Authors' Notes: We do not own Mystery Science Theater 3000 or Loose Change. They are the property of Best Brains Inc. and Dylan Avery respectively. Special thanks goes to MarkyX for the inspiration, as well as the 911Research website for the transcript.
Part I - Introduction
[Cue the Mystery Science Theater 3000 main theme.]
Chorus: In the not too distant future
Somewhere in time and space.
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Are caught in a nasty place.
They try to survive the wrath of Pearl
Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world.
And from her castle below she sets her sights above
Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love!
PEARL: I'll send him cheesy movies (Ooh, ooh)
The worst I can find.
(La la la!)
PEARL: He'll have to sit and watch them all
And I'll monitor his mind!
(La la la!)
Chorus: Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Where the movies begin or end.
(La la la!)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
Cambot! ("You're on!")
Gypsy! ("My gosh!")
Tom Servo! ("'lo there!")
Croooooooooow! ("You know you want me baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts!
(La la la!)
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show.
You should really just relax!
For Mystery Science Theater Three-Thousaaaand!
[The inside of the SOL is a mess of random wires and circuit boards dangling haphazardly from other wires in the ceiling. Crow and Tom are tangled in what appear to be fiber optic cables and holding various power tools. Crow is wearing a welder's mask and holding a blowtorch, while Tom is drilling a generic spot on the command console with a power drill.]
[Mike walks into the shot.]
MIKE: Hey everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Mike Nel... [Notices the mess around him] Guys! What the hell happened?!
TOM: Oh, hey, about that Mike, we're just installing our new wireless Internet connection like you said.
CROW: 'Course we need a little elbow grease, we had to strip out the dry wall, shut down secondary life support systems...
TOM: [interrupting] Don't forget the refrigerator. That reminds me Mike, we've got a carton of milk we need you to throw out, now help us out here before we have to dump the cheese too.
MIKE: Guys! You were only supposed to open the maintenance panel for the wireless connection! Most of these don't even go in the direction of the computer!
TOM: [Chiding] Oh Mike! Where's your sense of work ethic?
CROW: Mike, there are two ways to do things in this world: The efficient way, and the right way. Which way sounds right?
MIKE: The efficient way actually involves there not being a mess; now clean up this mess! [Notices the camera] Oh hi everyone, I suppose you need an explanation. The bots and I are installing our new Internet connection. [Looks at the mess, annoyed, and bumps his head on a freely dangling circuit board] As you can see, Tom and Crow got really carried away.
[The entire room suddenly darkens. Silhouettes bump into each other and start complaining.]
TOM: Whoops! Probably shouldn't have tried to move the fuse box!
CROW: Don't be stupid Tom! I probably shouldn't have stuck the blowtorch in the steam pipe!
MIKE: [Groaning] I probably shouldn't have made someone other than Gypsy do this job.
TOM: You know, I just thought of something.
[Everyone stops and turns in Tom's direction.]
TOM: Why the heck do we even need Broadband? I mean, this is the not-too-distant future right? And we're floating two hundred miles above the Earth's surface with enough systems to support artificial gravity and human life.
[There's an awkward pause as the crew exchanges confused glances with each other.]
MIKE: You know, we were in the year 2525, then we were in ancient Rome, and now I have no idea where we are!
CROW: Yeah, Servo's right! When the hell are we anyway?
GYPSY: [Off-screen; shouting] Miller time!
[The lights come back on.]
MIKE: [Shouts] Thanks Gypsy! [Normal] All right, let's see if we can get the status on- [Mike looks down at the computer and smiles] -Well, it looks like we're on the entrance ramp to the information superhighway.
CROW: Finally! [Clears throat] Alright E-Bay, I'm gonna bid you clean.
MIKE: [Grabbing Crow by the shoulder] Not with the budget we have you're not. I have to bookmark all my favorite sites while I can remember 'em.
[In the confusion, Tom plops down in front of the computer and proceeds to do something]
TOM: Now, now, there's some Inuyasha fanart I've been meaning to upload to deviantar-
MIKE: [Interrupting] Inuyasha?
CROW: [Dangerously] ...You're dead to me Servo.
