Kenny's Curse - First Fic

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Kyle the Skeptic
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Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:06 pm

Kenny's Curse - First Fic

Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:30 am

This was my first ever SP fic, which I posted last May, but got wiped out in the recent topic purge. I've since gone back and edited out all the grammar errors, so that I'd have an excuse to put it up again.

Summary: Kenny becomes acutely aware of the fact that has died and come back to life numerous times, and goes to desperate measures to rid himself of his "curse" once and for all. His friends meanwhile note his sudden change in personality.

~~~~~~~~

PART 1 - The Discovery

[Open to South Park Elementary School. The bell rings and the 4th grade class is already seated.]

Ms. Garrison: Okay kids settle down, I’ve got an announcement. Now, due to the recent release of The Da Vinci Code movie, there’s been a lot of interest in symbols and iconography lately.

Cartman: Boooring…

Ms. Garrison: [ignoring him] So I thought we’d spend a little time today talking about different religious symbols and what they mean. Clyde, could you hit the lights?

[Clyde gets up and flips off the light switch. Ms. Garrison pulls down the projector screen and begins sorting through some transparency sheets. Kenny is slumped over his desk with his head cradled in his hands, his eyes drooping slightly.]

Kyle: [whispering] Dude, are you feeling okay?

Kenny: (Yeah I’m fine.)

Stan: [whispering] Kenny told me he hasn’t been sleeping well lately.

[Ms. Garrison puts the first transparency in place. It depicts a six-pointed star, along with a couple of equilateral triangles.]

Ms. Garrison: Okay, so who can tell me what this is?

Kyle: [with hand raised] The Star of David!

Ms. Garrison: Good, Kyle. Yes, this is the Star of David. Notice how it is made up of two triangles. This triangle pointing up is a simple phallus, representing of course the erect penis. While this triangle pointing down represents the womb, or female genitalia. Put the two together and you’ve got a male / female union.

Kyle: Wait—what??

Ms. Garrison: So the Star of David is pretty easy to remember. The next time you see it, just think of a man and a woman having sex.

Cartman: [pointing at Kyle] Heh heh, heh…

Kyle: Oh grow up, Cartman!

[Ms. Garrison changes the transparencies. The next one depicts the vesica pisces, one facing sideways and the other facing upwards.]

Ms. Garrison: Now, who can tell me what this is?

Stan: Hey, that looks like those Jesus fishes some people have on their cars.

Ms. Garrison: That’s right, Stan. This symbol is called the Vesica Pisces, and it was a symbol Christianity adapted to represent Jesus.

Wendy: Oh I get it, like the whole “fisher of men” thing.

Ms. Garrison: Originally it was drawn this way, facing upwards. Earlier religions used it to represent the goddess, specifically the outline of her vagina. You see, it was originally a fertility symbol…

Wendy: Eww gross.

Ms. Garrison: …Therefore it was no coincidence that fish were often associated with fertility among primitive cultures.

Cartman: I will never eat fish sticks again.

Kyle: Yeah right.

[Kenny looks as though he is falling asleep, and constantly having to force himself to stay awake. Ms. Garrison switches to another transparency, this one depicting an Egyptian ankh. Suddenly Kenny perks up and rubs his eyes, staring wide-eyed at the image.]

Ms. Garrison: So who knows that this one is called? Anybody?

Butters: Hey, they had those in Egypt!

Ms. Garrison: Yes Butters, this is an Egyptian Ankh. Again we have a union between male [points to the cross] and female [points to the loop]. The Egyptians used it as an emblem of life, death, and rebirth.

[Kenny continues to stare at the picture, seemingly mesmerized.]

Stan: Hey Kenny, is something up?

Kenny: [distant] (Um, no—nothing at all.)

Cartman: Oh you know, this kind of material is right up Kenny’s alley.

[Ms. Garrison switches to one last transparency, this one showing a crucified Jesus.]

Ms. Garrison: Here, of course, we have Christianity’s favorite symbol, which as you can probably tell is a homoerotic sadomasochistic fantasy…

[Stan and Kyle exchange wary glances while Ms. Garrison is talking, as their attention slowly and deliberately drifts away from the lecture.]

[Later that night at Kenny’s house—Kenny is sleeping in his parka, tossing and turning in bed. In his dreams he sees a police car approaching fast. Then he hears a whizzing bullet and feels himself flying through the air, landing on something sharp. The next thing he sees is Ned dropping his gun, which misfires as it lands. Afterwards he finds himself on a football field being rushed by the entire Middle Park Cowboys team. Finally he finds himself locked in a confined space, and suddenly starts to feel very hot.]

[Kenny wakes up with a start, sweating profusely.]

Kenny: (AAAHHH!)

[Kenny glances around nervously. After a few moments, he tries to fall asleep again. He shifts several times on his worn out creaky mattress, but to no avail. He gets up, rubs his eyes, and heads over to his closet.]

Kenny: (I’ve got to get back to sleep somehow. I need a distraction.)

[Kenny drags out a shoebox with his collection of porno magazines. He begins frantically flipping through them, though he is still quite agitated.]

Kenny: (God damnit.) [Packs the magazines back in and shoves the box back into his closet] (Hey, I’ve never noticed this before!)

[Kenny finds an older looking black shoebox hidden in the far corner of his closet. He takes it out and starts riffling through its contents. Inside the box are dozens of death certificates from Hell’s Pass Hospital, all with the name “Kenneth McCormick” printed on them. Each lists a different cause, and has a different date.]

Kenny: (What the hell? That can’t be!)

[Kenny drops the documents in shock, breathing heavily. He steps back and starts patting himself over as though checking for injury. He then puts his right hand over his heart, which is indeed racing.]

Kenny: (Holy sh*t!)

[The next morning—Stan is waiting outside Kyle’s house. Kyle answers the door after hearing the doorbell ring.]

Kyle: Oh, hey Stan.

Stan: Kyle, have you seen Kenny around?

Kyle: No, I thought he was hanging out with Cartman.

Stan: I was just about to head over there. Kenny’s not at home, I already checked.

Kyle: Have you noticed him acting a bit strange lately?

Stan: Yeah I know what you mean. Do you think he’s trying to avoid us, or something?

Kyle: No it’s just… Ah nevermind, let’s go.

[Kenny, meanwhile, is making his way through the back alleyways of South Park. It’s a route he seems to have some familiarity with.]

Kenny: (I’ve got to tell someone, but the guys would never believe me. Wait, I know who can keep a secret!)

[Kenny continues along his way until he reaches the Valmer residence. He hesitantly knocks on the door.]

Jimmy: Well hello K-Kenny. What b-brings you here?

[Timmy rolls in from the side to greet Kenny.]

Timmy: Timmeh! Timmay?

