(The whole 4th grade class including Mrs. Garrison is in the classroom, all of them leaning out of their chair staring at the clock)
(The whole class simultaneously)
Class: 5...4...3...2...1... YEAH!
(Everyone jumps out of their seat cheering and is excited, but Cartman is more excited then everyone else, tipping chairs, screaming in people's faces)
Cartman: That's right bitches, you know what time of the year it is, Christmas, the best god damn holiday ever
Stan: God I was hoping he wouldn't do this, this year
Kyle: All I know is that I'm sure happy I don't have to spend Christmas with him
Kenny: Damn right, but all I get for Christmas is a bottle of beer and a pack of smokes
(Cut to Cartman in his house searching for his mom)
Cartman: Mom, where the hell are you
(Looks and seeing her pack some bags)
Cartman: Mom what are you doing out of the kitchen?
(Cartman notices all of the bags)
Cartman: Wow thanks mom you sure went out of your way to get more presents then last year, touche
Lianne: Well you see Eric, I'm actually going to see some friends in Dallas, The Broflovski's were nice enough to offer to take you in for the holidays
(Cartman stunned and pauses for a second)
(Cartman starts laughing)
Cartman: Hahahaha, you almost got me there mom, but April's fools day was like 8 months ago
Lianne: Eric I'm serious, I thought you would be happy playing with Kyle over the winter holidays
(Cartman extremely pissed off)
Cartman: You've got to be sh*tting me, I can deal with staying over at Stan's house, at least they still celebrate Christmas, Or even Kenny even though there poor, But the Broflovski's their Jewish in case you didn't notice, my respect for you has hit rock bottom bitch
Lianne: Eric I'm sorry there' nothing I can do about it
Cartman: I don't know you, I'm going to pretend you don't exist
Lianne: But E.I.-
(Cartman interrupts by putting his hands over his ears)
Cartman: lalalala I can't here you
Lianne: Well my ride's here Eric have fun at the Broflovski's
Cartman: Did I just hear something, I think some bitch is talking to me
(Cartman entering the Broflovski's house, Sheila answers the door)
Sheila: Eric, we've been expecting you
Cartman: Screw off I'm not in the mood
Sheila: W-Wuh What did he say
(Cartman enters the house)
Kyle: Don't worry mom he's always like this
Cartman: Let's make the best of this sh*tty holidays, do you have any good movies
(Kyle shows him the movie stash in the drawer)
Kyle: We got how the Grinch stole Christmas
Cartman: Oh I got the Jewish version of that
Kyle: God damnit Cartman if your going to stay in my house your going to have to respect my religion
Cartman: No I’m serious they make Jewish versions for every movie ever made, It just makes fun of jews the whole movie
Cartman: It's called how the Jew stole Christmas
Kyle: Yeh whatever Cartman, they make fat ass versions for every movie made to (rolls his eyes)
Kyle: We got how to get rid of a guy in 10 days, Dumb and Dumber and Dumber and dumberer
Cartman: Yeah I got the Jewish versions of those movies, How to get rid of a Jew in 10 days, Jewish and Jewisher and Jewisher and Jewisherer
Kyle: God damnit Cartman I'm serious your going to have respect my religion
Cartman: Yeah whatever, Got any Good Cd's
Kyle: Green day, Boulevard of broken dreams
Cartman: Once again I've got the Jewish version Boulevard of Broken Jews, inspired by sir Adolf Hitler himself
Kyle: Seriously dude I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that
Gerald: Everyone let's gather around while I tell you the meaning of Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a holiday celebrated by Jewish people every year between the end of November and the end of December. It begins on the 25th day of the Hebrew month of Kislev, a date which varies from year to year on the Western calendar.
