Deep Shock

Put your fan fiction here, and keep it nice.

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polymorph
Posts: 1007
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:57 pm

Deep Shock

Postby polymorph » Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:25 am

...............................
Last edited by polymorph on Sun Nov 25, 2007 2:06 am, edited 3 times in total.
Image
Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers
Aimsireil
Posts: 243
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2007 1:07 pm

Postby Aimsireil » Wed Feb 28, 2007 9:42 am

Yaaay. It's been too long since a war fic came out.

First of all, I would recommend checking for spelling and grammar, as I spotted a lot of problems with that, including the way you spelled "Stewart" and even sentences that just stopped before they were over.

And this fic ended too quickly, without answering some questions: Why the hell were there mutants? Why couldn't this base defend against one ship?

Anyways, good job, I got hooked on the story, although I would have liked for there to have been more.
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ShaneHaughey
Posts: 11192
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 8:36 pm

Postby ShaneHaughey » Wed Feb 28, 2007 7:40 pm

The dialogue was pretty...poor. It was also much too short and had many spelling and grammar mistakes.

3.5/10, which is my average for a South Park fic.:P
That's how it's down here on the farm!
Kyle the Skeptic
Posts: 2226
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:06 pm

Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Wed Feb 28, 2007 9:26 pm

Wait, wait... That's it? I think that was way too short to do justice to the subject material, and you didn't provide sufficient explanations or any kind of backstory. I also caught a few glaring spelling errors, which you should probably go back and fix. This reads like an unfinished story, to be honest.
polymorph
Posts: 1007
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:57 pm

Postby polymorph » Wed Feb 28, 2007 11:43 pm

I did this really rushed and as for the back story I said that if people want it to continue I'll make it continue and I have a huge back story in my head.
Image
Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers
Aimsireil
Posts: 243
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2007 1:07 pm

Postby Aimsireil » Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:22 am

Well, go for it! That tasted like a preview to me. And everybody knows that for previews, there's going to be a larger feature...

:tp:
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