Kenny: (I have something I need to get off my chest. But I don’t quite know how to break it to my closest friends just yet.)

Jimmy: B-by all means, come on in then. And afterwards, you can help me test out… my n-new routine. I’m always on the lookout for a new audience.

Timmy: Tim-Timmeh.

[Stan and Kyle have arrived at Cartman’s house. Upstairs, Cartman is posing in front of the mirror dressed in nothing but a Speedo, and glistening from an excessive application of bodybuilding oil. He struts around, turns, and flexes several times. His bedroom door opens abruptly.]

Kyle: Whoa! Cartman?!

Cartman: Ey! [Covers himself with his hands] How the hell did you guys get in here?!

Stan: The door was unlocked.

Cartman: You sons of bitches! Knock next time! [Snatches up his bathrobe and hastily puts it on]

Kyle: Dude, what the hell are you doing?

Stan: Listen Cartman, have you seen Kenny?

Cartman: No, I thought he was with you guys.

Stan: Well, he’s been acting weird lately, and I haven’t been able to reach him today. It’s just that we’ve been worried about him. Anyway, get dressed we’re going to look for him.

Cartman: What do I care about him? I’m sure poor people go missing all the time.

Kyle: He’s your friend too; you’re supposed to care! Now let’s go, you’re coming with us!

[Kyle grabs Cartman by the wrist, but realizes that his grip is too slippery. He notices the oil on his glove.]

Kyle: Oh yecch! [turns to follow Stan] Just hurry the hell up and meet us outside!

[Back at Jimmy’s house.]

Kenny: (So that’s what I found out, and I can’t make any sense of it.)

Jimmy: Wow Kenny, that’s certainly a lot to pond—to pond—to think about.

Timmy: [to Jimmy] Timmeh, Timmy, livin’ a lah, Timmay? Timmih yah.

Jimmy: You’re right, I f-forgot about that.

Kenny: (What was that? You know, I can never understand what he’s saying.)

Jimmy: Timmy is talking about that fight we got into. B-back when we first met.

[Flashback to the scene from Cripple Fight.]

Jimmy: Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called, very much. I've been detecting some a-animosity towards me lately, and I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.

Timmy: [holding a gift] Timmih.

Jimmy: What's that?

Timmy: Hur livin' a lah, Timmih. [Presents the gift]

Jimmy: A present? You got me a p-present?

Timmy: Timmih!

Jimmy: [takes the gift] Gee, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you've been jealous of my talent. [Opens the present] If you work at it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable as I am, huh? [Pulls out the contents] Wow, a parka. [An orange one] You-you didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.

Timmy: [all smiles] Tim-Timmy.

Jimmy: Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits. [Timmy grins with anticipation as Jimmy dons the parka. Next shot is of Jimmy looking suspiciously like Kenny] This is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim. Well, I'll see you around. [Turns around to walk away]

Timmy: Timmih! [Grins]

[As Jimmy walks, suspense music comes up. Jimmy reaches the corner, and a safe falls from above and cracks the sidewalk behind him. He crosses the street, and a truck plows into an oncoming car and jackknifes, sending the car backwards through the air. Jimmy is untouched. An eagle tries to swoop him up, but misses. Jimbo and Ned appear atop a building across the street]

Jimbo: There he is! Kill him! Kill him! [Ned fires three times] Oh, wait, that's not him. [The two men withdraw, and Jimmy keeps walking]

[Some glass blows out from a window next to Jimmy, followed by a blast of fire, and Jimmy walks. He crosses the second street and a herd of cattle stampede past him. He continues down the road, and a space shuttle crashes into the sidewalk, nose first.]

Jimmy: [calling back] Thanks again, Tim-Tim.

Timmy: [thwarted] Tim-Timmay!

[End flashback.]

Jimmy: So that’s what happened.

Kenny: (Of course that’s it!)

Timmy: Hurr Timmeh.

Kenny: (This whole time it was this orange parka that’s been causing all my problems! I’ll bet the damn thing is cursed!)

Jimmy: B-but I didn’t mean to imply that it was. I mean—I turned out fine.

[Kenny walks over to the mirror and remembers the lesson from yesterday in school.]

Ms. Garrison: …An Egyptian Ankh… The Egyptians used it as an emblem of life, death, and rebirth… [Echoing] Life, death, and rebirth… Life, death, and rebirth…

[Kenny holds his arms out straight to the sides and looks himself over. Suddenly it dawns on him.]

Kenny: (I never noticed that before… Well, this doesn’t take a genius to figure out!)

[Kenny angrily tugs open the front of his parka, pulls back his hood, and rips it off of himself. Underneath, he has on a light orange t-shirt and orange snow pants. He crumples up the parka and tosses it into the corner of Jimmy’s room, his back still towards Jimmy and Timmy.]

Timmy: Timmay?

Jimmy: Are you sure that’s a good idea? It looks pretty c-cloudy outside.

[Kenny turns around to face them. He runs a hand through his matted hair.]

Kenny: No, you can keep the damn thing for all I care. All this time and it was my favorite parka to blame. [Turns to leave]

Jimmy: You can… borrow one of my j-jackets if you want.

Kenny: I’ll be fine, but thanks anyway. I’ll see you around.

[Timmy and Jimmy watch Kenny leave and then look out the window. It has started to rain. Kenny starts walking home along the sidewalk. The rain is now falling in a veritable downpour, and he is drenched in a matter of seconds.]

Kenny: [shivering] It may be raining but I don’t care. At least I got rid of that goddamn curse for good. I have a feeling my luck is about to change. [Turns around to face Jimmy’s house] Good riddance!

[Kenny is so preoccupied, he does not notice as a bolt of lightning flashes from the sky and narrowly misses him, striking a nearby tree instead. The tree splits and keels over.]

Kenny: What the hell? AAAHHH!! [The tree crashes down on Kenny, crushing him in an instant. A pool of blood leaks out from under the felled trunk.]

[Meanwhile, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are strolling through downtown when it starts pouring rain.]

Stan: Aw crap!

Kyle: The forecast didn’t say anything about a thunderstorm.

Cartman: Oh, well thanks a lot for dragging me along guys, now I’m soaking wet too!

Stan: Let’s just get inside and wait it out.

[Later that day. Kenny wakes up back at home, with a gasp.]

Kenny: [panting] It was all just another bad dream!

[Kenny gets up and instinctively heads over to his closet for his orange parka—only to find it gone. Kenny registers surprise. He looks out his window to discover that it is still raining, only not as heavily as before.]

Kenny: That—that can’t be…

[Kenny rushes out of his home and carefully makes his way back towards Jimmy’s house. His eyes widen as he sees the same fallen tree from before, charred and smoldering and lying across a pool of diluted blood in the sidewalk.]

