To My Loving Compatriots of Enduring Assholery,
Salutations. I, but a humble, yet surprisingly nimble, college senior, am reaching out with a hopeful heart and testicle to give you wonderful (crab) people a once in a lifetime opportunity to blow (some money on) me.
Hear me out, but first I’ll set the scene:
A few weeks back, as the snows of winter were melting and the throws of winter had begun to release their iron clad grip over women wearing warm yet excessively concealing clothing, me and some comrades sat around thinking of ways to respect women, while also wracking our brains like the Spanish Inquisition (how unexpected a reference...) to decide what on this green and polluted earth we should do for Spring Break. We considered a boat ride (booze cruise) to the Bahamas. A road trip (binge drinking) to Mexico. A week on the lake (beer tubing). A week of skiing (booze luge). Crap man (Read: “sh*t man”), we even considered hiking (bear (beer?) baiting).
In a stroke of clear headed and entirely sober brilliance, we reached a decision.
A road trip to the Chuck E. Cheese of Mexican Restaurants, the Disney of the Rockies, the Mecca of Fine Dining, the Solace of the Stoic, the Bastion of the Blazed, a Road Trip to Casa Bonita. Inspired in full by our mutual loves of South Park and exquisite Mexican cuisine, this idea became a clear front runner and power bottom.
We have been steeping ourselves in the process of engineering this marvel of spring break tom-foolery for well over 13 days now, and have the plan all but ready to set in motion. We had a few final boxes to check, like bank overdraft fees and what to do about the dead animal stench wafting up from the basement, but when we saw the upcoming expansion to “The Fractured But Whole,” we knew this trip was fated.
And so, with the mention of this piece of excellence in gaming comes the crux of my correspondence: will you give us money. Or, in more obscure and less clear language, would you Kris Kringled f*cks be interested in sponsoring our delightful trip North of the Border?
We wait with erect attention and rapt nipples for your expedient response.
Many thanks, Cthulhu’s blessings, vielen Dank, muchas graciass, أنت طباخ سيء, シンプソンズはより良いです,
Aaron “Aaron” Steward
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