Glad He Ate Her

Put your fan fiction here, and keep it nice.

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Glad He Ate Her

Postby Kain487 » Wed Apr 21, 2010 10:56 pm

Opening Scene: "In the year 2010, the second Roman Empire had conquered much of the known world, stretching from the plains of America, all the way to the four corners of the New World Order. Over 7 billion people lived and died in freedom, under the command of Emperor Obama. Only one final revolution remained, that when quelled, would end his shadow war, and unite the world under one single government......"

Eric's left hand is seen brushing up against tall grass, as he proceeds to his mailbox. Upon opening, he pulls out a Netflix letter. The mailbox is struck by a bullet, narrowly missing Eric. Walking back inside, he screams in joy, as he brags to his friends about Ridley Scott's sequel finally arriving on Blu-ray.

Joaquin Phoenix and Russell Crowe are seen laying in the roman colliseum.

Joaquin: Those clouds look alot like Lucilla's boobs
Russell: Isn't that your sister man?
Joaquin: Yup, Lucius is my son. That b**** lied to you!

Immediate Pause
The four boys are seen expressionless, Kyle yells; "Holy S*** dude!"

There's a repeated knock at the door
Eric: Mom answer the damn door, we're trying to watch a mooooovie!

A picture slides under the door
Ridley Scott is seen laying bloodied in the street.

Stan: What kind of sick bas**** would send you something like this?
Eric: Some sperm guzzling wanker who's mad at me for getting the last copy that's who
Kyle: That, or he has something against Gladiator entirely
Kenny: He likes to bake anal creampies. Look, he left a stool on the window to cool!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh honey, is that for me? Aw Eric, you shouldn't have!
Eric: .......But mooooooooooom!

Mrs. Cartman proceeds to bit into it
Mrs. Cartman: NOM NOM NOM

Mrs. Cartman's mouth is covered in brown residue. Under a long and sudden pause, she looks at the boys, completely horrified. Screaming in terror, she breaks through the door, and falls on the front lawn. Her head is lobbed off, rolling to the front of the doorway.

Eric: MOM!

Stan proceeds to call the police. Officer Barbrady arrives at the scene

Barbrady: alright nothing to see here people!

His head is decapitated, falling next to Mrs. Cartman's.

Stan: Dear Jesus, No!

The 3 other boys look at him in bewilderment
Stan: I mean Jesus will know what to do!

Jesus is seen in a bar
Jesus: Two muslims walk into a bar *burp*
Bartender: You've got a call my lord
Jesus: Hello?
Stan: Forgive me father, for I have sinned
Jesus: Be gentle my son and tell me what's wrong
Stan: Dude, my friend's house is getting f****** jacked!
Jesus: Turn the other cheek
Stan: No, you don't understand

Jesus proceeds to hang up the phone
Jesus: Excuse me guys, I gotta use the little girls room

Pope Benedict (screaming): yes, f*** yes, that's how it's done! Jesus would've wanted this. F**K ya! Praise the lord! Achieve everlasting peace!

Jesus enters the toilet stall and there's semen all over the Pope and Chris Griffin. The two of them tired and weak from man-boy sex, breathing heavily, look up at his holyness

Chris Griffin: ooooooh whaaaaat?!

Chris Griffin jumps off the pope, slips and falls into the white puddle falling on his back, rolling over, and facing into it. Meanwhile, the Pope claps his hands 3 times, and dissappears into a cloud of purple gas. Jesus points into the toilet.

Jesus: Holy S***!

The White House Is Seen Next
White House Staff #1: Mr. President, thanks to the Patriot Act, we've been wire tapping this traced phone call all the way back to Southpark Colorado

Obama: Oh? What do they say?

White House Staff #2: Well, they claim that someone, or something is fighting a shadow war, and people are being beheaded in the thousands!

Obama: My god! We must alert the media, if this breaks out, there could be panic, total anarchy, I mean chaos!

Mr. Peanut walks up on stage in the briefing room

Mr. Peanut: The president has declared martial law, until further notice, all Americans must be in their homes, and be sure to lock the doors!

Kiran Chetry is seen wolfing down a bag of Boston Cream Donuts

Kiran: But why?

Mr. Peanut: The President doesn't directly want to say, but accordingly via the C.I.A., it appears we may have another 9/11 on our hands. Everyone remain calm, we'll have this matter addressed, and quieted at our earliest convenience, thank you.

Mr. Peanut proceeds to walk off stage. Kiran Chetry's head just explodes in Boston Creme

A familiar opening scene of Gladiator battle music begins playing. Stanley A. McChrystal has setup basecamp in Southpark, and proceeds to lead his soldiers on horseback, through the streets.

Randy Marsh looks up from his newspaper, and sees the army cavalry

Randy (ponders): uh hun?
Sharon: Yes?
Randy: What the f*** are the royal canadian mountain police doing in Southpark?!

Repeated tongue vibrating war cries are heard
Stanley A. McChrystal: 3 weeks from now, I will be boneing my wife. Say where you wish to be, and it'll be so. For you are an American! And your already dead! Hold the line! Stay with me!

A long and bloody battle ensues, ICBMs are seen, launching from catapult, tank shells ensue, grenades and ak-47s go off. Mines take off, and all sorts of modern munitions vehicle and weaponry.

A censored face appears multi-national, covering every channel

Obama: They've taken over our entire network!

Censored Face: You a**hole americans! You've killed our cleric, you declare jihad on us? Take this you son of a b****!

Aerial view of Stanley A. McChrystal's house. Wife is seen on the toilet, reading Opra magazine.

Wife: "I don't care what anybody says, I like her"

Aladdin and Genie appear. Genie spawns a ton of soldiers, appearing from bushes, cars, and down from the mountains, wearing blue paint on their face, and set fire to the entire house, as it burns to the ground.

Stanley A. McChrystal's last battle having been won, retires, and returns home. Seeing his wife's defiled corpse raped and burned, collapses on the ground.

Garfield: Wife taste like lasagna, wife taste good! Nom Nom Nom!

The movie immediatly pauses
Eric: What the f*** is wrong with you butthole! Turn that s*** back on, before I kick you in the nuts!

Censored face: See? This is why we assassinated Ridley Scott. kids. His movies insult history, with his poetry. He defames antiquity with his films and he needed to be sent to hell like that Theo Van Gogh. HIs movies are historically inaccurate, and show the face of Robin Hood.

Censored face raises 1 finger

Censored face: To hell with your Comedy Central, you American A**holes!

Censored face farts, breaking his prayer ablution

Censored face #2: HA HA HA HA HA!

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