Kenny: Holy f*cking sh*t!

[Inside Jimmy’s house, Jimmy is rehearsing his act in front of Timmy…]

Jimmy: …So then I said, “Well actually it IS a buh… a buh… a b-banana in my pocket.”

[…When they hear a stream of un-muffled expletives coming from outside.]

Kenny: [frustrated] Jesus titty f*cking Christ this can’t be happening! What the f*ck do I have to f*cking do to get this f*cking sh*t to stop? Why the f*ck does every f*cking thing have to happen to me?

[Jimmy and Timmy both stare blankly in silence, not sure how to react.]

Kenny: [calming down] Well I’m not going without a fight! I’m going to do whatever it takes to get rid of this curse even if it kills me! [Awkward pause] …Again! [Stalks off angrily]

[END OF PART 1]
Kyle the Skeptic
Posts: 2226
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:06 pm

Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:32 am

PART 2 - The Curse Gets Worse

[Open to downtown South Park. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are back outside resuming their search for Kenny. The rain has left almost as suddenly as it arrived. They pass by the movie theater, which is currently showing The Da Vinci Code. A movie poster next to the ticket booth is promoting it as the #1 movie in the world, and there is a short line extending down the sidewalk.]

Stan: [casually] So what do you guys think of all the Da Vinci Code hype?

Kyle: I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’ve read the book. It’s pretty good, but I’ve heard all his other books follow the same formula.

Cartman: Pfeh! The movie is blasphemous and offensive to Christians! It’s wrooong!

Kyle: What’s so offensive about it Cartman?

Stan: [interjecting] Uh, nevermind, forget I mentioned it.

Cartman: All of the things it says about Jesus! Not that it matters to people like you though!

Kyle: And just what is that supposed to mean?

Stan: Oh God, here we go again…

[The two continue to argue all the way through downtown South Park. Kenny, meanwhile, has arrived back home and is searching his room for loose change.]

Kenny: I don’t get it. It’s like the curse rubbed off on me. Even when I’m not wearing that parka—well maybe I just need to stock up on luck to balance it out…

[Kenny’s mother appears in the doorway as he is rummaging through his drawers.]

Mrs. McCormick: Kenny, what are you looking for?

Kenny: Nothing mom, go away.

Mrs. McCormick: Kenny why don’t you have your orange parka with you? You know it’s going down to freezing later today.

Kenny: [frowning] Oh that. I lost—I mean, it was stolen.

Mrs. McCormick: Damnit Kenny, that was the only coat you have, and we can’t afford to just go out and buy you another one!

Kenny: I know mom, don’t worry I’ll be fine. [Gives her a reassuring wave]

[Mrs. McCormick walks off. Kenny has managed to scrape together a few dollars.]

Kenny: [counting] …6, 7, 8! Whoo hoo!

[Kenny heads out again and makes his way over to the South Park dollar store.]

[Kyle and Cartman are still arguing as the three approach the Valmer residence.]

Cartman: There’s no evidence that Jesus was ever married or had children! You can’t just go make up stuff like that and claim it as fact!

Kyle: And there’s no evidence that he wasn’t. It was common for Jews of the time to get married at his age, especially if they were rabbis.

Cartman: Oh sure, that’s easy for you to say! Your people don’t believe in the divinity of Jesus, so I guess that makes it okay for you to badmouth him!

Kyle: Jesus was a great prophet, like Elisha. What’s the matter Cartman, does it hurt when the shoe is on the other foot? A movie comes out suggesting that the Jews killed Jesus and you hang on its every word. Another movie comes out suggesting that Jesus was married and you can’t stand it! I’ll bet you haven’t even read the book have you?

Cartman: [caught off guard] Yeah, well, f*ck you!

Stan: Guys, cool it already! We’re there. [knocks on the door]

Jimmy: Why hello, Stan. W-what brings you here?

Stan: Hey Jimmy, have you seen Kenny? He’s been acting strangely lately, and we’re kind of worried about him.

Jimmy: [thinks for a moment] Yes, he was here earlier, but… [hesitates]

Kyle: But what?

Timmy: [rolls up with Kenny’s folded parka in his lap] Timmih yah.

Stan: Isn’t that Kenny’s?

Jimmy: Oh damnit. Now how am I going to explain this?

Stan: Jimmy, what’s going on here?

Timmy: [prodding Jimmy on the shoulder] Timmay, Timmeh.

Jimmy: I p-promised not to tell, but by now I guess you’ve figured it out, so I m-might as well.

[Kenny is perusing the dollar store merchandise. He happens across a display of scantily clad female action figure rejects, which immediately catches his attention.]

Kenny: f*cking sweet! [Closes his eyes and shakes his head] No, no—I came here for something else.

[Kenny continues along through the dollar store. In one aisle there is a wet spill with a live electrical wire running through it, but Kenny is able to notice this and make his way around it. In another aisle is a flimsy display of soup cans teetering back and forth, which he keeps his distance from. Further along is a spilled trail of cooking oil leading up to a display of cutlery, which he also avoids. In the second last aisle is a stack of jars labeled “nitro glycerin 50% off”. Finally Kenny reaches the trinkets aisle at the end.]

Kenny: Whew. [Starts perusing over the keychains and other cheap ornaments]

Store Clerk: [in the distance] Back again Mr. McCormick?

Kenny: What?

[Kenny realizes that the clerk wasn’t addressing him. He peeks out from the aisle to the checkout lines and sees a familiar sight.]

Stuart McCormick: Yeah, you bet. I’ll take 10 of those scratch-and-win games.

Kenny: [clasps his forehead in his hand] Oh god damnit, not again.

Store Clerk: That’ll be 10 dollars.

Stuart: I’m sure to get a break one of these days! [Starts working on the first game as he leaves the store] Aw sh*t. [And the second] Aw sh*t. [Continues walking along, leaving a trail of discarded game cards, and swearing every few seconds]

[Kenny waits until Stuart is out of sight, and then hesitantly heads over to the check out line to ring up his purchase. He begins to have second thoughts as he examines the contents of his shopping bag.]

Kenny: No, no… this is different. I know this is what I need to break this curse once and for all.

[Back at Jimmy’s house—]

Jimmy: …And that was the last thing he said b-before leaving.

Stan: What, that’s it?

Cartman: Oh man, you mean this whole time—?

Kyle: I never really thought of it that way. Can you imagine how upset he must be?

Timmy: [hands Stan the parka] Timmaaay!

Stan: Yeah he’ll probably be wanting this back. Oh, by the way Jimmy, that tree in your front yard has seen better days.

Jimmy: [glances over] Yes I know. We’ve been meaning to call a tree service to take it down. That thing has been a lightning rod every time it s-storms. I guess it’s too late now, but we’ll still need to get them to remove it.

