Note: This is not a story mocking Mormonism. The FLDS church is an entirely different denomination. Check wiki or religioustolerance.org for a more detailed analysis of the differences.
It's hard being perfect. Especially when you're nine.
Gary Harrison. He was state champion in wrestling AND in tennis. He maintained a 4.0 grade point average at his old school AND has been on two national commercials for toothpaste. He has a family who loves him and does everything together, he goes out of his way to help those less fortunate, and is living the most ideal life in America.
What would you do if you were he?
And the most perfect kid EVER!
His life is about to go more downhill than ever before.
His classmates start hating him.
He becomes estranged from his family.
He is surrounded by people he cannot trust.
Stan finds out the truth about him.
What would you say?
”At least I’m not Gary Harrison!”
I hope you continue this Kyle, it has the makings of a great fic. I'll be checking for updates. *Nodnod*
Thanks to Cerisa for helping me come up with the descriptions. Each one, with the exception of the first, is based on a particular fictional character.
Chapter 1 – Unfaithful
[Open to the third annual South Park interfaith cookout event, where members from every single religious group and denomination in the small mountain town have gathered at the riverside campgrounds to take part in the festivities. The largest group is from the local church, headed by Father Maxi and Sister Ann, but there are plenty of others as well. The Jewish community from the Broflovski’s synagogue, several small Protestant churches, the local Latter Day Saints chapter, the Buddhist temple, and even a few polytheistic groups are in attendance.]
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are eating together, trying their best to enjoy themselves. Stan is looking around the campgrounds distractedly to see if there is anyone else he recognizes, Kyle is finishing off a plate of pork chops, and Kenny is sitting in the shade, hunched over as if trying to keep a low profile. Cartman, strangely enough, has not touched much of his food, as he is busy waving around a flyswatter in one hand and wielding a can of bug repellant in the other.]
Kyle: Cut it out fatass! You can’t keep spraying that stuff everywhere when there’s food out!
Stan: Yeah Cartman, why can’t you just enjoy the cookout without making a scene?
Cartman: Why? I’ll tell you why. [A yellow striped insect buzzes around his head, causing him to wave the swatter frantically.] If there’s one thing that always ruins this cookout every year, it’s all these goddamn wasps! I don’t know why the hell the wasps always have to show up like this! If we could just get rid of these stupid wasps, everything would be perfect! [Sprays the bug repellant again]
Kyle: Dude! [Scoots his plate away from Cartman] I told you, knock it off!!
Stan: Hey Kenny, don’t you want to go up for seconds? You don’t have to hide over there all the time.
Kenny: (Nah, I’m fine. Besides, religious events always make me nervous.)
Cartman: [looking up] Whuh-oh! [Pokes Stan teasingly] Hey Stan, look who it is!
[Stan turns and sees Gary Harrison approaching, walking with his hands in his pockets.]
Stan: [quietly] Oh no. Look, I’ll handle this. Just don’t say anything.
Gary: Hey, Stan.
Stan: [without making eye contact] Uh, hey.
Gary: So, how have things been with you?
Stan: Oh, just fine. You?
Gary: Oh, I’ve had plenty going on in my life, but I wouldn’t want to bore you with all the terribly uninteresting details [pauses for emphasis] Stan. [Awkward moment of silence] Well, it was nice talking to you again. [Waves] I guess I’ll see you around.
Stan: Yeah. Same to you.
[Gary turns and makes his way back to his family. Cartman waits until Gary is out of earshot.]
Cartman: Awwww, can you feel it guys? [Puts his arm around Stan’s shoulder] Love is in the air. [Continues in song] Everywhere I look around! Love is in the air—Every sight and every sound! [Stan cuts him off with a sock right to the face.] Ow! Ah… [Clutches his nose and starts bawling] Ow! Owwww!!
Stan: [gets up to throw out his paper plate] I think I’m going to look around and see what else there is to do around here.
Kyle: [getting up as well] Me too. Come on, Kenny.
Kenny: (Oh, all right.)
[As the boys meander around the campground, Stan notices that Kyle is trying his best to steer them clear of the Jewish gathering, even though his parents and little brother are there.]
Stan: What’s wrong, Kyle? You seem to have been avoiding your parents this whole time.
Kyle: I just need my space, you know; some time for myself. That’s all. It’s bad enough that I have to put up with being dragged to Saturday services every week.
Stan: But don’t you at least want to try some authentic kosher cooking? [Kyle gives him a funny look with eyebrows raised.] Oh, right, right.
Kyle: If you want to, you go right ahead. That stuff is always so bland. I’m glad my parents aren’t as strict about what food you’re “allowed” to eat. [Rolls his eyes] I mean, give me a break.
Kenny: [pointing] (Hey, what’s going on over there?)
[The boys come across a group of what appear to be followers of some weird occult religion. Standing atop a folding chair and manning the barbecue grills is Damien himself. He has a spatula in one hand, tongs in the other, and is even wearing his very own chef’s hat.]
Damien: There you go, extra rare and flame-licked, just the way you wanted it. [Looks up for a moment] Oh hey, guys.
Kenny: (Damien? What are you doing here? And who are these people?)
Damien: Oh, funny story, that. I heard that the followers of the LaVeyan philosophy were going to be here, so I decided to show up and meet with them. It turns out they’re not quite what I expected. Did you know that they’re really just agnostics who believe in materialism and individualism? Still, they seem like nice people anyway.
Kyle: [puzzled] Oh? [Thinks for a second] Oh—now I get it.
Kenny: (Well, you certainly look like you’re enjoying yourself.)
Damien: Yeah. Who would have thought that outdoor cooking could be this much fun? I guess I’m just a natural when it comes to playing with fire.
[The relative placidity of the cookout is interrupted when a sudden shout rings out from across the campgrounds. It sounds as though several people are in the middle of a particularly heated argument.]
Stan: What the hell was that?
Kyle: [points in the direction of where the Mormons are set up] I think it came from over there!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny rush over to find that the Mormons are in the middle of a shouting match with a group of people dressed in plain clothing, whom they have never seen before. Mr. Harrison, who has never lost his temper at anyone (or anything for that matter) is red-faced and waving his fist angrily. Karen Harrison, instead of attempting to hold her husband back, is also right up in the faces of the strangers, wagging her finger at them with every word.]
Stan: Geez, what the f*ck is going on here? I’ve never seen them like this!
[The person it appears they are arguing with is a clean-cut, modestly dressed man, wearing a simple collar shirt, a tie, and gray dress pants.]
Mr. Harrison: …And you’d better just take your sick depraved band of infidels and ship on out of here!
Karen Harrison: You’re not getting your hooks into our children, so why don’t you just—leave while you still can?
Strange Faction Leader: Now, now, this is an interfaith cookout event, is it not? We have just as much of a right to be here as you do. Besides, you’re certainly ones to talk about being unfaithful to the doctrines handed down by Joseph Smith himself…
Karen Harrison: How DARE you!!
Gary: Mom? Dad? What are you doing? Why are you yelling at these people?
Mr. Harrison: [calmly] Gary, please stay out of this. Go watch your little sister until we get back, okay?
Gary: But what have they done to deserve this?
Strange Faction Leader: Indeed, we simply want to enjoy the festivities like everyone else.
Mr. Harrison: And we should trust you, why??
[The two groups continue arguing until members from the other faiths, including Father Maxi and Rabbi Schwartz, take notice and gather around to break up the fight. The Mormons reluctantly back down and return to their part of the campgrounds, leaving a somewhat confused looking Gary behind after the crowds have parted.]
Gary: [rushing up to the faction leader] Hey wait! Wait up! [The leader turns around to regard him.] Listen, I’m sorry about the way my parents acted. I’ve never seen them like that before, especially out in public. I can’t help but feel embarrassed for all of us.
Strange Faction Leader: That’s okay. We know that we will not always be accepted wherever we go. Persecution is an ever-present fact of life for us.
Gary: [musing] Persecution? Who are you people anyway?
Strange Faction Leader: [proudly] Isaac Jeffs, of the Latter-Day Saints Restorationist movement. [Holds out his hand]
Gary: [Shaking hands] I’m Gary Harrison. Pleased to meet you. Wait, you people are Mormons too?
Isaac Jeffs: We are the Original Mormons, who still walk the divinely ordained path to eternal salvation. [The recognition dawns on him.] Hey, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before. Yeah, weren’t you in a couple of commercials a while back? Crust sparkle toothpaste for kids, right? [Reciting the ad jingle gratingly] “Crust sparkles leave teeth pearly white. To keep our smiles shining bright!”
Gary: Well [laughs modestly] yeah, that was me all right. But what were you saying about eternal salvation? Is that what you were arguing about?
Isaac Jeffs: Well you see, we differ from most Mormon branches, in that we believe in holding true to the teachings of the great prophet, seer, and revelator exactly as he had originally intended them. While others may have lost sight of their principles as times have changed, or conformed to the standards of modern society, we pride ourselves on our ability to remain firm and never abandon our sacred duties.
Gary: That doesn’t sound at all unreasonable. I don’t understand why my parents were getting so defensive. You don’t seem at all like the bad people they were making you out to be.
