INT. – MR. GARRISON’S LIVING ROOM
MR. GARRISON sits on his couch, enraptured by what he’s watching on the TELEVISION. Twinkling harp-like music can be heard off screen. Very cheap music from a bad soap opera.
SOAP OPERA ACTRESS (o.s.)
The child is not yours, Professor! It never was! Neither was the estate, grandmother’s endowments, nor Dinosaur Mountain! All of them, and all of my love, have forever belonged to…
We interrupt this melodramatic piece of sh*t to bring you an urgent report!
GARRISON looks entirely pissed off.
We’ve been reporting over the last few weeks stories about the forest fires that have been ravaging the California countryside. Well, it turns out that the battle against the blazes has finally been won. By nature. Yes, Mother Nature, like all women, is a relentless, all-consuming bitch whose path of destruction never ends no matter how many acres of woodlands she’s burned with her massive, fiery gunt. While Californian forest fire fighters have been dealing with nature’s PMS heroically for the past few weeks, unfortunately the state government water rationing service, doing what government-run systems do best – which is to say, appointing useless liberal douches to ruin everything – announced just this morning that the beloved state of California… is almost completely out of fresh water. If nothing changes soon, the people of California are all going to die of dehydration. (beat) They’ll all be greatly missed by their aunties.
Back to GARRISON’s face, which is now horrified. MR. SLAVE’s head appears from MR. GARRISON’s lap. He, too, is shocked.
OH MY GOD! (beat) So?! f*ck California! Who’s the father of Caitlin’s baby?
MR. GARRISON looks over at MR. SLAVE.
Did I tell you to stop?
INT. – THE MAYOR’S OFFICE
The office is overrun with TOWNSPEOPLE and the mayor’s deputies filing their complaints. Amongst the rabble can be heard such statements as “… Got no work…”, “Ain’t worked in the past six months!”, “Cain’t find none no work hyuh!” and “May I keep this pen?”
People, people, please. I know things are tough right now. Thing haven’t been the same since Super Wal-Mart came into town. It’s a sick day for capitalism when successful companies can come to South Park and put our overpriced Ma and Pa Wal-Marts right out of business – but what can I do? I’m just the mayor. You’re lucky you don’t live in California. Those people are facing a life-threatening emergency. Now please leave. All your breathing and body heat is making it slightly warm and uncomfortable in here.
The PROTESTING and YELLING grows even louder and more persistent. A man then gathers everyone’s attention.
OUT OF WORKER
You heard her, fellas. She cain’t do dick for us.
The people begin filing out slowly, until there is only one guy left.
MAYOR (fanning herself)
APPROACHES her with his hand extended.
I just wanted to say thanks fer all you’ve tried to do fer us.
MAYOR is hesitant at first, but then reaches out and shakes his hand.
Well, thank you, sir. That really means a lot to…
GUY takes her HAND, spins around, FARTS on it and walks out.
MAYOR (to aide)
This is bad.
MAYOR starts fanning herself again and shudders as she realizes she’s wafting the fart into her own face.
INT. – 4TH GRADE CLASSROOM
MR. GARRISON is instructing the class.
Which concludes our lesson on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Does anyone have any questions?
EVERYONE’s hand goes up, except KYLE’s.
Good. Now did any of you children happen to catch the season finale of “Pearl Necklaces” yesterday?
Everybody’s hand goes down except WENDY’s. CARTMAN notices and mutters to himself.
CARTMAN (under breath, to himself)
God. What is it with man-scratchers and crappy TV?
TOKEN (overhears Cartman)
I don’t know. My brother’s a man-scratcher, and he watches that stuff, too.
I wasn’t talking to you, J-bag.
What’s a “J-bag”?
CARTMAN (eyes closed, sobering his annoyance)
A jazz bag, Token. You are a big bag of jazz. Now quiet, I’m trying to listen.
Back to GARRISON.
Good. Now, Wendy, you didn’t happen to catch who was the father of Caitlin’s lesbian fetus, did you?
No, Mr. Garrison. She was about to tell Professor by the Tyrannosaur paddock when the news about California’s water shortage interrupted...
OH GOD DAMMIT! Your programming, too? I f*cking hate California with their stupid water shortage. Big deal; the government screwed everything up again. Is that really news?
Now that’s unfair. The government does the best they can. They…
I don’t recall fishin’ in your bitchin’ hole, Bebe.