[Crow immediately begins to pummel Tom, and their fight takes them off screen. After pausing for a moment and soaking in the sounds of brawling, there's a crashing sound, and Crow screams as his "eyes" are knocked loose, flying on screen and across the table. Mike slowly sits himself in front of the computer and places his hands on the keyboard. He manages to type a few letters before he remembers the audience is still watching. He turns to face Cambot and smiles.]
MIKE: We'll be right back. [Hits the Commercial Sign Button]
[Cut to commercial]
[Return to the SOL interior. Cables still dangle haphazardly from the ceiling and sounds of fighting continue from off screen. Despite this, Mike continues typing up on the computer.]
COMPUTER: [Off screen] .And how f****ng dare anyone out there make fun of Britney after all she's been through?! She loves her aunt; she's been through a divorce! She had two f***ing kids and her husband turned out to be. *sniff* ...a user, a cheater, and now she's going through a custody battle!
[Mike stares in a disbelieving, petrified state at whatever he's seeing on his computer screen, while frantically clicking the mouse.]
MIKE: [Distant, petrified] Close! Close, you monster! WHY WON'T YOU CLOSE?!?!
[As the struggling stops, Tom and Crow mosey back onto the set. Both robots are in surprisingly immaculate condition. Gypsy joins them as well.]
TOM: Those self-repair subroutines sure come in handy don't they Crow?
CROW: Do they ever! I can't even remember how I got damaged in the first pla... [notices what Mike's looking at; panics] -OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!?!
MIKE: I don't know I... [clicks once] There, it's stopped.
[Mike slumps a bit, sighing in relief.]
MIKE: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. You wouldn't believe all the spam I got in the 15 minutes I've had an account.
GYPSY: [Reading over Mike's shoulder] Hey look! You can make your writing utensils 15 times bigger, according to this one.
MIKE: That's weird. Computers shouldn't get all static-y like that. What's going.
[The Mad's light flashes]
MIKE: Oh of all the times... Team 7 is on call. [Hits the button] What's up great and mighty evil ones?
[Castle Forrester. Pearl is looking intently into the camera. Bobo and the Observer can be seen in the background tinkering with what appear to be a series of modems and other gadgets.]
PEARL: Fancy seeing you Sannin again, but I'm not gonna beat around the bush with you-believe it! But let's get down to business. Someone is leeching off my intrawebs connection. None of you would happen to know who, would you?
[Cut back to the SOL. Mike and the bots are standing suspiciously in front of the console rather than behind it]
MIKE: Beats us! Who do you think did it?
[Pearl looks at the camera in an overly chipper matter and grins.]
PEARL: [Smug] Well, I'm not all that sure myself, but.
[Pearl glances back at Bobo and Observer hooking up the machine.]
PEARL: [Continued] .Whoever it is will pay dearly. In fact, that device in the background Bobo is working on is-well, let's just say whoever is leeching off my internet connection is going to be subject to a *nasty* variation of the experiment you've been sitting through the last, oh, eternity now.
[Cut back to the bridge. Mike and the bots stiffen considerably.]
CROW: [Laughs uncomfortably] Ha-boy, are they in for some, uh, deep hurting-heh, yeah...
TOM: Yeah, heh, you show 'em Pearl!
MIKE: Now wait, Pearl? Don't you think you're going a little too hard on them?
[Cut back to Castle Forrester. Observer and Bobo have finished with the machine.]
PEARL: Oh Mike, you're all heart! But seriously, I don't want to know what kind of message we'd send if we let them get away with it, so I'm going to send them a little piece of over-glorified internet conspiracy dreck. Which brings me to my evil plot for world domination of the week! Brain Guy!
[Observer quickly walks up to Pearl's side.]
Observer: Yes madam?
Pearl: Why don't you show the Mike and the botulisms what we're showing our unfortunate hackers?
Observer: At once madam! [After making the "Observer" noise, a DVD case pops into his hand, with "Loose Change" written on the cover.]
Pearl: Y'see, it seems that 36 million Americans are simply gullible enough to think that 19 very determined and pissed off Muslims can't put a damper on our national spirit, and that only the government can do anything like that. This is all explained with [yanks the DVD out of Brain Guy's hand] THIS little docudrama called "Loose Change."
Observer: Using logic with more holes than America's border with Mexico, Loose Change has managed to gain a massive following all over the world, and Madam Forrester here will promise those ignorant masses a revolution of. [pauses trying to find the right word] ...revolutionary change.
