the water slide trip adventure [my first fan fic]

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203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

the water slide trip adventure [my first fan fic]

Postby 203177 » Mon Jun 04, 2007 11:30 pm

hello sp fans i decided to make my very own south park story this is the first time i've wrote one but first i have to think of what its going to be about.
candies
Posts: 1127
Joined: Thu Jun 08, 2006 6:37 am

Postby candies » Tue Jun 05, 2007 12:42 am

Did you already make this thread?
Xandir: And the important we are together, Draw toge--(Gets hit by the head)

Mr.Garrison: You go to Hell, You go to Hell and you die!
MaxwellsSilverHammer
Posts: 675
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2007 8:12 pm

Postby MaxwellsSilverHammer » Tue Jun 05, 2007 8:50 am

*sigh* you shouldn't make threads like this unless you've already got something planned. are you looking for ideas or something?..
Ich bin über alles.
SoundClick [35 pieces // last update: 07.03.09]
Kyle the Skeptic
Posts: 2226
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:06 pm

Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:02 pm

Yeah, if you have a new idea, just post it in the Fanfic Discussion Thread above. That'll give you a chance to run it by other people ahead of time.
203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

Postby 203177 » Tue Jun 05, 2007 10:50 pm

hey that will be a good idea thanks for telling me about that. :)
My favorite sp characters: Bridon(he's so cute!)
Kyle,Stan, Kenny/Mysterion.

Fave ep: ESM Season 12,Sec fave: Butterballs Season 16
203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

Postby 203177 » Tue Jun 26, 2007 7:14 pm

Hello again i finally know whats going to happen sorry about the delay, i shall begin:

THE WATER SLIDE TRIP ADVENTURE

[the class chats]

Mrs.Garrison-"okay class listen up!"

[the class stops chatting]

Mrs.Garrison-"i've just spoken to principal victoria and principal victoria decided that before the summer starts that everybody south park elementary is going on an annual feild trip to the water slides in denver!"

[the class cheers]

Stan to Kyle-"hey dude guess what water slide i'm going on?"

Kyle-"what one?"

Stan-"hells slide"

Kyle-"sweet dude! i've heard thats one of the most scariest water slides in the park"

Stan-"i know i'm going on it"

[cartman begins to make fun of stan]

Cartman-"you..... go on hells slide?"

Stan-"yeah so?"

Cartman-"didn't you know that when people go on hells slide they die?"

Stan-"nah uh"

Cartman-"yeah huh they said on the news that two people died and now there closing it down forever"

Kyle-"will you shut up already with your stupid stories fatass![angrily]

Kenny-"yeah cartman nobody cares about your fictional stories"

Cartman madly-"oh yeah if you don't believe me kenny see for yourself and you know what i'm talking about"

Mrs.Garrison-"class quiet down i've already made the feild trip forms but there is one more thing"

Kyle-"whats that ms.garrison?"

Mrs.Garrison-"the rule is that if you want to go on this feild trip you have to finish your math home work!"

class groans-"awwwwwww"

Mrs. Garrison-"shut up you little brats those are the rules! and as for you four stan,kyle,kenny and cartman you better not screw up this trip like you did when we went to see the primister of canada, it was so humilating you cost canada a foutune to fix that flag!"[angrily]

Kyle pauses-"uh?........yeah we did"

[bell rings for dissmissal]

Mrs.garrison-"okay class see you tommorow and remember to do your homework if you want to go on this felid trip, and don't forget to return the forms in for tommorow, and next were leaving by bus at 8:15 and probably get there by 9:15 since its far! okay class see you tommorow"

[the boys walk out of the school building]

Cartman-"hey guys do you know what rides i'm going on?"

Kyle-"what rides?"

Cartman-"i'll be going on hells slide.....wait! hells slide is closed because people died on it"

Stan angrily-"how the hell can people die on a waterslide fatass theres no such thing"

Kyle-"yeah i'm sick of hearing about people dying on waterslides which is not even true" [annoyed]

Kenny-"yeah cartman stop making things up about people dying on water slides"

Cartman-"i'm not making this up you guys, if you come to my house and watch the news you'll know i'm not lying"

Kyle-"alright fine lets go to your house" [kyle turns around and snaps at cartman]

Kyle-"but if the news doesn't say anything about people dying on hells slide then can you leave us alone and drop this subject?"

Cartman-"but what if i'm right kyle then will you believe me?"

Kyle pauses-"uh?........ goddamit!"[madly]

[they go into cartmans house]

please tell me what you think of it and please remind me of any grammar mistakes, i'll continue the rest another day.
Nommel
Posts: 2484
Joined: Sun Aug 20, 2006 8:37 pm

Postby Nommel » Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:02 am

At least you spelled "grammar" right.

Other than that, I regretfully inform you that YOU SUCK.

[the class chats]

Mrs.Garrison-"okay class listen up!"

[the class stops chatting]


Ahad, that's horrible description. Oh and it might help not to start the story off in the middle of freaking nowhere.

Stan-"i know i'm going on it"

[cartman begins to make fun of stan]

Cartman-"you..... go on hells slide?"

Stan-"yeah so?"

Cartman-"didn't you know that when people go on hells slide they die?"


OMFG AHAD

Instead of writing:

Stan-"yeah so?"

You should write:

Stan: Yeah, so?

It looks a lot less st00pid that way.


Mrs.garrison-"okay class see you tommorow and remember to do your homework if you want to go on this felid trip, and don't forget to return the forms in for tommorow, and next were leaving by bus at 8:15 and probably get there by 9:15 since its far! okay class see you tommorow"


That's called a run-on sentence. You should put some kind of break in between the segments.

Unless you seriously work on your writing skills and get a beta-reader, I do not recommend that you continue this.
kenny'sdead233
Posts: 656
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:37 am

Postby kenny'sdead233 » Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:05 am

Well.... That was um... ok

Few complaints.

1. Discription needs to be WAY more detailed. discription such as [the class chats] only tells us one thing. Tell us where they are. From what you have, I can't tell where they are? Where are they, China, or South Park? Specifing the location REALLY helps.

2. If you are going to say that a person is saying a line in a certian tone, I'd like to know that tone BEFORE the sentence that they are saying in such tone.

3. No need for the quotes.
Image
203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

Postby 203177 » Wed Jun 27, 2007 7:16 pm

i apologize for making those mistakes, i had no idea that your not suppost to use quotes, and besides i'm not the perfect writer and can't get everything right.....well if you choose not to let me continue then i'll continue my story at http://www.spsource.net since you people don't like it and one more thing before i go i think you people are just dicks, SO HA! :evil:

P.S. screw you guys i'm going to spsource.net

[leaves the fan fic thread]
My favorite sp characters: Bridon(he's so cute!)
Kyle,Stan, Kenny/Mysterion.

Fave ep: ESM Season 12,Sec fave: Butterballs Season 16
Nommel
Posts: 2484
Joined: Sun Aug 20, 2006 8:37 pm

Postby Nommel » Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:10 am

203177 wrote:i apologize for making those mistakes, i had no idea that your not suppost to use quotes, and besides i'm not the perfect writer and can't get everything right.....well if you choose not to let me continue then i'll continue my story at http://www.spsource.net since you people don't like it and one more thing before i go i think you people are just dicks, SO HA! :evil:

P.S. screw you guys i'm going to spsource.net

[leaves the fan fic thread]


Well then spsource.net can have one more piece of sh*t writer in its fanfic section.

Adios, dickcheese!
Taranis_Music
Posts: 1765
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2006 8:06 pm

Postby Taranis_Music » Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:47 am

Holy Jesus, use a spell checker.

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