Mr. Garrison, California’s in real trouble. I mean, I like “Pearl Necklaces” and all, but it’ll be on again eventually. Those people in Southern California might die!
TOKEN (cued from Wendy’s concern)
Yeah, Mr. Garrison. We should try to help them.
Oh I agree! I agree! Now let’s see… (thinking out loud to himself) what can a 4th grade class full of hilljack retards do to help the assh*les in California? Hmmmmm.
Um, Mr. Garrison?
BUTTERS (with naïve hope)
Um, why didn’t the, um, people of California use ocean water to put out the fires? They probably have a lot of that.
No, Butters, they have an ass-load of that, but ocean water is salt-water and when you pour salt all over soil it makes it so that nothing will ever grow there again.
BUTTERS (hope defeated)
Oh… So does that mean somebody poured salt-water all over your, um head, Mr. Garrison?
No, Butters. Now let me see if I can scientifically explain what happened to my hair… Um, oh I got it: Go f*ck yourself.
They should send in a Ginercologist (soft G). My mom said her forest was on fire once and the Ginercologist cleared it all up.
KENNY leans over and whispers to KYLE.
Hey, that might just work! Good idea, Kenny!
What? What is it?
Oh, does the Zionist have something to add?
Kenny just said…
Don’t let me interrupt your global takeover plan, L’Chyle. (emphasis on phlegmy Hebrew pronunciation)
KYLE (ignoring Mr. Garrison)
Kenny just said that when his parents couldn’t afford the water bill last year they just went outside and melted down some snow. He said that they lasted three whole months like that because the snow kept piling up.
So there’s snow all over the Rocky Mountains! And it’s constantly being renewed because of the high altitude. Maybe we should offer California the use of our snow to help them get through their water shortage.
Hey, that really is a great idea! We should write a letter to Governor Schwarzenegger and tell him!
Everyone is huddled around Stan’s desk. Dozens of crinkled up papers litter the ground. There seems to have been much consternation in the writing of the letter.
STAN (reading aloud)
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger, Greetings from the 4th grade class in South Park, Colorado. (Looks at Wendy; she is pleased and gives a reassuring nod.) We are writing to you because we may have come up with a solution to help you with California’s water shortage. (Looks at Kyle; he is pleased and gives a reassuring nod.) We hope you will take the time to hear us out, even though we’re only schoolchildren. (Looks at Cartman; he just looks pissed. “What the hell are you looking at me for? I’m with Mr. Garrison on this one. f*ck California. We’re supposed to be having recess right now.”) One of the students in our class, named Kenny McCormick, realized that we have fresh water in the form of snow all over the mountains here. We wanted to offer it to the people of California to help you all get through the tough times you’re facing. (beat) We hope your condition has not left you cold to our pleas of mercy. Sincerely, Mr. Garrison’s 4th Grade Class. (Looks around, everyone is smiling.)
KYLE carries the letter over to MR. GARRISON’s desk, where he finds MR. GARRISON and MR. SLAVE leaning against each other, asleep.
WE’RE DONE, MR. GARRISON!
MR. GARRISON and MR. SLAVE awaken with a fright. MR. SLAVE accidentally punches MR. GARRISON in the face as they both wake up. They both get tangled in a sissy-fight as the kids walk out of the room and go to recess.
EXT. – UNCLE JIMBO’S BACK YARD
The boys, UNCLE JIMBO and NED are unpacking a truck full of fishing equipment. STAN approaches JIMBO. In the background, NED is cleaning and gutting the day’s catches while KYLE, KENNY and CARTMAN watch.
Thanks for taking us fishing with you, Uncle Jimbo.
No problem, Stan. Ned ‘n’ I were going anyway.
Yeah, how come you have so much free time lately? You’ve been going hunting and fishing way more than usual.
Well, Stanley, ever since Wal-Mart left town, we haven’t been able to find work. Can you believe that? A couple of able-bodied, normal Americans like us can’t find a decent job around here! (In the background, Ned picks up the innards of the fish and stuffs it down the front of his pants.)
Besides all those jobs you don’t want to do.
Besides all the jobs I consider myself overqualified for, yes. But can you believe that Ned ‘n’ I have to go fishing or hunting every day just to be able to eat? (He motions over to Ned and sees what he’s doing.) Jesus Christ, Ned, what the hell’re you doing?!?!