Isaac Jeffs: Indeed. So many don’t seem to understand that just because we’re a little different doesn’t mean we deserve such prejudice.
Gary: It sounds to me like you were just misunderstood, that’s all. I mean, if you’re Mormons too, you obviously believe in the same kinds of things we do, like loving your family and being good to others, right?
Isaac Jeffs: Yes. We only seek to uphold the legacy of Joseph Smith in the truest sense of the word. As a matter of fact, there’s more to the story of his life than you know.
Gary: Wow, really?
[Flashback sequence. The view starts in a close up of Joseph Smith dressed in his finest tux, and then gradually zooms out to reveal a makeshift wedding ceremony held in Nauvoo, Illinois some time in the 1840s. Smith’s bride to be is standing beside him in a wedding gown that looks somewhat worn, and when the veil is lifted, she looks to be no more than half Smith’s age. Mayor John C. Bennett is officiating the ceremony, while Smith’s first wife Emma is sitting in the front row staring blankly into space.]
Choir: Joseph Smith was called a prophet, dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB! He founded the Mormon religion, dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
Mayor Bennett: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite these two under the new and everlasting covenant revealed to our prophet by none other than Jesus Christ himself!
Joseph Smith: Yes, yes, now can we please get on with it?
Choir: He married more than forty wives, dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
Mayor Bennett: If anyone here has reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, here in the presence of the Lord, let him speak now or forever hold his…
Emma Smith: [timidly] Y-yes! I object! [Pleading to Joseph Smith] Please reconsider! I thought I was the only one for you. Won’t you at least think of the children?
Joseph Smith: [whining] Aww, c’mon! It’s not like it’s the first time!
Emma Smith: You swore after that illicit affair that you would be faithful to me forever after! [In tears] How do I know that you will fulfill your vows to love, honor, and cherish me when your heart is divided among so many others?
Joseph Smith: [aside] Who said I was thinking with my heart?
Emma Smith: [shocked] What was that?
Mayor Bennett: Ahem. Need I remind you of the established doctrine of “spiritual wifery”? All spiritual marriages are sanctified and approved by the Prophet himself. We are only seeking to make it formal by means of this ceremony.
Choir: Dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
Emma Smith: Joseph, is this true?
Joseph Smith: Yes, and in fact, plural marriage has been around since biblical times. Men like Abraham, Jacob, David, and the wise king Solomon all had multiple wives, and look at all they accomplished as a result!
Emma Smith: But…
Joseph Smith: [holding up his hand to silence her] Does it not say in scripture, “If [a man] take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish”? That’s from Exodus 21:10. Or how about, “If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated: Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn.” That was Deuteronomy 21:15-16. So you see, even the Law of Moses approves.
Choir: Dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
Emma Smith: A-are you saying you no longer love me?
Joseph Smith: No! I mean yes! I mean… Well look. If the new and everlasting covenant is not observed, there will be eternal damnation and hellfire to pay. So you see, I don’t have much of a choice in this either!
Emma Smith: But I… No, no, this isn’t happening. [Closes her eyes and repeats to herself] This isn’t happening.
Joseph Smith: Hey, that’s the spirit! [To Mayor Bennett] Please continue.
Choir: So Joseph Smith took another bride, dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
Leaving Emma Smith all torn up inside, dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
[The ceremony continues, with Smith and his young bride reciting their vows. The music comes to a crescendo, before the flashback sequence comes to an end.]
Gary: Oh. I never thought of it that way. But if Joseph Smith approved of it, then it has to be right.
Isaac Jeffs: [nodding] Indeed. You seem like a bright young man. Why don’t you take a look at some of our pamphlets? It has the number of our branch in Hildale, Utah, so you can keep in touch if you’re interested.
Gary: [accepting the pamphlets] Thanks! I’ll certainly think about it.
[Ominous sinister music begins to play softly in the background as Gary begins to pore over the material. The scene fades to black.]
[Open to South Park Elementary, one week later. The kids file into the classroom and take their seats, although there are a number of extra desks that have been placed around the room. Ms. Garrison enters and reads from her student roster as though she is acting out an overdone and deliberately choreographed scene.]
Ms. Garrison: Okay, students, let’s take our seats. We have a new student joining us… [Aside] Why do I have the strangest feeling of déjà vu? Ahem. Anyway, we actually have several new students joining us today.
Kyle: [to Stan] Well, who didn’t see that one coming?
Ms. Garrison: [waving towards the door] You can come in now! [Much to the other 4th graders’ surprise, Gary Harrison walks in, flanked by no fewer than eight extraordinarily attractive girls.] Class, I’d like you all to say hello to Mary Sue! Mary was a straight A student and top athlete at her last school, where she made tons of friends. I’m sure you’ll get along with her just fine.
[The camera pauses over the leftmost girl at Gary’s side. She has bright tangerine eyes and naturally lavender hair with glittery sparkles that matches her eye shadow. Her incredibly ornate outfit, which resembles that of ancient Egyptian royalty, is absolutely to die for. Her ivory white dress appears to be made entirely of rhinestones, almost glowing with a heavenly light, with short sleeves ringed with gold trim that just cover her shoulders. Numerous over-elaborate gaudy bracelets, necklaces, and earrings are all inlaid with shimmering gemstones, which she displays flirtatiously for all to see.]
Mary Sue: [seductively batting her 1 inch eyelashes] Hello boys.
Kenny: [perking up] (Whoa!)
Ms. Garrison: [continuing the introductions] Berry Sue lives with her adoptive parents. Her father is a firefighter and her mother works at the local flower shop.
[The camera now stops over the second girl from the left. She has azure eyes, pouty lips, and autumn-tinted hair that is done up in angular peaks and hangs down past her shoulders. Two of her locks are draped over the front of her blue and yellow midriff shirt, which reveals her slender hourglass midsection. The view continues to pan down over her spangled blue jeans and yellow wedge sandals. Her dainty appearance belies an intense inner power that almost radiates from her being.]
Berry Sue: [haughtily] I’m actually descended from a royal family.
Butters: [mesmerized] Whuh-huh… [Wipes the corner of his mouth]
Ms. Garrison: Carrie Sue is originally from a small town just like ours. She’s had to overcome a lot of adversity in her life, having to face things most of us could never even imagine, and is now looking for a fresh start.
[The third girl from the left has a pale but clear complexion that is partially obscured by her long ochre hair, which flows over her shadowy, penetrating chestnut eyes. An alabaster prom dress, with several barely visible peculiar stains, is wrapped around her small, slim frame. She carries herself with a somewhat shy and reserved decorum, which only adds to the air of mystery surrounding her. A mere glance is enough to make anyone feel sorry for her after all the emotional and psychological trauma she’s been through, the scars of which she hides quite well.]
Carrie Sue: [dour tone] Nice to meet you.
Tweek: [awestruck] Wow, you can tell she’s got issues. [Wendy glares at him.]
Ms. Garrison: [reading along] Cherry Sue loves botany and nature, and cares deeply for the environment. Her favorite hobby is gardening.
[The fourth girl, who is standing right next to Gary on his right side, has viridian eyes and wild hair of a reddish terracotta shade. She wears a form-fitting emerald and olive colored outfit that almost resembles kudzu leaves, a pair of matching green tights, and a pair of elbow-length slender chartreuse gloves. Leis of lilac flowers make up her bracelets and necklace, and petals appear to dance through the air at her whim. An enchanting floral perfume, like that of a meadow in the early spring on a cloudless sunny day, emanates from her as she is introduced.]
Cherry Sue: [winking at Cartman] Hey there.
Cartman: Buh… [Trying to resist] No, tree-hugging hippies are bad. [His resolve weakens again as his eyelids droop and a grin spreads across his face.] Buh…
Ms. Garrison: Jerri Sue moved here from the California shores. She was the best singer in her school choir and her voice has won her several national talent competitions!
[The girl to Gary’s immediate left has seafoam blue eyes and bright vermilion hair that looks as if it has been swept by the gentle sea breeze. Her delicate skin and rosy red lips glisten in the light. She wears a spangled aquamarine blouse over a snow-white undershirt, with frills around the collar, shoulders, and wrists. A long, flowing silken dress in matching colors loosely covers the rest of her slender curvy frame. She speaks in a melodic entrancing voice that soothes the soul like a stringed sonata.]
Jerri Sue: [sweetly, to Gary] I only wish to be a part of your world.
Clyde: [perplexed] Wait, what?
Ms. Garrison: Kerry Sue is originally from Massachusetts. She says that her most important life lesson has been that one must be responsible for one’s own actions.
[The sixth girl has cerulean eyes, long flaxen hair combed straight and parted in the middle, and a bright innocent photogenic smile. Her outfit consists of a loose onyx shirt with a paisley pattern, a thick charcoal leather belt with turquoise gemstones forming a gleaming ring around her waist, and loose-fitting ebony black pants. It looks almost as if shimmering sparkles are being left in the air as she waves her finger around in a preoccupied manner.]
Kerry Sue: I always try to make myself helpful when I can.
Pip: Oh—oh dear. I know it’s not right, but I just can’t take my eyes off of her.
