I swear to God I was not trying to upset lolrus; I was merely pointing something out she might want to consider. Gay men go out with and marry women all the time, and only years and years later does the woman finally and fully realize how much of a fraud their relationship is, and terrible things proceed. It happened to a friend of mine: her father "outed" himself after having four kids with his wife.
If I'm seen as an assh*le for trying to keep lolrus from meeting a similar fate as my friend's mom, then so be it.
And lolrus, you did not start any drama. I made an observation and then m00n went ahead and Lonely_Joo'd herself a nice overreaction.
If you weren't trying to upset her, don't make those kind of assumptions. Ok, if you had met her boyfriend and he didn't seem straight at all, and infact it seemed obvious he was flaming gay, then it would be reasonable to say that maybe he is hiding the fact he is gay by dating a girl. But you can't really tell anything about him from a couple sentences she wrote, so stop assuming because it is making you look like an ass.
AYM, how many girls have you dated or how many girls have you been friends with? I ask because you seem to not know that girls get insecure from time to time. A lot of girls get insecure about their appearance, and about other things, when there is nothing they should really be worried about. It is there is so much pressure to look good, and to meet other expectations and, sometimes the pressure has girls worrying too much about whether or not they are good enough, and questioning whether their boyfriends think they are good enough for them. I have heard pretty much what Teh Lorus said from other girls before, and they weren't fat or ugly and they weren't really unstable..They were just comparing themselves to other people too much.
Try not to make this into a flamewar, plz
I have not dated many girls (my choice), but I have been friends with a few.
But believe me: I am all too aware of how insecure girls can be.
That is why I referenced the aforementioned choice not to date many of the girls I rightfully could have dated. I once had a beautiful girlfriend who had no self-confidence, and I (or to be more accurate, her boyfriend) was the only source of her validation. It was pathetic, and it made me feel exhausted and I ended up pitying the girl I was dating, which is about as UNromantic an emotion as there is. I completely hate that feeling, so I only go after women who already have a source of self-esteem within themselves. Unfortunately for me, they are exceedingly rare.
If the Lolrus is so insecure that she took offense to my comment even though I've never seen or physically talked to her or her boyfriend, then she reminds me of the aforementioned girlfriend, and that is the worst thing I could say about her.
But there's pressure on everyone. Both men AND women have to worry about whether they are worthy. It's unfair to think that only women have problems with this sort of thing. Look at all the men who spend countless hours in the gym. Or the pressure men put on themselves to be wildly successful in a particular business. Or the men who spend their lives lusting for women they never even approach, because they believe they will be unceremoniously rejected outright.
Everyone's got it rough. Look at Heath Ledger: he was a good-looking millionaire, and he was on more anti-depressants than an impotent horse.
Doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a dumbass smart-ass. It's how I deal with my own shortcomings. ; )
As for your ex, how did you handle that situation? Did you try talking with her about her dependence on you before things were over?How serious were her insecurities?And, if she was beautiful ( and from what you write it seems like you have high standards) then why were you her only source of validation? Was it just the issue many girls have about thinking they need a man to be complete ( like my stupid former best friend), or did she have real issues from bad experiences in her life?
And yes I know guys have insecurity issues too. I have a brother. I have guy friends, both gay and straight guy friends. I am around them enough to know that they have those kind of issues even though they try to hide their insecurities in different ways. Kind of like how as you put it, you present yourself as a dumbass smart ass. My brother kind of does that at times,I think to avoid letting people in, but not so much anymore. That is a good thing for him, because when one acts the way you do on here, people get a negative impression, and I don't know maybe under more positive circumstances you and them would have actually gotten along.
That is the thing..Guys try to hide their insecurities, but girls will talk more openly about them. I can't speak for everyone, but I think girls want reassurance they are fine the way they are and that they are blowing their short comings out of proportion. Or in some cases they want whoever they are talking with to be critical so they maybe they will be motivated to change or know what they need to change. Why do you think girls ask their friends or their boyfriends if something makes them look fat? You don't see many straight guys asking that question, do you? I guess we could debate the reason why this is, but my point in bringing this up is you probably aren't going to find many girls who won't vent to you about their insecurities.
