"Planet of the Apes" Part 1

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TheInhibitor
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:15 pm

"Planet of the Apes" Part 1

Postby TheInhibitor » Thu Aug 11, 2011 6:45 pm

SCENE 1: School hallway

[School hallway. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are standing together talking, when Cartman walks up, head hung low, and wearing a black armband.]

STAN:
"What's up with the black armband, fata**?"

KYLE:
"Yeah, did somebody open a bag of Cheesy Poofs without you?"

CARTMAN:
"No, you a**holes! I'm in mourning. America is losing its greatest luminary."

KENNY:
[muffled] "Who?"

CARTMAN:
"Mark Wahlberg! How could you not know that? Don't you watch 'Entertainment Tonight'?"

KYLE:
"Mark Wahlberg? You mean that douche from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?"

CARTMAN:
"He's not a douche! He is an accomplished actor and musician! He is one of the shining lights of humanity!"

STAN:
"Wait, didn't he dedicate a book to his penis?"

KYLE:
"Oh, yeah! And, one time, he beat up a Vietnamese guy so badly that they guy went blind in one eye."

CARTMAN:
[sigh] "Yes, like all geniuses, Mr. Wahlberg is a victim of unfounded gossip from people jealous of his mind-expanding journey to stardom."

STAN:
"I read somewhere that, after he became rich and famous, he didn't do anything to find the guy and make it up to him."

KENNY:
[muffled] "What an a**hole!"

KYLE:
"Yeah, totally."

CARTMAN:
"Will you guys shut up? We were at war with Vietnam! And besides, given all his cultural contributions, Mark Wahlberg has earned the right to beat up as many Vietnamese people as he wants!"

STAN:
"Uh, like what cultural contributions would that be?"

CARTMAN:
"Oh, I don't know, maybe a little movie called, 'The Truth About Charlie'?"

[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other, dumbfounded.]

KYLE:
"Never heard of it."

CARTMAN:
"My God, you culturally illiterate butt-holes. Look, Mark Wahlberg is responsible for the sort of iconic movies that have become beacons of enlightenment! His cinematic work has addressed issues that no one else was willing to tackle! He has given birth to movies that NEEDED to be made, and then released on to DVD as quickly as possible so that they could be appreciated by the masses!"

KENNY:
[muffled] "What the hell are you..."

CARTMAN:
"'Max Payne' was a movie that NEEDED to be made! 'The Happening' was a movie that NEEDED to be made! 'Planet of the Apes' was a movie that NEEDED to be made!"

STAN:
"But wasn't…"

CARTMAN:
"And then it needed to be made AGAIN, but with Mark Wahlberg instead of Charlton Heston! Who, by the way, is not HALF the actor Mark Wahlberg is. I mean, did you see the piece of crap version Charlton Heston was in? The apes didn't even look real! But Mark Wahlberg had such a great chemistry with them, he was able to bring those magnificent creatures to life on screen, so that they didn't just look like a bunch of idiots in ape masks!"

KENNY:
[muffled] "Um, I…"

CARTMAN:
"Fortunately, enough of them lived long enough to be in the remake, so they got a chance to shine with a better actor who could bring out their humanity."

KYLE:
"Cartman, I don't think…"

CARTMAN:
"And that's not even getting to his music career as the greatest rapper in history!"

KYLE:
"Oh, Jesus, Cartman. He's not the greatest rapper in history. He's just a douche."

STAN:
"Yeah, he's more like the world's greatest crapper in history."

CARTMAN:
"Really? Well, if he's as bad as you say he is, then why isn't he in jail? How has he been so successful?"

STAN:
"It's because he's good-looking. He's not good at anything besides that."

KYLE:
"Yeah, except for getting away with being an a**hole, just like all good-looking people get breaks that ugly people don't get. Deal with it, fata**."

STAN:
"Yeah, he gets away with being a big d**k only because he has a big d**k."

KYLE:
"Without his good looks, he's just an a**hat."

CARTMAN:
"Oh yeah? Well let's see if Mark Wahlberg being a big d**k stands up in front of class today when I remind everyone what a genius he is!"

[Cartman storms off. END SCENE.]



SCENE 2: Cartman does Show and Tell

[Cut to Mr. Garrison's class.]

MR. GARRISON:
"OK, kids, who wants to try to bring a false sense of importance into their depressing little lives by presenting something for 'Show and Tell' today?"

CARTMAN:
"Oh! Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! Pick me! Please pick me!"

MR. GARRISON:
"All right, Eric, let's get you out of the way first so we can end 'Show and Tell' on a relative high note."

CARTMAN:
[moving to the front of class] "Mr. Garrison, class, today I would like to celebrate the magnificent career of America's greatest artistic mind, a career that, lamentably, has been cut all too short: I'm talking about, of course…"

CRAIG:
[interrupting] "Charlie Sheen?"

BUTTERS:
"The Human Torch?"

TOKEN:
"Please tell me it's Justin Bieber."

CARTMAN:
"No! I'm talking about Mark Wahlberg!"

MR. GARRISON:
"Mark Wahlberg? What do you mean, 'cut short'? He's dead?"

CARTMAN:
"No, he's quitting acting because he turned 40."

MR. GARRISON:
"That's not exactly the same as being 'cut short', Eric. And I have to say, I'm semi-offended that you're celebrating someone who didn't object to the idea that gays should be crucified, and then did a rap performance with the person who said it."