Ms. Garrison: Next is Sherry Sue. According to her records, her parents work for the SETI agency, and the science lab is like a second home to her. She has scored in the top half percentile in every IQ test she’s ever taken!
[The seventh girl has billowing blond hair, gamboge tinted eyes that beckon to others from afar, and a particularly mature countenance. A delicate green gown with wavy, organic-looking patterns resembling sunset tinted branches is wrapped seductively over her firmly toned features. She stands in a confident pose resembling that of a dominatrix, as she twiddles her fingers to display her long, naturally glossy nails.]
Sherry Sue: [makes a soft hissing noise that sounds almost like a mating call] I can’t wait to get to know each and every one of you.
Terrence: [spaced out] Wow, I like a girl with brains.
Ms. Garrison: And finally we have Terri Sue. She believes in fighting for what’s right, in the name of love and justice. Well, that’s interesting.
[The eighth and final girl has a wide face with a bright complexion, large watery sapphire eyes, knee-length saffron hair done up in an odango hairstyle, and a diamond-studded tiara of purest silver. She wears a traditional Japanese sailor outfit schoolgirl’s uniform, with a navy blue v-neck collar and blue and yellow trim along the miniskirt. A large, heart-shaped pink and golden brooch, inlaid with what appears to be a crescent symbol, and angelic wings on either side, rests right below her collar. She is carrying her lunch bag with her, and appears to be somewhat distracted by her compact at the moment.]
Terri Sue: [with a squeaky valley girl accent] What? Oh. [Waves] Hi y’all!
Craig: [quietly, aside] You can rescue me any time, baby.
Ms. Garrison: Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, please take your seats so we can get started.
[As Ms. Garrison begins the first lesson of the day, Gary approaches Stan at his desk, with a smug grin on his face.]
Gary: So Stan, what do you think of my girlfriends?
Stan: Girlfriend? You mean you’ve already hooked up with one of the new girls?
Gary: [shaking his head with a smile] Not just one. All of them. [Proudly] These are all my arranged girlfriends! [Casually leans on Stan’s desk] How do you like them? Eight gorgeous girls, and they’re all mine.
Stan: [taken aback] Dude…!
Kyle: [tilting his head to the side] R-really??
[The girls have begun wandering throughout the class, charming all of the boys practically on sight, while drawing jealous scowls from the other girls. Ms. Garrison continues the lesson, seemingly oblivious to what’s going on.]
Gary: This is just one of the perks being Mormon. Too bad you decided it wasn’t for you, huh Stan?
Cartman: [dreamily, fixated on the Sues] Heh, at this rate I could become a Mormon too. Count me in.
Kyle: No you couldn’t, Cartman! Besides, the only reason you’re saying that is because… [He is cut off, distracted, as Cherry Sue breezes past his desk, causing him to blush and his pupils to dilate.] Wait, wh—what was I saying?
Stan: [wondering aloud] Now what are they doing?
[The eight Sue girls seem to have taken a particular interest in Kenny at the moment and have all flocked around his desk, causing him to shake in his seat as his unwitting eyes dart back and forth rapidly.]
Berry Sue: Hey there, hot stuff. What’s your name?
Kenny: [stuttering] (K—Ken—Ke… Oh my!)
Cherry Sue: I’ll bet you look cute underneath that hood.
Kerry Sue: A shy one, is it? Mmm. [Gently runs her finger along the side of Kenny’s hood] I love a man of mystery.
[Kenny’s eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets and his face steadily turns a pale shade of blue as all the blood rushes out of his brain. He wavers back and forth for a few seconds before finally keeling over, tumbling right out of his seat and collapsing to the floor lifeless. A wet popping noise is heard a second later as if something has just burst.]
Stan: [gasping, realizing what happened] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
[There is a pause for a few moments as Stan waits for Kyle’s follow up, although Kyle is still apparently mesmerized with the Sues as well.]
Kyle: Huh? What? [Blinks a few times] Oh, right. [Slowly, with voice trailing off] Uh, y-you bastards—
[Stan peers down at Kenny’s stiff body, although the view does not pan down to show it.]
Stan: Well, from the looks of things, at least he died happy. [Shrugs]
[End of Chapter 1]
[Open to South Park Elementary the following day. Kyle and Cartman are walking with Stan to their lockers on the way to the cafeteria, although they are acting somewhat sluggish and disoriented as if their minds are still enveloped in a thick fog.]
Stan: Guys, come on, snap out of it.
Cartman: I’m trying! It’s just that every time I see one of those new girls, I can’t stop thinking about them, especially that Cherry girl—[voice trails off] and how perfect we’d be together. [Amorously] Whenever she’s near, I get this feeling that we were made for each other; that everything would work out for us no matter what.
Kyle: [scoffs] Oh sure, fatass, like a human oil slick like you has a realistic chance with any of them!
Cartman: [raising his fists] Yeah, Jewboy? You wanna go? Come on! Right now!
Stan: [stepping between the two] Cool it already! I don’t know what’s gotten into you two, or why you’ve decided to start acting like this again, but just stop!
[The boys keep walking, with Kyle and Cartman keeping their glares affixed on each other until they finally reach their respective lockers.]
Kyle: [looking around] Hey, where’s Kenny? Shouldn’t he have shown up again by now?
Stan: He did, but he locked himself in a restroom stall several hours ago, saying that after his first encounter with the new girls he had to, “Take care of some important business.” Whatever that means. I guess he’s still in there.
[A commotion can be heard coming from around the corner in the next hall. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman arrive to find that the other students have gathered around what could only be an ensuing fight between two students. Much to their surprise, they see Token backed up against the wall after an infuriated Gary has gotten right up in his face. The eight new girls are all standing innocently off to the side.]
Gary: It’s because of you people; you cursed spawn of Cain, that the devil has been able to bring evil to the earth since the dawn of time!
Token: [looking half confused, half angry] W-what the hell are you babbling about??
Gary: [squints] Oh, of course, I wouldn’t expect you to be able to understand half of what I’m saying! Your kind obviously lacks the mental capacity!
Cartman: Ooh, sounds like we’ve got ourselves another race wa…!
Kyle: [cutting him off] Don’t, Cartman! You’re not helping!
Stan: [pushing his way to the front of the crowd] What’s going on over here??
Token: I don’t know! First this guy catches me with his elbow while walking down the hall, and then he starts yelling at me for not getting out of his way fast enough, just because he thought I was checking out one of his girls!
Gary: Just learn your proper place and keep your lying blasphemous mouth shut next time! I don’t want you looking, speaking, or associating with them in any way! Got it?
Token: You started it! I don’t know why you and your girlfriends have to take up the whole hallway and then just expect people to get out of the way!
Gary: You know what? I don’t have to stand here and take this from one who is little more than an instrument of the devil himself, walking in our very midst!
Stan: [stepping in] Hold it! Gary, what the f*ck has gotten into you? I’ve never seen you this way before! Something about you has changed for the worse, and I don’t know what your deal is, but you have no right to take it out on your friends!
Gary: [shaking his head] Inconceivable! Now you’re persecuting me for my beliefs? You’re certainly one to talk about friendship, Stan! You know, I tried not to dwell on it much after you showed your intolerance of the Mormon faith before, but you must be a really shallow, pathetic individual if you have to take every chance you get to persecute those with different beliefs!
Stan: [wide eyed shock] What??
Gary: Yeah, don’t think it was hard to see right through you to the intolerant person you truly are, Stan! You’re no different from all the others! Ever since the Mormon religion was founded, Joseph Smith and his followers were persecuted nearly everywhere they went! It’s just like the time in 1832 when the mob dragged him from his home in the dead of night, beat him nearly to death, tarred and feathered him, and left him for dead! Or in 1844 when a mob of 200 stormed the jail where he was being held and shot him over and over again, even after he fell from the second floor window, dead.
Stan: What does any of that have to do with…?
Gary: Joseph Smith died a martyr and that makes him right! You know, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, he warned his followers about this; that people would persecute and oppose us everywhere we go! You right now are only proving him right! [To his girlfriends] Come on, girls. Let’s go.
Jerri Sue: Whatever you say, Gary.
Mary Sue: Your wish is my command, Gary.
[Gary finally stalks off, leaving a bewildered Token wondering if he really just heard what he thinks he heard coming out of Gary’s mouth. The other fourth grade boys’ heads all turn in unison as they watch the Sue girls gallop after Gary down the hallway, watching them the whole time until they disappear through the doors.]
Stan: Hey Token, you all right?
Token: [a little shaken] Yeah—I think so. I just don’t get what made Gary so angry with me all of a sudden.
Kyle: I agree, dude, what a little assh*le!
Stan: Yeah, screw that kid!
Cartman: Are you kidding me? That was totally awesome! [He laughs to himself, slapping Token on the back, but it quickly dies down when he realizes awkwardly that nobody else is laughing with him.] Uh, I mean, ahem, totally not cool.
[Kenny finally emerges from the boys’ room, holding his left hand over his sore right shoulder.]
Kenny: [breathing heavily] (Whew, that sure took forever! So guys, did I miss anything?) [Stan and Kyle just kind of stare disapprovingly at him.] (What?)
