My South Park Script

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Aym_Dand
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Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 2:31 am

My South Park Script

Postby Aym_Dand » Sat Dec 16, 2006 6:38 pm

I wrote this script a few years ago and posted it back then, but I was just going through some old files on my computer and found it, and I figured many of you are new here and might not have had the pleasure of reading it. I think it's pretty solid, for being the first script I ever wrote.



SOUTH PARK

“The ænemaniacs”


Written by
Daniel V.D.



INT. – MR. GARRISON’S LIVING ROOM

MR. GARRISON sits on his couch, enraptured by what he’s watching on the TELEVISION. Twinkling harp-like music can be heard off screen. Very cheap music from a bad soap opera.

SOAP OPERA ACTRESS (o.s.)
The child is not yours, Professor! It never was! Neither was the estate, grandmother’s endowments, nor Dinosaur Mountain! All of them, and all of my love, have forever belonged to…

Breaking-news music.

REPORTER (o.s.)
We interrupt this melodramatic piece of sh*t to bring you an urgent report!

GARRISON looks entirely pissed off.

REPORTER
We’ve been reporting over the last few weeks stories about the forest fires that have been ravaging the California countryside. Well, it turns out that the battle against the blazes has finally been won. By nature. Yes, Mother Nature, like all women, is a relentless, all-consuming bitch whose path of destruction never ends no matter how many acres of woodlands she’s burned with her massive, fiery gunt. While Californian forest fire fighters have been dealing with nature’s PMS heroically for the past few weeks, unfortunately the state government water rationing service, doing what government-run systems do best – which is to say, appointing useless liberal douches to ruin everything – announced just this morning that the beloved state of California… is almost completely out of fresh water. If nothing changes soon, the people of California are all going to die of dehydration. (beat) They’ll all be greatly missed by their aunties.

Back to GARRISON’s face, which is now horrified. MR. SLAVE’s head appears from MR. GARRISON’s lap. He, too, is shocked.

MR. SLAVE
Jesuth Christh!

MR. GARRISON
OH MY GOD! (beat) So?! f*ck California! Who’s the father of Caitlin’s baby?

MR. GARRISON looks over at MR. SLAVE.

MR. GARRISON
Did I tell you to stop?


INT. – THE MAYOR’S OFFICE

The office is overrun with TOWNSPEOPLE and the mayor’s deputies filing their complaints. Amongst the rabble can be heard such statements as “… Got no work…”, “Ain’t worked in the past six months!”, “Cain’t find none no work hyuh!” and “May I keep this pen?”

MAYOR MCDANIELS
People, people, please. I know things are tough right now. Thing haven’t been the same since Super Wal-Mart came into town. It’s a sick day for capitalism when successful companies can come to South Park and put our overpriced Ma and Pa Wal-Marts right out of business – but what can I do? I’m just the mayor. You’re lucky you don’t live in California. Those people are facing a life-threatening emergency. Now please leave. All your breathing and body heat is making it slightly warm and uncomfortable in here.

The PROTESTING and YELLING grows even louder and more persistent. A man then gathers everyone’s attention.

OUT OF WORKER
You heard her, fellas. She cain’t do dick for us.

The people begin filing out slowly, until there is only one guy left.

GUY
Um, mayor?

MAYOR (fanning herself)
What?

APPROACHES her with his hand extended.

GUY
I just wanted to say thanks fer all you’ve tried to do fer us.

MAYOR is hesitant at first, but then reaches out and shakes his hand.

MAYOR
Well, thank you, sir. That really means a lot to…

GUY takes her HAND, spins around, FARTS on it and walks out.

MAYOR (to aide)
This is bad.

MAYOR starts fanning herself again and shudders as she realizes she’s wafting the fart into her own face.



INT. – 4TH GRADE CLASSROOM

MR. GARRISON is instructing the class.

GARRISON
Which concludes our lesson on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Does anyone have any questions?

EVERYONE’s hand goes up, except KYLE’s.

GARRISON
Good. Now did any of you children happen to catch the season finale of “Pearl Necklaces” yesterday?

Everybody’s hand goes down except WENDY’s. CARTMAN notices and mutters to himself.

CARTMAN (under breath, to himself)
God. What is it with man-scratchers and crappy TV?

TOKEN (overhears Cartman)
I don’t know. My brother’s a man-scratcher, and he watches that stuff, too.


