The Worst Fanfic Ever...haha.

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Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Fri Dec 07, 2007 5:32 am

Indigo Rose wrote:Glad to see you writing again! It seemed like Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were a bit too quick to fight, but otherwise it was good. Keep it up!


I'm back from my school-induced hiatus, too. Thanks for the critique. I think I gave them considerably shorter tempers to go along with the general 'punks are belligerent' stereotype for this fanfic... I'll be uploading some more writing when I get the laptop back from my brother and finish up with College Algebra class (it ends the coming Monday with finals, so yeah).

^ ^;

@ 203177- Thanks! I'll try to finish this up by the end of this year, hopefully by the time my birthday comes around before I go on vacation to the Bahamas.

@ polymorph- If you say so...

:|

@ THeDidNotKillKenny- Thanks!

@ marvel_freak_42- You're back! Yay! Anyways, thanks for taking the time to catch up...I know there was a lot, so yeah...
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Thu Dec 27, 2007 12:59 am

No, I didn't give up on the Fanfic...I've just been rather busy these days, and I just got over some minor Writer's Block.

= = =

Chapter 25: Bitter Defeat

Warblade sighed. She shuddered and cursed under her breath. How…how did we get our asses kicked? Why did we have to retreat?... she pondered to herself. She poked at the dried blood upon her forehead and shook her head dismally.

Kenny, Kyle, and Stan shuffled up to their leader, all surprisingly unscathed from the battle. Warblade looked up glumly at the three boys.

“It’s not over by a long shot,” Kyle told her, “This was just the first battle. The only battle that matters in the end is the final one- even if we lost skirmishes and other fights, we can still come out as victors if we crush them in a single, climatic conflict.”

“I guess you’re right,” Warblade muttered, “How are the others faring?”

Kenny brushed spots of dirty snow from his parka, and pointed down the alley. Warblade followed his finger across the pathetic scene.

“Most of our group is busy resting and tying up broken limbs and wounds. We’re not going to be able to fight for at least the rest of today,” he told her stoically.

Tom and Julie approached Warblade, somber and silent. Warblade glanced at them unhappily.

“What’s gotten done so far?” she asked them.

Tom nodded, “We’ve made about…half a dozen small Molotov cocktails, and a few big ones.”

Good…Warblade thought…that’ll last us for a few days. She shook her head again to clear her shaggy black hair from her face. Stan packed a snowball and handed it to Warblade. She promptly took it from him and slathered the mass over the left side of her face.

“Everyone! Listen up!” Warblade shouted weakly over the crowd, “I know that half of us are lying around trying not to screw up your broken bones and lose more blood all over the place…anyone who followed me out to fight gets to rest today and tonight. The rest of you…those who made weapons and strengthened our borders- you’re all on watch duty until sunrise tomorrow.”

Kyle motioned to Warblade, “You know…I’ll go and steal some bandages and stuff for everyone to use; we can’t get by forever with scraps of clothing fabric in this winter weather.”

Warblade smiled. Always thinking ahead, that smart boy…she admired him silently. Kenny followed Kyle and Stan up the back alley to sneak back out into town…
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
polymorph
Posts: 1007
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:57 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby polymorph » Thu Dec 27, 2007 1:12 am

Glad to see you writing again. Not much to say on that last chapter. Can't wait for the next.
Image
Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Thu Dec 27, 2007 1:13 am

polymorph wrote:Glad to see you writing again. Not much to say on that last chapter. Can't wait for the next.


Aw, thanks. That chapter is...uh...let's see...setting up for coming material. That's why it's so short.

:oops:
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
THeDidNotKillKenny
Posts: 76
Joined: Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:17 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby THeDidNotKillKenny » Thu Dec 27, 2007 1:51 am

I'm loving it. I read everything, and I think that, if South Park allowed more cursing, drug use, and over-the-top violence, this could be the next South Park movie! :lol:
BRMBug wrote:Every time I click on the title of this thread, I keep hoping the next thing I see is "...BOOBIES!!!"

BRMBug wrote:...How the hell can you write on a condom?
polymorph
Posts: 1007
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2006 11:57 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby polymorph » Thu Dec 27, 2007 1:54 am

THeDidNotKillKenny wrote:I'm loving it. I read everything, and I think that, if South Park allowed more cursing, drug use, and over-the-top violence, this could be the next South Park movie! :lol:

I think South Park has enough of that.
Image
Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Thu Dec 27, 2007 1:54 am

THeDidNotKillKenny wrote:I'm loving it. I read everything, and I think that, if South Park allowed more cursing, drug use, and over-the-top violence, this could be the next South Park movie! :lol:


Nah...Cartman is rather out-of-character (and the others are a lot more beligerent), and there's a bunch of outside characters that are needed to egg on the main conflict. I do give my fic credit for being fun to write, though.

