Below is my first South Park fanfic. I am a proud viewer of over 10 years and I'm 20 years old. Heh heh. Let's just say a lot of my viewing happened when mother went to sleep and I snook out to the t.v.
Anyways, I'll get to the disclaimers.
Any likeness to the celebrities mentioned or portrayed is entirely fictional. If there is, however, any truth to the satire, it was completely coincidental. I was inspired by my friends who love Twilight, and my friends who hate Twilight.
I absolutely love the Goth kids and so this is a little tribute to them! I know the script is a lot shorter than the ones usually posted on this site but I just wanted to make something short, sweet, and to the point. So I hope you all enjoy!
(We arrive in a hallway at school.)
BEBE: Oh my god! Oh my god! (Runs over to Red who is opening her locker.)
RED: What is it Bebe? (At this point the camera scrolls out, revealing the Goth Kids in the background.)
BEBE: The new Twilight movie is coming out in three weeks!
(Both girls scream their heads off and run down the hallway.)
(We see the Goth kids start to walk.)
KINDERGARTEN GOTH: sh*t.
POCK-MARK KID: You’ve got that right. I can’t handle any more of these Twi-tards.
BIG NOSED KID: (lights his cigarette) I’m so sick of this. I think these ones might actually be worse than those f*cking retards from last year.
HENRIETTA: I know what we needs to be done. We meet at my house, tonight.
(We arrive at the playground. Bebe, Red, and Wendy along with a few other girls are talking excitedly.)
WENDY: So who’s your favorite Bebe?
BEBE: I like Jacob. He’s so hot! (All the girls scream.)
WENDY: Mmm…well I think Edward is so dreamy! (All the girls scream again.)
(Stan and Kyle walk by.) (The girls are all pulling out centerfolds of the characters in Teen Bop magazines.)
STAN: Hey Wendy. What’s up?
WENDY: We’re talking about the new Twilight movie. Will you take me to see it Stan? Please?
(All the girls start screaming almost uncontrollably.)
(Stan and Kyle walk away.)
STAN: Jesus Christ dude!
KYLE: I wouldn’t see it. The first movie sucked ass.
STAN: Wait, you saw the first one?
KYLE: Yeah, with my mom. It was either that or Wellington Bear the Movie. I could barely hear it though. All of the girls were screaming…kind of like that.
(He points to the girls huddled around the merry-go-round.)
(Cartman enters with Kenny.)
CARTMAN: What’s up f*gs?
STAN: I guess I’m taking Wendy to see the new Twilight.
CARTMAN: (points and laughs.) No way dude! Seriously weak!
KENNY: Mph mmm mm mmph mph mmm mm mmpht.
STAN: What? You’re taking Red to go see it? Maybe we can make it a double date. Wendy wants me to take her.
KENNY: (Muffles something that sounds like “Yeah, chicks go crazy over that sh*t.”)
(We flash to Henrietta’s room. Everyone is drinking coffee and smoking. The usual. )
HENRIETTA: Okay, so the first movie made so many retards and we need to do something about it.
BIG NOSED KID: Yeah, you said it.
(Henrietta’s mom pops in.)
HENRIETTA’S MOM: Oh Henrietta, can I get you and your friends anything?
HENRIETTA: Don’t you f*cking knock? Get us more coffee!
HENRIETTA’S MOM: Okay sweetie. (closes door)
HENRIETTA: Conformist bitch. Okay, so we need to eliminate the cast.
POCK-MARK KID: And just how are we gonna do that? (Flips his hair.)
HENRIETTA: Oh, I found a guy. He told us to meet him tomorrow at Benny’s.
(We flash to the boys at Cartman’s house playing videogames.)
CARTMAN: Ha ha Kyle! I just powned your Jew ass!
KYLE: Shut up lard ass!
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh Eric sweetie, I just finished the last Twilight. Did you want to read it now?
(Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all start laughing.)
CARTMAN: What? You’re trippin’ balls mom. I don’t read that crap.
(Mr. Kitty walks in and growls at Cartman.)
CARTMAN: Shut up Mr. Kitty! Bad kitty!
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh don’t be silly poopykins. You couldn’t wait to get your hands on the last book. My little Eric read the third book in only two days. (She leaves the book on the arm of the couch and walks out of the room.)
CARTMAN: What? They are really good books you guys. Just because the movie sucks balls it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a good book! God dammit Kenny! Stop laughing!
(Cartman gets really angry and throws his game controller at Kenny’s head killing him instantly.)
STAN: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastard! (Stan and Kyle look at each other and continue laughing at Cartman.)
(The next day, the Goth kids are waiting inside of Benny’s with their usual coffee.)
WAITRESS: Well surprise, surprise. Another afternoon of having to serve you kids.
(She pours more coffee in their cups.)
BIG-NOSED KID: Yeah, whatever.
POCK-MARK KID: So, when is this guy supposed to get here?
(We hear a voice…Cartman’s.)
CARTMAN: Hello. (He is wearing a black suit with sunglasses and is carrying a briefcase.)
HENRIETTA: You’re the guy?
CARTMAN: Yes, I am, in fact, the guy. So, I hear we have a Twilight problem. (He sits down in the booth with them.)
BIG-NOSED KID: So what’s your solution monkey suit?