CARTMAN
I wasn’t talking to you, J-bag.

TOKEN
What’s a “J-bag”?

CARTMAN (eyes closed, sobering his annoyance)
A jazz bag, Token. You are a big bag of jazz. Now quiet, I’m trying to listen.

Back to GARRISON.

GARRISON
Good. Now, Wendy, you didn’t happen to catch who was the father of Caitlin’s lesbian fetus, did you?

WENDY
No, Mr. Garrison. She was about to tell Professor by the Tyrannosaur paddock when the news about California’s water shortage interrupted...

GARRISON
OH GOD DAMMIT! Your programming, too? I f*cking hate California with their stupid water shortage. Big deal; the government screwed everything up again. Is that really news?

BEBE
Now that’s unfair. The government does the best they can. They…

GARRISON
I don’t recall fishin’ in your bitchin’ hole, Bebe.

WENDY
Mr. Garrison, California’s in real trouble. I mean, I like “Pearl Necklaces” and all, but it’ll be on again eventually. Those people in Southern California might die!

TOKEN (cued from Wendy’s concern)
Yeah, Mr. Garrison. We should try to help them.

EVERYONE
Yeah!

GARRISON (sarcastically)
Oh I agree! I agree! Now let’s see… (thinking out loud to himself) what can a 4th grade class full of hilljack retards do to help the assh*les in California? Hmmmmm.

BUTTERS
Um, Mr. Garrison?

GARRISON
Yes, Butters.

BUTTERS (with naïve hope)
Um, why didn’t the, um, people of California use ocean water to put out the fires? They probably have a lot of that.

GARRISON
No, Butters, they have an ass-load of that, but ocean water is salt-water and when you pour salt all over soil it makes it so that nothing will ever grow there again.

BUTTERS (hope defeated)
Oh… So does that mean somebody poured salt-water all over your, um head, Mr. Garrison?

Laughter.

GARRISON
No, Butters. Now let me see if I can scientifically explain what happened to my hair… Um, oh I got it: Go f*ck yourself.

BUTTERS
Oh, okay…

CARTMAN
They should send in a Ginercologist (soft G). My mom said her forest was on fire once and the Ginercologist cleared it all up.

GARRISON chuckles.

CARTMAN
What?!

KENNY leans over and whispers to KYLE.

KYLE
Hey, that might just work! Good idea, Kenny!

STAN
What? What is it?

GARRISON
Oh, does the Zionist have something to add?

KYLE
Kenny just said…

GARRISON
Don’t let me interrupt your global takeover plan, L’Chyle. (emphasis on phlegmy Hebrew pronunciation)

KYLE (ignoring Mr. Garrison)
Kenny just said that when his parents couldn’t afford the water bill last year they just went outside and melted down some snow. He said that they lasted three whole months like that because the snow kept piling up.

GARRISON
So?

KYLE
So there’s snow all over the Rocky Mountains! And it’s constantly being renewed because of the high altitude. Maybe we should offer California the use of our snow to help them get through their water shortage.

WENDY
Hey, that really is a great idea! We should write a letter to Governor Schwarzenegger and tell him!

EVERYONE
Yeah!


Time elapses.

Everyone is huddled around Stan’s desk. Dozens of crinkled up papers litter the ground. There seems to have been much consternation in the writing of the letter.

STAN (reading aloud)
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger, Greetings from the 4th grade class in South Park, Colorado. (Looks at Wendy; she is pleased and gives a reassuring nod.) We are writing to you because we may have come up with a solution to help you with California’s water shortage. (Looks at Kyle; he is pleased and gives a reassuring nod.) We hope you will take the time to hear us out, even though we’re only schoolchildren. (Looks at Cartman; he just looks pissed. “What the hell are you looking at me for? I’m with Mr. Garrison on this one. f*ck California. We’re supposed to be having recess right now.”) One of the students in our class, named Kenny McCormick, realized that we have fresh water in the form of snow all over the mountains here. We wanted to offer it to the people of California to help you all get through the tough times you’re facing. (beat) We hope your condition has not left you cold to our pleas of mercy. Sincerely, Mr. Garrison’s 4th Grade Class. (Looks around, everyone is smiling.)

KYLE carries the letter over to MR. GARRISON’s desk, where he finds MR. GARRISON and MR. SLAVE leaning against each other, asleep.