Stan: Well, it’s a good thing nobody got hurt. [Turns to leave] See you later Jimmy. Timmy.

Timmy: Timmeh.

Kyle & Cartman: Later.

Jimmy: I’ll be seeing you then. Say hi to k-Kenny if you see him.

[Kenny finally leaves the dollar store. Hanging off him are various good luck charms including a shamrock, a rabbit’s foot, a horseshoe, an iron cross, and several other cheap plastic ornaments.]

Kenny: This is sure to change my luck for the better. I’ll have to be sure to keep them on for a while, just to be safe.

[Further down the street at the intersection is a roadwork construction zone.]

Foreman: Weather delay’s over, let’s get back to work people! We need this section paved ASAP!

[The workers lay down a fresh patch of asphalt and begin spreading it. Kenny meanwhile is fiddling with the charms dangling around his neck. One of the charms, the iron cross, keeps detaching from its chain.]

Kenny: Damnit, I just bought these!

[Kenny is so distracted he doesn’t notice that he has wandered right into the middle of the construction zone. Sure enough, his feet are stuck in the freshly laid asphalt.]

Kenny: Oh great, my good shoes!

[Kenny struggles to free himself. It never occurs to him to take off his shoes. He does not seem to notice the steamroller approaching.]

Worker: Hey look out!

Kenny: [looking up] Who said that? AAAHHH!!! [Kenny is flattened by the steamroller and mashed right into the hot asphalt.]

Worker: Whoops. [Nonchalantly goes back to paving the road]

[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman continue on their way. They pass by Stark’s Pond. Kyle and Cartman have since resumed their argument.]

Cartman: [whining] Staaan, tell Kyle how wrong he is!

Kyle: Yeah Stan, you had to go and ask what we thought. So what do you think?

Stan: [sighs] I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a fictional story. I mean, I don’t have a problem with it one way or another.

Cartman: You what?

Kyle: You don’t?

Stan: Think of it this way. Jesus is whatever you make him out to be. It’s a matter of personal belief.

Kyle: That sounds reasonable.

Cartman: Oh sure Stan, take HIS side!

Stan: Well look, does it really make a difference if wanted to raise a family or not? Having children doesn’t mean you can’t still be a god. For all we know, there could still be descendants of Jesus walking around today.

Cartman: Yeah right, and I suppose they would have miraculous supernatural powers too?

Kyle: [laughs] I’d like to see that. That would be cool.

[Kenny once again wakes up at home, in his room, with a gasp.]

Kenny: [rubs his eyes] My dreams are getting way too literal.

[As Kenny gets up he senses something is amiss. He checks himself only to find that his lucky charms are no longer on him.]

Kenny: I could have sworn…

[Kenny checks his closet once again. It dawns on him that he shouldn’t expect to find his orange parka there. He leaves his house and makes his way back to the construction site, watching for traffic very carefully along the way. Finally he arrives back at the intersection. The crews have packed up and gone for the day.]

Kenny: Oh no, you’ve got to be sh*tting me.

[In the middle of the construction zone are the smashed remnants of his dollar store trinkets, embedded firmly in the freshly paved road. The air smells strongly of tar and a distinct rusty odor.]

Kenny: [stomping his feet] Ass f*cking cock sucking donkey raping son of a whore! What the f*ck did I ever f*cking do to f*cking deserve this?

[Several people walking down the street pause in wide-eyed shock when they hear this coming from a kid. After studying the situation, Kenny decides that it’s not worth it to try and extricate his charms from the road surface, and turns back the other way.]

Kenny: Maybe I should have researched this a little better. [Thinks for a moment] Wait! That’s it!

[Kenny makes his way to the South Park public library. Several of his classmates are there studying quietly, including Wendy and Token. He wastes little time searching the computerized card catalog for what he is looking for. Moments later he has surrounded himself with a stack of self-help books, including the latest from Deepak Chopra and Dr. Phil McGraw.]

[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman have arrived at Kenny’s house. Stan knocks on the door.]

Mrs. McCormick: Hi Stanley. If you’re looking for Kenny I’m afraid he isn’t in right now.

Stan: Shoot. We’ve been looking all over for him.

Mrs. McCormick: Well he’s been in and out constantly, but he never tells me where he’s going. [Noticing the folded parka under Stan’s arm] Say isn’t that--?

Kyle: Yeah we thought he might want it back, so…

Mrs. McCormick: What are you doing with that? Kenny told me it was stolen!

Stan: Why would he say that? [Aside to Kyle] Ooh. That never occurred to me.

Kyle: [trying to smooth things over] Don’t—don’t worry we’ll return it to him when we see him.

Cartman: Now come on guys, let’s get out of here. I can’t stand hanging around the poor side of town. It always reminds me of that smell from the time when I got my head stuck inside a cow’s ass.

Kyle: Uh Cartman, when did you ever get your head stuck inside a…

Stan: Well, we’ll see you Mrs. McCormick.

[As the boys leave, Mrs. McCormick slowly shuts the door.]

Mrs. McCormick: [muttering] Some days that kid of mine…

[Kenny is still at the library poring over the self-help books he’s found. He has already skimmed most of the way through one entitled “Down on Your Luck?”]

Kenny: [reading aloud in a quiet voice] “There are three simple steps that are guaranteed to affect positive change in your life. The first step is to admit to yourself that you can improve. The second step is to affirm your willingness to change for the better. The third is to take action…” [Runs his eyes back and forth over the pages again] Hmm I dunno.

[Kenny marks his place in the book and puts it atop the stack to his right. He reaches for a more religious oriented book and starts studying it.]

Kenny: [reading aloud again] “A self-centered life without God is off balance and disorganized. Only when the self submits to God does one’s life become less chaotic and more orderly.” [Frowns] This isn’t helping at all. This is stuff any idiot could think of.

[Kenny puts this book back, opens a random Deepak Chopra book, and begins to flip through it.]

Kenny: [reading] “Quantum healing is healing the bodymind from a quantum level. That means from a level which is not manifest at a sensory level. Our bodies ultimately are fields of information, intelligence and energy. Quantum healing involves a shift in the fields of energy information, so as to bring about a correction in an idea that has gone wrong.” [Voice trails off steadily] “So quantum healing involves healing one mode of consciousness, mind, to bring about changes in another mode of consciousness, body.” [Stares widely at what he just read] How the f*ck is that supposed to make any sense at all?

Front Desk Librarian: [without looking up] Shhh!

[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman meanwhile have just finished checking the candy store, and are on their way to the arcade. Kyle has since tried to rehash the previous discussion topic with Cartman.]

Kyle: You should really read it Cartman. It’s a good book.

Cartman: Pfft! Reading sucks ass.