Pearl: [Starting sweetly, but becoming progressively more menacing] But first, there are a couple of people who have gotten into our Internet connection that REALLY need to pay. Since they're smart enough to, ahem, "haxorz" their way into my computer, I imagine they're smart enough to feel pain when THIS little gem is shown to them!
[Back at the SOL, Mike and the bots seem a little tense.]
Mike: Now hold on there Pearl, don't you think you're overreacting?
Crow: Yeah, can't you just report 'em to-I dunno, the FBI or FCC?
[Cut back to Castle Forrester.]
Pearl: Oh come on boys, that's the *nice* way. If you've forgotten, I'm NOT a nice person. [Perks up] But it shouldn't matter anyway, I know YOU guys aren't hackers. Now, sit back and enjoy your movie-free day.
[Cut back to the SOL.]
CROW: Damn you Servo, none of this would happen if we just got dial-up.
TOM: Don't you DARE go there, Crow.
[The alarms flash.]
MIKE: Forget the connection boys, we've got MOVIE SIGN!
[In the confusion, the gang runs around the room before the door sequence finally starts.]
Disclaimer: Loose Change 2nd Edition contains unlicensed footage, including, without limitation, copyrighted footage owned by FOX, CNN, NBC, CSPAN, and CameraPlanet, as well as Gedeon and Jules Naudet, and James Hanlon, (directors of the documentary entitled "9/11 - The Filmmakers' Commemorative Edition").
CROW: Because the truth always needs a second edition.
Disclaimer Cont'd: The views expressed in Loose Change may not represent the views of the copyright owners or the individuals featured in such footage.
MIKE: Or of forensic engineers, demolition experts, the National Institute of Standards and Technology, hundreds of eyewitnesses, people who actually worked on the investigation.
Disclaimer Cont'd: The Naudet Brothers, Mr. Hanlon, the firefighters they interviewed for their film, and Paramount, (which distributes the Naudet/Hanlon film) do not endorse or support the views expressed in Loose Change.
DEDICATED TO THE LIVES WE LOST ON SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001
TOM: Except for the ones who are faking death and working for the CIA.
[A creepy ominous musical score hits, as we see a close up of the torch held high by the Statue of Liberty, before gradually panning down and around the statue itself to reveal the view across the Hudson River of the Twin Towers and the New York City skyline.]
TOM: [humming along to the score] Bum, bum, bah, da, DUN, da, da, da-Bum, bum, bah, da, DUN, da, da, da.
CROW: I've never been more terrified of Lady Liberty in my life.
"I don't think anyone could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center." -National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice [The quote is scribbled out.]
MIKE: Hey! I was reading that!
"There were lots of warnings." -Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld [The quote is also scribbled out.]
MIKE: Kids these days, always trying to do their film editing on the fly.
"No warnings." -Press Secretary Ari Fleischer [The quote is scribbled out too.]
TOM: [As Mohammed Atta] "America is doomed! DOOMED! MUHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"Your government failed you, and I failed you." -White House Advisor Richard Clarke [The final quote is scribbled out.]
CROW: Eh, but Iran-Contra was 20 years ago. Let's focus on when the poop hit the paddles last Tuesday!
Dylan Avery: March 13th, 1962 Lyman Lemnitzer, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, presents a proposal to Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara.
CROW: "Robert, will you marry me?"
Dylan: ...named "Operation Northwoods."
MIKE: Because if you're going to carry out a covert conspiracy, it always makes sense to reveal your plans to the public.
Dylan: The document proposed staging terrorist attacks in and around Guantanamo Bay, to provide a pretext for military intervention in Cuba. The plans included:
Starting rumors about Cuba using clandestine radio.
CROW: They're pirating Howard Stern's broadcasts! Those fiends!
Dylan: Landing friendly Cubans inside the base to stage attacks.
MIKE: Because that sure worked the first time didn't it?
Dylan: Starting riots at the main gate.
MIKE: Getting captured and herded into a makeshift prison full of odds and ends.
Dylan: Blowing up ammunition inside the base, starting fires.
TOM: Using those odds and ends to make unlikely weapons that will aid in your escape.
Dylan: Sabotaging aircrafts and ships on the base.