I learned this in ‘Nam. It helps with endurance.
Endurance for what? Whacking off? What he hell do you kneed endurance for? You look like a slot machine and sound like a drive-thru. Now pull that crap out of your pants and pull your head out of your ass. You’re in front of children for Christ’s sake.
NED (pulling fish guts from his zipper)
This is one slot machine that always hits the jackpot. assh*le.
Well, don’t you worry, Uncle Jimbo, there’s a great idea on its way to Gov. Schwarzenegger right now. And I bet they’re gonna need tons of workers!
INT. CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR’S OFFICE
Looks just like the scene from the South Park mayor’s office, but on a much larger scale. Hundreds of people pleading with the governor. A huge picture of RICHARD NIXON hangs above Arnie’s desk. The governor is very serious about his job. Almost authoritarian.
People, people, you’re all acting like a bunch of carbon-based, vater-dependent girlie-men. Are you all girlie-men or are you real men? Men like me.
(The Gov. rubs himself up against a woman passing by and gets a little grope in.)
I am doing everything in my power to help you people, but no matter how many veights I lift or ultimate action film I make, or times I call people girlie men, nothing zeems to be vorking. If any of you have any better ideas, I’d like to hear zem.
The room steadily grows quieter. One man ventures an idea.
So… you already lifted weights?
And you obviously made many ultimate action film?
Oh… And you tried calling people girlie-men?
IDIOT (cannot summon an idea)
Just then another governor’s aide runs into the room.
Governor Schwarzenegger, read zhis!
SCHWARZ grabs the letter and begins reading it, unconsciously translating it into German as he reads it aloud. By the end of the letter he’s shrieking in German and the people in the room are hiding behind the furniture.
Lieber Regler Schwarzenegger, Grüße von der 4. Gradkategorie im Südpark, Kolorado. Wir schreiben Ihnen, weil wir mit einer Lösung oben gekommen sein können, Ihnen mit Wasserproblem Kaliforniens zu helfen. Wir hoffen, daß Sie die Zeit dauern, uns heraus zu hören, obwohl wir nur Schulkinder sind. Eins der Zicklein in unserer Kategorie, genannt Kenny McCormick, festgestellt, daß wir Süßwasser in Form von Schnee ganz über den Bergen hier haben. Wir wollten ihn den Leuten von Kalifornien anbieten, um Ihnen allem zu helfen, durch die haltbaren Zeiten zu erhalten, die Sie gegenüberstellen. Wir sind mehr als willend, Ihrem Zustand zu helfen. Wir hoffen, daß Ihr Zustand Ihnen Kälte nicht unsere Vorwände der Gnade überlassen hat. Herzlichst 4. Grad-Kategorie Herr-Garrisons
People hiding behind furniture.
Get me ze Mayor of Zouth Park on ze telephone.
INT – SOUTH PARK MAYOR’S OFFICE
The MAYOR is talking on the phone. The camera is close on her, stressing the importance and intimacy of the call.
Yes… yes… mm-hmm. Kenny McCormick. Yes… No, sir, he’s a Christian. Yes… Yes… Okay, sir. Sounds good to me. Talk to you soon, Gov. Schwarzenegger.
MAYOR hangs up; camera pulls back to reveal a roomful of out-of-workers leaning in to hear the conversation.
You’re going back to work!
Everybody celebrates. At the end of the scene a distinct voice can be heard amongst the falling noise.
I’m definitely keeping this pen.
EXT. – SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET
STAN, KYLE, KENNY and CARTMAN are walking down Main Street making idle conversation. Soon they are shrouded in shadow.
What the hell?
Camera pulls back to reveal a MASSIVE CONCRETE WINDOWLESS SQUARE BLIGHT on the far West side of the screen, blocking out the sun. Half of the town is covered in shadows. On a television in a nearby window case, a reporter is discussing the new building. Stan and the boys approach it and watch.
INT. – TELEVISED SOUTH PARK NEWS
The reporter’s report is complemented by images of the factory at work.
The recently completed South Park Water Factory will field roughly 5,000 new jobs for our waning community, putting many of the city’s previous worker-related tensions at ease.
We’re all really excited to bet getting back to work. Things were really looking bad there for a while, but the government came through for us, and we’re happy to be helping the people of Mexico.
