9 YEARS LATER . . . . .
Stanley woke up to the sound of feet running up and down the stairs on top of the cupboard of which he lived. He heard whoever was running up and down the stairs yelling:
"Get up! Get up you gaywad!" Cartman was yelling.
"Stop it fatass, you're going to fall through the stairs!" Said Stanley, looking at the ceiling, which was starting to wear away from Cartman's daily wake up calls. And sure enough, Cartman was suddenly flailing through the air, out of the whole that had just recently formed in Stan's cupboard's ceiling.
"Look what you did, you f*cking fatass!" Stan bellowed at Cartman.
"Mo-om, Stanley broke the ceiling,and is trying to blame me." Cartman whined and opened the cupboard door.
"What? What the f*ck do you mean? You're the one who just broke through my ceiling, you fat piece of sh*t!" Stanley yelled.
Aunt Petunia entered the room. "Stanley, what did you just say?"
"He called me a fat p-piece of sh*t." Cartman pretended to cry.
"You WHAT?" Yelled Aunt Petunia in Stanley's face.
"I CALLED HIM A FAT PIECE OF SH*T," Yelled back Stanley. "AND I WAS TELLING THE F*CKING TRUTH."
Uncle Vernon entered the crowded cupboard. "Did I just hear you say that Eric is FAT?" He bellowed.
"YES! NOW ALL OF YOU, GET OUT OF MY F*CKING ROOM!" Yelled Stanley. The three other people shuffled out of the room. Stanley heard Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia discussing not to feed him for a week. He looked up at the hole in his ceiling. "F*cking fatass." He mumbled to himself.
Cartman suddenly appeared looking through the hole at him, holding a water gun.
"Stop!" Stanley said, horrified. Cartman pointed the gun at Stanley's crotch, then squirting. It got all over Stanley's pants.
Suddenly Cartman yelled: "Mo-om, Stanley had a little accident."
Stanley hated his life.
Stanley was making breakfast for the family.
"So I assume you're having 5,000 slices of bacon, fatass?" Stanley turned to Cartman.
"Mo-om, Stanley called me fat." Cartman turned to Aunt Petunia.
"I was just telling him the truth!" Stanley screamed before his aunt could say anything.
"He's just big-boned!" Aunt Petunia shouted.
"An elephant is big-boned, a pig is big-boned. Cartman is FAT!" Stanley shouted back. "And so is Uncle Vernon! I f*cking hate this family!"
"Now Stanley -- "
"Shut up you skanky bitch! Get out of my face!" Stanley ran for it. He slid through the slightly open door, outside.
He ran for hours. Finally, it was nightfall. He lay down on the country-grass. He was out of Private Drive. He was out of town. He was in the country.
Out of nowhere in the sky a bright light appeared. It was coming closer, and when only a few feet from Stanley, he realized it was a motorcycle. It was flying.
"Dude, something's pretty f*cked up right here." He said. The cycle landed. An overweight man got off.
"There ya' are Stan. Been looking for ya'." The man said.
"Who the hell are you?" Stanley said, terrified.
"Nevermind that now, the important subject is you. You're a wizard Stanley. You can do magic." The man told him. Stanley's eyes shone with delight.
"All right! Am I a magician?"
"Not quite, but you can do neat stuff."
"You were just cast a spell at Private Drive." The man said. "I've been watching you."
"What kind of spell?" Stanley asked, amazed.
"It's called spazmaticco. You can imagine what that does."
After being told that he was a wizard, Stanley and this Chef headed back to Private Drive. Chef knocked on the door. Aunt Petunia answered.
"Ahhhh!" She screamed and ran behind Uncle Vernon who was now approaching the door.
Chef was by far taller than Vernon, but Vernon almost reached the plumpness of Chef.
"Who are you? And what are you doing with my nephew?" Uncle Vernon stood on his tipi-toes to look into Chef's eyes, but was still more than a head below eyelevel.
"I'm Chef," Chef held out a greasy hand.
Uncle Vernon shuddered at the greasy hand and pushed it away.
"Oh, you're nephew's a wizard." Chef said absent mindedly.
"WHAT?" Uncle Vernon roared.
"YOU'RE NEPHEW'S A WIZARD." Chef leaned towards Vernon.
"I heard you, I just am in complete shock!" Uncle Vernon gave a sheepish laugh.
"Oh. Well, off to Pig Pimples." Chef turned around, but was caught on the arm by Stanley.
"Huh? What's Pig Pimples?"
"The school for Wizards."
"Oh. Why's it called Pig Pimples?"
"Dunno," Chef pulled a bag of Cheesy Poofs out of his knap-sack, opened it and began eating a few, making the orange powder wipe off on his greasy hands.
Eric ran out from behind Aunt Petunia, up to Chef. "My Cheesy Poofs! Give me my Cheesy Poofs!"
"These are mine! Bug off you ass rash!" Chef turned away from Eric, but he jumped up and tried to grab the bag.
"Respect ma' authoritah!" He jumped up and down trying to grab the bag. He spotted Stanley. He stopped. He walked over to Stanley, grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and pointed a finger at Chef. "Who the hell is that Black Jew over there?"
Stanley said - still being lifted an inch or two off the ground - "He's not Jewish!"
"Tell me!" Eric roared, sounding much like Uncle Vernon.
"No!" Stanley yelled.
Eric dropped Stanley; who lost balance and fell.
"Let's go, Stan." Chef grabbed Stanley by the hand and dragged him away from Private Drive.
Stan, Stanley thought. I like that name; Stan.
I'm guessing you're going to have Kyle as Stan's redhaired friend. Wendy would probably make a good Hermione, since she is one of the top students in class. I know Butters would make a good Neville, since everything bad always happens to him.
Oh, I just noticed. "A fat and spoilt brat." Rhymage!
Siggy 100% Paint, 'cause Photoshop pisses me off.
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