[Open to the South Park mall one afternoon, where Wendy is taking a reluctant Tweek shopping with her. Tweek is sitting alone on one of the benches in front of the fountain, fidgeting nervously every few seconds, as he waits for Wendy to return.]
Wendy: [handing Tweek a drink and half of a subway sandwich] Here you go! I got us something from the food court.
Tweek: Uh, you didn’t have to… I mean, thanks. [He takes a nibble and a small sip before speaking up.] So, where are we going first?
Wendy: Oh Tweek, it doesn’t really matter. To be honest I didn’t ask you here just to tag along while I went shopping. [She wraps her arm around him and pulls him closer.]
Tweek: Ack! Hey wait, I’m going to spill my drink!
Wendy: [laughs] You’re funny.
[Wendy leans over and gently rests her head against Tweek’s shoulder, which causes him to tremble and squirm uncomfortably. After darting his eyes around and biting his lip however, he finally comes around and rests his own head against hers. Wendy sighs and holds him close, as the two bask in the relatively tranquil ambience of the fountain’s rushing waters.]
[The moment does not last very long though, when the rude chatter of the eight Sues parading through the mall interrupts it. Mary, Berry, Carrie, Cherry, Jerri, Kerry, Sherry, and Terri walk by, on their way from one clothing store to another, while an unfortunate looking Gary follows along, loaded down with boxes and shopping bags. The girls are all wearing the same outfits, except for Kerry Sue, who now has on a light rosy blouse, a pair of form-fitting blanched blue jeans, and a glossy snakeskin belt that matches her shoes. The Sues soon notice Tweek and begin to hover over him, much to Wendy’s chagrin.]
Carrie Sue: Hey Tweek. Fancy meeting you here.
Tweek: [swallows hard] Um, uh—hi.
Wendy: [glaring at them] What the hell do you want? [It is then that she notices that somehow, Sherry Sue looks a couple inches taller than she did the previous day.]
Sherry Sue: [ignoring Wendy] No need to be nervous, lover boy. [She makes a throat clicking sound that almost resembles a purr.] But I do like a guy with spunk.
Mary Sue: Now, now. [Jangles her gemstone bracelets] I saw him first.
Wendy: Hold on a minute! Back off! In case you didn’t notice, Tweek is with me! Just what are you trying to pull here??
Terri Sue: Like, calm down. There’s no need to take that tone. There isn’t like, some rule that says a guy can only be with one girl.
Wendy: What the? What are you…? [Shakes Tweek] Tweek, at least say something!
[Tweek’s eyes have gone blank and his jaw is hanging slack as he remains fixated on the Sue girls.]
Wendy: But wait, what does Gary have to say about all this?
Berry Sue: [lowering her voice and getting in Wendy’s face] If you truly think Gary is the one in charge, or that he has any say in what we can or cannot do, you are sorely mistaken.
Cherry Sue: Here watch. [Calling out sweetly] Hey Gary! Would you be a luv and take those home for us?
Gary: [grunting] A-anything for you, my dear! [Walks off toting the merchandise]
Wendy: How did--?
Mary Sue: Face it, toots, you know that Tweek would be better off with any one of us. After all, what could you possibly offer him that we can’t? You’re out of your league and out of your element.
Carrie Sue: Now then Tweek, where were we? [She places her hands on Tweek’s thighs and gazes into his eyes]
Wendy: Look, I don’t know how you do things where you come from, but around here…! [Interposes and tries to push Carrie away] Back off!
Carrie Sue: [dire tone] Wench, lay not your hands upon me!
[Suddenly Wendy feels herself being launched through the air as if a giant invisible fist just slammed into her stomach. She tumbles head over heels, sailing over the back of the bench and into the fountain, where she falls with a splash, banging her head against the central spigot in the process.]
Mary Sue: [taking Tweek’s hand] Well then. Shall we go?
Tweek: [nodding excitedly] Uhhuhlesgo.
[The Sue girls walk off with an entranced Tweek in tow. Wendy surfaces and spits out a mouthful of pennies.]
Wendy: Tweek! You can’t just leave me here! Don’t go! Tweek! Tweek!!
[An intense throbbing in the back of her head almost causes Wendy to black out. She tries to wade her way over to the edge of the fountain, but stumbles and falls instead. Her mind still cannot grasp what just happened to her, how everything including her dignity had been wrenched away, leaving her to choke on her own despair. Wendy struggles once again but is unable to grab a hold of the slippery rim of the fountain. She once again finds herself facedown in the churning waters, until two pairs of hands reach in to grab her around the wrists and pull her out.]
Wendy: [coughing] Th-thanks. I thought I was going to pass out and drown in… [She looks up to discover the identity of her rescuers.] Bebe? Rebecca and Kelly? What are you doing here?
Bebe: You’re lucky that we happened to be here.
Rebecca: Oh dear, you’re soaking wet. We’d better get you home and into some clean dry clothes before hypothermia sets in and it weakens your immune system.
Wendy: [wringing out her beret] But what were you doing here anyway? How did you manage to find me when you did?
Kelly: Well, you see, the thing about that is—we were kind of following the new girls around [pauses for a second] hoping they’d let us be their friends. [Quickly holds up her hands defensively] I-it’s not what you think!
Bebe: It’s nothing against you personally, Wendy, it’s just that we figured we stand a better chance if we get on their good side. The thing is, there’s not much we can do otherwise. Like earlier today, when I caught Terri Sue hitting on Kyle and I confronted her about it, you know what she did? She took her tiara and threw it at my face! [Rubs her forehead] And that tiara really hurts!
Rebecca: [wrings her hands] It’s not like we have many other options. It’s like the Darwinian struggle of survival of the fittest. We can’t possibly compete with them, so we might as well cooperate with them.
Wendy: Are you listening to what you’re saying? We can’t just sit back while they walk all over us!
Kelly: But Wendy, get real! You’ve seen what they’re capable of. The most we can hope for now in terms of social status is whatever scraps they leave us. It’s better than nothing!
[Wendy sighs and laments to herself as her friends walk her home.]
Wendy: Why do these things always happen to me?
[At school the next day, Wendy is speaking with her friends before class starts. However there is little they can say to console her after what happened previously.]
Bebe: Maybe you should try talking to Gary about it.
Wendy: But that… I don’t know. He thinks he’s the one in charge, but from what I’ve seen it seems to be the other way around.
Kelly: Have you tried talking to him when they’re not around?
Rebecca: But that wouldn’t be feasible. I don’t think Gary ever lets them out of his sight for very long.
Bebe: [whispering to Wendy as Gary approaches] Wait, here he comes! And I don’t see them anywhere near him. Now’s your chance.
Wendy: Uh, excuse me, Gary? We need to talk. Do you have a minute?
Gary: [derisively] Oh, look what’s trying to talk to me. [Turns away dismissively] I don’t recall saying that I was interested in anything you have to say.
Wendy: Gary, wait!
[Wendy tries to grab his hand, but he pulls away at the last second, following it up with a slap to her face. As Wendy recoils in shock, holding her hand up to the red mark left on her cheek, Gary tilts up his chin and glares daggers down on her.]
Gary: Do not touch me! I would never let one as unworthy and inadequate as you the privilege!
Wendy: W-what are you talking about? What’s gotten into you?
Gary: You know what? In a perfect world, the weaker gender would be seen and not heard, and would not to speak unless spoken to. It is skanks like you, who don’t know their place, that are tearing apart the sacred family institution that has held our nation together since its founding! This is precisely what’s causing all the moral degradation in society today!
Wendy: But I just wanted to…
Gary: [sweeps his hand] Enough! I’m through with you. [His eight girlfriends arrive at that moment. He is about to meet up with them when he turns to add one more thing.] You know why nobody will ever like you? You never know when to shut up, to be properly submissive, or to listen to your betters when they’re speaking to you! You think too much about things that are none of your goddamn business.
[Gary walks off in a huff, with the eight Sue girls clinging to him on both sides as they escort him away. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman show up at that moment to find Wendy still wearing an expression of shock on her face.]
Stan: I heard yelling! What’s going on here?
[Wendy meets Stan’s eyes for a second, looking on the verge of tears, but quickly turns away.]
Kyle: Oh. It was Gary again, right?
Bebe: Yeah, he’s been saying stuff like that to us too.
Stan: [sighs] I wonder what set him off this time.
Cartman: Heh, heh, I’ll bet it was that fight he got into with his parents yesterday. It’s been going around that he’s been arguing with them all the time over the past few days. Oh man, I wish I’d been there to see it!
Stan: That’s odd. It’s never been like him to take out his personal problems on others. Then again, with things always having been perfect for him, he never did have many personal problems before. [Muses] Maybe I should pay him a visit later and find out for myself what’s going on.
Cartman: [starts walking off] Hey, suit yourself, if you miss your boyfriend that badly.
Kenny: [heading for the restroom] (Yeah, and uh, you guys go on to class without me. I’ll meet up with you at lunch period.)
