The Worst Fanfic Ever...haha.

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Indigo Rose
Posts: 579
Joined: Sun Feb 13, 2005 10:27 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Indigo Rose » Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:26 am

No problem! It's just that some authors take any kind of criticism very personally, so I just wanted to make sure my advice wouldn't cause any hurt feelings.

Firstly, Warblade is one of the better original characters I've seen, but she could become a Mary Sue based on where you go with her. It's not a problem yet, but something to keep an eye on in the future.

Also, some of the violence (especially from the kids) seems a bit too gory to be realistic. Of course, the bar for violence in South Park fics is going to be WAAAY higher than other fandoms, but a few of the scenes go even beyond that level. I'd recomend just turning down the violence to make the scenes a bit more realistic.

Finally, some of the scenes are a bit too unrealistic to happen even in the South Park universe. For example, near the begining where Kyle gets hurt, it seems unlikly that a teacher wouldn't notice a student THAT injured in class. It's only small things like that, nothing too injured. I think you'll be fine if you just go back over the scenes you write and spend half a minute debating on their feasibility in the South Park universe.

I hope you'll find my advice even a little useful. Like I said, these are just minor things that I've noticed could use improvement. On the whole it's an excellent fic, and I've truly enjoyed reading it! Please don't give it up, you're doing the boards a great favor by giving us this fic to read.
"Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean!"

(Awkward silence)

"Butters Goddamnit!"
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:35 am

Indigo Rose wrote:No problem! It's just that some authors take any kind of criticism very personally, so I just wanted to make sure my advice wouldn't cause any hurt feelings.

Firstly, Warblade is one of the better original characters I've seen, but she could become a Mary Sue based on where you go with her. It's not a problem yet, but something to keep an eye on in the future.

Also, some of the violence (especially from the kids) seems a bit too gory to be realistic. Of course, the bar for violence in South Park fics is going to be WAAAY higher than other fandoms, but a few of the scenes go even beyond that level. I'd recomend just turning down the violence to make the scenes a bit more realistic.

Finally, some of the scenes are a bit too unrealistic to happen even in the South Park universe. For example, near the begining where Kyle gets hurt, it seems unlikly that a teacher wouldn't notice a student THAT injured in class. It's only small things like that, nothing too injured. I think you'll be fine if you just go back over the scenes you write and spend half a minute debating on their feasibility in the South Park universe.

I hope you'll find my advice even a little useful. Like I said, these are just minor things that I've noticed could use improvement. On the whole it's an excellent fic, and I've truly enjoyed reading it! Please don't give it up, you're doing the boards a great favor by giving us this fic to read.


Thanks for the critique...I'll be careful with my Warblade character...that's to be sure.

Concerning the violence...yeah. My point there is to push it past the limit, to give it a kind of dark, intense edge, if you may... It might not work for some people, but it's the feeling I want to get across... The main plot concerning the fight between the two groups of kids- is a hypothetical look at things if cliques and such got way out of hand...utter chaos and anarchy would result...so yeah...one can expect some more of it coming out of me...

After all, this is a nice way to pour out my anger rather than beating things in real life...

:oops:

^ ^;
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
Indigo Rose
Posts: 579
Joined: Sun Feb 13, 2005 10:27 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Indigo Rose » Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:40 am

Stylistic violence can be awesome, and you use it very well, but it's important to remember that these are only 9 year old kids ^^;

Also, thanks for not getting mad. I know how important fanfics can be to their authors, and I can sometimes be a bit too brutal with my critiques without realizing it.
"Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean!"

(Awkward silence)

"Butters Goddamnit!"
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:44 am

Indigo Rose wrote:Stylistic violence can be awesome, and you use it very well, but it's important to remember that these are only 9 year old kids ^^;

Also, thanks for not getting mad. I know how important fanfics can be to their authors, and I can sometimes be a bit too brutal with my critiques without realizing it.


True, true...