Cartman: Gah you've all been brainwashed
Sheila: Does anyone want any bagels
Cartman: My point proven exactly
Gerald: Anyways Hanukkah is an eight-day celebration commemorating a miracle that occurred in Jerusalem in 165 B.C. That year, a small group of Jews known as the Maccabees (which means "hammer") fought for and successfully won religious freedom from the oppressive Syrians. During the rededication of the Jerusalem Temple, there was only enough oil to light the N'er Tamid, or eternal light, for one night. By some miracle, however, the sacred lamp burned for eight days. Thus, Hanukkah has come to signify a triumph of a people with a burning determination to preserve its identity. Hanukkah, in fact, means "dedication" in Hebrew and is also known as the "Feast of Dedication" in addition to the "Feast (or Festival) of Lights."
Cartman: (Yawns) Am I still awake god damn that was boring
Cartman this is how hannukah started ahem, It took 8 nights for the Jews to capture and kill Jesus Christ, Hens the title 8 crazy nights, Us normal people celebrate Christmas a time of giving and not receiving, you jews celebrate the killing of the lord Jesus Christ.
(The whole Family in Awe)
It begins on the 25th day because that's how many times you stabbed Jesus on the cross, The miracle was killing Jesus, The mackabees which means hammer is a celebration on the weapon of choice of the nailing of Jesus Christ the hammer, there was only enough oil to light the N'er Tamid, or eternal light, for one night, back then that was their fireworks used as the celebration of the murder of our saviour Thus, Hanukkah has come to signify a triumph of a people with a burning determination to preserve its identity, That's because Jewish people burned Jesus and ate his ashes because they have no soul, hens the Feast of Dedication, the eating of Jesus Christ,
Sheila: Ike cover your ears
Ike: Jewish people suck
Kyle: CARTMAN, stop now this isn't funny
Cartman: Hold on Kyle I'm not quite done yet
To honor the eight-day oil miracle, Jewish families light one candle for each night of Hanukkah every night - one candle on the first night, two candles on the second night, and so on. A nine-branch menorah holds all of the candles, with the ninth candle used to light the other candles.
Each day signified coming closer to killing Jesus back then, The dreidel, they used to spin and see, should they stab Jesus, should they rips out his organs, should they leave him for the night, or should burn him, and they had sponsors for the weapons who put a token in the pot, token is black and u also threw black people in pots
Sheila: Oh my god what is he saying, Go to bed Eric, I can't believed to agree to take you over the holidays
Cartman: You think I like it here lady, I'm dealing with it day by day, I'm going to sleep good night Jews
Kelly MacCornmac wrote:You have certainly increased on detail. Much better than some of your other fics. Unfortunately the timing is off, it isn't x-mas yet...
I know but I write 1 fic about every week or two and this is my seventh fic and that is like the last episode of the run usually and they didn't do a Christmas episode in Season 9 and I thought we were due for one
Anyways Part 2
(Cartman and Kyle are sleeping in the same bed, Cartman taking up about 70 % of the bed leaving Kyle scrunched up in a ball in the right side of the bed)
(Cartman rolls over some more to the right hand side, nearly on top of Kyle)
Kyle: Damn dude, you take up the whole bed
Cartman: Can't you Jews share anything?
Kyle: Cartman I'm going to deal with you this time without yelling at you, My family and I are really offended of the way your beliddling our people so can u please stop
Cartman: Leave it to a Jew to apologize, you guys should have apologized for World War 2
Kyle: God damnit Cartman, We were being held captive by Germans
Cartman: Hey wait a minute, I just thought of something, Even though you guys get sh*tty presents and Hanukkah sucks ass, I'm still going to get presents from my mom when she gets back, This might not be so bad after all
Kyle: So your going to start respecting our religious beliefs?
(Silence for about 3 seconds)
Cartman: Hahaha no I'm just getting started, Night Jew
(Cartman falls asleep immediately, then rolls over nearly on top of Kyle forcing Kyle to crunch up into a ball once again)
(Cartman Starts snoring extremely loud)
(Kyle notices a wet Mark on the bed)
Kyle: That better not be what I think that is
(Kyle sniffs it, Oh weak that's sweat, God damn Cartman's out of shape)
(Kyle wakes up with sweat all over him and his bed)
(Kyle is tired and mutters)
Kyle: God damnit Cartman
(Kyle comes downstairs and notices Cartman and Ike watching TV)
Kyle: What are you guys watching (Kyle still in distance from the TV and can't quite make out what they're watching)
Cartman: Ummm nothing hahaha (Chuckles)
(Kyle glances over at the TV and realizes they're watching a documentary about Hitler and the Holocaust)
Cartman: Hail Hitler!