Kyle: [sighs] Not again—
[Later that afternoon, we join Stan as he walks up to the Harrison residence. No sooner does he reach the front walkway than he hears the uncharacteristic sounds of yelling and screaming coming from inside. Upon taking a closer look, Stan can see the silhouettes of Gary’s parents standing just inside the family room window.]
Mr. Harrison: …How could you, after all we talked about, get involved with people like this? Don’t you think there was a reason we were trying to warn you about them??
[Cut to an inside shot of the family room, where Gary is arguing defiantly with both his parents. The view pans over to reveal that the eight Sues are standing in a semicircle behind him, offering him moral support.]
Gary: This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life and the two of you can’t even be supportive of me! Why can’t you understand?
Karen Harrison: Gary, listen to yourself! You’ve been brainwashed into a dangerous cult! The way you’re acting, the way you’ve been treating those around you, none of this is like you! [Desperately] Please Gary, get out of this while you still can! Come back to the Gary we used to know, then everything can get back to normal.
Mr. Harrison: Why do you think the Latter-Day Saints abandoned this evil practice? It only ends up creating jealousy and tearing families apart! How long do you think you can keep this up before something bad happens?
Gary: [eyes narrowing into a harsh glare] I refuse to stay here and be the recipient of veiled threats! If you are going to be that intolerant of my newfound faith, if you are so narrow-minded that you see this only as an opportunity to force your beliefs on me, then maybe I’m better off without you! [He takes a step towards the door and the Sues follow.] I’m leaving!!
Karen Harrison: Gary, no! Where are you going to go?
Gary: [coldly] Somewhere where I don’t have to live under your totalitarian rule, that’s for certain. [He takes Mary Sue and Terri Sue by the arms.] Now let’s get the hell out of here.
Mr. Harrison: Gary! Come back!
[The door is slammed in Mr. Harrison’s face. Cut to an outside shot, where we see Gary as he storms down the walk with his harem of Sues, brushing past Stan without a word.]
Stan: Gary, wait up! You don’t have to… Gary! [Notices Gary is not listening] Dude, this is seriously f*cked up right here.
[The next day in school, the fourth grade class is already seated and talking amongst themselves. Gary’s seat, as well as the eight extra ones that had been added previously, are all conspicuously empty.]
Cartman: Heh, heh, I heard Gary’s finally gone off the deep end.
Bebe: I think those girls have him under some kind of mind control!
Wendy: Whatever the case, if he’s finally leaving, then I’m not going to miss him.
Kenny: [longingly] (Aww, but why does he have to take the new girls with him?)
Kyle: Come on, Kenny, you know what happens to you every time those girls are close by.
Kenny: (Yeah, yeah.) [Grins] (But it was so worth it!)
[Ms. Garrison takes her place in the front to deliver an announcement.]
Ms. Garrison: All right class, now as some of you may already know, Gary is being pulled out of South Park Elementary School and moving back to Utah. I know this change will be hard for you to adjust to, but as in all things, life goes on… [Pauses as she begins to lose her composure] Aw damnit!! Why do I have to lose my top student? Now all I’m left with once again is a class full of retards! [She slams her fist into the desk and starts sobbing, while the class just kind of stares at her.] It’s not fair!!
[Later that day during lunch period, Gary arrives, seemingly alone, to clean out his locker. Stan hesitates at first, but then walks up to meet him, although Gary doesn’t bother to make eye contact.]
Gary: Now what do you want?
Stan: It’s—I just want to know what this is all about. Why were you so angry with your parents?
Gary: [scoffs with a derisive chuckle] Not that it’s any of your business, but they’ve decided they can’t respect my newfound faith.
Stan: [sounding a bit surprised] What? Newfound faith? So you were fighting over religion?
Gary: That’s what I said. There’s no need to repeat everything back to me.
Stan: But I don’t get it. What’s there to fight over? When did this start?
Gary: You really don’t know, do you? Since you’re just as ignorant as the rest, I might as well tell you. You see, I recently found that the kind of Mormonism my family practices is heresy. Starting from back in the early decades of the 20th century…
[Flashback sequence to the year 1890. The musical montage begins to play as we see then LDS leader Wilford Woodruff issuing his “Great Accommodation” manifesto, which effectively banned plural marriages within the Mormon Church, while his 18 year old son, the apostle Abraham O. Woodruff, watches on.]
Wilford Woodruff: [as he’s writing] “…And I now publicly declare that my advice to the Latter-day Saints is to refrain from contracting any marriage forbidden by the law of the land.” There. It’s official. That ought to keep the federal government from seizing our temples.
Abraham Woodruff: But what about the Patriarchal Law of Abraham? Didn’t you promise just last year that you would protect our church’s practice of polygamy from attacks by the feds?
Wilford Woodruff: It’s a small price to pay so that the Supreme Court doesn’t step in and deny us our constitutional rights. They’ve even threatened to repeal our church’s charter and dissolve the church. Right now, an all out war with federal agents is the last thing I want to have happen. I think our people have suffered enough, after all.
Abraham Woodruff: But how can you go against a centuries old sacred practice, especially one that was delivered to Joseph Smith by Jesus Christ himself, just like that?
Wilford Woodruff: Uh, it’s simple! I received a revelation from God saying that it was time to suspend the solemnization of plural marriages. So if God says so, then it makes no difference what God said before!
Choir: Dum, dum, dum, dum, dumb…
Abraham Woodruff: So—you’re saying that an infallible God sometimes has to change his mind about what laws people should follow?
Wilford Woodruff: [waving his finger] Yes! Precisely!
Abraham Woodruff: Well, I guess if God said so, then it has to make sense.
[Flash forward to the year 1935. Two excommunicated Mormons, John Y. Barlow and Joseph White Musser, have gathered their followers in Hildale, Utah.]
John Barlow: Our own church sold us out when they banned plural marriage in the so-called “Great Accommodation”! The sacred doctrine of the plurality of wives, as set down by Joseph Smith himself, is a requirement for the highest form of eternal salvation!
Joseph Musser: Yeah! Everyone knows you can’t get into heaven unless you marry at least three women!
Choir: Dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
John Barlow: But we’ll show them! By keeping the tradition alive, we are the only true successors to Joseph Smith’s original Church! [Cheers rise from those gathered.]
Joseph Musser: We’ll set up our Fundamentalist Mormon church right here, where we can practice our faith free from persecution by the outside world! No longer will the federal government trample on our freedom of religion!
John Barlow: [aside to Musser] Ah now, don’t be naïve. Everyone knows that only applies to Protestants.
Joseph Musser: Oh, right, right.
John Barlow: [aloud] Now then. Who wants to marry off their 13-year old daughters!!
[Hands shoot up from among the crowd. Several young girls, barely into their teens, are jerked to the front of the crowd and held on display like heads of cattle. The men at the front of the crowd pull out fistfuls of cash and start bidding money on them, while Musser and Barlow oversee the auction.]
Guy in Crowd: I’ll bid on that one! She almost reminds me of my own daughter.
Girl on Auction: No daddy, it IS me!
Choir: And that’s how the FLDS church was founded, dum, dum, dum, dum, DUMB!
Dum, de, dum, dum, dum-dum-dumb,
Dum, dum, dum-dum-dumb,
Dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dumb! DUMB!
[The flashback sequence ends. Stan is left with a disgusted look on his face.]
Stan: What an—awful story!
Gary: [oblivious to his reaction] That’s why I can’t stand to be around my parents anymore! If they refuse to understand, and if they wish to deny me the one true path to the highest form of eternal salvation, then I have no choice but to move to the compound the Original Mormons have set up in Hildale, Utah.
[Without another word, Gary slams his locker and turns his back on Stan. The eight Sue girls gather around him and escort him from the school.]
[Later that day, outside the Harrison residence, several FLDS members are helping Gary move his belongings out of his home and into back of the van they have provided. The four boys have shown up to watch Gary move away, each having their own reasons for seeing him off. Kenny looks exhausted and has his sprained right arm in a makeshift sling, although he tries to keep his attention off of the eight Sue girls waiting for Gary in the back seat of the van.]
Mr. Harrison: Gary, please, you don’t have to do this!
Mark Harrison: Gary, think about what this is doing to your family!
Gary: [pausing to set down his suitcase] I don’t want or need my so-called family now. The Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints is my true family now.
Karen Harrison: [calling out desperately] But—no! Y-your family is the people who raised you and took care of you when you needed them to!
Gary: A real family would respect my faith and newfound love, and never persecute me for my beliefs! [He turns his back and lowers his gaze.] This is goodbye.
Mary Sue: [from the back seat] Come on inside Gary, there’s plenty of room.
[Pan over to Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman as we hear the rear passenger door of the van slam shut and the sounds of the girls giggling from the inside.]
Kyle: Damn. Whatever happened to honoring your mother and father?
Cartman: [nonchalantly] Yep, it looks like we finally got rid of the annoying Mormon upstart for good.
Kyle: Oh really? But I thought you went back to liking him again just yesterday.
Cartman: Pssht. Whatever. At least he’s gone.
Kenny: [becoming teary-eyed as the van with the Sues pulls away] (Parting is such sweet sorrow.)