CROW: Starting a massive firefight and defeating the Cubans without even hitting a single person.
Dylan: Bombing the base with mortar shells.
MIKE: Yes, the plan's flaw came from the fact that the A-Team wouldn't be around for another decade or so!
Dylan: Sinking a ship outside the entrance, staging funerals for mock victims.
Staging a terror campaign in Miami, Florida and Washington, DC.
CROW: Blowing up the Hitler building!
TOM: I knew the Neptune Men couldn't have done that!
Dylan: And finally, destroying a drone aircraft, over Cuban waters.
The passengers, federal agents in reality, would allegedly be college students on vacation.
CROW: So for all you kids who want to take a vacation on an exploding airplane, there's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.
Dylan: A plane at Eglin Air Force Base would be painted and numbered as a duplicate of a registered civil aircraft belonging to a CIA front in Miami. The duplicate would be substituted for the real plane and loaded with the passengers. The real plane would be converted into a drone. The two planes would rendezvous south of Florida. The passenger-laden plane would land at Eglin Air Force Base to evacuate its passengers and return to its original status.
MIKE: That's no ordinary plane! It's a Transformer!
TOM: So the Decepticons were behind the plan to attack America all along!
Dylan: The drone would pick up the scheduled flight plan and over Cuban waters transmit a "mayday signal" before being blown up by remote control.
The plan was rejected by McNamara, and President John F. Kennedy personally removes Lemnitzer as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
TOM: It might have something to do with proposing to invade Cuba again after the Bay of Pigs.
Dylan: December 1st, 1984. A remote-controlled Boeing 720 takes off from Edwards Air Force Base, and is crash-landed by NASA for fuel research.
[We see test footage from inside the plane of the crash dummies being jostled around violently before being consumed by the raging fireball.]
MIKE: [As a dummy] "This is what I get for flying third class!"
Dylan: Before its destruction, the plane flew unmanned for a total of 16 hours and 22 minutes, including 10 takeoffs, 69 approaches, and 13 landings.
CROW: And they used a giant slingshot to launch it into the air for those other 3 landings.
Dylan: August 1997. The cover of FEMA's "Emergency Response to Terrorism" depicts the World Trade Center in crosshairs.
MIKE: I wonder where FEMA thought they were going to find a sniper rifle big enough to take out the towers.
Dylan: February 28th, 1998. The Global Hawk, Raytheon's Unmanned-aircraft-vehicle, completes its first flight over Edwards Air Force Base in California, at an altitude of 32,000 feet, cruising altitude for a commercial jetliner.
CROW: A full sized remote controlled airplane? Mommy, I want one of those for Christmas!!
MIKE: Sorry Crow, those are too expensive.
Dylan: 1999. NORAD begins conducting exercises in which hijacked airliners are flown into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
TOM: Those NORAD guys, they think of everything. Well, aside from what to actually do if it ever happens-
Dylan: June 2000. The Department of Justice releases a terrorism manual, with the World Trade Center in crosshairs.
MIKE: They finally found the kind of sniper rifle they were looking for.
Dylan: September 2000. The Project for a New American Century, a neo-conservative think-tank whose members include Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Jeb Bush, and Paul Wolfowitz, releases their report entitled "Rebuilding America's Defenses." In it, they declare that, "The process of transformation, even if it brings revolutionary change, is likely to be a long one, absent some catastrophic and catalyzing event - like a new Pearl Harbor. "
TOM: Wow, the Cliff's Notes version of the PNAC report managed to shrink a 90-page document down to a single paragraph.
Dylan: October 24th, 2000. The Pentagon conducts the first of two training exercises called MASCAL.
TOM: [singing] MASCAL, MASCAL
Wirf die Glaser an die Wand
Russland ist ein schones Land
Ho ho ho ho ho, hey!
Dylan Cont'd: .which simulate a Boeing 757 crashing into the building. Charles Burlingame, an ex-Navy F4 pilot who worked in the Pentagon, participates in this exercise before retiring to take a job at American Airlines, where, 12 years later, his Boeing 757 allegedly crashes into the building.
MIKE: Now I'm guessing Dylan is going to say that Charles Burlingame was recently sighted in a bar having a drink with Elvis Presley and Amelia Earhart.
Dylan: April 2001. NORAD plans an exercise in which a plane is flown into the Pentagon, but is rejected as "too unrealistic".
