The New Kids Part I(My First FanFic)

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KylezGirl4Ever
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Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

The New Kids Part I(My First FanFic)

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:27 am

Chapter 1:


On one regular Saturday morning sat a little, 9-year-old boy in a large Synagogue, in a small town; called South Park. Beside sat his little genius brother, and his dad. On top of his head sat a green hat, with little flaps, and over that, a little Kippa. He sat on a wooden bench, on the mens side of the Synagogue. In his hands was the Jewish Bible. His eyes scanned the page, waiting for the Jewish service to end. This boys name is Kyle Broflovski. His baby brother is Ike Broflovski (who's Canadian), and his dad Gerald Broflovski. All three wore Kipputs. The man up front was reading the Torah. The man all of a sudden put down the Torah and faced the front, looking over the ladies side, then the mens. Kyle straightens up on the bench a little, hoping the service is over.
"Hello, everyone. The service is almost over. The only other thing is that there is one more Jewish family joining us today in South Park. They are the Rachels. The family has a mother, a father, and three kids. The parents are named Stewart and Jennifer Rachels. The kids are named Dereck, Celia, and Abrina Rachels. " The man says. Kyle straightens up at the name of 'Dereck', maybe he'll be friends with him. "Here are the parents." Out of the door beside the man comes out two people. The man (obviously the father) is tall, and buff, and very handsome. He has short brown hair, both sides done in shorter braids. He is wearing a very expensive looking suit and shiny black shoes. Kyle looks around and sees all the men around him look down at there 50$ suits. Then he looks at the woman (obviously the mother) and sees a beautiful woman, with straggly brown hair, heavy make up, and shes very slim. She's wearing a violet satin dress. He looks over to the womens side of the Synagogue. He sees the girls and ladies looking down at there cotton patchwork dresses. "These are the kids." The man at the front says. Kyle first sees a boy (Dereck) who is wearing a red bandana around his brown hair, he is wearing a red suit. Kyle feels belittled by this suit because his suit is a handme down from his dad. Then he sees a very fat girl, wearing heavy make up, a big pink hat, heavy make up, and a skanky pink dress. Her slimy brown hair hangs beside her chubby face. He then sees a very slim, extremely beautiful/pretty/cute/hot girl. She has no make up on, a bright blue hat, a plain blue dress, and blonde hair. She's the only blonde one in the family. She is absolutely attractive, with big knockers, and Kyle can't take his eyes off her. While all the young boys are eyeing the blonde girl, the men are eyeing the mother. Kyle really wants to meet her. To be continued . . .
Last edited by KylezGirl4Ever on Wed May 17, 2006 2:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Orange_Kenny
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Postby Orange_Kenny » Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:31 am

Alright, first of all, Bravo on the novelized fic.

However, it's a little self-indulgent....


...what am I saying? It's nothing but self-indulgence.
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iceiwynd
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Postby iceiwynd » Sun Apr 16, 2006 3:20 am

Don't read the rest of this post if you don't like criticsm. I'm not saying you can't, just, some people don't, and I'm not sure if you're one of them or not.

First off, overly large paragraphs intimidate people. Try breaking them up a bit more, but don't get too choppy. Secondly, you started off in past tense, and then switched to present. Watch out for the tenses.

Also, I'm going to go a bit Jew-technical on you: "kipput" is plural, "kippa" is singular. Therefore, saying: "On top of his head sat a green hat, with little flaps, and over that, a little Kipput," is incorrect. And while I'm quoting things you said: "His baby brother is Ike Broflovski (Kyle's Canadian brother)," you just repeated yourself. No need to say that he's his brother twice in the same sentence.

And while descriptions are nice things to have, they can get a little boring, and I know that you wrote "to be continued" but frankly, you want to make your first bit captivating and intriguing, and this isn't at all. Frankly, it is boring. A poor start. Your grammar (aside from the tenses and paragraph length decisions) is good enough, but you need more than grammar to make a good story.

Also, try to avoid going full-out on your own characters' descriptions. So far, they're dominating the whole fic, and they seem incredibly Mary Sue/Gary Stu-ish simply from the sheer amounts of description you're putting in on them. Work it in with a nice flow while still keeping the original characters in there. I can't speak for others, but I read fanfiction to see what situations people can come up with for characters I already know, not ones other people make up.