[Gary’s despondent family is now standing on the curbside, watching the van drive away into the distance. Stan can only quietly shake his head as he attempts to suppress his pangs of guilt. This is none of his business, there’s nothing he can do about it, and saying something at an inappropriate time like this would likely only make things worse.]
Stan: Looks like there’s no changing his mind once he’s made it up. [Walks away]
[End of Chapter 2]
But at least you know.
For example, you seem to think that the words "penis" and "diarrhea" are the funniest things in the world, especially when blurted out in the middle of conversations on other topics. But they're funny for a reason. One is a reproductive organ and the other is a bodily dysfunction. Obviously it's absurd to think that your "penis" is related to every topic out there, or that a person (like yourself) would have such incessant "diarrhea", hence it's funny (at least to you).
For the record, SP does not have just one or the other as far as its content goes. It has both reality-grounded satire and random craziness, as it has from the start. I may lean heavily towards the former, but that doesn't mean that I've completely neglected the latter, depending on how you look at it. This particular fic was modeled directly after the original Mormons episode, which was a historic-based satire with reality-grounded humor, so if you didn't like that episode, you probably won't appreciate this story either.
Oh and by the way, rehashing jokes that have already been done, exactly as they were originally done, or trying to make a joke out of 100% random elements that have little to no relevance to the plot, aren't funny either.
[We open to a shot of Highway 59 leading into Hildale, Utah on the Utah-Arizona border, joining Gary as he arrives at the Fundamentalist Mormon compound that evening. The twin-towns area looks like any other rural community, with clusters of small buildings amid rolling plains set against a low-lying range of hills to the south. The van pulls up in front of a white two-story house and Isaac Jeffs opens the door to let Gary out. Sherry looks a couple of inches taller than she did previously, and Kerry’s outfit has changed to a glossy loose-fitting sapphire blouse with matching pants, a gold chain necklace with a cross ornament, ebony high-heel shoes, and yin-yang symbols painted on her nails.]
Isaac Jeffs: This will be your new home, where you will live with your eight arranged girlfriends. You will be attending Three Falls Elementary School, which is just a short walk down the road from here.
Gary: My new home, huh? [Looks over the house] I like the sound of that.
Isaac Jeffs: First things first though. I must inform you that we do things a little differently around here from what you’re normally used to. As you already know, we Original Mormons have always lived with the constant threat of persecution and federal litigation. Because the outside world is corrupt and evil, and seeks to destroy our way of life, we require our followers to give up all forms of outside communication. This includes such vices as television, phones, and the Internet.
Gary: You mean I have to give up all contact with the outside world?
Isaac Jeffs: Yes. We must all be willing to make sacrifices in order to walk the one true path to eternal salvation.
Gary: But I—I dunno.
Mary Sue: Oh Gary, forget about those things. [Pulls Gary closer] You don’t need them anymore.
Sherry Sue: That’s right, Gary. [Purrs in his ear] In fact, why don’t I show you that you don’t need things like TV or computers to keep you happy?
Gary: Uh, I uh, well—
Isaac Jeffs: Sure, why don’t you go on inside and check out the master bedroom? [Nudge, nudge, wink, wink] We can finish moving you in after you’ve had some time to—get acquainted.
Gary: Wait, I…
Sherry Sue: Shh. [Places her finger over Gary’s lips] No need to be nervous.
[Sherry literally sweeps Gary off his feet and carries him through the front door and up the stairs. With superhuman strength, she throws him to the bed, crawls up, and begins stroking Gary’s face. He panics and backs into the headboard.]
Gary: Umm, what are you doing?
Sherry: [Smiling] Nothing much, really.
Gary: Sherry stop it, you’re scaring me.
[Sherry gets on top of him, planting her lips against his before he can say another word. Her hands ride up his thighs, tugging at his briefs with her fingertips. Gary’s first instinct is to scream or cry, but a hazy sensation prevents him from thrashing as Sherry holds him down and tries to kiss him. Sherry puts her hands on his lean thighs, sliding her hands up to his stomach and laughing. A strong pheromone scent brings tears to Gary’s eyes, even though he still finds himself unable to resist.]
Gary: [groggily] Wait, stop, I… Wh-what was I saying?
[Sherry does not stop though. She keeps going, and the tears of irritation continue to flow from Gary’s eyes. Gary tries to say something, but just keeps lying there confused. Sherry’s warm hands are still on his bare stomach, underneath his crumpled up shirt. His eyes begin to close as she kisses him, and when he opens them again, he finds Sherry under the covers and on top of him. He can see his briefs on the floor nearby as Sherry lifts his shirt over his head, grinning.]
Gary: What are you trying to…? Wait, don’t you think it’s a little early for…?
Sherry: Don’t think. Just go with it.
[Sherry pulls the covers over the two of them, even as Gary seems oblivious to the fact that long green tentacles have emerged from her back and begun to coil around him. He tries to say something, but his brain refuses to allow him to form coherent words. Gary finds himself feeling weaker, weaker, and weaker, before he finally gives in completely.]
[Cut to the outside view of the bedroom door at the last second. The sounds of the headboard thumping repeatedly into the wall, and what seems to be futile whimpering, can be heard. The other seven girls have their ears propped against the door, listening.]
[Several hours pass.]
[Cut back to the inside of the bedroom when Gary finally wakes up. The sheets are all scrunched and torn up, as if they were ripped or possibly shredded with very sharp claws, and Gary has numerous suction cup marks all over his face and upper body. Sherry has a huge grin on her face, while Gary looks somewhat catatonic.]
Sherry: [calling softly] Gary. Was it good for you?
Gary: [babbling incoherently] Lol china…
Sherry: Mmm, thought so.
[The rest of the night continues in much the same way, with the Sue girls passing a very confused, very delirious Gary on to the next like a party favor. The first brief shot we see shows a Gary being pounced on by Berry Sue in front of the unlit fireplace, which flares up on its own seconds later. The second shot shows Gary having his clothes yanked off by an unseen force as he floats in the air over Carrie Sue’s bed. The third shows Gary bound up by his wrists and ankles by kudzu vines that seem to be growing out from the floor itself in Cherry Sue’s room.]
Cherry Sue: Well Gary, are you ready for your lesson on flowers and bees? It’s all about pollination, you know.
Gary: [meekly] Erp…
[The fourth shot shows Gary soaking in the hot tub with Jerri Sue, who seems to have sprouted fins in the place of her legs. The fifth shows Kerry Sue changing into a skimpy rose-colored negligee with a wave of her finger as she approaches Gary. The sixth shows Terry Sue disrobing in front of Gary, who is tied down with what appear to be ribbons, although at the very last second the view cuts to black and flashes the message, “Censored by DiC Entertainment.” The final shot has Gary, or at least what’s left of him, lying helpless on a four-poster Egyptian style bed as Mary Sue walks in and pulls the curtain shut.]
[The next day the doorbell rings. Gary tumbles out of Mary Sue’s four-poster bed and lands face first on the floor, before hastily putting on slippers and a bathrobe and limping downstairs to answer the door.]
Gary: [walking funny] Ouch—ah—ow… [Opens the door] Hello?
Isaac Jeffs: Good afternoon, Gary.
Gary: Afternoon? Oh no! [Looks around frantically] What time is it? I’m sorry! I must have overslept!
Isaac Jeffs: I’ll say. I’ve been trying to drop by on a regular basis, but you haven’t answered the doorbell in three days! For a while we thought something happened to you. Anyway, get dressed. After we finish moving you in, it’s time to take you on your first tour of the FLDS compound!
Gary: Uh, sure, okay.
[Back in South Park at the bus stop, where we briefly join Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman.]
Stan: Hey guys, I was kind of wondering, you know—whatever happened to Gary?
Kyle: Oh, you mean He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. [Laughs along with Kenny and Cartman]
Cartman: What’s the matter? Does Stan feel a longing in his heart to be reunited with his one true love? [Stan smacks him.] Owww!!
Stan: It’s just that after what happened, I couldn’t help but think about what his family must be going through, especially after seeing how far off the deep end Gary went. He’s probably been brainwashed beyond recognition by now.
Kyle: Dude, just let it go already. This was his decision and his own free choice the whole way. Whatever happens to him, the consequences are his to deal with. Hell, I’m not going to miss him after what he did. If you ask me, that kid and the Fundamentalist Mormons deserve each other.
Stan: I don’t know. I mean, he obviously wasn’t thinking very clearly, and by now he’s probably way in over his head, not realizing what he was getting himself into. Gary is just going to get himself screwed over in the end.
Kenny: (Oh man, how I wish I could take his place.)
Stan: What was that?
Kenny: [rolling his eyes] (Oh nothing.)
Cartman: All right, f*ck him. Seriously, just f*ck him. He was an ass, but now he’s gone, there’s nothing you can do about it, and he’s not really worth it. So f*ck him.
Kyle: I agree with Cartman. f*ck him.
Kenny: (Yeah. I had a good thing going and he took it away. So f*ck him.)
[Stan remains quiet for a second before sighing heavily. The bus finally pulls up and the boys step on board. Cartman glances over at Stan once they are seated.]
Cartman: Did I mention f*ck him?
Stan: I GET it already!