Kyle: This coming from the guy who claims to have read the entire bible cover to cover?

Stan: Hey yeah, I remember that. [Rolls eyes] I’ve never known Cartman to be able to read a single chapter of any book in one sitting.

Cartman: I most certainly did so!

Kyle: And comic books don’t count. [Laughs along with Stan]

Cartman: Hey, shut your damn mouth!

Stan: Did you really read the whole thing? Or did you just do what most evangelists do, and pull a few choice verses out of context to make a point?

Cartman: Oh, whatever. It’s not like you guys have read it either.

Kyle: Sounds like The Code is the perfect book for you Cartman. It has really short chapters, and not too many big words.

Cartman: Ey!

Stan: Hey, maybe I’ll check it out just to see what all the fuss is about. Screw what the Vatican and all those protestors are saying. Let’s stop by the library later.

[Back at the library Kenny, who is obviously agitated once again, has just finished skimming through a book by Dr. Phil entitled “More Advice I Pulled Out of My Ass”.]

Kenny: [reading aloud again] “You can’t expect to ride a bike with only one leg. Anything worth doing requires commitment. [Skims down] You don’t need tap dancing lessons to climb the stairway to heaven…” [Pauses] Damnit, what the hell was that supposed to mean?

[Kenny finally decides to call it quits for the day. He starts to pile up his books and take them back to the shelves a few at a time. He ignores a nearby book cart with a sign reading “Please Do Not Reshelve Books” and simply jams them forcibly back in as closely as he can remember where he got them.]

Kenny: [mumbling] Stupid pointless waste of f*cking time—

[Kenny descends the stepladder after putting a couple of fairly thick books back on the top shelf. As he hops off and heads down the aisle towards the exit, he does not notice that he has inadvertently started the bookshelf rocking back and forth. It soon tips off balance and falls over, knocking over the next bookshelf in turn, and then the next in a massive domino effect. Kenny is so busy sulking that he does not notice the shelves crashing down behind him. Only when he passes in front of the last bookshelf does he finally hear something.]

Kenny: [turning] Hey, what’s that noise? AAAHHH!!!! [Kenny is crushed by the falling bookshelf. After the dust clears, a small book plunks to the floor for dramatic effect. A blood pool trickles out from under the collapsed shelf.]

Front Desk Librarian: [without looking up] Shhh!

[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman have stopped to rest, and are sitting on the curb in downtown South Park.]

Stan: I don’t get it. Where could he be? We’ve checked all of our normal hangouts.

Kyle: It’s not like him to change his plans without telling us. He hasn’t even called.

Cartman: [gets up] Yeah well, I’m sick of running all over the place looking for him. I’ve got much more important things to do with my time.

Kyle: Oh fine, go ahead and say it.

Cartman: Say what? [Walks off and leaves]

[Kenny wakes up back at home moments later. He throws the covers off of himself and heads straight for the door without bothering to check his closet this time.]

Mrs. McCormick: [on seeing Kenny] Hey Kenny, when did you get back? Your friends were here a short while ago and… [Kenny tears past her without saying a word] Now what was that all about?

[Kenny runs all the way back to the library, half knowing what to expect to find, yet still in a state of relative denial. By the time he arrives, the librarians have already picked up most of the books, and the janitorial crew is busy putting the bookshelves back together. One of the janitors is on his hands and knees, patiently scrubbing a large red-stained patch on the floor.]

Kenny: Oh no. NO!! God f*cking damned piece of f*cking stupid f*cking sh*t!

[Kenny realizes he’s just shouted this in a public library. Several readers glance up in shock from their books. Wendy gasps.]

Front Desk Librarian: [without looking up] Shhh!

[For several awkward moments it is dead silent. A pen can be heard clattering to the floor. Kenny looks around nervously at all the people staring at him.]

Kenny: Uhh… I mean… [Covers his mouth with his hands] Mfmppfmpm mpffmfmmfpmpmffpppmfm mpmmmmppmpppmppmpm pfmmffmppmmfmpp ppfmpf mpffmfmmfpmpmffpppmfm fmmfmpfmfpfmmffmpm mpffmfmmfpmpmffpppmfm fmmmfpmfffmp.

[Everyone goes back and resumes what they were doing.]

[END OF PART 2]
Kyle the Skeptic
Posts: 2226
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:06 pm

Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:33 am

PART 3 – A Frosty Fatality

[Open to the South Park church. Kenny is nervously making his way down the sidewalk towards the church, unsure of whether this is the right place to come for advice. He reaches for the door handle, hesitates for a moment as he looks around, and then slowly pushes the door open. The moment he enters, he sees Father Maxi, who is preparing for tomorrow’s service.]

Father Maxi: Yes, can I help you?

Kenny: I um, have a few questions and I wasn’t sure whom to turn to.

Father Maxi: Oh Kenny! I didn’t recognize you without your orange parka! Well sure, come on into my office.

Kenny: Thanks. [Follows Father Maxi and takes a seat]

Father Maxi: What sort of questions do you have?

Kenny: I know this sounds stupid, but what do you know about curses?

Father Maxi: Curses? You mean like magic curses? [Stifles a laugh] I’m sorry but that’s not my area of expertise.

Kenny: No, no, I mean what do you know about removing curses?

Father Maxi: Ah, you mean exorcisms. The thing you have to understand is that exorcisms are based on a selectively literal interpretation of the bible, which is something I’m personally against. I’ve been petitioning the Colorado archdiocese for years trying to get them to stop recognizing exorcisms, because I believe they cause more harm than good. The majority of exorcisms are done to people suffering epilepsy or some similar condition, when they ought to be receiving real medical attention. You see people used to believe that diseases were caused by demon possession, but now we know better.

Kenny: I don’t think an exorcism is quite what I had in mind.

Father Maxi: So what exactly is troubling you? Maybe you could be more specific?

Kenny: What I meant to say was, what is it that might cause someone to be cursed? Would they need to have done something really bad?

Father Maxi: Perhaps you are talking about people who are condemned to hell? [Looks embarrassed as he recollects] I admit that I made that sermon in error. It was wrong for me to try to invoke fear, and I realize now that it has no place in a message of compassion. God wants people to live good lives, not live in constant fear of punishment. After all, coerced love is not love at all, but submission.

Kenny: No that’s not it either. [Stops and thinks] Okay, what do you know about people who have died and come back to life?

Father Maxi: Oh, so then your question is more related to biblical mythology. Very well. I assume you’re talking either about the story of Lazarus, or the resurrection of Christ. What you have to understand is that these stories are just that: stories intended to teach us lessons about life. The most important part of them is the message, not the literal details.

Kenny: So did Jesus really come back to life, or was that another metaphor?