KYLE (shouting)
WE’RE DONE, MR. GARRISON!

MR. GARRISON and MR. SLAVE awaken with a fright. MR. SLAVE accidentally punches MR. GARRISON in the face as they both wake up. They both get tangled in a sissy-fight as the kids walk out of the room and go to recess.


EXT. – UNCLE JIMBO’S BACK YARD

The boys, UNCLE JIMBO and NED are unpacking a truck full of fishing equipment. STAN approaches JIMBO. In the background, NED is cleaning and gutting the day’s catches while KYLE, KENNY and CARTMAN watch.

STAN
Thanks for taking us fishing with you, Uncle Jimbo.

JIMBO
No problem, Stan. Ned ‘n’ I were going anyway.

STAN
Yeah, how come you have so much free time lately? You’ve been going hunting and fishing way more than usual.

JIMBO
Well, Stanley, ever since Wal-Mart left town, we haven’t been able to find work. Can you believe that? A couple of able-bodied, normal Americans like us can’t find a decent job around here! (In the background, Ned picks up the innards of the fish and stuffs it down the front of his pants.)

STAN
Besides all those jobs you don’t want to do.

JIMBO
Besides all the jobs I consider myself overqualified for, yes. But can you believe that Ned ‘n’ I have to go fishing or hunting every day just to be able to eat? (He motions over to Ned and sees what he’s doing.) Jesus Christ, Ned, what the hell’re you doing?!?!

NED
I learned this in ‘Nam. It helps with endurance.

JIMBO
Endurance for what? Whacking off? What he hell do you kneed endurance for? You look like a slot machine and sound like a drive-thru. Now pull that crap out of your pants and pull your head out of your ass. You’re in front of children for Christ’s sake.

NED (pulling fish guts from his zipper)
This is one slot machine that always hits the jackpot. assh*le.

STAN
Well, don’t you worry, Uncle Jimbo, there’s a great idea on its way to Gov. Schwarzenegger right now. And I bet they’re gonna need tons of workers!


INT. CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR’S OFFICE

Looks just like the scene from the South Park mayor’s office, but on a much larger scale. Hundreds of people pleading with the governor. A huge picture of RICHARD NIXON hangs above Arnie’s desk. The governor is very serious about his job. Almost authoritarian.

SCHWARZ
People, people, you’re all acting like a bunch of carbon-based, vater-dependent girlie-men. Are you all girlie-men or are you real men? Men like me.

(The Gov. rubs himself up against a woman passing by and gets a little grope in.)

I am doing everything in my power to help you people, but no matter how many veights I lift or ultimate action film I make, or times I call people girlie men, nothing zeems to be vorking. If any of you have any better ideas, I’d like to hear zem.

The room steadily grows quieter. One man ventures an idea.

IDIOT AIDE
So… you already lifted weights?

SCHWARZ
Yez.

IDIOT
And you obviously made many ultimate action film?

SCHWARZ
Obviouzly.

IDIOT
Oh… And you tried calling people girlie-men?

SCHWARZ
Yez.

IDIOT (cannot summon an idea)
Ah… mm…

Just then another governor’s aide runs into the room.

AIDE
Governor Schwarzenegger, read zhis!

SCHWARZ grabs the letter and begins reading it, unconsciously translating it into German as he reads it aloud. By the end of the letter he’s shrieking in German and the people in the room are hiding behind the furniture.

SCHWARZ
Lieber Regler Schwarzenegger, Grüße von der 4. Gradkategorie im Südpark, Kolorado. Wir schreiben Ihnen, weil wir mit einer Lösung oben gekommen sein können, Ihnen mit Wasserproblem Kaliforniens zu helfen. Wir hoffen, daß Sie die Zeit dauern, uns heraus zu hören, obwohl wir nur Schulkinder sind. Eins der Zicklein in unserer Kategorie, genannt Kenny McCormick, festgestellt, daß wir Süßwasser in Form von Schnee ganz über den Bergen hier haben. Wir wollten ihn den Leuten von Kalifornien anbieten, um Ihnen allem zu helfen, durch die haltbaren Zeiten zu erhalten, die Sie gegenüberstellen. Wir sind mehr als willend, Ihrem Zustand zu helfen. Wir hoffen, daß Ihr Zustand Ihnen Kälte nicht unsere Vorwände der Gnade überlassen hat. Herzlichst 4. Grad-Kategorie Herr-Garrisons

People hiding behind furniture.