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell? Ike don't watch!
Cartman: Say it Ike, show Kyle what I taught you
Ike: There were over 1.5 million dirty Jewish children exterminated during the Holocaust
(Cartman claps his hands after Ike id done)
Cartman: Here's a poem I wrote
Cartman: First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out — because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists
and I did not speak out — because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out — because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me —
and by then there was no one left to speak out for me.
Then they killed the jews and I laughed because I am not a jew
(Kyle turns off The TV)
Kyle: No Ike, that's bad, that's a bad Ike
(Kyle takes Cartman into the corner)
Kyle: Cartman I swear to God
Cartman: You mean Abraham not God haha
Kyle: Cartman! I will make my parents send you somewhere else I mean it
Cartman: Try your best, you’ll be doing me a favor, I don't want to be stranded on Jew Island here
(Sheila comes down into the kitchen)
Sheila: Guess what I made for breakfast boys
Cartman: Hmm let me guess, Bagels?
Sheila: Yes Eric how'd you know
Cartman: Because I'm psychic haha it's common sense
(Cut to everyone in the living room)
Gerald: Since you boys didn't open your presents last night because we were so angry at Eric you can open one right now
(Ike and Kyle rush for their presents and are about to unwrap one)
Cartman: Thanks for the dreidel Gerald
Gerald: ... But you didn't open it yet
(Cartman goes and unwraps it and a dreidel comes out)
Cartman: Well what do you know
Gerald: Well since we got off to a bad start yesterday why don't we gather around and tell some jokes
Gerald: What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?
Gerald: Tooth Hurty..... (No one laughs)
(Cartman stand up)
Cartman: May I?
Kyle: Oh God please don't
Cartman: Since it's Hanukkah, I’ll try my Jewish routine,
Cartman: Ahem, Five Jewish gentlemen were playing poker one night when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Bash looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.
Nordheim schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Nordheim declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Nordheim says, "I'll tell him."
(Gerald and Sheila laugh)
Gerald: Well it's true money is always a problem
Cartman: Tell me about it
(Kyle has a scared look on his face like he knows something is up)
Cartman thank you thank you, A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
The Family Chuckles, Gerald, haha my mom never approved of Sheila
Cartman: Don't blame her, I know where she's coming from
Cartman: What’s the difference between pizza and Jews?
Cartman: Pizza's don't scream in the oven, hahahaha
(The whole family is in awe, looking at Eric like he's some kind of monster)
Kyle: God damnit Cartman, I knew you would take it to far
Sheila: Go to your room young man, we are all appalled and can't stand to look at you
Cartman: Fine I like it better upstairs
(Cut to Cartman on the phone with his mom)
Cartman: Mom I can't stand it here, you better bring some god damn good presents home this year
Lianne: Ummm Eric, I don't have the time nor the money, I’m sorry Eric but the only presents you'll be getting this year will be from the Broflovski's
Cartman: YOU WHAT! You traitor, Judas, that's who you are Judas
(Cartman slams the phone and hangs up)
Cartman: If I'm having a sh*tty Christmas I'm bringing everyone down with me
End of Part 2
Any comments, criticism or reviews would be highly appreciated
I thought it was pee XD. Good so far.Cartman_91 wrote:
(Cartman Starts snoring extremely loud)
(Kyle notices a wet Mark on the bed)
Kyle: That better not be what I think that is
Yea me too. Sorry C91, but your comedy so far didn't make me laugh at all, but of course I rarely laugh when I'm reading fics...dunno why. Pretty good story slightly clinched a litte, but good.Kyle the Skeptic wrote:I would have had Kyle beat the crap out of Cartman already, but maybe that's just me.