Father Maxi: It depends on whom you ask. The story of the resurrection can be interpreted many different ways. The Catholic Church certainly bases many of its beliefs on the resurrection, but even among us Catholics opinions may vary. Many do believe that it was a true miracle. Others interpretations hold that his teachings would live on, or that his qualities would resurface in future leaders. Personally I try not to dwell on the events surrounding his death, because I believe it was the life Jesus lived that made him special.

Kenny: [disillusioned] That doesn’t help at all. [Starts to get up] Coming here was probably a mistake.

Father Maxi: Well look, if it makes you feel any better… [Kenny stops for a moment] Don’t think of the bad things in life as curses from God, otherwise those will be all that you see. God has also blessed us all in our own special ways. Sometimes it helps to try and think of everything that happens as coming from him. Nothing is out of his control.

[A shocked expression forms on Kenny’s face.]

Kenny: Just—just forget about it. I’m sorry I mentioned it. [Gets up and leaves]

Father Maxi: I’ll see you tomorrow then.

[High above Colorado, a passenger jet is making its final approach to Denver Airport. Inside the cockpit are numerous empty beer bottles strewn about the floor.]

Captain: [over intercom in a cheery voice] This is your captain speaking. We’ll be arriving at Denver Airport within the hour. Hope you brought plenty of warm clothes because it’s going to be quite chilly. [Hangs up the intercom]

Copilot: Descending to 10,000 feet.

Captain: [gruff tired voice] I need a drink. Got any more of that S’Moors left?

Copilot: Oh come on, I think you’ve had enough.

Captain: Speak for yourself. How many trips to the bathroom have you taken?

Copilot: I told you, I have a prostate condition. [Gets up to go to the bathroom]

[On the outside of the plane’s fuselage, unknown to anyone on board, a large clump of ice has formed due to a leaking septic tank. The brownish blue mass continues to accumulate as raw sewage drips down and freezes in place. A toilet flushes and the copilot exits the bathroom stall.]

Copilot: Ahh, much better.

[The clump of ice finally becomes too heavy and breaks free from the plane, rapidly plummeting to the earth.]

[Back in South Park, Kenny has just left the church and is sulking while he thinks about what Father Maxi said to him.]

Kenny: Now I’ve got more questions than answers. Why can’t I ever get a straight answer?

[The flying crapsicle continues to fall, picking up speed every second. It passes over the mountain range encircling South Park.]

Kenny: I need to find someone who would understand me, but who could that be?

[A high-pitched whistling noise can suddenly be heard, as though a sizeable object is falling from the sky.]

Kenny: [looking around] What’s that noise? And what’s with that strange looking shadow. [Kenny stops to study the unusual shadow on the ground, which is moving towards him and getting bigger. It finally occurs to him to look up.] Oh sh*t! AAAHHH!!!!! [The crapsicle gashes Kenny right in the head, resulting in a very messy demise in more ways than one.]

[Stan and Kyle have just arrived at the public library. On seeing Wendy and Token sitting together, Kyle grabs Stan’s arm and pulls him in a different direction.]

Kyle: Oh geez, let’s go over here instead.

Stan: It’s okay. I am so over them.

Kyle: Sure you are. [Noticing the empty bookshelves and books in disarray] Hey what happened here?

Front Desk Librarian: We just had a little mishap here with several tipped over bookshelves.

Kyle: Damnit. I guess the card catalog won’t be much help now.

Front Desk Librarian: Don’t worry; we can help you find what you’re looking for.

Stan: Yeah, I guess it’s a good thing that nobody got hurt. [Goes with Kyle to look through the book carts]

[Once again Kenny wakes up at home, hyperventilating as though having just had another nightmare. His hands reflexively drift up to his head, which he feels over for a few seconds. The moment he realizes what has happened, he slams his fists into his creaky mattress.]

Kenny: God damnit!

[Kenny heads for the front door, passing right by his mother without saying another word.]

Mrs. McCormick: [looks up from the TV] Kenny, I didn’t see you come in. Where do you keep running off? [Watches Kenny leave] Well fine! Be that way!

[Kenny soon reaches the end of the block and turns the corner to the church. Sure enough, in the middle of the sidewalk in front of the church is a brownish blue heap of ice shards, atop a large pool of blood. Kenny starts to approach for a closer look, but the smell has already started to permeate the air.]

Kenny: Arrrgh! Scrotum sucking semen puking pole smoking ass monkey!

[Inside the church, Father Maxi pauses and stares blankly in silence for a few moments after he hears this coming from outside.]

Father Maxi: [regaining his composure] Good lord! [Father Maxi goes back to his work, but then notices the smell wafting in. He whiffs the air a couple of times.] Pfhew! Who farted?

[Kenny continues on his way, eager to find some fresh air.]

Kenny: Who else would understand what I’m going through? I’ve been through more today than most people do in a lifetime—well actually several lifetimes. [Ponders for a moment] Maybe—it’s a long shot but I can’t think of anyone else.

[The Stotch residence. Butters and Tweek are hanging out together playing Magic: The Gathering in Butters’ room. Tweek is the obvious newcomer, and is being given a crash course by Butters.]

Butters: Now these here are your land cards [lays out several cards of various colors] and then you’ve got your creature summons, your artifacts, your enchantments, your instants, and your interrupts.

Tweek: Gaah! That is WAY too much to remember! Couldn’t we play something a little less complicated?

Butters: Ah well, it doesn’t take that long to learn. Don’t worry, I reckon you’ll get the hang of it eventually.

[The doorbell rings.]

Tweek: Aack! Who could that be?

Linda Stotch: [from downstairs] I’ll get it.

[A few moments later Linda appears in Butters’ doorway with Kenny.]

Linda: Butters, one of your friends from school is here to see you.

Butters: Oh hey Kenny, what are you doing here? I almost didn’t recognize you…

Kenny: “…without my orange parka.” Yeah, I know. Can we talk?

Butters: Well sure, why don’t ‘cha come on in? [Linda walks off]

Kenny: Thanks. Hey, what’s that you’re playing?

Tweek: It’s this trading card game Butters is trying to teach me. [Holds up a few cards in his trembling hand] It’s called Magic: The Gathering.

Kenny: ‘Magic: The Gathering?’ [Rolling his eyes] That sounds f*cking gay.

Tweek: Huh?

Kenny: Erm, I said, “It’s not just a game.”

Tweek: Oh. [Goes back to fidgeting with the deck]

Kenny: You know, I could never understand how people can afford to buy all those booster packs.

Butters: Yeah, I’ve only got a couple so far. Did you know that they’re all random? [Walks Kenny into his room] So what do you want to talk about?

Kenny: [sighs] Have you ever had one of those days when it seems like everything bad that could possibly happen is happening to you?