That is why I referenced the aforementioned choice not to date many of the girls I rightfully could have dated
I've got to say this, but you seem very much like a closet homosexual. I think, from the way you portray them in such utter distain, that you use women as your beard, and would use any excuse to rid yourself of them or not go out with an otherwise perfect girl. This GF of yours probably only asked you if she looked fat or something a couple of times, and you dumped her otherwise perfect form for that. Why? Because deep down you knew you were just using her as a closset and she didn't deserve it. Do the world a favour and come out.
I ended up pitying the girl I was dating, which is about as UNromantic an emotion as there is
Being the sadistic bastard I am, pitty turns mah crank. I like to 'heal' people. Maybee your sexual preferences arn't as universal as you'd like to think?
I can think of a lot more unromantic things than that, like the girl being a cold frigid mess, a shallow bitch or an argumentative angry cow.
f the Lolrus is so insecure that she took offense to my comment
She didn't. I did. It's just hugely innapropriate even to post online, and an insult to men in general, to say they're as shallow as you make out.
if this kind of thing is happening to someone you are friends with, wouldn't you care enough to talk to her before she goes and does something like marrying a guy who has no sexual attraction to her?
He doesn't have friends if he treats people like he says he treats them. He doesn't care enough about people to sacrifice his own wellbeing for theirs, that's an alien concept for Mr. Shallow as a drained river here.
Did you try talking with her about her dependence on you before things were over?
Probably dumped her like a sack of coal, from what he advises others to do. Because she was just his pin-on beard.
I don’t pity-date. I’d at least try to avoid it. So far I’ve been successful. In my previous relationships, I was in it because I actually liked the person, even if they may have been going through something at the time...that’s just life though, we all got our sh*t to deal with, so it’s stupid for people to use the Pity Card on others.
My last one, for example. Nik was still phasing in and out of random depression at the time, but I knew her ages before any of that started (or at least became noticeable). I was strictly in it because I liked her and stuff like that. Affection and concern is quite different than mere pity. After all, I don’t think its pity when you constantly have an urge deep down to help the person in whatever way you can, while dealing with a rather painful uncertainty of weather or not there is anything you can do about it at all. If that’s pity, then I must be one f*cking messed up guy.
Fortunately, all that is something I haven't had to worry about for a good long time now, since she's been doing tons better these days, so that's one less thing to get worked up about. But still, it's possible to genuinely care about someone without pitying them.
If you want me to do a signature for you, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST!
I guess we agree to disagree on the confronting your friends front. One of my best friends has an addictive personality and I've seen him use cocaine a couple times. I honestly believe he doesn't have a problem with coke, but as I said, he's an addictive guy. He got engaged to another of my friends, and I had a big inner struggle with whether I should tell his fiance about the things I'd seen her betrothed do. After asking the wisest people I know, the verdict was that I should keep my mouth shut. If I told her, she'd hate me, the messenger, and he'd hate me, the snitch. They're my friends, and they're good people, and I don't know many good people. In the end, it's their relationship.
I can't believe how out of control my glib, half-serious insight has gotten. I thought the fact that I knew so very little about the lolrus and her boyfriend was obvious and would curb the supposed offensiveness of what I wrote. I was wrong.
With my ex, it ended as a mutual break-up. She was what I refer to as a gorilla girl (a gorilla never lets go of one branch without grabbing onto another, and this girl was the same way with guys), so as I got more exhausted and distant, she found the next interested guy, which wasn't difficult, because as I said, she was very pretty. In the end, her insecurities stemmed from the fact that her father left the family when she was young. She had some hardcore Daddy Issues, and that was just too much for me to handle. An example: I would tell her on Monday night that I was going bowling with some of my guy friends on Friday night, and she would say it was fine. Friday night would roll around, and she would call and ask, "So... what are you doing tonight?" I would say I was going bowling with my friends, like I'd said. She would then sigh and say, "Well I guess I'll just stay home alone then." She had nobody except her boyfriend, and it was a self-inflicted loneliness, because she had plenty of people at school and around her who could have been her friend.