:oops:
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
THeDidNotKillKenny
Posts: 76
Joined: Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:17 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby THeDidNotKillKenny » Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:28 am

Well, that's probably due to the fact I'm too kind.
BRMBug wrote:Every time I click on the title of this thread, I keep hoping the next thing I see is "...BOOBIES!!!"

BRMBug wrote:...How the hell can you write on a condom?
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:46 am

THeDidNotKillKenny wrote:Well, that's probably due to the fact I'm too kind.


Aww...thanks...

*hug*
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby 203177 » Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:50 am

Nice fic your writing skills are better than mine!" :o

Code:
Image
My favorite sp characters: Bridon(he's so cute!)
Kyle,Stan, Kenny/Mysterion.

Fave ep: ESM Season 12,Sec fave: Butterballs Season 16
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:56 am

203177 wrote:Nice fic your writing skills are better than mine!" :o

Code:
Image


Thanks...

^ ^;

Don't worry...writing skills and grammar improve over time if you read grammar books (yes, I'm that weird) and practice writing constantly!

:mrgreen:
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
south park fan collecter
Posts: 262
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 12:29 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby south park fan collecter » Thu Dec 27, 2007 4:06 am

edduyasha how come when i pm you never answer me anymore.
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: The Worst Fanfic Ever...haha.

Postby Edduyasha » Fri Dec 28, 2007 7:04 am

To anyone who's been reading this...I'm leaving (there's a thread over in Off-Topic about this). I'm going to come back under a new name sometime and finish this, but just leave this and let it die out.

Thanks, everyone.

Peace out.
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
THeDidNotKillKenny
Posts: 76
Joined: Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:17 am

Re: The Worst Fanfic Ever...haha.

Postby THeDidNotKillKenny » Sat Dec 29, 2007 2:06 pm

Aww girl...

*gives you a hug back*

Hope to see you back soon!
BRMBug wrote:Every time I click on the title of this thread, I keep hoping the next thing I see is "...BOOBIES!!!"

BRMBug wrote:...How the hell can you write on a condom?
calarovan
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2006 6:06 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby calarovan » Mon Mar 03, 2008 10:46 pm

Edduyasha wrote:
Indigo Rose wrote:No problem! It's just that some authors take any kind of criticism very personally, so I just wanted to make sure my advice wouldn't cause any hurt feelings.

Firstly, Warblade is one of the better original characters I've seen, but she could become a Mary Sue based on where you go with her. It's not a problem yet, but something to keep an eye on in the future.

Also, some of the violence (especially from the kids) seems a bit too gory to be realistic. Of course, the bar for violence in South Park fics is going to be WAAAY higher than other fandoms, but a few of the scenes go even beyond that level. I'd recomend just turning down the violence to make the scenes a bit more realistic.

Finally, some of the scenes are a bit too unrealistic to happen even in the South Park universe. For example, near the begining where Kyle gets hurt, it seems unlikly that a teacher wouldn't notice a student THAT injured in class. It's only small things like that, nothing too injured. I think you'll be fine if you just go back over the scenes you write and spend half a minute debating on their feasibility in the South Park universe.

I hope you'll find my advice even a little useful. Like I said, these are just minor things that I've noticed could use improvement. On the whole it's an excellent fic, and I've truly enjoyed reading it! Please don't give it up, you're doing the boards a great favor by giving us this fic to read.


Thanks for the critique...I'll be careful with my Warblade character...that's to be sure.

Concerning the violence...yeah. My point there is to push it past the limit, to give it a kind of dark, intense edge, if you may... It might not work for some people, but it's the feeling I want to get across... The main plot concerning the fight between the two groups of kids- is a hypothetical look at things if cliques and such got way out of hand...utter chaos and anarchy would result...so yeah...one can expect some more of it coming out of me...

After all, this is a nice way to pour out my anger rather than beating things in real life...

:oops:

^ ^;



This story rules don't change it and i haven't read anything that is unfiesible in the south park universe this is the best fic i have read so far and i have read a few good ones but the problem is they let people get out of character and cross refrence old episodes way too much (yours may in some points but it's so little and gradual that it works) and this story should not be censored because this sh*t really happens in some towns at schools

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