Butters: Well yeah, I get those sometimes. [Recollects] Like that one time we were all playin’ ninjas and I got one of your ninja stars stuck in my left eye. [Stares at his feet and rubs his hands together]

Kenny: Look, I already said I was sorry about that whole incident—

Butters: A-and then you guys dressed me up like a dog, so you could take me to the vet, ‘cause you didn’t wanna get in trouble.

Kenny: It seemed like a good idea at the time—

Butters: And then I ended up in the animal shelter, and all the dogs went to the bathroom on me. And then they brought in a big needle, and I was almost euthanized…

Kenny: [losing his patience] Goddamnit Butters! You weren’t actually killed, were you?

Butters: [surprised at Kenny’s outburst] Killed? Why no, of course not! I was fine after they cleaned me up. B-but, you did ask.

Kenny: I didn’t mean it that way. I was just wondering how you deal with it, you know, when bad things happen to you?

Tweek: Why don’t you try a cup of strong black coffee? Whenever I’ve had a rough day, it really helps me take the edge off.

Kenny: That’s not quite what I had in mind.

Butters: There was also that time after Stan, Kyle, and Eric decided they didn’t want me to be their friend anymore. So I came up with a secret identity to get back at the world that shunned me—

Kenny: Butters, we all know about Professor Chaos by now.

Butters: Oh yeah, it figures you would. Anyway I gave it up after, well you know… Hey you know, I’ve been meanin’ to throw it away, but you can have my Professor Chaos uniform if you want.

Kenny: Um, I really don’t think a foil costume is going to be any help.

Butters: Aw come on, I’ll get it out for you.

[Butters opens his closet and starts to dig out the parts to his costume. The foil helmet is fairly tattered and looks like it has seen better days. Kenny walks over to tell Butters that it isn’t necessary when he notices something interesting.]

Kenny: Hey, what’s that?

Butters: You mean this? [Pulls out a set of shiny skateboarding gear] It was a gift from my Aunt Nellie last Christmas.

Kenny: I never knew you liked skateboarding.

Butters: Oh well, ya see, my mom and dad won’t let me use it. They’re afraid I’d hurt myself.

Kenny: Would it be okay if I borrowed it? It would only be for a little while.

Butters: Uh sure, I don’t see why not. It’s just been sitting here all this time, and I suppose it’s worth more to you than it is to me.

Kenny: Thanks. [Sits down and starts to strap on one of the kneepads] Hey, this is just my size. [Then the other kneepad]

Tweek: You’re going to wear it out with you?

Kenny: [pulls on an elbow pad] Yeah I might as well. [Then the other elbow pad] Listen Butters, I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier. [Straps on the wrist braces]

Butters: Naw, that’s okay.

Kenny: [tries on the helmet] I mean if you think about it, you and I have a lot in common. [Kenny is now fully decked out in Butters’ skateboarding gear. He gets up and looks himself over.] Well I’ll see you guys around. [Starts to leave] Thanks again Butters.

[Butters and Tweek wait for Kenny to plod his way down the stairs and out the door.]

Butters: Do ya think that’s true?

Tweek: What’s true?

Butters: That we have a lot in common? I mean sometimes I may think I’ve got it bad, but from what I’ve heard that is one unlucky kid.

Tweek: I know what you mean. But you two do sound a little alike.

Butters: Well actually, I think he sounds more like you.

Tweek: Does not.

[Stan and Kyle have just left the library. Each is carrying a couple of books. Kyle is glancing over the ones Stan picked out.]

Kyle: So what else did you get?

Stan: I’ve been meaning to take a look at Dianetics after what happened to me last year. I was so caught up with that crazy cult that I never had a chance to read it. I figured I might as well learn what I’m dealing with.

Kyle: Dude. Don’t bother. I’ve heard that the whole thing is nothing but postmodernist gibberish.

Stan: Aw well screw it then. [Stan switches his two books around, putting Dianetics on the bottom.] The Code is probably going to take up enough of my time.

Kyle: Nah, it’s really easy reading. You could probably get through it in one night.

Stan: Yeah, if we didn’t have finals to study for. What did you get?

Kyle: [holding up his books] I’ve finally decided to take your advice. Here’s one exposing the secrets of street magicians, and this other one is on the cold reading technique psychics use.

Stan: You and I have been through a lot, to say the least… [The two come up on the church] Aww, what the hell is that smell?

[Sanitation crews have arrived on the scene and are busy trying to vacuum up the mess on the sidewalk. Stan and Kyle pull their jackets up to cover their noses. Stan approaches a nearby DPW worker.]

Stan: What’s going on here?

DPW Crew: Boys, you’ll have to stay back 50 feet. From what we can tell, a clod of frozen sewage from an airplane’s septic tank crashed into the sidewalk earlier today. It’s a rare occurrence, but it happens.

Kyle: Hey, I heard about something like this in the news. A man in New York City was killed when one of those things fell from the sky.

Stan: I guess it’s a good thing nobody got hurt. Come on Kyle, let’s go the other way around.

[Kenny is continuing on his way, this time with an uncharacteristically overconfident air about him. He passes by Stark’s Pond.]

Kenny: This is the best idea I’ve had yet. Not one thing has happened to me since.

[Suddenly an oncoming car hits a patch of black ice on the road, and has started to skid out of control. The driver slams on the brakes and blows the horn in warning.]

Kenny: [covers ears] What the hell is their problem? [Turns to see the car skidding towards him] AAAHHH!!!!!!

[Kenny throws his hands up in front of his face just as the car slams into him, sending him careening through the air. The car plows into a snow bank and finally comes to a stop. Kenny lands on the frozen surface of Stark’s Pond.]

Kenny: [incredulous] I’m okay! It worked! Whoo hoo!

[The thin ice cracks and breaks and Kenny plunges through with a splash. The equipment he is wearing quickly becomes waterlogged and drags him under. A few moments later and a large block of ice with Kenny frozen inside comically bobs to the surface.]

[Kenny wakes up at home a short time afterwards, automatically taking several deep breaths. He wastes no time finding his way back to Stark’s Pond. Officer Barbarady is there on the scene taking the statement of the driver, while a tow truck is hooking up the back of the car. Kenny carefully approaches the edge of the pond and looks out over it. He can make out the block of ice still floating in the hole in the surface, with an empty set of skating equipment trapped inside.]

Kenny: f*cking… [Stops himself as he is about to swear] Ah what’s the point? Damnit, Butters isn’t going to appreciate this. [Kenny starts to sulk, feeling very depressed.]

Stan: There you are, Kenny! We’ve been looking all over for you!

[Kenny looks up and sees Stan and Kyle approaching.]

Kyle: Where have you been? It took us practically all day to catch up with you.

[Cartman approaches, clutching a bag of Cheezy Poofs, with crumbs all over the front of his coat. It looks as if he’s been stuffing himself with junk food in front of the TV for the past few hours.]