That's a keen insight, though, about how I won't find girls who won't vent about their insecurities. I guess it's the volume of those ventings that matters most. You can only reassure a girl that she's pretty so many times before what you view as a legit compliment starts feeling like an empty appeasement.
I agree with you, and I hope I did not give the impression that this girl had a few problems so I completely pitied and then dropped her. She had a couple very big problems, mainly the aforementioned Daddy Issues, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her, because what she needed most was to help herself, or seek professional counseling, which would be helping herself. I like the goods along with the bads, but it's different when it seems like the girl you're dating just powers down when you're not around or on the phone with her. Like a depressed robot. I did what I could, but a man not even old enough to rent a car (at the time) isn't exactly well suited to deal with a girl's deep-seated abandonment issues.
I used to be someone who didn't want to say anything to upset my friends..But there have been so many situations in my life that got worse than they needed to because no one would communicate with anyone else about problems. Sometimes things need to be said that people don't want to hear. As for your friend, I am not going to make the judgement as to whether or not you did the right thing by not telling..I don't know if he was just experimenting once or twice , and you were worried about his addictive personality, but you haven't actually seen any evidence that he has a problem yet, or if he already has a serious problem. I think though if he had a serious problem, his girlfriend would probably notice by now. I have known enough people who did use drugs at some point to know that even if they don't talk about it or use it around you, you eventually see signs of it.
Well what made you decide to get into a relationship with your ex in the first place and how long were you with her?
I guess the pedigree thing scared me the most about it. Fortunately for all of us, my friend's wife knows about her husband's father, so she is probably on the lookout for tell-tale signs of trouble.
I started my relationship with her because for one thing, she was very pretty. And otherwise, I am reminded of that great Chris Rock insight: "When you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative!"
She had a great representative, but the more I got to know her, the less there was to know.
superiorsavior wrote:Mah attempt to diffuse this was pittifully lame in it's effectivness
Don't worry. My attempt to diffuse resulted in my being openly mocked. Too bad I'm just a girl and so insecure I cried in my room all night.
Aym_Dand wrote:I can't believe how out of control my glib, half-serious insight has gotten. I thought the fact that I knew so very little about the lolrus and her boyfriend was obvious and would curb the supposed offensiveness of what I wrote. I was wrong.
Face it. You made a David Brent-esque joke, so we had to spend three pages going over the details of everyone's lives just to painfully highlight how pathetic you apparently are.*
I'm not telling you to stop; it's a lot of fun to read.
All in all, what I've gotten from this discussion is a revision to my original statement that I have no concrete criteria regarding exactly what my boyfriend should be like. I've come up with a very basic requirement, with which I expect every heterosexual female would agree**: Not Gay.
*I'm not actually calling anyone pathetic, in case anyone wants to launch a five-page argument over that. Look who's David Brent now.
**Please don't say "except teh-lolrus."
My attempt to diffuse resulted in my being openly mocked
Why did everyone ignore me saying Aym Dand, who I know as well as he knows Lolrus, is acting like a gaywad? He is, it wasn't just my sore attempt at irony, he really is probably a closet gay if he dumped a woman as beautiful as he says he dumped for something as universal and minor as not beig perfect.
Too bad I'm just a girl and so insecure I cried in my room all night.
Don't worry! I'll gladly use you as mah beard, to hide mah male insecurities
Gah! I'm out of your criteria then
payomagetotheballs wrote:not to be mean but wtf why is this on the southparkstudios message boards??? this has nothing to do with southpark.
Notice the name of the forum this is in? Off Topic. Hence this is off topic. Do you expect us to talk about South Park when we're NOT talking about South Park?
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