and have those greedy Europeans begging for your big Russian dick, but I can see what’s really going on here. I do have to say, you are doing a fine job.”
Cartman: “The award of Dr. Blight goes to Nancy Pelosi! Nancy Pelosi, come on up here and get your award!”
Nancy Pelosi is so excited. “Me?! They picked me?!”
But as she starts to get up, she doesn't look so happy...As she is approaching the stage, there is an explosion! The real Dr. Blithe fires a rocket launcher into the roof! The falling debris knocks Nancy Pelosi aside, and the real Dr. Blithe is up in the sky on some sort of hovercraft.
The real Dr. Blithe says, “Ha! Ha! Ha! Not so fast, Nancy Pelosi, that award will be mine!”
We see that it is Hillary Clinton who descends down from the ceiling, and she snatches the award!
Cartman: “Well, what an unexpected turn of events! The next award of Kwame goes to…oh, is this right? [Cartman look to the judges.] The judges say that it is. [Hands tossed up in confusion, but motioning ‘What-the-hell’ in good nature.] It goes to President Obama! Apparently, there was an exception because of President Obama’s previous good works, like smoking weed to connect with the earth and the hope he did give us as Senator. This placed him first for the award. Come on up here, President Obama!” [This technically went to pot-smoking Obama. We would see a picture of young Obama smoking weed.]
Cartman: “The next award of Linka goes to a USC nurse who said no to this nation’s obsession with unnatural remedies for healing the sick.”
But she is so righteous that she has denied the award, and has given it instead to James Davies. James Davies tries to decline it.
Cartman: "Oh, f*ck that sh*t. You can't decline it. Just get your damn award."
Cartman: “The award of Gi goes to Winona LaDuke for her true devotion to Nature and the United States Constitution. Winona? Winona? Are you here?"
Someone whispers to Cartman.
Cartman: "Oh, it seems that Winona has been arrested again for chaining herself to trees. We’ll be sure to get this award sent to her.”
Cartman: “The award of Wheeler goes to President Hugo Chavez [of Venezuela]. Do I even need to say why you deserve this award?”
[R.I.P. Hugo Chavez. It's a shame, President Chavez, that this award is now given to you posthumously. My warmth goes out to Venezuela, but Her warmth goes out to the world.]
Cartman: “The award of Ma-Ti goes to-”
BOOM! Hillary Clinton returns with her supercomputer [MAL]. “I believe you are forgetting an award.”
Cartman: “Uh, yes, yes! How could I have forgotten this! The award of MAL [an AI computer] goes to Bill Clinton who can’t even get a good blowjob because he’s just Hillary’s bitch now.”
Cartman: “Now, where were we? Ah, yes! The award of Ma-Ti goes to ‘Leeloo’–Milla Jovovich for saving the world in the Fifth Element during the twenty-third century with the power of love!”
Cartman: “The award of Ma-Ti’s monkey, Suchi, goes to Bruce Willis for being such a god damn monkey in that movie! What? And you thought monkeys were black? No. No. No. The monkeys are white. Didn’t you ever hear that Flintstones joke? Why are there no black people in the Flintstones? Because they’re all monkeys! See, white people, monkeys. But we also give the award to Chris Tucker!”
Cartman: “And the award of Gaia goes to Mother Earth! We want to appease Her as best as we can before Nature casts Her Wrath to destroy us, as she has done many times in the past.”
We see a picture of the earth.
Cartman: "Notice how the earth isn't blue and green anymore, it's now blue and brown..."
Cartman: “And last but not least, the award of Captain Planet. This goes to Ron Paul, who, ironically, fails to defend the environment, and has misinformed economic ideas, but what sets him apart from the other nominees, Ron Paul is the only Congressmember who truly gives a damn about the Constitution, even if he’s misinterpreting life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, like South Carolina and the Confederacy once did. Good work, Ron Paul, I would have truly been proud to have had you as my President! (and that’s not sarcasm.)”
Cartman: "One trait that the recipients show is that many men (and women) have have been praised as vividly imaginative on the strength of their profuseness in indifferent drawing or cheap narration –reports of very poor talk going on in distant orbs, or portraits of Lucifer coming down on his bad errands as a large ugly man with bat’s wings and spurts of phosphorescence, or exaggerations of wantonness that seem to reflect life in a diseased dream. But these kinds of inspiration Lydgate regarded as rather vulgar and vinous compared with the imagination that reveals subtle actions inaccessible by any sort of lens, but tracked in that outer darkness through long pathways of necessary sequence by the inward light which is the last refinement of energy, capable of bathing even the ethereal atoms in its ideally illuminated space. He for his part had tossed away all cheap inventions where ignorance finds itself able and at ease; he was enamoured of that arduous invention which is the very eye of research, provisionally framing its object and correcting it to more and more exactness of relation; he wanted to pierce the obscurity of those invisible thoroughfares which are the first lurking-places of anguish, mania, and crime, that delicate poise and transition which determine the growth of happy or unhappy consciousness."
Cartman: "You could say I am vividly imaginative as well, but my dream is not diseased. I will not use your anguish, your mania, or the fear of crime to grow our happiness, nor will I paint Lucifer as something evil, since He is within all of us. A world where we can all live in peace and in harmony is a world we can achieve, even with Lucifer. What life is is only limited by our imagination. Dream this dream with me, and it will come to fruition."
As Cartman was wrapping up the Ceremony, Antonin Scalia comes barging in.
Antonin Scalia: "Now hold on there just a minute!"
Cartman: "Oh, what is Antonin Scalia?"
Antonin Scalia: "I just made a ruling that the award of Hoggish Greedly should go to me. Governor Christie only wipes his ass with the New Jersey State Constitution, but I wipe my ass with both the United States Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. I get the award."
Cartman makes his, "mm mm" sound, and says "Yes, yes, this is right. Christie, hand him over the award."
Christie is upset. He does. "But that award was mine!"
Cartman: "No, don't worry Governor Christie. You get the Jabba the Hut Award!"
Take a look at Jabba the Hut and take a look at Governor Christie. Can you tell the difference?
Governor Christie snorts. "BUT I WANT HOGGISH GREEDLY! I WANT THEM BOTH! YOU CAN'T DO THIS ANTONIN SCALIA!"
Antonin Scalia laughs. "I am the Law! Whatever I say goes. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go bathe in my hot tub of cash."
Governor Christie: "If that's how it's going to be, then we're just going have to take over the country."
The People of New Jersey start taking over America. To see how this episode ends, watch the South Park Episode: It's a Jersey Thing. Season 14, Episode 9.
[In other words, all this took place before that episode.]
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