I'm not trying to criticize you completely - I'm merely giving you some tips in hope that you'll improve, and I hope that I'll really enjoy reading your works later on. I'm not trying to offend, so sorry if it comes off that way.
Orange_Kenny
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Postby Orange_Kenny » Sun Apr 16, 2006 3:22 am

agreed^
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KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

I'm so sorry.

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:23 am

I'm sorry I'm new to this. I just write down what I'd love to happen on South Park. Read my later FanFics. I will not continue with this one.
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Stanz_my_man
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Postby Stanz_my_man » Sun Apr 16, 2006 5:21 am

I thought it was good :D Im not too picky about grammar as long as I understand the main idea of what your saying. I would like to see a continued story
KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

Chapter 2:

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Sun Apr 16, 2006 1:35 pm

Chapter 2:


Kyle was dazed for the rest of the weekend. He couldn't get the picture of the very attractive girl out of his head. He just sat in his room with the door shut, lying down on his bed. On Sunday his phone rang.

"Hey dude!" Said a very annoyed Stan on the other end of the line.

"Hi Stan!" Kyle sat up in bed.

"Dude, where have you been?" Stan said. "I called last night and your mom said you were out. Where were you?"

"I wasn't anywhere. I was in my room thinking." Kyle said embarassed.

"OK then . . ." Stan's voice trailed off. "What were you thinking about?"

"Stan, there's this girl. Her family's Jewish so I saw her at Synagogue yesterday. She is really pretty. She has a brother and a sister. The three look around our age. Stan, I don't know what I feel for this girl. You can't believe just how pretty she is." Kyle finnished with a big sigh. Silence came from the other end.

"How pretty is she?" Stan finally asked. "Is she as pretty as Bebe? Because if she isn't then just go out with Bebe. She likes your ass."

"What?"

"Nevermind dude."

"What is it, Stan?"

"It's just, you liked Rebecca, right?"

"Yeah, but ever since I broke up with her it's OK to like another girl, right?"

"Not exactly, dude. You haven't officially broken up untill everyone knows. No one knows you left her. It's almost as if in one episode in a certain show had one character, and then that character wasn't in the next episode."

"What?" Kyle said, for he wasn't really listening.

"Nothing. See at school tomorrow. Bye Kyle." Stan hung up.


BACK AT SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY.


Kyle walks into the class. All of the guys are watching him. He looks at Stan. Stan is talking to Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek. Cartman is talking to Kenny and Butters. They are all staring at him. He sat in his seat, feeling all eyes on him.

"Dude, exactly how pretty was she?" Token suddenly asks. Kyle frowns.

"Stan, why the hell did you tell everyone?" Kyle turns to Stan, who was pretending to fiddle with a button on his jacket.

"I dunno. It slipped I guess." Stan shrugs.

"Whatever. If I ever see her again I'll show her to you. She's amazing Stan."

Mrs. Garrison enters the room.

"Hello class. We have three new students today. They are the Rachels. Enter the room kids." And in comes three students; one regular boy, one fat girl, and one beautiful one. All the boys gap at her. Kyle beams.

"This is Dereck." Mrs. Garrison indicates to the boy with the red bandana, the red blazer and red pants. The blazer is open and visible is a maroon shirt. He has black mitts that don't cover the fingers or the thumb.

"This is Celia." Mrs. Garrison points to the fat girl wearing a big pink hat, an open pink track jacket, pink pants, a pink scarf, and under the open track jacket a shirt that is obviously a bra. Around her chubby arm is a beige purse.

"And this is Abrina." Mrs. Garrison points to the last girl. She is wearing a bright blue baseball cap, a bluish-grey jacket, blue jeans and blue mitts. Her figure is slim and curvy. She is a mixture of pretty/beautiful/cute/hot.

Dereck and Celia both have chestnut brown hair but Abrina has platinum blonde. The three children give a note to Mrs. Garrison. He nods.

"OK, just introduce yourselves to all of us." Mrs. Garrison says.

