A South Park Fan-Fiction
of Epic proportions entitled:
S A V I N G S P E I L B U R G
(WARNING: Contains Strong Violence, Language, Drugs and Sexual Themes & References)
Butters as Professor Chaos
Chapter 1: Night of The Coon
Cartman: Who am I? That's what the people in this city ask me. Am I a symbol....or am I just another assh*le wearing tights? I've asked myself the same questions over and over again.
As Cartman continued his nightly patrol, he spotted a whore walking down an alley way.
Cartman:( In Thought) No time to think now. I think I see a whore who will need some saving. God Dammit....why are they always attracted to alleys? Why can't they just face the fact....they don't fit in. They've spent most of they're lives with cocks in thier mouths, but does that make them bad people? No, of course not. I don't know where I was going with this but I guess what I'm trying to say is this. No matter what people are, they will always need saving. And I will answer that call. So, I have to save this whore! Even if it kills me. I am a knight, a savior, because everyone needs a C-
All of the sudden his pocket vibrates.
Cartman: Who the f*ck could be calling me at 4:00 am? Hello? Hello? Dude, this isn't just a number you can all the time! I'm out here busting my ass off and you have the undecency to call me with not a f*cking thing to say and it's 4:00 am?!! Who the f*ck do you think you are?! Well you know what since you have nothing to say I'm going to hang up and if you call this number again, I sware to god I will find you, shove fishsticks down your throat and call you a gay fish while you choke on it bitch!!
Cartman hangs up.
Cartman: (In Thought) Where was I? Oh yea....Because everyone needs... a Coon.
Cartman entered the alley and saw the whore being over shadowed by a buff looking stranger. Cartman made a pose.
Cartman: Alright you perversion of nature, give up the whore!
The stranger and the whore ignored him.
Cartman: I said....hand over the whore!!
They still ignored him.
Cartman: Hey assh*le I said get the f*ck away from the whore! Hello?! Alright fine! Screw you guys, i'm going home! This what I get for trying to help, a giant kick to the balls! Well no more, as of today, I quit The Coon. f*ck this, I don't need this! I think of tons of better stuff to do then wear gay tights and leap like a queer!
Cartman tosses his outfit into the garbage and walks away into the night. Little does he know, his arch nemesis had witnessed the entire event.
Professor Chaos: As last! The Coon has thrown in the towel! Now I can continue my evil plan to influence newly appointed hollywood director Ben Trekker, to film his new film "Jews & Jazz" in Iraq, so that I may obtain weapons of mass destruction and destroy the world! Now, all I have to do is find out where this Ben Trekker lives?
General D.- You could try Google?
Professor Chaos: Yes! Google, my harvenger of evil in internet form. C'mon General D, we've got work to do!
Professor laughs as him and G. D. dissapear into the night.
TO BE CONTINUED...
(WARNING: Contains Strong Language, Voilence, Drugs, Sexual Themes & References)
Chapter 2: Like A Hangover of Sadness.
Kyle's House, Morning....
Stan: Dude, c'mon were gonna be late.
Kyle threw on his jacket and hat. He felt a slight breeze as he opened the front door.
Kyle: Where's Cartman?
Stan: I don't know, I went to his house but no one answered the door.
Kyle: I bet he's skipping school again, that bastard. Let's go.
Kenny walked right up to Kyle and Stan. He told them why Cartman wasn't going to school.
Kenny:(mumbles) So, Cartman is pissed off just because he thinks nobody has any respect for him.
Stan: Well of course dude, who would? He's a f*cking fatass.
Kenny:(mumble) That doesn't really help Stan!
Stan: Ok, I'm sorry. I'm just saying maybe if he wasn't such a dick to everybody, he'd earn thier respect. He does that, he'll practically have the whole town at his feet.
Kyle: Really? Wow, dude. We just need Cartman to act nice?
Stan: Yeah, then he'll have everybody's respect and appreciation of his presence.
Kenny:(mumbles) Yeah....we can't do this.
Stan: Yeah, f*ck this. It's Cartman's problem now.
Kyle: So much for trying to help out. Dude, were just not good at that kind of stuff. And even if we were, it still wouldn't be satisfying.
At School, Lunchtime....
Stan, Kyle and Kenny entered the lunch room.
Chef: Hello children!
Kyle: Hey Chef.
Chef: Where's Eric?
Kyle: Skipping school again.
Stan: He's pissed because he thinks nobody has any respect for him.
Chef: That's not true, I respect him. I respect all my kids. Respect is key igredient in my book.
Stan: And what book is that?
Chef: We'll it's not an actual book children, it's a book of the heart.
Kyle: That's....kind of gay Chef. Don't you think?
Chef: Not at all. It's the recipe in our hearts that provide love and freedom. That's the source of respect children. That's what respect has earned and it's also what Cartman needs if he wishes to continue living a free life.
Kyle: But how Chef? How do we get Cartman to see?
Chef: I don't know Kyle. Just follow your heart. It'll guide you to the answer. Heck, it got me some pussy, and that's gotta count for something right?
Kyle: I guess.
Kenny:(mumbles) So, freedom gets you laid?
Chef: Of course Kenny, freedom is like a vibrator that women want and need. You see.
Kenny:(mumbles) Whoo hoo!
Stan: Hey guys, it's Cartman!
They all turned around and noticed him sitting at a table alone with a bag over his head. They all walked over to him.
Stan: Hey Cartman.
Kyle: Dude, why do you have a bag on your head?
Cartman: So people know how much of a f*cking prick I am. I hate myself so much.
Kyle: Look Cartman, yes you're a fatass, but you're a good guy all the time. You just express yourself in a different way.
Stan: Yea dude, it's just....maybe you should try being nice a little more than usual.
Cartman: Guys.....I already tried that.
Kyle: You....you did?
Cartman: The past few weeks.
Kyle: And it didn't work?
Cartman: f*ck no! Why do you think I have a f*cking bag over my head?! Just leave me alone and I'll work out the problem on my own.
Kenny:(mumbles) Maybe he's right. He just needs to work this out himself.
Kyle: I guess.....see you around fatass.
Stan: Yea, bye dude.
Kenny walked up to Cartman and patted his back.
Cartman: (whispers) Don't call a f*cking fatass you f*cking jew.
Cartman began to cry int his sleeves.
Kenny:(mumble) Awe, f*cking freedom.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
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