^ ^;

No problem. I've learned over the years that getting critique for art and writing and such is the best thing that can happen to an artist or writer (except, of course, you make some good money off of whatever you did). You should've seen me way back in the day (or at least in middle school)...I ripped peoples' heads off figuratively when they tried to give me critique...but I've learned much since then...

:oops:
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
Indigo Rose
Posts: 579
Joined: Sun Feb 13, 2005 10:27 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Indigo Rose » Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:47 am

Thanks, it's always nice to meet an author who appreciates advice. If you keep on writing I promise to do my best to keep on critiquing!^^;
"Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean!"

(Awkward silence)

"Butters Goddamnit!"
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:52 am

Indigo Rose wrote:Thanks, it's always nice to meet an author who appreciates advice. If you keep on writing I promise to do my best to keep on critiquing!^^;


No problem!

I'm bound to finish this fic up, I've already planned out the ending and everything...but yeah...thanks for taking the time to read through my fanfic (and slogging through the fight somewhere on here)...
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby 203177 » Mon Oct 15, 2007 9:37 pm

good story i really enjoyed reading it! :D




Image
My favorite sp characters: Bridon(he's so cute!)
Kyle,Stan, Kenny/Mysterion.

Fave ep: ESM Season 12,Sec fave: Butterballs Season 16
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:23 am

203177 wrote:good story i really enjoyed reading it! :D




Image


Thanks...

^ ^;
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
Big-Will
Board Moderator
Posts: 18835
Joined: Tue Apr 08, 2003 8:57 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Big-Will » Sat Nov 10, 2007 7:15 pm

Testing 1 2 3
Testing 1 2 3
The South Park Scriptorium
The South Park Scriptorium on Facebook

Favorite Character: Butters
Need to look for something on the board? Use the search links below: US version
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Sun Nov 11, 2007 1:07 am

Chapter 21: Blood by Night (Part 1)

After Katy and Cartman returned to Katy’s house, Katy looked out at the town from her house’s vantage point. She cursed under her breath as she spotted a small detachment of punks off in the distance.

“Damn…they took Stark’s Pond,” she muttered angrily.

The punks milled about upon the frozen over pond, looking incredibly bored. One of them seemed to have set their eyes upon Katy, and they pointed right at her standing on her roof. The punk’s comrades turned around to stare at her. She cursed again and leapt off the roof into the snow, out of sight. The setting sun’s light glinted off her jewelry as she stalked off into her beaten-down house. Cartman lay sprawled out upon the tattered couch in the living room, working with colored pencils, a map of the town, and a stack of paper. Loud music blared outside in the front yard, as the clique followers ran and danced about in a massive party.

“They’d better give my sound system back,” Katy declared, “Or they’re gonna get it.”

Cartman looked up from his paperwork. He sneered, and finished drawing a scarlet line upon one of his papers.

“I wouldn’t count on it coming back today. Heh, they took out all of your sister’s stuff; I think they’re burning it outside. As for the two we caught earlier…we’ll kill off the dirty metalhead first when the sun’s finished setting.”

Cartman turned his attention back to his planning. Katy nodded in approval and slunk down the hallway to her sister’s room. It was stripped clean of the punk paraphernalia; a stained carpet and a bare coffee-colored wall was all that met her eyes. The only things in that room besides the wall with the brown paint peeling off and the filthy carpet were the two rival clique captives. The boy on the left snarled at her, tossing his mane of long, light brown tangled hair into the air as he struggled futilely against the rope ties around his hands and feet. In contrast, the other boy to the right sat silently against the wall, head slumped onto his chest. His multiple ear piercings jingled quietly as he turned to reprimand his fellow detainee.

“It’s no use. That girl in the purple coat and pink hat knows too much about tying knots; you’re not going to get out of this,” he said sullenly.

The boy with the long light-brown hair ignored him. He struggled some more and cursed out loud as he was hit in the head by a rock. Katy leaned against the door’s threshold and grinned cruelly at the pair of unfortunate trespassers, holding a handful of rocks from her purse.

You f*cking whore! You just wait ‘til I get out of this! I’m gonna eat your f*cking babies and beat you so bad you’d wish you were dead in Hell!” the boy shouted, his eyes wide with inhuman rage.