"Hi. My name is Dereck Rachels. I am 9 years old and in the 4th Grade. I like to watch TV and play on the computer. Sports are fun." Says the boy dressed in red. His voice sounds somewhat like Clyde's.

"Hey boys and other. I am Celia Rachels, I am 9 years old, in the 4th Grade. I love partying and magazines." Says the fat girl dressed in pink. Her pink lipstick is over applied.

"Hello, everyone. I am Abrina Rachels. I am 9 years old and in the 4th Grade. I like sports, TV, computers, et cetera, et cetera." The boys look at the attractive girl in awe.

"Are there any questions to ask these new kids?" Every boy raises their hand. A few girls do, too.

"Yes, Wendy."

"I have a question for all of the three. Where do you guys come from?" Wendy asks.

"New York City." Dereck replies.

"I have a question for Celia. How much were those clothes? They're awesome." Bebe asks.

Celia beams, and then replies. "About 2,000 American. Not much." The girls gawp. So do the boys. "We are each wearing around 2,500 dollars in clothing."

"Well who wants to give Dereck a tour of the school? How about Clyde and Stan." Clyde and Stan leave with Dereck. "Who wants to tour Celia? OK Bebe and Amy." Bebe and Amy leave the class with Celia. "And lastly, who wants to give a tour to Abrina? OK Wendy and Kyle." Wendy and Kyle leave the room.


BACK IN THE CAFETERIA. THE BOYS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE.


"So, Kyle, did you make out with Abrina on the tour?" Says a muffled Kenny.

"No." Kyle glares at him. "Listen, she's actually smart. She doesn't take advantage of her looks, and she's funny." Kyle says. The boys roll their eyes. "I hope it's OK that I invited her to come to sit with us at lunch." Kyle looks around. Stan, Cartman and Kenny nod. Abrina walks over and sits beside Kyle.

"Hi Kyle. This must be Stan and Cartman and Kenny. Hi." Abrina says plainly. She looks down at her food. She picks at it. She gathers all of the trays on the table and tosses them in the garbage.

"That was my lunch!" Stan angers as the rest of the boys complain.

"No, this is now." Abrina hands each boy a lunch containing a burger, fries, and a soda. "My family's rich. Don't ask anything more." Kenny cheers.

"Why are you so down?" Kyle asks as she solemly starts to eat.

"It's because you're a stupid Jew Kyle. I'm sorry Abrina, Kyle's just a Jew rat. You don't want to hang out with him. I support Hitler and the Nazi's. Come be with me. We'll kill Kyle for being a filthy Jew." Cartman says smiling.

At this point Abrina is wide eyed, staring at Cartman in horror. "I'm Jewish too. I think I have to go now." Abrina leaves the table.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .
Last edited by KylezGirl4Ever on Wed May 17, 2006 2:34 am, edited 2 times in total.
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master ed
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Postby master ed » Sun Apr 16, 2006 3:03 pm

the bad part about me is that i hate reading really long ones......i like short chapters and long stories because i have a short attention span...Thats y i didnt like it that much...good story but shorten up...i no people will disagree with me but its only my opinion :gaykenny:
KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

Just letting anyone know . . .

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Sun Apr 16, 2006 5:55 pm

I just wanted to let you guys know that if you can not imagine the characters I have made up, then email me and I will send you a picture of them. :mrgreen:
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ShaneHaughey
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Postby ShaneHaughey » Sun Apr 16, 2006 7:31 pm

You have a Mary Sue, and, well, I f*cking hate Mary Sues. :lol:
So, it'll be impossible for me to be nice. The grammar is okay, you chose a good style, and the spelling is decent but the cotent is okay at best. Oh, and you have a Mary Sue...I had to mention that again.
That's how it's down here on the farm!
KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

Chapter 3:

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Sun Apr 16, 2006 7:46 pm

Chapter 3:


The boys didn't see Abrina at school the next day. Or the next. Or the rest of the week. On Friday, as everyone was leaving, the four boys walked up to Dereck and Celia.

"Is your sister OK?" Asked Stan.

"What? Yeah, totally. She's fine." Dereck didn't look at them as he said this.

"So that hottie's playing hookie?" Cartman ranted. Celia glared at him.