TOM: [As NORAD Commander] "Son, we've got SPECTRE stealing our spaceships and blaming it on the Russians, a shipping magnate who wants to start a nuclear war so that everyone will be forced to live underwater, and a guy planning on launching nerve gas from a space station to kill 99.9% of the human race. This is no time for your crackpot theories!"
Dylan: June 2001. The Department of Defense initiates new instructions for military intervention in the case of a hijacking. It states that for all non-immediate responses, the Department of Defense must get permission directly from the Secretary of Defense.
MIKE: For all immediate responses, aim our entire nuclear arsenal at China.
Dylan: Attorney General John Ashcroft begins flying on chartered jets, for the remainder of his term, due to a "threat assessment" by the FBI.
CROW: He probably thought we were about to be invaded by naked statues.
Dylan: July 4th, 2001. Osama Bin Laden, wanted by the United States since 1998, receives medical attention at the American Hospital in Dubai, where he is visited by a local chief of the CIA.
CROW: I'm just glad bin Laden isn't on my basketball team. He'd dribble all over the court before passing at the very last second.
Dylan: July 24th, 2001. Larry A. Silverstein, who already owned World Trade Center 7, signs a 3.2 billion dollar, 99-year lease on the entire World Trade Center complex, six weeks before 9-11. Included in the lease is a 3.5 billion dollar insurance policy specifically covering acts of terrorism.
MIKE: Yeah, because it's not like terrorists ever tried to hit the World Trade Center before then.
Dylan: September 6th, 2001. 3,150 put options are placed on United Airlines' stock. A put option is a bet that a stock will fall. That day, put options were more than 4 times its daily average.
TOM: Why don't you put your options where your mouth is?
Dylan: Bomb sniffing dogs are pulled from the World Trade Center, and security guards end two-weeks of 12-hour shifts.
MIKE: "Okay everyone, we have forty minutes of lunch break to tear out the drywall, stuff 8,000 pounds of explosives on every floor, wire it all up, put up new drywall, paint it over, and hope that none of us has a conscience! Now hop to it! Chop, chop!"
Dylan: September 7th, 2001. 27,294 put options are placed on Boeing's stock, more than 5 times the daily average.
September 10th, 2001. 4,516 put options are placed on American Airlines, almost 11 times its daily average.
Newsweek reports that a number of top Pentagon brass cancel their flight plans for the next morning.
TOM: The company field trip to Disney Land would have to wait until later.
Dylan: San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown receives a phone call warning him not to fly the next morning. Pacifica Radio later reveals that this phone call came directly from National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice.
CROW: He decided to fly anyway-knowing that no misinformation about his travel plans cited in some film school flunkout's internet documentary would stop him!
Dylan: And in Pakistan, at a military hospital, all of the urologists are replaced by a special team, in order to host their guest of honor, Osama Bin Laden, escorted inside to "be watched carefully and looked after".
MIKE: What? That's what hospitals are supposed to do? Man, I've got to get a better HMO!
TOM: Hey Dylan, that reminds me, did you also know that video stores are where they "provide rentals of motion pictures in exchange for cash"? Or that fast food joints are where they "prepare edible substances for public consumption"?
Dylan: September 11th, 2001. The National Reconnaissance Office in Chantilly, Virginia is preparing for an exercise in which a small corporate jet crashes into their building.
MIKE: Forget about 757 airliners going at 500 mph. What you really have to watch out for are those small corporate jets getting into accidental crashes!
Dylan: NORAD is in the middle of a number of military exercises.
"Sept. 11 was Day II of Vigilant Guardian, an exercise that would pose an imaginary crisis to North American Air Defense outposts nationwide."
-Lt. Col. Dawne Deskins
Dylan: The first, "Vigilant Guardian," is described as, "An exercise that would pose an imaginary crisis to North American Air Defense outposts nationwide."
"Northern Vigilance, planned months in advance, involves deploying fighter jets to locations in Alaska and Northern Canada."
-Toronto Star, December 9th, 2001
Dylan: The second, "Northern Vigilance", moved fighter jets to Canada and Alaska to fight off an imaginary Russian fleet.
CROW: The imaginary fleet's landing forces consisted of unicorn mounted knights and vodka chugging dragons!
