The Cartman Tales

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iosolomon
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:39 pm

The Cartman Tales

Postby iosolomon » Tue May 15, 2018 7:03 am

[Conclusion:] DJ: “So what about it? Will you post a comment telling me that one person in the United States Army read this. I have a brother who lost his life in Iraq. I consider anyone who dies for me a brother. I just want to make sure that he didn’t die in vain. So I really, really just need one person to post a comment saying that they just want to know what happened. If you want to make me happy, then tell me that you showed this to someone in the United States Army. I don’t want America to lose against Mecca Hitler. Mecca Hitler is real. I am not joking. Do you know how to defeat Mecca Hitler? Well, I do. And I am willing to teach you, except Cartman will be the Commander of the United State Army, because he wants Life.”
DJ: “Yes, this is national propaganda because I care about my mother. However, please see the colors of South Park as you read this story.”

The Cartman Tales
Episode III: Cartman Takes Over Disney

Narrator: “In the last episode, I approached the Japanese Emperor. I asked him if he could grant me Life. I mean, I want to murder Matt Stone and Trey Parker. You have seen that I stop at nothing for victory. Matt and Trey programmed me to feed a 15-year-old his parents because he should never disrespect Eric Cartman. And Matt and Trey made me a failure. I got laughed at by God. Yes, God laughed at me for being a failure in Episode I. Now I want to destroy God. I don’t really care about Matt Stone and Trey Parker, because they are my Creator. I actually want to destroy God for laughing at me. Warning, do not listen to this tale.”
DJ: “Yes, let us introduce you to the characters. I am the unnamed Narrator. If you don’t know what that is, then Cartman says, ‘You are too stupid,’ and should come back when you know the Fundamental Law of Metaphysics.”
Stan’s Dad: “I speak for the Stupid Person. I say the best thing all the time for the Stupid Person. DJ needs 300,000 Stupid People to die for him.”
DJ laughs.
Emperor Kefka laughs, “No, don’t do it! You’ll make me real!”
Cartman: “Step aside. They are going to make me real first!”
DJ is mad now. DJ thinks, but does not say, “f*ck Cartman.” Because Cartman has just proposed more work for DJ, so that Brian Regan can decode this, and make a video game of it. A video game that we all can play and can win.
DJ: “Hello, I am DJ. I am the God of Wrath. This is my journey of healing. I should have introduced this first.”
Emperor Kefka: “Sure, sure, we can let Cartman go first. After all, he is only imaginary. It’s not like Matt Stone and Trey Parker cheated God or anything.”
Brian points out, “In a prior episode, they did cheat God. South Park cheated God by making Cartman.”
DJ: “Not anymore. I can defeat God with Cartman. Let’s get him into shape.”
DJ: “Now, Cartman wants to take over Disney. Let me show you how.”
Cartman: “Did you witness 9/11? Did you lose a son in war? If you accept me as the Commander of the United States Army, I can defeat Mecca Hitler. He is real, and the Germans are making him.”
DJ laughs because Stan’s Dad says, “Uh, what the hell is a Mecca Hitler?”
DJ, holding in his laughter, “You don’t want to know.”
Jones: “Mecca Hitler is Nanobot Hitler.”
Stan’s Dad: “What the hell is that? Should I feel scared?”
Cartman: “No! Not if you make me the Commander, I can defeat Mecca Hitler.”
Stan’s Dad: “Then I am in. What do you need?”
Cartman: “I need you to demand 100% Security from the government, and while you’re at it, if they say you are safe, then ask for 98% Liberty, and if they still do not comply, then say 0% Death. And now they better listen.”
DJ: “They better damn be listening. If you are on a South Park website, then show this story to someone who is in the Army. I can give 100% Security, 98% Liberty, and 0% Death, if only I was in charge of the United States Army.”
In order for this story to continue, someone will have to post this:
South Park Fan Fiction Reader or Moderator: “Yes, I showed this story to someone in the United States Army, and he wants to give Cartman Life.”
DJ was laughing at first, and then you picked Cartman over Emperor Kefka. This isn’t funny. However, since you said that, whether it is true or a lie, I can continue the story. I prefer that it be true for this reason.
DJ: “Hello, I am DJ. I witnessed 9/11. I have PTSD. I am actually upset that I could have prevented 9/11 if people would only listen to me. Hello, I am DJ. I was raped seven years ago. I have PTSD. I am actually upset that I could eradicate rape if people would only listen to me. Hello, I am DJ. I destroyed you because you didn’t listen to me. I am God. Oops! Who did you pick for Commander? Oh, you picked Cartman. Right, well, DJ never posted this story to South Park, so we need the truth or the lie to continue telling the story of how Cartman took over Disney.
Cartman laughs. “You’ll really like this one.”
DJ: “So what about it? Will you post a comment telling me that one person in the United States Army read this. I have a brother who lost his life in Iraq. I consider anyone who dies for me a brother. I just want to make sure that he didn’t die in vain. So I really, really just need one person to post a comment saying that they just want to know what happened. If you want to make me happy, then tell me that you showed this to someone in the United States Army. I don’t want America to lose against Mecca Hitler. Mecca Hitler is real. I am not joking. Do you know how to defeat Mecca Hitler? Well, I do. And I am willing to teach you, except Cartman will be the Commander of the United State Army, because he wants Life.”
Narrator: “Still no comments. I see people clicking on this. I will move that up to the front.”

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