The work will include the driving of bulldozers, the maintenance of the industry’s hundreds of snow-melting vats, the packaging of the water into a wide variety of bottles and the transportation – by cargo plane – of the water from here to Southern California. The work will require some training for the new workers, but the eagerness of these men and women is truly inspirational. They’re willing to do whatever it takes to stay employed.
WORKER (in blue SPWF jumpsuit)
Well, I need work and California needs pot. Hmm? Oh, and water, apparently.
The factory arrived after a deal was struck between California’s Governor Schwarzenegger and South Park’s Mayor McDaniels. It’s been reported that Gov. Schwarzenegger got the idea originally from South Park native Kenny McCormick in a letter from the South Park Elementary 4th Grade Class.
A darling child who’s now quite beloved in California. Governor Schwarzenegger, too, is enjoying wave after wave of appreciation and adoration from the people of California. And the governor appears to be taking it all in with Austrian grace and authoritarian aplomb.
(On screen, Arnie addresses a crowd of supporters from a podium dressed with a swastika-looking drawing of flexing arms. The people are going nuts for him.)
Here in South Park, there has also been a small groundswell of disapproval over the factory’s size and ungainly appearance, but those people are assh*les who don’t want our townspeople to have steady work, hate children and would like to see the Californians die of dehydration. You know… (face grows virulently angry, through clenched teeth)... neocons!
EXT. - SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET
Oh, Jesus. I don’t like where this is going.
INT. – THE MARSH RESIDENCE – DINING ROOM
The MARSH FAMILY is eating together at the dinner table. There’s an obvious tension in the room. Knives and forks scrape the bottoms of plates, breaking the tense silence.
I’m just saying, it’s not the only job in the world he could have taken.
Well, it’s the job he took, and we should be happy for him.
Happy for him!? Yeah, good one, Sharon. If I had to work in that building every day I’d…
Well you don’t. So let him live his life.
I can’t, idiot. That building makes me depressed every time I look at it, and it’s almost impossible not to look at it. I can’t even recognize our own town anymore. It’s awful.
SHARON (obviously miffed)
Idiot, huh? You’re being a real neocon, Randy. Can we just drop it?
RANDY (under his breath)
I’ll drop you.
What was that?
RANDY (to Stan)
I said Stanley, your Uncle Jimbo said he wants to take you and your friends on a tour of the Water Tumor, tomorrow. What do you think about that?
Cool! But why’d you say that you’ll drop mom, dad?
RANDY (looks around uncomfortably)
Well… because sometimes women need to be dropped, Stan. (beat) You’ll understand when you’re older. (points with his one hand toward Sharon and does the *crazy* index-finger temple twirl with the other and does the *crazy* whistle)
SHARON stabs him in the ribs with her fork.
RANDY yelps in pain.
EXT. – SOUTH PARK WATER FACTORY
Stan and his friends are waiting outside the WATER FACTORY. They are surrounded by protestors and media outlets doing stories on the protests and the work the factory is doing. The scene resembles the similar scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. All of a sudden the door creeks open and UNCLE JIMBO emerges, wearing the government-issued blue jumpsuit. He walks SLOWLY up to the gate of the factory, begins falling forward a la Willy Wonka, and falls flat on his face.
JIMBO (opens eyes, begins standing up)
Oh, hello Stanley. Glad to see you could make it. Let me show you around.
Are you alright?
Of course. Now let’s go inside. There’s so much to see and so little time. (beat) Wait, strike that – reverse it.
(There’s something wrong with Uncle Jimbo’s voice. It’s flat – missing the vitality it once had.)
UNCLE JIMBO leads the boys on a tour of the facility. Throughout the tour—in which they see the fields of bulldozers pushing snow into the factory, the large collecting vats bringing the water to a boil, the packaging of the water into bottles and large tubs and the airstrip lined on both sides with row after row of CARGO PLANES. It is glaringly obvious that the workers in the facility are bored out of their minds. A very, very, very bland work environment. One sign hangs on the wall: “The three steps for SPWF success: 1. Gather snow and melt it; 2. Ship it; 3. Shut up” Scattered amongst the human workers are depressed underpants-gnomes, one of whom can be seen hanging himself in the background.
Uncle Jimbo, the people here don’t look very happy.
It’s work, Stanley, and we need it. Happiness doesn’t factor in.
Hey, Kenny, is that your dad?