[Meanwhile, in Hildale, Utah, Isaac Jeffs continues to show Gary around, taking him into the small modest-looking temple, which is about the size of a typical rural church.]
Isaac Jeffs: Here is one of our houses of worship. It’s not as large as the temple we’re building in El Dorado, Texas though, at least not on the surface.
Gary: What do you mean?
[Isaac Jeffs leads Gary to the altar up front, sticks his hand up between the legs of a marble cherubim statue, and pushes the concealed switch. With a rumbling noise the altar slides aside to reveal, as one might expect, a hidden staircase leading down.]
Isaac Jeffs: Follow me.
[Gary is taken into a darkened, yet sterile-looking underground structure, resembling some kind of bizarre laboratory. Lining the tables is a number of microscopes, electrophoresis devices, centrifuges, and all sorts of DNA splicing equipment.]
Gary: What is this place? It looks like a forensics lab down here.
Isaac Jeffs: Close. [Proudly] This is our secret genetics research lab. You see, over the past decade we discovered that our small communities were suffering from a rare genetic condition known as fumarase deficiency, which causes certain—developmental defects. Making matters worse was a declining birthrate, where not nearly enough females were born to fulfill our divinely mandated sacred doctrine. It had even gotten to the point where we had to excommunicate the surplus boys to ensure that there were enough young girls to go around.
Gary: [nodding] Makes sense. But exactly what kind of research were you doing here?
Isaac Jeffs: Only that which is of utmost importance in the eyes of God. After years of testing, we have developed a method of human cloning that allows us to take baseline genetic samples from plain, ordinary girls with inferiority complexes, and engineer enhanced replicas that are perfect in every imaginable way. We have dubbed it “Project Sue” after the first girl to be successfully cloned. Your arranged girlfriend Mary Sue is in fact derived from the very same genetic line.
Gary: There’s still something I don’t understand though. If the girls are all clones then why aren’t they all identical?
Isaac Jeffs: For the sake of variability. Obviously we created enhanced replicas from more than just one sample. In fact, there was virtually a flood of applications a couple years back from ordinary girls who believed that their own perfected clones should get all the attention. The trend seems to have died down since then though, because for some reason as time went by, these same applicants came to believe that the boys were actually gay and therefore not interested in them. [Scoffs] I have no idea where they got that idea.
[Isaac Jeffs takes Gary into the furthest chamber of the laboratory: a giant circular room with a central observation platform, surrounded by a moat of what appears to be orange Tang mix. When the lights come on, Gary can see that the wall of the room is actually a large semicircular suspension tank, in which hundreds of naked Sue clones in fetal positions are floating in even more orange Tang mix.]
Gary: Does something smell like citrus?
Isaac Jeffs: This is where we grow the clones until they are ready to be assigned a husband. One of our proudest achievements yet was the splicing of alien and human DNA to develop of a genetic line of girls with an accelerated growth and maturation rate. Your own Sherry Sue was one of these experimental girls. We’ve also had limited success splicing in genes from a bluefin tuna, just because we can. I think we may have assigned one of those to you as well.
Gary: That’s great, but why show me all this?
Isaac Jeffs: As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, we’re interested in you for the superior genes you can contribute to the pool. You certainly seem gifted in all respects, and we need more strong healthy specimens like you. Our interest in you goes farther than that though. Surely you don’t think that all of the… How shall I put it? …Unique traits that your girls possess are just for show, do you?
Gary: Well, I hadn’t really given it much thought.
Isaac Jeffs: Gary, I’m going to be frank with you. Our church is currently in a state of turmoil. With the arrest of our absolute ruler Warren Jeffs, the prophet and direct blood descendent of both Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith, we have no one to lead us in these troubled times. The government has extradited him back to Utah, but we are still not allowed any contact with him, and without his guidance, we are lost. This is where you and the Sues come into the picture. [He gets down on one knee to Gary’s level.] You are to be part of a covert operation to spring our leader, my older brother Warren Jeffs, from the federal penitentiary where he is being held.
Gary: [somewhat surprised] You want me to free Warren Jeffs?
Isaac Jeffs: Would you refuse to do your sacred duty to our church, after all we have done for you?
Gary: No, it’s not that. It’s just that I never expected that you would have that level of faith in me.
Isaac Jeffs: You’re certainly an exceptional individual, Gary, and the girls we have arranged to be with you are the best specimens we have to offer.
Gary: In that case—I’ll do it! I promise I won’t let you or the True Church of Latter-Day Saints down!
[South Park later that day. Wendy, Rebecca, and Kelly are hanging out with Bebe at her house.]
Bebe: So have you managed to work things out between you and Tweek?
Wendy: Yeah, pretty much. He seemed like he was too embarrassed to talk to me for a couple of days, but yesterday he called me and apologized profusely for what happened.
Kelly: Are you upset with him?
Wendy: Well no. I think we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and besides, I know whose fault it really is. Tweek really wanted to make it up to me, so he asked me out again tonight, before giving me this. [Takes out a small coffee bag with a ribbon stuck to it]
Bebe: What is it?
Wendy: [reading the label] Genuine Mauna Loa grown Kona Blend. [Shrugs] At least it’s the thought that counts.
Rebecca: Speaking of which, I’m glad that those girls are no longer hitting on Craig. Earlier this week I spied that Jerri Sue girl trying to win Craig over with an “expensive gift,” which turned out to be a tin of caviar. The weird thing is that I overheard Jerri telling Craig to try not to think too hard about where it came from.
Kelly: Oh well. [Scratches her nose] At least now things can finally get back to normal, now that we don’t have to compete with those girls who think they’re “perfect” or better than everyone else.
Wendy, Bebe, and Rebecca: Yeah.
[The Marsh residence, where the four boys are watching the 4Kids dub of “One Piece” on TV. Stan still looks quite preoccupied.]
Nami: [on screen] Zolo, what happened to you? You’re completely covered in ‘sweat’!
Zolo: [clutching a wound in his chest] It’s nothing, really.
Nami: You stay right here. I’m going to see if we have any rubbing ‘juice’ to clean up those wounds!
[Pan back over to the boys.]
Kyle: Damn, this is lame. Is there any kid nowadays who hasn’t already seen plenty of blood in real life already? [Kenny gives him a self-conscious look.] Why the hell do they have to censor it out?
Stan: Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I just can’t stop thinking about certain things that have been going on.
Kyle: Stan, dude, I told you, let it go. You can’t keep worrying yourself about things you can’t control.
Stan: But I… Ah, maybe you’re right. Maybe it would be best if I just didn’t care so much about it anymore.
Cartman: Geez Stan, it took you this long to figure it out?
Kenny: (And besides, having eight knockout girls on hand everywhere he goes?) [Smiles dreamily] (I’d be in heaven!)
Kyle: [laughing] Uh oh, I think we’re losing Kenny again!
[There is a knock at the door. Stan sighs and gets up to answer it, but to his surprise, he finds Mr. and Mrs. Harrison standing on the other side. There are dark circles under their bloodshot eyes and their normally perfectly groomed hair is somewhat unkempt. They look as if they have been crying for some time.]
Stan: Whoa, what the? Uh, I mean, what are you doing here?
Mr. Harrison: [sounding choked up] Hi Stan. Can we come in?
[The Harrisons have taken seats in the living room as Stan hears them out, although the other boys are a little resentful at having their afternoon interrupted.]
Mr. Harrison: I—I know you and your family no longer want anything to do with us, but we didn’t know who else to turn to.
Stan: [shifting uncomfortably] Uh, you see, about that—I really didn’t mean for that…
Karen Harrison: It’s just that we haven’t heard from Gary ever since he’s been gone, and we’ve been worried sick about him! [She recoils slightly as if self-conscious about sounding unintentionally desperate.]
Mr. Harrison: It’s been several days, but it seems like an eternity! We’ve never been separated from Gary for this long! And when I think about the kind of people he’s run off with, I can only imagine the worst.
Karen Harrison: Gary must feel so alone, helpless, and confused right now! [Turns to her husband] Oh, just think. He must miss us as much as we miss him!
Mr. Harrison: That’s why we were—hoping you could help us. You see—you were the only real friend Gary ever had. And if anyone could get through to him, it’s you.
Stan: WHAT?? Why me?
Kenny: [under his breath] (Now if only one of us were a hyperactive ninja with a talent for knocking sense into people…) [The others give him a very strange look.] (Why are you looking at me like that?)
Mr. Harrison: Please. We implore you. If you could just find out where Gary is staying and try to talk some sense in to him. If anyone can get through to him, it’s you.
[Pan back over to the TV, which is showing a scene from “One Piece” at the Marines’ pirate detention center. One of the Marines is waving a strange looking weapon around threateningly.]
Marine: Back to your cells! Don’t make me squirt you with this super soaker!
[An emergency news broadcast cuts in.]
Newscaster: We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news! [A stock picture of a jail cell appears in the corner, with the caption “Prison Break!”] We have just confirmed that a prison break plot is underway at the Utah federal penitentiary! As some of you may remember, this is the prison where notorious pedophile and religious cult leader Warren Jeffs is being held. This was the scene just minutes ago.