SCHWARZ
Get me ze Mayor of Zouth Park on ze telephone.


INT – SOUTH PARK MAYOR’S OFFICE

The MAYOR is talking on the phone. The camera is close on her, stressing the importance and intimacy of the call.

MAYOR
Yes… yes… mm-hmm. Kenny McCormick. Yes… No, sir, he’s a Christian. Yes… Yes… Okay, sir. Sounds good to me. Talk to you soon, Gov. Schwarzenegger.

MAYOR hangs up; camera pulls back to reveal a roomful of out-of-workers leaning in to hear the conversation.

MAYOR
You’re going back to work!

Everybody celebrates. At the end of the scene a distinct voice can be heard amongst the falling noise.

GUY
I’m definitely keeping this pen.


EXT. – SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET

STAN, KYLE, KENNY and CARTMAN are walking down Main Street making idle conversation. Soon they are shrouded in shadow.

CARTMAN
What the hell?

Camera pulls back to reveal a MASSIVE CONCRETE WINDOWLESS SQUARE BLIGHT on the far West side of the screen, blocking out the sun. Half of the town is covered in shadows. On a television in a nearby window case, a reporter is discussing the new building. Stan and the boys approach it and watch.


INT. – TELEVISED SOUTH PARK NEWS

The reporter’s report is complemented by images of the factory at work.

REPORTER
The recently completed South Park Water Factory will field roughly 5,000 new jobs for our waning community, putting many of the city’s previous worker-related tensions at ease.

JIMBO
We’re all really excited to bet getting back to work. Things were really looking bad there for a while, but the government came through for us, and we’re happy to be helping the people of Mexico.

REPORTER
The work will include the driving of bulldozers, the maintenance of the industry’s hundreds of snow-melting vats, the packaging of the water into a wide variety of bottles and the transportation – by cargo plane – of the water from here to Southern California. The work will require some training for the new workers, but the eagerness of these men and women is truly inspirational. They’re willing to do whatever it takes to stay employed.

WORKER (in blue SPWF jumpsuit)
Well, I need work and California needs pot. Hmm? Oh, and water, apparently.

REPORTER
The factory arrived after a deal was struck between California’s Governor Schwarzenegger and South Park’s Mayor McDaniels. It’s been reported that Gov. Schwarzenegger got the idea originally from South Park native Kenny McCormick in a letter from the South Park Elementary 4th Grade Class.

KENNY
(unintelligible)

REPORTER
A darling child who’s now quite beloved in California. Governor Schwarzenegger, too, is enjoying wave after wave of appreciation and adoration from the people of California. And the governor appears to be taking it all in with Austrian grace and authoritarian aplomb.

(On screen, Arnie addresses a crowd of supporters from a podium dressed with a swastika-looking drawing of flexing arms. The people are going nuts for him.)

Here in South Park, there has also been a small groundswell of disapproval over the factory’s size and ungainly appearance, but those people are assh*les who don’t want our townspeople to have steady work, hate children and would like to see the Californians die of dehydration. You know… (face grows virulently angry, through clenched teeth)... neocons!


EXT. - SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET

STAN
Oh, Jesus. I don’t like where this is going.

KYLE
No way.


INT. – THE MARSH RESIDENCE – DINING ROOM

The MARSH FAMILY is eating together at the dinner table. There’s an obvious tension in the room. Knives and forks scrape the bottoms of plates, breaking the tense silence.

RANDY
I’m just saying, it’s not the only job in the world he could have taken.

SHARON
Well, it’s the job he took, and we should be happy for him.

RANDY
Happy for him!? Yeah, good one, Sharon. If I had to work in that building every day I’d…

SHARON
Well you don’t. So let him live his life.

RANDY
I can’t, idiot. That building makes me depressed every time I look at it, and it’s almost impossible not to look at it. I can’t even recognize our own town anymore. It’s awful.

SHARON (obviously miffed)
Idiot, huh? You’re being a real neocon, Randy. Can we just drop it?

RANDY (under his breath)
I’ll drop you.

SHARON
What was that?

RANDY (to Stan)
I said Stanley, your Uncle Jimbo said he wants to take you and your friends on a tour of the Water Tumor, tomorrow. What do you think about that?