Dylan: Three F-16s from Washington DC's National Guard at Andrews Air Force Base, 15 miles from the Pentagon, are flown 180 nautical miles away for a training mission in North Carolina. This left 14 fighter jets to protect the contiguous United States.
TOM: Don't you just hate it when there aren't enough fighters to go around to shoot down your own airliners?
FAA: Hi, Boston Center TMU.
CROW: "I'm a Pisces; my turn-ons are sunsets, long walks on the beach."
FAA Cont'd: ...We have a problem here. We have a hijacked aircraft headed towards New York. And we need you guys to, we need someone to scramble some F-16s or something up there, help us out.
NORAD: Is this real or exercise?
FAA: No, this is not exercise, not a test.
[The view abruptly zooms in from a shot of the globe to New York City, where footage is shown of the first plane striking the World Trade Center.]
Command Center: Uh, do we want to think, uh, about scrambling an aircraft?
FAA Headquarters: Oh, God, I don't know.
MIKE: "That would involve work."
Command Center: Uh, that's a decision somebody's gonna have to make probably in the next 10 minutes.
CROW: "Remember, short straw has to make the decision!"
FAA Headquarters: Uh, yeah, you know, everybody just left the room.
TOM: "Someone really cut one in here!"
[The caption is shown.]
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
[Cue the voiceover interviews.]
Radio Interviewer: The first question I have is basically to get from you a sense of how you would rate the American media in their coverage of the events of the attack last September.
Hunter S. Thompson: Well let's see eehmmm, "shamefully" is a word that comes to mind.
TOM: [As Hunter S. Thompson] "Random chaos and people panicking and dying are no excuse for sloppy journalism. Seriously, it's just chaos!"
[News footage is shown of the Twin Towers, from the vantage point of a news chopper circling overhead.]
News Reporter: This just in. You are looking at obviously very disturbing live shot there. That is the World Trade Center and we have unconfirmed reports this morning that a plane had crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center.
A LOUDER THAN WORDS PRODUCTION
CROW: "Hey! Look at me! I'm jumping up and down and saying stuff without evidence! Look at meeeeee!!"
Hunter S. Thompson: But overall, the American journalism was cowed, and intimidated by the this massive flag-sucking, this patriotic, orgy...
MIKE: [As Hunter S. Thompson] "This is Fred Phelps signing out until next time!"
IN ASSOCIATION WITH MERCURY MEDIA INTERNATIONAL
TOM: Mercury Media makes moronic movies maliciously mauling materiality.
Hunter S. Thompson Cont'd: You know, if you're criticizing the President, it's unpatriotic, and there's something wrong with you, and you may be a terrorist.
CROW: And if you're criticizing Loose Change, it's unpatriotic, and there's something wrong with you, and you're one of the government's paid shills.
Radio Interviewer: So-so in that sense, Hunter S. Thomson, there's not enough room for dissenting voices?
Hunter S. Thompson: Well, there's plenty of room, just not enough people willing to take the risk.
MIKE: I mean, nobody could possibly ever get away with posting a conspiracy video where everyone in the country can see it, and it's not like the government can't arrest you for watching it. Oh wait.
[Cut to a shot of the north tower with smoke pouring out of it.]
Mark Birnach: I don't know whether we've confirmed that this was an aircraft or to be more specific. Some people said they thought they saw a missile.
TOM: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's-some dude in blue tights and a cape.
Unidentified Voiceover: There was definitely a blue logo; it was like a circular logo on the front of the plane.
TOM: [As Sarge from RvB] "Great Gustavo's toast! I knew those Blue devils were up to no good, but this is going way too far!"
Mark Birnach: Um, it definitely did not look like a commercial plane; I didn't see any windows on the sides.
Interviewer: Mark, [sic] if that what you say is true those could be cargo planes? You said you didn't see any windows in the sides?
Mark Birnach: I didn't see any windows on sides. It was. It was not a normal flight that I had ever seen, at an airport, it was a plane that had a blue, uh, logo on the front. And, and it just... It did not look like it belonged in this area."
CROW: [As Mark Birnach] "I was two miles away from the towers! I know a plane with windows when I see it!"
LOOSE CHANGE 2ND EDITION
Hunter S. Thompson: It's sort of a herd mentality, a lemming-like mentality. If you don't go with the flow, you're anti-American and therefore a suspect.