KYLE points over to MR. MCCORMICK, who is stirring a vat of water. His hat, which normally says “Scotch,” now says “Water.”
(Yeah, he got a job here a few days ago.)
The boys, along with Jimbo, walk over to MR. MCCORMICK, who, too, looks a bit less full of life than he used to.
(Hey dad, how’s work going?)
Can’t complain, Kenny. I mean I’d like to, but it’s a job, and we’re not allowed. How you boys doing?
So what do you think of the factory?
KYLE (obviously lying)
Uh, it’s great, Mr. McCormick. Congratulations.
MR. MCCORMICK stares into space for a few moments.
An awkward moment.
Let’s get outta here, guys. This place sucks.
SKEETER, who works at the factory, overhears Cartman’s opinion angrily chimes in.
It sucks to do an honest day’s work? It sucks to help our fellow Amer’cans? What he hell’s yer problem, little boy?
My problem is that this place is boring and hot and filled with welfare-state losers taking orders from a womanizing Austrian bodybuilder.
Get outta here! Jimbo, take these little bastards to the gate!
You boys had better get going, Stan. Here, I’ll show you to the exit. Your little fat friend might have just gotten me fired.
Good. You should want to be fired from this clusterfucktory.
You don’t know what you’re talking about, Cartman. Just shut up until we get out of here. Sorry about Cartman, Uncle Jimbo.
It’s alright, Stan. It’s hard to argue with someone when they’re right. Especially when they have such a nice set of tits.
That’s right! (beat) Hey!
INT. – CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR’S OFFICE
The office is abuzz with optimism. Strung up along the walls are loads of swastika-looking “strong arms” flags. People are moving around meaningfully, presided over by Herr Governor. An AIDE approaches.
Herr Governor, ze people are being ze vater drink. You have zeir uncoonditional zupport. But zome locals in Zouth Park have begun protesting ein factory. Zey zay it iz ze, how you zay, blight. Ze local workerz remain loyal to the party’s cause, but zere are others…
VE ARE ZE GOVERNMENT! VE VILL DO VHAT VANT TO DO! (SCHWARZ punches a woman in the tits, then collects himself) Zey complain now? Zey vait until ze zecond phase of ze Final Zolution! Zen zey vould complain, if zey cood!
INT. – SOUTH PARK MAYOR’S OFFICE
The MAYOR is on the phone. Her feet are up on her desk. Nobody is around to bother her.
You called, Governor? (waits) Uh… a blue business suit with a white blouse, why? (waits, shudders) That is just gross. Is that why you called me? (waits) You want to meet Kenny McCormick? Okay, I’ll tell his family. Is that all? (waits) Four more factories? I don’t know that we have enough people out of work to fill all those positions. (waits) What do you mean, “vind a vay?” Find a way, or what? (waits) What’s that sound? Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Gross! Good bye!
The MAYOR is about to hang up, but doesn’t. Instead, she looks around to see if anyone can see her.
EXT. – STAN’S FRONT YARD
STAN, KYLE and CARTMAN are throwing the football around. It keeps hitting them in the face because it’s so dark in the shadows of the factory. The ground around them is patchy with gray ugly slush. The level of snow in town has decreased dramatically, yielding a much uglier South Park. KENNY soon rushes up, eager to relay his exciting news.
(Hey guys! My mom just got off the phone with the mayor! She said Gov. Schwarzenegger wants to meet me! She said I was going on a free weekend vacation to California and I get to bring my friends!)
Yeah! Kick ass!
CARTMAN (to himself)
Quick inner-Cartman sequence wherein he’s playing the part of a high-powered Hollywood producer, screaming at people, making lots of money, having lots of influence, making sh*tty movies, yelling at Jews, etc.
(There’s only one problem. None of our parents can leave town on such short notice, so the Mayor is forcing us to go with Mr. Garrison.)
Aw, aw! Mr. Garrison?!
INT. – MR. GARRISON’S LIVING ROOM
MR. GARRISON is just hanging up the phone. A different episode of “Paradise Lost and Found” can be heard in the background.
OH GOD DAMMIT!!!!!
INT. – SOUTH PARK AIRPORT TERMINAL
MR. GARRISON, MR. SLAVE and the FOUR BOYS are waiting for their flight.
Alright, you little bastards. I want to be going on this trip about as much as you want me going on it, so if we can just get through this weekend without killing anyone or each other, I’ll give you fifty bucks.