STAN
Cool! But why’d you say that you’ll drop mom, dad?

RANDY (looks around uncomfortably)
Well… because sometimes women need to be dropped, Stan. (beat) You’ll understand when you’re older. (points with his one hand toward Sharon and does the *crazy* index-finger temple twirl with the other and does the *crazy* whistle)

SHARON stabs him in the ribs with her fork.

RANDY yelps in pain.

SHELLY laughs.


EXT. – SOUTH PARK WATER FACTORY

Stan and his friends are waiting outside the WATER FACTORY. They are surrounded by protestors and media outlets doing stories on the protests and the work the factory is doing. The scene resembles the similar scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. All of a sudden the door creeks open and UNCLE JIMBO emerges, wearing the government-issued blue jumpsuit. He walks SLOWLY up to the gate of the factory, begins falling forward a la Willy Wonka, and falls flat on his face.

STAN
Uncle Jimbo!

JIMBO (opens eyes, begins standing up)
Oh, hello Stanley. Glad to see you could make it. Let me show you around.

STAN
Are you alright?

JIMBO
Of course. Now let’s go inside. There’s so much to see and so little time. (beat) Wait, strike that – reverse it.

(There’s something wrong with Uncle Jimbo’s voice. It’s flat – missing the vitality it once had.)

UNCLE JIMBO leads the boys on a tour of the facility. Throughout the tour—in which they see the fields of bulldozers pushing snow into the factory, the large collecting vats bringing the water to a boil, the packaging of the water into bottles and large tubs and the airstrip lined on both sides with row after row of CARGO PLANES. It is glaringly obvious that the workers in the facility are bored out of their minds. A very, very, very bland work environment. One sign hangs on the wall: “The three steps for SPWF success: 1. Gather snow and melt it; 2. Ship it; 3. Shut up” Scattered amongst the human workers are depressed underpants-gnomes, one of whom can be seen hanging himself in the background.

STAN
Uncle Jimbo, the people here don’t look very happy.

JIMBO
It’s work, Stanley, and we need it. Happiness doesn’t factor in.

STAN
Oh.

KYLE
Hey, Kenny, is that your dad?

KYLE points over to MR. MCCORMICK, who is stirring a vat of water. His hat, which normally says “Scotch,” now says “Water.”

KENNY
(Yeah, he got a job here a few days ago.)

The boys, along with Jimbo, walk over to MR. MCCORMICK, who, too, looks a bit less full of life than he used to.

KENNY
(Hey dad, how’s work going?)

MR. MCCORMICK
Can’t complain, Kenny. I mean I’d like to, but it’s a job, and we’re not allowed. How you boys doing?

KENNY
(We’re okay.)

MR. MCCORMICK
So what do you think of the factory?

KYLE (obviously lying)
Uh, it’s great, Mr. McCormick. Congratulations.

MR. MCCORMICK stares into space for a few moments.

MR. MCCORMICK
Yeah. Thanks.

An awkward moment.

CARTMAN
Let’s get outta here, guys. This place sucks.

SKEETER, who works at the factory, overhears Cartman’s opinion angrily chimes in.

SKEETER
It sucks to do an honest day’s work? It sucks to help our fellow Amer’cans? What he hell’s yer problem, little boy?

CARTMAN
My problem is that this place is boring and hot and filled with welfare-state losers taking orders from a womanizing Austrian bodybuilder.

WORKER
Get outta here! Jimbo, take these little bastards to the gate!

JIMBO
You boys had better get going, Stan. Here, I’ll show you to the exit. Your little fat friend might have just gotten me fired.

CARTMAN
Good. You should want to be fired from this clusterfucktory.

STAN
You don’t know what you’re talking about, Cartman. Just shut up until we get out of here. Sorry about Cartman, Uncle Jimbo.

JIMBO
It’s alright, Stan. It’s hard to argue with someone when they’re right. Especially when they have such a nice set of tits.

CARTMAN
That’s right! (beat) Hey!


INT. – CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR’S OFFICE

The office is abuzz with optimism. Strung up along the walls are loads of swastika-looking “strong arms” flags. People are moving around meaningfully, presided over by Herr Governor. An AIDE approaches.