(Kyle is sleeping in his bed by himself, The blinds are open and sun is coming out of them meaning it's morning, suddenly Kyle's eyes open, He looks over and notices Cartman isn't there)
Kyle: If Kyle's showing Ike one of those Holocaust documentary's I swear I’ll rip Cartman to pieces
Kyle: Hey how come there isn't any sweat or drool on the bed, what Cartman didn't even leave an imprint on the bed this time
(Kyle enters the Kitchen and see's Cartman with 3 empty plates with scraps of food left on them and some food on Cartman's upper lip, there is also 4 more plates of bacon and eggs)
Kyle: Don't you think you've had enough food fat ass
Cartman: Oh brother Kyle how are you doing, I was up all night making a special breakfast for the family
Kyle: Did you just call me brother Kyle
Cartman: Cartman can you be a good sport and hand the bacon and eggs to our family
Kyle: It's my family Cartman, not yours! I know your up to something and I don't like it one bit
Cartman: can't I do something nice for the family for once
(Kyle has a weird smirk on his face)
(Cartman goes to Gerald and Sheila's bed where Ike is sleeping on the side)
Cartman (All happy): Wake up sleepy heads, Breakfast
*They all wake up and get up slowly)
Sheila: You made all this for us Eric
Cartman: I sure did
Gerald: Well Thanks Eric that was really thoughtful of you
(Ike eating the bacon)
Ike: Yeh "Fank you" "Cottmin"
(Cut to the family all gathered around sitting down together in the living room)
Gerald: Eric, I was thinking about what you were saying and you're right, the boys usually get dreidels, so this time I got you guys something else
(Cartman jumps quicker then all of them and rips off the wrapping paper)
(Cartman mumbling to himself, Please be Mega Man X, Please be Mega Man X)
(He reveals it and finds out it's a set of Boxing gloves)
Cartman (Sarcastically): Wow that was on the top of my list
(Cut to Cartman downstairs testing out his boxing gloves, he is punching a poster of a Hippy on the wall)
Cartman: Take that you stupid hippies, (Cartman sparring) That's right you Hippies don't stand a chance
(Kyle’s comes down stairs)
(Kyle notices a huge poster on a desk with writing all over it and the only words visible in "The Plan""
(Cartman runs over to the poster and locks it up in the closet)
Kyle: I know you're up to something Eric
Cartman: haha what would ever make you say that
Kyle: Drop the act fat ass
Cartman: Don't call me fat God damnit, That's it Kyle I'm pissed off, let's go right now, me and you,
Kyle: Oh brother, haha you can't be serious every time we fight I always kick your ass
Cartman: You've never kicked my ass
(Flashbacks to Cartoon wars Part 2 and Christmas in Canada when Kyle kicks the crap out of Cartman)
(Cartman has his boxing gloves on)
(Kyle puts his gloves on)
(Cartman running around from side to side)
Cartman: Where am I going baby where am I going, you got nothing on me
(Cartman swings a right hook at Kyle in slow motion which looks like it inflicted pain, then a close up on a face with tears running down their face)
(Then a normal view and you can see the tears are coming from Cartman's eyes)
Cartman: Owww it hurts, I think I broke my knuckle, owwwww (crying his eyes out)
(Kyle gives him a kick in the stomach and an upper cut to the face, while Cartman falls down in severe pain)
Kyle: Cartman I mean it, don't mess this Hanukkah up
(Kyle walks up the stairs as Cartman is balling his eyes out)
(Cut to the whole family up stairs in the living room)
Cartman: Since you guys have been so nice to me letting me stay over the holidays I got you guys each something
Cartman: Here you go Gerald (Hands him a box)
(Gerald opens it and notices it's a Rolex)
Gerald: Oh my God! A Rolex, I've wanted one of these for years
Cartman: You can thank me later
(Cartman hands Sheila a present)
Cartman: here you go Sheila
(Sheila opens it up and it's a Dr. Phil book)
(The Cover is It's Not Your Fault You Screwed Up Your Life. You Have ADD)
Sheila: Eric, I'm speechless
Cartman: I thought you'd like it
Cartman: Ike let's go into the backyard
(They all go to the backyard and notice a pony)
Ike: A pony!