“Nah. We’re screwed,” muttered his more subdued companion, “I heard that fatass talking earlier to the crowd; he’s gonna kill off one of us tonight. I’m just not sure which one of us…”

“So? We can make a break for it then! Even if and when I die, I’ll come back from the dead to terrorize them! They’ll be sorry they’d ever messed with a high-standing thrash metalhead like me!”
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Sun Nov 11, 2007 1:09 am

Chapter 21: Blood by Night (Part 2)

“You there, you f*cking good-for-nothing punk boy- you’re right about one thing. Cartman’s going to kill one of you tonight for the crowd,” Katy laughed, “You, the crazy one…shut the f*ck-”

Katy was cut off by Cartman suddenly walking into the room. He stared out of the window at the setting sun, and grinned darkly. Turning to the rival clique members, he flicked his bangs out of his eyes and drew a long dagger from under his tattered white shirt.

“The masses want to see you,” he told them nastily, “They’re getting restless for some blood.”

Cartman brandished his dagger at the now-silent captives. He lead them out of the room, down the hall, and out upon the front porch by dagger-point. The clique members looked to the three boys now standing on the porch. Some of them turned from the massive bonfire; from burning all of Warblade’s possessions they had gathered, and the others stopped dancing and socializing in the yard. The crowd of riled children cheered aggressively, and Cartman shoved the two captives forward.

“Tonight,” he addressed the impatient crowd, “We’ll sacrifice one of these filthy a*sholes for the sanctity of our clique! I have decided…the metalhead shall die first! The punk will die later, but we’ll torture him until he wishes he was dead- then we’ll be the ones controlling whether he gets that wish!”

Craig stepped up onto the porch and shoved the long-haired metalhead forward. Cartman seized his victim by the shirt collar and cast him face first upon the frigid concrete. The boy snarled and tried in vain to bite at Cartman, but the efforts were to no avail. Katy kicked the struggling boy in the stomach, and he coughed and curled up in pain. Cartman finally dealt the cringing metalhead a powerful blow on the head, knocking him out cold. The crowd of bloodthirsty children shouted and screeched their approval, as Cartman stood high over the fallen captive. He raised the dagger high into the air; the last of the sunlight glittering on the deadly blade, and brought it down with devastating force. The blade penetrated straight through the metalhead’s chest, and blood gushed all over the children standing anywhere close to the body. The corpse gave one final twitch, and lay still in the growing puddle of crimson blood on the porch.

The mob roared with aggressive approval and surged forward to drag the corpse away from Katy’s house, leaving a tell-tale trail of blood down the path and across the snow upon the street. The children shouted rowdily and proceeded to decapitate the blood-soaked body to mount the lifeless head upon the clique standard, as a warning to all who opposed their social authority…
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
Edduyasha
Posts: 2709
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:55 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby Edduyasha » Sun Nov 11, 2007 1:10 am

Big-Will wrote:Testing 1 2 3
Testing 1 2 3


Thanks for the help in the other thread...appearently, I guess I'll have to split long chapters into multiple parts next time...

^ ^;
Goodbye, cruel world...
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...

Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
Goodbye...


- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
203177
Posts: 6599
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:14 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby 203177 » Sun Nov 11, 2007 9:05 pm

niceeee! :D
My favorite sp characters: Bridon(he's so cute!)
Kyle,Stan, Kenny/Mysterion.

Fave ep: ESM Season 12,Sec fave: Butterballs Season 16
McCormick Fan
Posts: 221
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2007 8:08 pm

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby McCormick Fan » Sun Nov 11, 2007 11:22 pm

It's good to be reading this again! =)
The Most Under-Rated FanFic Writer since "Cyberdemons on Holiday" was banned.
ximena949
Posts: 98
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2006 3:11 am

Re: South Park- Factions (first fanfic)

Postby ximena949 » Mon Nov 12, 2007 5:09 am

I really enjoy reading this story!
Cool Story!
You should start writing more fanfics,you are good at this! :mrgreen:
.

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