AIDE
Herr Governor, ze people are being ze vater drink. You have zeir uncoonditional zupport. But zome locals in Zouth Park have begun protesting ein factory. Zey zay it iz ze, how you zay, blight. Ze local workerz remain loyal to the party’s cause, but zere are others…

SCHWARZ (outraged)
VE ARE ZE GOVERNMENT! VE VILL DO VHAT VANT TO DO! (SCHWARZ punches a woman in the tits, then collects himself) Zey complain now? Zey vait until ze zecond phase of ze Final Zolution! Zen zey vould complain, if zey cood!


INT. – SOUTH PARK MAYOR’S OFFICE

The MAYOR is on the phone. Her feet are up on her desk. Nobody is around to bother her.

MAYOR
You called, Governor? (waits) Uh… a blue business suit with a white blouse, why? (waits, shudders) That is just gross. Is that why you called me? (waits) You want to meet Kenny McCormick? Okay, I’ll tell his family. Is that all? (waits) Four more factories? I don’t know that we have enough people out of work to fill all those positions. (waits) What do you mean, “vind a vay?” Find a way, or what? (waits) What’s that sound? Are you doing what I think you’re doing? Gross! Good bye!

The MAYOR is about to hang up, but doesn’t. Instead, she looks around to see if anyone can see her.

MAYOR (seductively)
Go on.

EXT. – STAN’S FRONT YARD

STAN, KYLE and CARTMAN are throwing the football around. It keeps hitting them in the face because it’s so dark in the shadows of the factory. The ground around them is patchy with gray ugly slush. The level of snow in town has decreased dramatically, yielding a much uglier South Park. KENNY soon rushes up, eager to relay his exciting news.

KENNY
(Hey guys! My mom just got off the phone with the mayor! She said Gov. Schwarzenegger wants to meet me! She said I was going on a free weekend vacation to California and I get to bring my friends!)

KYLE
Sweet!

STAN
Yeah! Kick ass!

CARTMAN (to himself)
California…

Quick inner-Cartman sequence wherein he’s playing the part of a high-powered Hollywood producer, screaming at people, making lots of money, having lots of influence, making sh*tty movies, yelling at Jews, etc.

CARTMAN
Sweet…

KENNY
(There’s only one problem. None of our parents can leave town on such short notice, so the Mayor is forcing us to go with Mr. Garrison.)

STAN
Aw, aw! Mr. Garrison?!


INT. – MR. GARRISON’S LIVING ROOM

MR. GARRISON is just hanging up the phone. A different episode of “Paradise Lost and Found” can be heard in the background.

GARRISON
OH GOD DAMMIT!!!!!


INT. – SOUTH PARK AIRPORT TERMINAL

MR. GARRISON, MR. SLAVE and the FOUR BOYS are waiting for their flight.

GARRISON
Alright, you little bastards. I want to be going on this trip about as much as you want me going on it, so if we can just get through this weekend without killing anyone or each other, I’ll give you fifty bucks.

The boys, who had been looking dour, now look happy and surprised.

KYLE
Okay, Mr. Garrison. We’ll see your fifty, and raise you to seventy-five.

GARRISON (angered)
I’m only a teacher, you know! I don’t get paid dick! (under his breath) Though that wouldn’t be that bad…

CARTMAN
I don’t know about you, fellas, but I don’t think anything short of a hundred will keep my demons down.

GARRISON
Fine! But that’s it!

ALL (smiling)
Okay.


The group flies to and sees Southern California. During their excursion they see such California mainstays as driveways full of smelly Mexican laborers getting picked up for day-to-day freelance work, somebody lighting up a cigarette being beaten to death, the liberal/hippie bowels of America along the Venice Pier, tons of high-powered Jews on cell phones, coke being blown by Paris Hilton while Nicole Ritchie kills a hoagie and then pukes it up into the trash can next to her, and an ass-load of fellow tourists. Schwarzi “Strong Arms” flags can be seen everywhere, as well. Throughout the montage, people are WASTING water. Using it for stupid reasons and generally taking advantage of the good thing they’ve been given by the people of South Park. Everyone grows more and more upset as the weekend goes on – except Kenny, whom many of the people recognize and congratulate and thank and generally treat like a god (particularly hot women). Mr. Garrison runs into the actor who plays Professor Judge, M.D. on “Paradise Lost and Found” and begs him to tell who was the father of Caitlin’s baby. The actor tells him that it turns out Caitlin is a hermaphrodite, and that she is the father of her own baby. Mr. Garrison gets super-pissed. “What a stupid cop-out! What sort of ass-face would write something like that?!” Then it comes time for the meeting between Kenny and the Governor.