The boys, who had been looking dour, now look happy and surprised.
Okay, Mr. Garrison. We’ll see your fifty, and raise you to seventy-five.
I’m only a teacher, you know! I don’t get paid dick! (under his breath) Though that wouldn’t be that bad…
I don’t know about you, fellas, but I don’t think anything short of a hundred will keep my demons down.
Fine! But that’s it!
The group flies to and sees Southern California. During their excursion they see such California mainstays as driveways full of smelly Mexican laborers getting picked up for day-to-day freelance work, somebody lighting up a cigarette being beaten to death, the liberal/hippie bowels of America along the Venice Pier, tons of high-powered Jews on cell phones, coke being blown by Paris Hilton while Nicole Ritchie kills a hoagie and then pukes it up into the trash can next to her, and an ass-load of fellow tourists. Schwarzi “Strong Arms” flags can be seen everywhere, as well. Throughout the montage, people are WASTING water. Using it for stupid reasons and generally taking advantage of the good thing they’ve been given by the people of South Park. Everyone grows more and more upset as the weekend goes on – except Kenny, whom many of the people recognize and congratulate and thank and generally treat like a god (particularly hot women). Mr. Garrison runs into the actor who plays Professor Judge, M.D. on “Paradise Lost and Found” and begs him to tell who was the father of Caitlin’s baby. The actor tells him that it turns out Caitlin is a hermaphrodite, and that she is the father of her own baby. Mr. Garrison gets super-pissed. “What a stupid cop-out! What sort of ass-face would write something like that?!” Then it comes time for the meeting between Kenny and the Governor.
INT. – CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR’S SO. CAL. POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS
This office is entirely decked out in Schwarzi paraphernalia. The people in the office regard the governor abjectly and reverentially. A EUROTRASH-LOOKING AIDE stands just behind the governor at all times, ready to do his biddings. The aide is Clay Aiken.
Come in. Come in. (to Kenny) So you are ze boy who came up with ze idea for ze vinal zolution?
The governor looks him up and down, and is pleased.
And zese are your friends?
The governor looks them all up and down. He is not pleased. He takes a particularly long time scrutinizing and scowling at KYLE. MR. GARRISON approaches.
Governor Schwarzenegger, let me just say how much of an honor it is to meet you! I’m such a big fan of your early work!
Conan ze Zo-Called Barbarian?
A little earlier than that. (winks)
Ahh, ein homo. You vill vait outside. You vill bring your zlave with you. AICHEN, zhow zem ze door.
GARRISON attempts to protest but is lead out of the room by CLAY AIKEN (whom the gov. calls AICHEN).
SCHWARZ (to himself, re: Aichen)
Zuch a beautiful young woman. I vill have my vay vith her vun day.
(now to Kenny)
Young Kenny, you are to be ze golden child. Ze ideal youth. Attentive, ze blonde, ze intelligent. You vill stay with me and be a prince among ze girlie-men.
Are you serious?
(Why not, guys? He’s not gonna be governor forever.)
The Governor gives a eurotrash giggle.
(This could be my big break. You think I wanna grow up to work in that water factory? You saw what it does to people! Would you leave this place after the way I’ve been treated here?)
(motioning in warning towards the governor with his eyes) Kenny, I *don’t* think that’s a very *good* idea.
Yeah, Kenny, why don’t you just come home with us?
Ze boy has made up his mind. Aichen, you vill show zem ze door, too. (under his breath) Zen you vill show me your backdoor. (another eurotrash giggle)
AICHEN ushers them out in song, where GARRISON and SLAVE stand waiting.
Okay, f*ck this place, and f*ck Kenny. Let’s go, Mr. Garrison.
Finally! Southern California is like America’s packed little assh*le. I came and I’m gone!
Yeah! This town needs an enema!
INT. – SOUTH PARK AIRPORT
The boys’ plane lands and everyone is ushered out. They walk into the airport terminal to find that there’s nobody there. Not another person in the building. Except an ARMED SENTRY, who sees them and rushes over.
You’re late vor vork!
INT. – SOUTH PARK WATER FACTORY #5
The FOUR BOYS, MR. GARRISON, MR. SLAVE, MAYOR MCDANIELS, STAN’S PARENTS, JIMBO and NED are all decked out in blue jumpsuits, all at work for the SPWF. They each look both surprised and bored. Over the loudspeaker a recording is playing.
