It’s worse than ‘Back to the Future’

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MysticMaddess
Posts: 34
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:47 pm

It’s worse than ‘Back to the Future’

Postby MysticMaddess » Wed Aug 30, 2006 12:20 am

This is my first fanfiction, I am embarrassing myself by posting it but just don't go on me like a huge bag of cement blocks as they'd just bounce of my fat belly and land on you. (Please comment on ways of improvements if you hate it – not flaming). Also to add for five minutes I've been trying to persuade myself to press submit - I'm that nervous about it.

Anyway, this is a future fan fiction Eric Cartman will turn back into his Future Self 'n' Me plumber self - no worries!

What’s worse than Back to the Future? This is! By MysticMaddess


Chapter One – The Plot of a Pyromaniac

[It is a beautiful evening as two sixth graders walk out of a mansion. Brianne Cartman has long messy brown hair and is walking with Lilith Wolf, she is skipping giggling trying to link her arms with Brianne’s]

Brianne: [Shakes her arm away from Lilith’s grip] (Moaning) Why do you do this everyday?

Lilith: (giggling) It’s like my erm…

Brianne: (drearily) Routine? I am not a dictionary for your personal use. I am a spell checker and that’s it.

Lilith: (heartily) Where did that sharp tongue come from?

Brianne: (muttered) Never mind, Bubbles. [Cell-phone rings with college-rock ring tone] [Answers Phone] [Loud nagging from phone] (Shouting) NO DAD! I AM OUTSIDE THE BLOODY HOUSE! [More nagging from the phone] I WILL NOT GET MUGGED NOW SHUT YOU CONCEITED assh*le! [Hangs up angrily on phone]

Lilith: Your dad may be concerned about you. Unlike my gay adoptive parents. They suck ass… [Shakes fist threateningly and punches the air]

Brianne: The air is on the floor whinging at Mommy… crying. [Strong wind blows] And now the air has decided to hit you back.

Lilith: (sighs) The air is so immature! (Chuckles)

Brianne: And so are you. (Sheepish Grin)

Lilith: (happily) All you do is whine about the world – you are like an emo!

Brianne: Never compare me to an emo. And besides, you should listen to my dad – the last time he spoke about me was that phone call about me being mugged in Sunnyvale.

Lilith: That happened recently… so that means he does talk about you, right?

Brianne: No Lilith. Since the phone-call, he only ever talked to me about me was when he was discussing dating and that talk back when I was 10. It was a couple of years ago.

Lilith: Why don’t you try to talk to him?

Brianne: He has like… a business schedule, which can only be broken if… I…

Lilith: (excitedly) GET IN TROUBLE!

Brianne: I know the plan. Should we do the famous ritual…?

Lilith: Of letting my pyromania set another school on fire!

Brianne: (whispered) Shut it… I am not in the mood of another police questioning.

Lilith: Oh God, those things piss me off.

Brianne: (blandly) Me too.

Lilith: (whispered) Tomorrow. At Form. Bring the gasoline in the duffel bag for Gym.

Brianne: I’ll try… [Waves goodbye] I got to get back or else the citizens will mug me…. Oh deary me!

Lilith: (mutters to self) I don’t understand why I burn things.

Random Narrator: WILL THEY SET ANOTHER CRAPPY PRIVATE SCHOOL ON FIRE? AND WILL THEY GET A CHANCE TO TALK TO ERIC CARTMAN? (THE DEFINITION OF THE AVERAGE SOCIOPATH!)

Chapter Two – Grant me sanity.

[The two girls are walking into the School kitchens with two duffel bags filled with wood, matches and gasoline]

Brianne: So this is the biggest fire risk?

Lilith: Yeah. But would the best place me the Principal’s office?

Brianne: But that would have the Principal in. So we couldn’t blame that girl named Phoebe… or was it Phoenix?

Lilith: Don’t ask me for names… my memory is short.

Brianne: [Throws the kindle on the floor next to the box of Cardboard fish sticks] Do the honours…

Lilith: [Throws Gasoline all over the room and gets Flamethrower out] OUT NOW!

[They both run out as Lilith uses the Flamethrower to start a fire]

Brianne: Hey! That fire is getting pretty big… and you are going to kill lots of students… and a guilty conscience.

Lilith: My dad did something similar to the Jews. I’m just doing it to the Catholic spoilt brats. Who cares? I see no difference the way they leak the economy of Germany dry! [Shaking fist and drops Flamethrower]

Brianne: You opening admitted your problem. Of Adolf Hitler being your real father now you must ask God for guidance.

Lilith: I am not a Catholic!

Brianne: Sometimes I wonder if you qualify in being able to translate my sarcasm into English. Can you?

Lilith: (German accent) DON’T MAKE JOKES WHILE THE JEWS ARE IN THE OVEN – LET US WATCH IN BLISS AND HAPPINESS!

[Whole School on fire]

Brianne: You really do take a lot from your father.

Lilith: You have inherited your father’s last name, brown hair and his cleft chin. [points at chin]

Brianne: Our fathers have so many similarities. I wonder if Phoenix lives to tell the tale.

Lilith: She has to, or else I’m doomed to an eternity to prison.

Brianne: Or you could go and marry some air-head for an hour and shoot yourself. As you do take after your father…

Lilith: DON’T BELITTLE MY FATHER!

[Eric and Cynzia Cartman run to them both]

Eric: Where are your homosexual parents?!

Lilith: They don’t parent me anymore – Stan and Kyle prefer to spend most of their time together – alone.

Brianne: [Hands over ears] I is trying to think clean un-sinful thoughts!

Cynzia: Don’t cover up your pain of your favourite school burning down – it’s okay to cry.

Brianne: Seriously! Lady Jane… [Hands go on hips] I do not suffer from your raging hormones that come from menopause – so don’t treat me like I’m a middle-aged lesbian who longs for a female child. I do not wish that to happen in my life.

Cynzia: [slaps Brianne] Sometimes I wonder if you have got your father’s evilness.

Eric: EY! The last time I tried to exterminate the Jews was in College!

Brianne: Lilith decided to make a joke; it was a Hitler and Jews in an oven Joke. What slander! [fake swoon]

Lilith: How many Disney films do you watch per week?

Brianne: None, unless you count the amount of stereotypes my dad places down about a heterosexual relationships.

Eric: Stop it kid.

Lilith: Look mister! [Pokes Eric at his chest] At least my dad would talk to me about serious issues… erm… Brianne go ahead.

Eric: WHAT NOW?

Brianne: (chuckles quietly) Dad, by the way – are you a sociopath?

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