CARTMAN: Well my friends, I think the solution is quite clear. The Hollywood premier of the movie is in four days. We can snipe the cast once they get on the red carpet and start to pose for the paparazzi.
POCK-MARK KID: Who is going to shoot them? You?
CARTMAN: His name is….the Mole. (Shows them a picture.)
KINDERGARTEN GOTH: Whoa.
CARTMAN: We’re gonna need transportation of course.
HENRIETTA: I can just steal my mom’s car. Stupid conformist bitch doesn’t even know I exist.
CARTMAN: Well, I believe we have ourselves a deal folks.
HENRIETTA: What’s all this going to cost?
CARTMAN: Oh, don’t worry about this m’am. I’m just doing my civic duties.
HENRIETTA: Oh, well that’s cool I guess.
(The Goth kids leave.)
CARTMAN: (holding a picture of the cast) You people will no longer ruin these great stories with your horrid acting. Stephanie Meyers characters shall not die in vain!
(We flash to the main cast of Twilight getting ready for the premiere.)
TAYLOR: Come on “Bella”. We’re not going to get there in time. (He injects himself with steroids.) (He flexes in front of the mirror.)
KRISTEN: Hold on. (She snorts a line of cocaine on the counter.) Okay.
ROBERT: Well I’m ready. (He’s checking himself out in a hand-held mirror. His smile lets off a sparkle that goes ‘ding!’) Oh yeah. (He slicks his hair back.)
(We see the kids waiting by the bus stop with a car.)
CARTMAN: I told him to get here over forty-five minutes ago!
BIG NOSE KID: Figures (He sighs.)
(Suddenly someone rises out of the ground with a shovel. It is the Mole!)
MOLE: Soree for mah lateness buht you see, my muhzehr grounded me. I ‘ad to deeg a tunnel from our basement.
CARTMAN: (sighs) Okay, whatever. Everyone just get in the car.
(One day later. We see everyone in the car stuck in traffic.)
CARTMAN: We were making such great timing! What happened?
HENRIETTA: (takes a drag off her cigarette) We hit L.A.
CARTMAN: (looks at his watch) What?! There’s only two hours until the premiere! We need to hurry!
MOLE: Oh no! I need to get home before mah muzzer extends mah sentence!
BIG-NOSED KID: Chill out dude. Here, have a cigarette.
MOLE: I only smoke theese. Filthy American tobacco.
BIG-NOSED KID: (mutters) Conformist.
(They finally get to the premiere.)
CARTMAN: Hurry Mole!
MOLE: Do not rush me fat American pig!
CARTMAN: (sighs) Will you just hurry?
MOLE: Let a mahn do heese werk.
HENRIETTA: (points) Look! There they are!
(We see the Twilight cast get out of their limo and onto the red carpet.)
(As the kids all rush over, the Twilight cast is shot repeatedly with machine guns. The SWAT team comes jumping off of roofs, rope ladders, one rips off his dress and blonde wig, etc.)
SWAT GUY #1: Nice try…Crab people.
(We see the Crab people bust out of the corpses.)
CRAB #1: I thought it would work for sure this time!
SWAT GUY #2: You’re coming with us pal.
(All the Crab people are yelling as the SWAT team handcuffs them all and drags them off.)
(All the kids are standing there with their mouths wide open.)
KINDERGARTEN GOTH: F*ck!
(We flash to Wendy, Bebe, Red, and some more girls on the couch crying together.)
T.V.: We here at HBC News have been informed that the new cast of Twilight will be…the Jonas Brothers!
NICK JONAS: Yeah, I’m really excited to play Bella. I know it’s going to be a little weird but we’ve already done our costumes and it all looks really good.
(We flash to Cartman sitting at home on his couch watching the same thing.)
CARTMAN: Son of a b*tch!
pombomb1 wrote:I like it. The crab people idea makes sense. You really thought this through.
Ttttthhhhanksss! *gives thumb up and closes eyes* Sorry, I was watching the Smug episode yesterday. lol.
Well I just really love the Goth kids. I think they're freakin' hilarious. And there's always some kind of conspiracy going on so why not have the crab people return? Right? And Cartman is always running his little schemes. I also thought of the Mole since he was my cousin's favourite character from the movie. If you have any fanfics you want someone to read, just hit me up.
RandomPicklez wrote:That was hilarious! I hate Twilight so much.
Well thank you! I really tried to stay true to the characters. I don't necessarily hate Twilight but I get really annoyed with the obsessed, screaming girls.
The books aren't half bad but that movie sucked some serious donkey balls.
novemberm00n24 wrote::lol: Thanks for the entertainment!!! That was great, even though I've never seen Twilight or read the books. I Love that Cartman wants to kill the cast of the movie 'cause they're ruining the books. And the cast, with the steroids, cocaine, narcissism!
Well you are most welcome! I try to stay true to the characters. And I don't like to make my stories too long. A lot of the fanfiction on here drags on and on sometimes and I think it's better when it's short and sweet. Of course, that's just mah opinion!
OMG!TheyKilledKenny wrote:That was freakin' hilarious! I also love the goth kids, they're probably some of my favorites in South Park also.
THANK YOU! And it's nice to meet a fellow Goth Kids fan. ^_^
I love your screen name by the way. Niiiiccccce.
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