[Black and white security footage, courtesy of the federal prison, is now shown. The security guards have taken up positions and are firing on the intruders, but are being taken out in short order by what appear to be swirling jets of flame and beams of pure energy. A blur swoops in front of the camera, and with a bright flash the view goes to static. Cut back to the newsroom.]
Newscaster: The group attacking the penitentiary appears to be made up of… [Does a double take at the report] Wait, that can’t be right. A gang of children? [Clears his throat] Uh, yes you heard it folks. A gang of children! The ringleader has been described as a clean-cut boy between the ages of 8 and 10, with blond hair, wearing a light blue collared shirt over a white undershirt, and black pants and shoes.
Stan: What did he say? [Thinks for a second] Oh no, it couldn’t be. Gary??
Newscaster: This strange group seems to be wielding weapons of unknown origin. Local authorities have been alerted, and a National Guard unit has been dispatched. We are still awaiting descriptions of the other eight suspects…
Kenny: (Other eight?) [Bounces up and down frantically] (It’s those girls! Those girls must be there with him!)
Stan: Oh no. It couldn’t be.
Kyle: Dude, what the hell is that kid up to now? Is he f*cking nuts?
Cartman: [scoffs] I knew he’d turn out this way all along. Aren’t you glad you dumped him when you had the chance, Stan?
Karen Harrison: [Aside, pulling her husband close] Oh no Gary, how could you?
Mr. Harrison: Stan—please! [Chokes up] Gary could get hurt, even killed! You have to stop him! As long as there’s a chance he’ll listen to you… You have to save my son!
[The view zooms in on Stan’s expression of wide-eyed uncertainty, although that abruptly changes into a hardened glare of determination when he finally makes up his mind. Cut to the scene a short time later, as Stan is running down the street towards the bus stop, practically having to drag Kyle and Cartman along the whole way, while Kenny just tags along as usual.]
Cartman: Ow! Ey! [Tries to tug his wrist free from Stan’s grip] Let up already! I don’t see why the hell we have to come along too!
Kyle: Yeah, I mean, could you please explain to me why exactly we’re risking our necks to help this little psychopath?
Stan: He’s our friend, damnit! We have to at least try to do something before this gets too far out of hand!
Cartman: No Stan, he’s YOUR goddamn friend! I don’t know about you guys, but I still can’t stand him!
Kyle: [sounding insulted] That’s right! Besides, I have to wonder whether you would ever go to the same lengths for your best friend, Stan. You know when Gary first moved here, you practically ignored me the whole time!
Kenny: [raises his hand] (Well, I’ll come along if you want. But uh, I can’t go anywhere near those girls without uh—well, you know how it is.)
[The boys arrive at the bus stop just in time as the bus pulls up and the doors swing open.]
Stan: Look, don’t worry about it. [Climbs up the first step and motions for the others to follow] I have a plan.
[Meanwhile, the fight outside the prison continues unabated. Gary is directing the girls, even though the nervous look on his face betrays his uncertainty. The bodies of several dead or unconscious guards are strewn about the prison yard, a nearby guard tower has been reduced to smoking rubble, and multiple fires continue to smolder.]
Gary: Uh, are you sure all this is necessary? Couldn’t we just have broken in and taken Warren Jeffs?
Mary Sue: Now Gary, you know there can never be any mercy for those who oppose the will of the Lord. Prison walls must never again contain the great prophet!
[Jerri Sue places her hand on her chest and subjects the prison guards to her hypnotic vocals, causing them to freeze in place and drop their weapons as they become mesmerized. Next, Kerry Sue magically enchants the guards’ clothing, transforming their neckties into gorgets that tighten around their necks. Carrie Sue steps forward with her brow knot in a sadistic glare, raises her hands over her head, and brings them down to her sides, triggering a conflagration all around her and sending several guards running away aflame. Finally Cherry Sue follows up by gesturing towards the prison lawn, sprouting constricting vines from her arms that entangle several more guards and begin to slowly suffocate them.]
Gary: All right! I think we’ve proven our point. Let’s just do what we came for.
[At that moment, a National Guard platoon finally arrives on the scene. They take up positions behind the debris and open fire on the intruders.]
Mary Sue: We eagerly await your orders, Gary.
Gary: I don’t know! Those National Guardsmen are blocking our way, but…!
Kerry Sue: Whatever you say, Gary.
[Kerry Sue gives a wave of her finger and her clothes are instantly transfigured. She stands revealed in tight leather biker pants with a glossy black finish, along with matching boots that come halfway up her shins, a leather jacket studded along the seams over a form-fitting white undershirt, fingerless black strap-on gloves, and a navy blue bandana tied around her forehead.]
Berry Sue: Your wish is my command, Gary. [Zoom in to a quick closeup of her face as a bright glow envelops her.]
Singers: WearetheSues! WearetheSues!
[Berry Sue spins down into a fireball, which explodes in a white flash. She claps her hands overhead and crosses them, causing her sparkly periwinkle sleeves and top to burn into place, along with a gold jewel at her chest, and a matching skirt and ankle boots. Her cyan wings with teal tips stretch out, and a small golden tiara with rounded points flashes onto her head. She flies upwards and traces out a heart pattern with her fiery powers.]
Terri Sue: Right away, Gary. [Takes out her compact and yells into it] Sue Prism Power! Make Up!
Singers: Teeerrrri Sue!!
[We see a shot of Terri’s hand and her nails glow all sparkly as her brooch activates. She glows and spins around seemingly nude, as pink ribbons shoot out from her brooch and envelop her. Her previously blue and red Japanese schoolgirl uniform gradually changes to pink and yellow and becomes covered in hearts. Red hairpieces and white barrettes resembling feathers appear on her head. Finally she backflips and spins down into a fighting stance pose.]
Terri Sue: In the name of the Sues I will now punish you!
[Cut over to a couple of unsuspecting National Guardsmen.]
National Guardsman #1: [blinking twice] What the hell just happened? [An arcing crescent of light flies over his head and explodes a short distance behind him.] sh*t!
National Guardsman #2: [attempts to return fire] This isn’t what I had in mind when I signed on!
[The bus with the four boys aboard continues on its way to Utah. All the other seats have since been vacated, leaving them as the only remaining passengers.]
Bus Driver: So, whereabouts are you all headed? Visiting Salt Lake City?
Stan: Actually we need you to drop us off at the Utah federal penitentiary.
Bus Driver: What? There? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what’s happening there right now??
Stan: Look, this is very important! My friend is there, and he may be in trouble!
Bus Driver: [nervously] Kid, listen, if you want to go off and get yourself killed, that’s your business! As for me, I’m outta here! [The bus doors swing open and the wind begins to whip inside.]
Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait, what the hell are you doing??
[Without warning the bus driver gets up out of his seat, takes a running start, and bails out just as the bus crosses a low bridge, landing safely in the river below.]
Kyle: What is he f*cking crazy or something?
[The camera continues to follow the driver, floating downstream as he breathes a sigh of relief—until moments later he gets swept down a raging waterfall, letting out a high-pitched scream. The boys, unfortunately, are still left to fend for themselves.]
Stan: [running to the front and grabbing the wheel] Ah, I got it, I got it. [Checks his watch] I just hope we make it in time before Gary does anything stupid.
[End of Chapter 3]
But just because your storys are well written and effective, doesn't mean you can instantly lable as an imature flamer anyone who dares to criticise your work by exposing even the tinyest flaw in it's supposed 'perfection,' and it certainly doesn't justify insane leangth Ad Hominims and straw men (you didn't say i'm not funny, but I'm not, whatever you said, but it doesn't matter because your not funny either, so there!). With that in mind, could you please, please try to concider that it might be aragant to present obscure philosopies and scientific facts you know as such common knowledg amongst eight/nine year old that it needen't be explained to anyone with an IQ higher than the avarage bactiria.
And please don't drowning your next work in the same tired one-sided arguments against the same thing (M&T almost always present both sides, however unfairly, before you retort that you were just doing what SP always does), especially if you're going to present them as if no one's heard them a million times before in an overly drawn out, OC 'i learnt somethiong today' monologue.
Other than that, this was one of the best pieces of fanfic i've read in a while, so keep it up.
Not that i mean to suggest your a bad writer, quite the contrary; It just stinks that you take criticism of the flaws in your stories as though they were criticisms of you, as a person. And before you resort to the tired argument, problems can't be corrected by relabling them as just 'your style.'
PS. what's so wrong with Polygamy? As long as it works both ways, and evryone involved is a concenting adult, i don't know what's so wrong in it. Past civilisations didn't crumble into dust because of it, and it could actually help with the problems of adultry and cosequential divorce (which ruin so many childhoods). Don't bring moral arguments into this if you don't want to count the moral arguments against gays in the Book you so despise to count for anything. (I'm not in my 'right mind' before you ask).
Look up Warren Jeffs and find out why he was one of the FBI's most wanted. I would also recommend the book / documentary "Under the Banner of Heaven" by John Krakauer. I read it a while back and it served as the inspiration for this story. That and the recent trend of Sue-fic parodies spurred by the Sue flood that occurred on ff.net shortly before the current slash flood.
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