Cartman: Hey losers, I see you finally found Kenny. [Yellowish crumbs spray from Cartman’s mouth as he speaks]

Stan: Cartman? I didn’t know you cared.

Cartman: Pfft. Whatevah.

Kenny: [takes several steps back away from his friends] Stay away from me! It-it’s not safe to be around me!

Kyle: What? What are you talking about?

Stan: Yeah Kenny, this isn’t like you at all. What’s going on?

Kenny: [grasping for words] This may sound crazy to you guys, but I’ve found out I’m cursed.

Cartman: [through a mouthful of Cheezy Poofs] Cursed? That’s ridiculous. [More crumbs spray from his mouth and onto Kyle’s jacket. Kyle indignantly wipes them off.]

Kenny: No, no, it’s true! I don’t know how to explain this. Y-you see, I found out that I’ve died and then come back to life. Not just once, but practically all the time! Just today it’s happened 5 times! I’ve tried everything to get rid of this curse – I gave up the orange parka, I bought some good luck charms at the store, I tried reading some self-help books, and I even tried asking Father Maxi for advice! And you know how much I hate going to church. I can’t keep the curse from catching up to me though. You don’t know what it’s like, never knowing what’s around the next corner! It’s like the whole world is out to get me! [Slowing down and bowing his head] Well you guys probably think I’ve lost my mind, so go ahead and laugh at me.

[Stan and Kyle do not seem the least bit surprised at what they just heard, and Kenny is unable to read their reactions. Cartman shrugs and dumps the last of the bag of Cheezy Poofs into his mouth.]

Stan: [calmly] Kenny, you’ve always been that way.

Kenny: I what??

Kyle: Yeah Kenny, for as long as we’ve known you. It’s no big deal.

Cartman: Ah sure, you die all the time. [Chuckles] It’s kind of funny actually.

Kenny: [wide-eyed shock] Funny??

Stan: Yeah, we know you’ll always come back. Maybe we have gotten a little used to it. We just kind of assumed you knew about it better than anyone.

Kyle: Well look. It sounds to me like your whole obsession with luck has been what’s causing your bad luck this whole time. You’ve been focusing on luck to the point where it’s distracted you from paying attention to your own safety. That’s how all superstitions work.

Kenny: Maybe…

Stan: Also it all depends on how you think of yourself. For starters don’t think of yourself as cursed; try to think of yourself as “gifted”. I mean think about it. You always come back after you die, and not everyone can resurrect themselves after being killed all the time. [Approaches Kenny and hands him back his folded orange parka] Here I believe this belongs to you. Jimmy thought you might want it back.

[Kenny reaches for the parka, and then takes a while to mull over what he just heard.]

Kenny: I… I suppose you guys are right. I never really thought of it that way. [with resolve] All right from now on I swear to be less preoccupied with bad luck, and to be more cautious. A lot more cautious.

Kyle: That’s the spirit. It’s good to have you back, Kenny.

Stan: Yeah, it’s good to hear things are going to get back to normal.

[Kenny stares at his orange parka for a moment.]

Kenny: Well not quite. I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to wearing this quite yet. [Passes the parka to Cartman] Here, maybe you can hold onto this for the time being.

Cartman: Eh, I don’t want this! Oh fine! [Takes the parka]

Kyle: Come on Kenny, we’ll walk you home.

Kenny: Thanks, guys. I’m just glad we can stay friends.

Stan: Yeah, it sucks only having Cartman to hang around with. But a friend like you only comes along once every 2,000 years.

[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk off, leaving Cartman behind holding Kenny’s parka.]

Cartman: What a bunch of gaywads. [Looks at the parka and rolls his eyes] I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a stupid parka. Hey, I wonder if…

[Cartman opens up Kenny’s parka and decides to try it on. The seams can be heard ripping as Cartman starts trying to forcibly squeeze himself into it. He manages to get both arms in, with the parka resting over his shoulders. Finally he flexes his arms downward, resulting in a huge deliberate rip down the back of the parka.]

Cartman: Heh, heh, heh. Oh man, I can’t wait to see the look on Kenny’s face. [Singing to himself] I don’t want to wait, for our lives to be over…

[Cartman starts walking with Kenny’s tattered orange parka still hanging off of him. Along the way, he passes by a group of 3rd graders building a snowman, complete with coal eyes and a silk hat. As he walks past them, the silk hat on the snowman’s head begins to vibrate erratically.]

Cartman: [still singing] I need to know right now what will it beee…

[The snowman’s eyes glow red as it opens a fanged maw and growls, sprouting numerous dark tentacles from its body. The 3rd graders scream and flee in different directions. The snowman uproots itself from the ground and begins to move.]

Cartman: [singing] I don’t want to wait, for our lives to be over…

[Something is closing in on Cartman fast from behind.]

Cartman: [singing] Will it be yes or will it be… [Stops when he realizes he’s being followed] Hey what the hell do you want? [Turns around at the last second to face his pursuer] AAH! AAAHHH!!!

[FADE TO BLACK]

Cartman: AAYYIIEEEAAUGHHUAAHAAA!!!!!!!

[End of “Kenny’s Curse”.]
Aimsireil
Posts: 243
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2007 1:07 pm

Postby Aimsireil » Thu Mar 01, 2007 4:51 am

Well, it's great to see this back. I didn't have time to read all of it again, but I loved it before. I thought the deaths were creative, and everybody was in character (or at least how they acted back in the earlier seasons).

Good job. Kudos. But, you shouldn't have put "First Fic" in the title of this thread... you could have convinced a load of people that you had written a new fic (Shane, for one).
Last edited by Aimsireil on Thu Mar 01, 2007 5:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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ShaneHaughey
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Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 8:36 pm

Postby ShaneHaughey » Thu Mar 01, 2007 4:54 am

Solid 7/10.
That's how it's down here on the farm!
Kyle the Skeptic
Posts: 2226
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:06 pm

Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Thu Mar 01, 2007 5:35 am

Aimsireil wrote:Good job. Kudos. But, you shouldn't have put "First Fic" in the title of this thread... you could have convinced a load of people that you had written a new fic (Shane, for one).

Nah, I'm pretty sure he read it the first time too.
ShaneHaughey
Posts: 11192
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 8:36 pm

Postby ShaneHaughey » Thu Mar 01, 2007 5:43 am

Kyle the Skeptic wrote:
Aimsireil wrote:Good job. Kudos. But, you shouldn't have put "First Fic" in the title of this thread... you could have convinced a load of people that you had written a new fic (Shane, for one).

Nah, I'm pretty sure he read it the first time too.

Actually, I didn't. It was during a dark age of internet connection.:P
That's how it's down here on the farm!

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