INT. – CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR’S SO. CAL. POLITICAL HEADQUARTERS

This office is entirely decked out in Schwarzi paraphernalia. The people in the office regard the governor abjectly and reverentially. A EUROTRASH-LOOKING AIDE stands just behind the governor at all times, ready to do his biddings. The aide is Clay Aiken.

SCHWARZ
Come in. Come in. (to Kenny) So you are ze boy who came up with ze idea for ze vinal zolution?

KENNY
(Uh huh.)

The governor looks him up and down, and is pleased.

SCHWARZ
And zese are your friends?

KENNY
(Uh huh.)

The governor looks them all up and down. He is not pleased. He takes a particularly long time scrutinizing and scowling at KYLE. MR. GARRISON approaches.

GARRISON
Governor Schwarzenegger, let me just say how much of an honor it is to meet you! I’m such a big fan of your early work!

SCHWARZ
Conan ze Zo-Called Barbarian?

GARRISON
A little earlier than that. (winks)

SCHWARZ
Ahh, ein homo. You vill vait outside. You vill bring your zlave with you. AICHEN, zhow zem ze door.

GARRISON attempts to protest but is lead out of the room by CLAY AIKEN (whom the gov. calls AICHEN).

SCHWARZ (to himself, re: Aichen)
Zuch a beautiful young woman. I vill have my vay vith her vun day.
(now to Kenny)

Young Kenny, you are to be ze golden child. Ze ideal youth. Attentive, ze blonde, ze intelligent. You vill stay with me and be a prince among ze girlie-men.

KENNY
(Okay!)

STAN
Kenny!

KYLE
Are you serious?

KENNY
(Why not, guys? He’s not gonna be governor forever.)

The Governor gives a eurotrash giggle.

KENNY
(This could be my big break. You think I wanna grow up to work in that water factory? You saw what it does to people! Would you leave this place after the way I’ve been treated here?)

KYLE
(motioning in warning towards the governor with his eyes) Kenny, I *don’t* think that’s a very *good* idea.

STAN
Yeah, Kenny, why don’t you just come home with us?

SCHWARZ
Ze boy has made up his mind. Aichen, you vill show zem ze door, too. (under his breath) Zen you vill show me your backdoor. (another eurotrash giggle)

AICHEN ushers them out in song, where GARRISON and SLAVE stand waiting.

STAN
Okay, f*ck this place, and f*ck Kenny. Let’s go, Mr. Garrison.

GARRISON
Finally! Southern California is like America’s packed little assh*le. I came and I’m gone!

CARTMAN
Yeah! This town needs an enema!


INT. – SOUTH PARK AIRPORT

The boys’ plane lands and everyone is ushered out. They walk into the airport terminal to find that there’s nobody there. Not another person in the building. Except an ARMED SENTRY, who sees them and rushes over.

SENTRY
You’re late vor vork!


INT. – SOUTH PARK WATER FACTORY #5

The FOUR BOYS, MR. GARRISON, MR. SLAVE, MAYOR MCDANIELS, STAN’S PARENTS, JIMBO and NED are all decked out in blue jumpsuits, all at work for the SPWF. They each look both surprised and bored. Over the loudspeaker a recording is playing.

RECORDING
You are enjoy helping ze people California. Ze vork you do is mandatory and good.

Everyone is afraid to communicate, afraid to speak too loudly and gather the attention of the guards (and break the third rule). Eventually, MR. GARRISON breaks the silence.

GARRISON (whispering)
What the handjob happened here, Mayor?

MAYOR (whispering)
I don’t know. They just kept shipping supplies for new water factories. Eventually they shipped these guards.

GARRISON
Well why the handjob didn’t you tell the governor to stop?

MAYOR (semi-broken hearted)
He won’t even answer my calls anymore, okay? Now do like the sign says and shut up.

A GUARD approaches.

GUARD
Vhat ze handjob iz going on here?
________________________________________________________
I probably would have just put the f*cking lotion in the basket.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nSD-Tk0Z3zI

http://www.gonefiction.com
Aym_Dand
Posts: 2236
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 2:31 am

Postby Aym_Dand » Sat Dec 16, 2006 6:56 pm

Sorry about that, guys. I'm not sure what went wrong. Here's the end.