"No, my sister's locked herself in her room. She hasn't come out since Monday. She has a food supply and her own bathroom. She can stay in as long as she wants." Dereck glared at Cartman too.

"Wh-what's she doing?" Stan asked nervously. "Because Cartman said something really rude to her."

"Yeah she told me that, we hate him now." Celia looked at Stan and smiled. "You're cute."

"Umm, thanks. Anyways, is she like, commiting suicide in there?" Stan asked again, nervously.

"No, she's probably planning to commit hommicide." Dereck replied as if this statement is normal. "She'll be back at school on Monday."

"Hommicide?!?! To who?" Said Kyle shocked.

"We're kidding. She'll just choose Cartman." Celia laughed, a very slutty laugh.

"She wants to fight Cartman? She can't. He fought an adult and won!" Kyle exclaimed.

"My sister fought off a gang. It was Puff Daddy's gang. Ring any bells? She fought off an entire gang, unarmed!" Celia did some weird movement with her hand and walked away. Dereck followed her.

"Geez Cartman, you're in deep sh*t." Stated Kenny.

"Whatever, girls can't fight. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman walked away.

"I really hope Cartman doesn't kick her ass." Stan hoped.

"Same here, dude." Kyle and Stan start to walk home. Kenny tries to follow, except trips over his shoelaces, landing in a pile of sh*t. Four Sixth Graders ride over him on bikes.

"I'm OK." Said a very bloody Kenny. Suddenly a huge bald eagle picked him up, ripping through his flesh and dropping him from 100 feet in the air. He landed facefirst on a skateboard.

"I'm still OK." An extremely bloody Kenny said. Suddenly, the skateboard started to go downhill, heading into traffic. Kenny was still on it. The skateboard reached the traffic. Kenny rolled out onto the street.

"I'm still OK!" Yells a Kenny, who's covered in blood. About a second later a big SUV runs over Kenny.

"Are you OK?" Says Butters, who was really close by. "I guess not. Geez, I'm gonna be grounded. Lululululu, I've got some apples . . ."

"Tweek! Yo! Tweek! Come over here!" Yelled Stan. Tweek walked over, shaking (nothing new). "Tweek, would you say Kenny's dead?"

"Oh my God! Jesus Christ! I can't decide that! Way too much pressure man." Tweek pulled out a blonde lock of his hair. "Agghhhh!"

"Tweek, can you do us one single favour? If you do, we promise you an entire lifetime with absolutely no pressure." Stan said.

"What's the favour?" Tweek yells unintentionally.

"All you need to do is go up to where that girl Abrina lives. Knock on her door, asking if you can come in. Once she lets you in, go upstairs, talk to her, and leave. We want to know as much as possible as her so we can get dibs on her. OK?" Stan said very calmly.

"Wait a minute, I thought it was obvious that I had dibs on her once I gave her a tour AND was Jewish like her." Kyle glares.

"Whatever dude, she'll like me way better, I've already had a proper girlfriend." Stan shrugged it off.

"I've had Rebecca." Kyle exclaimed.

"I said proper." Stan laughed. "Whatever, Tweek, will you do it?"

"Wh-where does she live? Agghhh!" Tweek yells in excitement. Token walks over from eavesdropping.

"She lives beside my house. Her family's rich. They're richer than me. Anyways, I have dibs on her because from my bedroom window I can see her room. Score!" Token's head momentarily turns into a Quagmire shaped head, saying "All right!"

"Fine, I'll do it."

TO BE CONTINUED . . .
Last edited by KylezGirl4Ever on Wed May 17, 2006 2:36 am, edited 4 times in total.
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KylezGirl4Ever
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Please Just . . .

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:37 am

People! People write down your opinion of my writing. I'm doing a survey on how many people like my writing. Depending on responses I might keep the story going or shut it down if nobody likes it. It appears only one person enjoys my writing besides me and my friends.
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master ed
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Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:17 pm

Postby master ed » Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:46 am

o i love it. just too long for my gay brain(lol) please keep it
KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

Ummm . . .

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:49 am

I'm not sure if I just got complemented or insulted. :?
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master ed
Posts: 677
Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2006 8:17 pm

Postby master ed » Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:52 am

compliment gosh

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