MIKE: [As George W. Bush] "My fellow Americans, I'm issuing an executive order for you all to march into the ocean. If you don't, the ter'rists have won!"
[Cut to footage of the news report on ground level, where firefighters and a crowd of people are gathered in the streets. The view pans up to show the Twin Towers still burning.]
TV Newsman on the Scene: This is as close as we can get to the base of the World Trade Center - You can see the firemen assembled here, the police officers, FBI agents and you can see the Two Towers, a huge explosion, raining debris on all of us! We better get out of the way!!
TOM: [As the TV Newsman] "Keep the camera rolling! I need someone to use this footage for emotional manipulation later!"
[Footage of the south tower collapse is shown, with the cloud of dust and debris pouring through the streets and engulfing everything in sight, as the crappy music continues to play in the background.]
MIKE: Formerly known as Korey Rowe-Shambo, but he had it changed after that unfortunate hazing incident.
CROW: I seem to remember that guy from a Clearsil commercial.
[The creepy musical score becomes more audible, and we are shown first the footage of WTC7 beginning to collapse, followed by rapidly alternating shots of a building demolition with shots of the WTC7 collapse, with emphasis added obnoxiously by the background percussion.]
TOM: [Starts humming Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.]
MIKE: [reciting] Remember, remember,
The eleventh of September.
The government's treason and plot.
Nick Tha 1Da
CROW: [shakes his head frantically] Ugh, crappy music! Well DJ Skooly, you just made-The List.
MIKE: The boy 1Da!
TOM: Swae? Smoke? Is that supposed to be a Japanese seafood recipe?
[The collapse of the north tower is now shown, from several different angles, while the voiceover plays.]
Hunter S. Thompson: You sort of wonder, when something like that happens, who stands to benefit? Who had the opportunity and motive?
CROW: Ooh, I know! The Zionist Jews, in the World Trade Center, with a remote controlled airplane!
Hunter S. Thompson Cont'd: You just gotta look at this basic things. I don't assume that I know the truth about what went on that day. And yeah, I just look around looking for who had the motive, who had the opportunity, who had the equipment, who had the will?
MIKE: A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
[The annoying background percussion returns, as several clips of alternating footage are shown of the immense dust cloud pouring through the streets, with the people, including the cameraman in the latter shot, being forced to flee on foot.]
TOM: [As a fleeing New Yorker] "Run for it! We have to get out of this crappy documentary!"
Hunter S. Thompson Cont'd: I've spent enough time on the inside, well the White House, and, you know campaigns, and I've known enough of the people who do these things, to know that, the public version of the news, of an event, is never really what happened.
CROW: Oh good, the next time the National Weather Service issues a hurricane warning, I know I won't need to cancel my plans for sunbathing!
Hunter S. Thompson Cont'd: And these people I think are willing to take that even further.
MIKE: [slightly more annoyed] ...A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
[Cut to a darker shot of the chaos at street level, with sirens wailing and people screaming, as another cameraman is fleeing from the dust cloud on foot. Cut to a more generic shot of burned and tattered papers fluttering through the air amid the smoke and debris.]
Radio Interviewer: It seems a very long bow to me, but are you sort of suggesting that this worked in a favor of the Bush administration?
Hunter S Thompson: Oh absolutely. Absolutely.
TOM: Blowing a hole in our economy, spreading our forces too thin in two different wars, the 30% approval rating, and not getting a drop of oil out of it! It's all playing right into their hands!
[The shot gradually fades to black to highlight]
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY
CROW: The grandson of Tex Avery. Inherited all of his screwball wackiness, and none of his actual talent!
"Here we're talking about plastic knives, and using an American Airlines flight filled with our citizens, and the missile to damage this building, and similar (inaudible) that damaged the World Trade Center."
-Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in an interview with Parade Magazine on October 12th, 2001, from inside the Pentagon
TOM: That smug bastard! Revealing their whole evil plot to Parade Magazine just one month after it happened!
MIKE: You can almost see Rumsfeld sitting in his office, stroking a longhaired white cat, and chortling evilly to himself while this interview was going on.
[Mike picks up Tom, and the three make their way out of the theater for the first break.]
[End of Part I]
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