GARRISON (loud):
That’s what I want to know!

The work at the factory comes to a dead stop. Shocked silence. Everyone is staring at MR. GARRISON.

GARRISON
You want to shoot me?? Go ahead! I’d rather be dead than do this bullsh*t work for the goddam people of GODDAM CALIFORNIA! This isn’t real work! Real work is something you want to do! Something you try hard at doing! All you unemployed assh*les who came to work here, and who hated it – you’re all pathetic! Happiness IS part of your job. You should be working TOWARD something! Not just staving off starvation like a bunch of communists!

The guard raises his gun and prepares to fire.

GARRISON
You gotta figure out what you want to do and work toward achieving that goal! If you have to take a bullsh*t job while you try to figure out how to get where you want to be, fine! But accept it as that and do the best you can! Working for the government is NO WAY to be happy! I know, because I’m a government-employed teacher, so I work for them! But I love teaching…. Well, I like teaching, and the elementary school is the only goddam school in this piece of sh*t town! So I get to do what makes me happy, even though my boss sucks! Teaching is where I want to be! Ned, Jimbo – are you telling me THIS is where you want to be?

JIMBO stands up. The guard swings the barrel of his gun in Jimbo’s direction.

JIMBO (thinking, then)
f*ck naw, y’all.

GARRISON (standing near Cartman)
Exactly! Now figure out where you want to be and what you want to do and go there and do it! It doesn’t take a retard to figure that out, and I should know: I teach ‘em! (motions to Cartman)

CARTMAN
HEY!

GARRISON
So that’s it! That’s what I had to say. If you’re going to shoot me, shoot me, but I don’t take orders from Californian waterfuckin’ douchebags!

The guard stands there a moment, cocks the gun one last time, and fires.

A stream of WATER splashes GARRISON in the face. (Possible joke: He instinctively reacts by opening his mouth to the stream.)

Everyone starts laughing.

GARRISON (swallows, then)
If the people of Southern California demand our water, they can HAVE our water! C’mon everybody!

Musical montage set to “Jump (For My Love)” by the Pointer Sisters begins wherein the people of South Park come together, help each other out, and generally act as a wholesome community while they pack each and every plane full of water. People gather together and pass buckets of water down a human chain – stuff like that. The montage fades back into a scene as Cartman stands at the foot of the stairway of a cargo plane.

CARTMAN
That town’s gettin’ an enema!

New music starts. “Aenema” by Tool. The planes take off – a massive hornet’s nest. Set straight for Los Angeles.

The planes dump their payload on the city. Water falls onto Mexican day-laborers and when it washes off they’re all wearing suits and have briefcases, jobs and perfect accents. Water falls on the hippies at Venice Pier and they all begin sizzling and melting and their signs are changed from “Kill Bush” to “Wash Bush.” Water falls on Paris Hilton and her makeup washes off to reveal a grotesque alien-looking gargoyle that flies away shooting lasers from its eyes. Water falls on the high-powered Jews and they turn into cute little Gizmos – a reverse-Gremlins effect. Water smashes into unkempt buildings and rips all the Schwarzi paraphernalia off the walls. Governor Schwarzenegger is giving another speech in LA at the time. Water kills his minions (Clay Aiken: “I never learned to swim!”) and washes away his audience. He and Kenny are left alone on stage. Terror fills his eyes. He begins panicking like a huge pussy. He tells Kenny to “Go, run! Get to the choppa! Do it!” Kenny starts laughing at him but is then CRUSHED by a bulldozer falling from above. Says a well-intentioned pilot in the sky: “Whoopsie.”

The camera begins pulling back and the United States of America kind of resembles a living being. The camera pulls back further and it looks like that living being is getting an enema. A mass of ugly brown sh*t washes into the Pacific Ocean from the bowels of LA.


The End
Last edited by Aym_Dand on Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
________________________________________________________
I probably would have just put the f*cking lotion in the basket.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nSD-Tk0Z3zI

http://www.gonefiction.com
ré!
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Sep 12, 2006 9:04 am

Postby ré! » Wed Dec 20, 2006 4:29 pm

That was an awesome, AWESOME read! Would make a great episode! :D
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