Cartman: Wow it feels good to give
Gerald: Where on earth did you come up with the money for all of this
Cartman: I've been saving up for a special moment and this turned out to be a special moment, but let's not forget there's Kyle's present
(Cartman hands Kyle a box)
(Kyle opens it and notices it's a box of Tampons)
Cartman: I thought to myself hmm what would Kyle want, and I noticed you've been a little moody lately and maybe thought you were about to have your period
(Kyle runs at Cartman and Gerald holds him back)
Gerald: Kyle, you should thank him for all the presents he got our family, Now go to bed Kyle, Cartman you can stay up a bit later
Kyle: What how come he gets to stay up later
Gerald: he's a lot older then you Kyle
Kyle: I'm 2 months older then him
Gerald: Well he's a lot more mature then you
(Kyle gives Cartman a dirty look)
Sheila: Good night Eric, I still can't imagine where you got all those presents from
(Cut to Token's house)
Mr. Williams: Hey where's my Rolex watch?
Mrs. Williams: Yeah and where's my Dr. Phil. book
Token: Hey I thought you guys said you were getting me a pony this year
Mr. Williams: We did, we did but where are they, hey and why is our window broken?
Mrs. Williams: Has anyone sen my tampons?
(Cut to Cartman in the basement writing on his poster and writing his plan, he is putting a lot of effort into it with his tongue sticking out)
(Cut to Cartman walking up to a house camouflaged, he cuts a hole in their window and drags all these presents out)
(Cartman walks up to another house slides down the chimney, getting up all dirty and swipes all the presents)
(Cartman walks up to another house punches in a number for the alarm and the door opens)
(Cut to the whole Family getting up together and noticing over 400 presents in the living room)
Cartman: Wow, Santa was good to us
Gerald: Umm well we don't believe in Santa we're Jewish
Cartman: But I'm not, so this can mean only one thing, all these presents are for me! Yes, Yes (Cartman dives into all the presents)
Gerald (Whispering to Sheila): Did you buy him all those
Sheila: I thought you did
(The doorbell rings)
(Stan walks in)
Stan: Hurry guys there is an emergency meeting at the recreational center
Kyle: The rec center again
Stan: I know all our presents missing aren't yours
(Stan runs off)
(Everyone in South Park in the Recreational center)
Mayor Mcdaniels: Citizens of South Park, as you know there has been a terrible crime committed, someone with no soul has done the unthinkable, they wrote Mayor Mcdaniels sucks on the wall in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty
Jimbo: What about the present's my handgun went missing
(Cartman shoves something into his pocket that looks like a handgun)
(Ned doing sign language)
(Subtitles appear, Someone stole my voice box)
Cartman: Yeah someone stole my hockey stick
(Cartman looks around to see if everyone's buying it)
Mrs. Williams: Someone stole my Tampons
Mayor Mcdaniels: Someone did the unthinkable they ruined Christmas
Mr. Garrison: But who would do such a thing
Cartman: I'll tell you, the Jews
Mr. Garrison: Eric what the hell are you talking about
Cartman: They have hundreds of presents at their house, I saw them all, I guess they were jealous they only got 8 presents
Cartman: Follow me to the Broflovski's
Why do they talk to themselves in these two parts? Also, why didn't Kyle, Shiela, or Gerald say anything when Cartman was saying that the Jews took the presents and to follow him to their house?Cartman_91 wrote:Kyle: If Kyle's showing Ike one of those Holocaust documentary's I swear I’ll rip Cartman to pieces
Cartman: Cartman can you be a good sport and hand the bacon and eggs to our family
EDIT: ^Probally because they wern't there.
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