You are enjoy helping ze people California. Ze vork you do is mandatory and good.
Everyone is afraid to communicate, afraid to speak too loudly and gather the attention of the guards (and break the third rule). Eventually, MR. GARRISON breaks the silence.
What the handjob happened here, Mayor?
I don’t know. They just kept shipping supplies for new water factories. Eventually they shipped these guards.
Well why the handjob didn’t you tell the governor to stop?
MAYOR (semi-broken hearted)
He won’t even answer my calls anymore, okay? Now do like the sign says and shut up.
A GUARD approaches.
Vhat ze handjob iz going on here?
That’s what I want to know!
The work at the factory comes to a dead stop. Shocked silence. Everyone is staring at MR. GARRISON.
You want to shoot me?? Go ahead! I’d rather be dead than do this bullsh*t work for the goddam people of GODDAM CALIFORNIA! This isn’t real work! Real work is something you want to do! Something you try hard at doing! All you unemployed assh*les who came to work here, and who hated it – you’re all pathetic! Happiness IS part of your job. You should be working TOWARD something! Not just staving off starvation like a bunch of communists!
The guard raises his gun and prepares to fire.
You gotta figure out what you want to do and work toward achieving that goal! If you have to take a bullsh*t job while you try to figure out how to get where you want to be, fine! But accept it as that and do the best you can! Working for the government is NO WAY to be happy! I know, because I’m a government-employed teacher, so I work for them! But I love teaching…. Well, I like teaching, and the elementary school is the only goddam school in this piece of sh*t town! So I get to do what makes me happy, even though my boss sucks! Teaching is where I want to be! Ned, Jimbo – are you telling me THIS is where you want to be?
JIMBO stands up. The guard swings the barrel of his gun in Jimbo’s direction.
JIMBO (thinking, then)
f*ck naw, y’all.
GARRISON (standing near Cartman)
Exactly! Now figure out where you want to be and what you want to do and go there and do it! It doesn’t take a retard to figure that out, and I should know: I teach ‘em! (motions to Cartman)
So that’s it! That’s what I had to say. If you’re going to shoot me, shoot me, but I don’t take orders from Californian waterfuckin’ douchebags!
The guard stands there a moment, cocks the gun one last time, and fires.
A stream of WATER splashes GARRISON in the face. (Possible joke: He instinctively reacts by opening his mouth to the stream.)
Everyone starts laughing.
GARRISON (swallows, then)
If the people of Southern California demand our water, they can HAVE our water! C’mon everybody!
Musical montage set to “Jump (For My Love)” by the Pointer Sisters begins wherein the people of South Park come together, help each other out, and generally act as a wholesome community while they pack each and every plane full of water. People gather together and pass buckets of water down a human chain – stuff like that. The montage fades back into a scene as Cartman stands at the foot of the stairway of a cargo plane.
That town’s gettin’ an enema!
New music starts. “Aenema” by Tool. The planes take off – a massive hornet’s nest. Set straight for Los Angeles.
The planes dump their payload on the city. Water falls onto Mexican day-laborers and when it washes off they’re all wearing suits and have briefcases, jobs and perfect accents. Water falls on the hippies at Venice Pier and they all begin sizzling and melting and their signs are changed from “Kill Bush” to “Wash Bush.” Water falls on Paris Hilton and her makeup washes off to reveal a grotesque alien-looking gargoyle that flies away shooting lasers from its eyes. Water falls on the high-powered Jews and they turn into cute little Gizmos – a reverse-Gremlins effect. Water smashes into unkempt buildings and rips all the Schwarzi paraphernalia off the walls. Governor Schwarzenegger is giving another speech in LA at the time. Water kills his minions (Clay Aiken: “I never learned to swim!”) and washes away his audience. He and Kenny are left alone on stage. Terror fills his eyes. He begins panicking like a huge pussy. He tells Kenny to “Go, run! Get to the choppa! Do it!” Kenny starts laughing at him but is then CRUSHED by a bulldozer falling from above. Says a well-intentioned pilot in the sky: “Whoopsie.”
The camera begins pulling back and the United States of America kind of resembles a living being. The camera pulls back further and it looks like that living being is getting an enema. A mass of ugly brown sh*t washes into the Pacific Ocean from the bowels of LA.
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