WENDY:
"He also said he was creeped out at the thought of playing a gay cowboy in 'Brokeback Mountain', even though he played a murderous rapist in 'Fear'."

BEBE:
"Yeah, and then there's all those Vietnamese people he beat up."

CARTMAN:
"God dammit! Why do people keep criticizing him for beating up a couple of Vietnamese people?!"

CLYDE:
"Uh, because it makes him a bigoted a**hole?"

CARTMAN:
"No, it doesn't! It shows how he was ahead of his time! Beating up Vietnamese people is how he became a movie star!"

MR. GARRISON:
"Oh, Jesus, Eric, how you figure that?"

CARTMAN:
"Well, just look: 'Deer Hunter', 'Platoon', 'Apocalypse Now', 'Full Metal Jacket'. Think of all the successful movies and careers that have been made based on beating up Vietnamese people! Don't you see?"

[The class all look at each other, dumbfounded.]

CARTMAN:
"Beating up Vietnamese people is good luck, because they grant you wishes! They're magic! Mark Wahlberg forced one of them him to grant him a wish, which he used to become a brilliant rapper and movie star!"

STAN:
"Uh, that's not how it works, Cartman."

KYLE:
"Yeah, they're not magic elves. If you beat up a Vietnamese person, that just makes you an a**hole."

KENNY:
[muffled] "Which doesn't help you at all, since you're already an a**hole."

[The class laughs.]

CARTMAN:
[pause to glare at Kyle, Stan, and Kenny] "I'm not saying they're magic elves! They're more like Asian leprechauns."

MR. GARRISON:
"Yeah, Eric, can you move it along, please?"

CARTMAN:
"Certainly. What I'd like to present is a montage of Mark Wahlberg's finest early visual work from his stage performances and his advertising work for Calvin Klein, set to his musical masterpiece, 'Good Vibrations'."

[Cartman starts showing the following pictures, accompanied by Wahlberg's rap from 'Good Vibrations'.]

[PICTURES]
http://www.wildaboutmovies.com/images_2 ... hlberg.jpg
http://www.rainbownetwork.com/images/gn ... /wahl5.jpg
http://www.wildaboutmovies.com/images_2 ... tNaked.jpg
http://www.wildaboutmovies.com/images_2 ... hities.jpg
http://www.rainbownetwork.com/images/gn ... /wahl4.jpg

[MUSIC]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eSN8Cwit_s&ob=av3e

MR. GARRISON:
"OK, Eric, that's enough."

[Mr. Garrison switches off the music and screen projector.]

CARTMAN:
"But, Mr. Garrison, we haven't even gotten to the dance break!"

MR. GARRISON:
"Eric, there isn't a d**k big enough to make me sit through any more of this. OK, so who thinks they can fulfill the prophecy of having a better 'Show and Tell' presentation than Eric?"

CLYDE:
[holding up a clear plastic baggie with something long and brown in it] "My cat left this in the corner, and we don't know if it's poop or a hairball."

MR. GARRISON:
"Well, Clyde, congratulations, you appear to be the chosen one of whom the prophets did speak right at the beginning of 'Show and Tell' today. Come on up."

CLYDE:
[stands in front of class] "Well, like I said earlier, my cat left this in the corner of the living room, and we don't know if it's poop or a hairball."

CLASS:
[in wonder] "Ooooo."

CARTMAN:
[still standing up front, near Clyde, wide-eyed and speaking to himself] "My God. You people aren't even aware of the depths of your own ignorance."

CLYDE:
"Naturally, there's always the possibility that it's both."

CLASS:
[in even greater wonder] "Wowwww."

[END SCENE.]



SCENE 3: Cartman leaves South Park

[Cut to the front of the school. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are heading for the bus. Separately, Cartman walks past the bus.]

STAN:
"Uh, the bus is over here, fata**."

CARTMAN:
"I'm not getting on the bus because I'm not going home. I'm heading to Hollywood."

KENNY:
[muffled] "Really?"

CARTMAN:
"Yes. It's clear to me that no one appreciates Mark Wahlberg's contributions to humanity. I simply can't allow him to retire. If he does, all that he's done will be forgotten. So I'm going to Hollywood to convince him otherwise."

STAN:
"Oh, Jesus, just because nobody loves Mark Wahlberg as much as you do is no reason to freak out. Don't be such a p**sy, Cartman."

KYLE:
"Shut up, Stan!"

STAN:
[surprised] "What?"

KYLE:
"Don't mock him!"

[Kyle walks over to Cartman and puts a hand on his shoulder.]

KYLE:
"Cartman, nobody believes in you, and everybody thinks you're wrong."

CARTMAN:
"Screw you, Kyle!"

KYLE:
"No, listen to me! Everyone thinks you're completely delusional, which is why you need to prove them all wrong."

CARTMAN:
"What?"

KYLE:
"You need to go to Hollywood, bring Mark Wahlberg out of retirement, and dedicate your life to making everyone recognize that he's as great as you say he is. Because, when you do, you'll be able to turn to everyone and say: 'I'm Eric Cartman. I was right, and you were wrong. F**k all of you.'"

CARTMAN:
"That's true."

KYLE:
"If you don't go right now, you'll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. You'll regret turning down an opportunity to say, 'F**k you, a**holes. I liked Mark Wahlberg before it was cool.'"

CARTMAN:
"Yeah!"

KYLE:
"So, follow your heart, Cartman. Follow your heart, and it will lead you to a place of superiority where you can flip everyone off, and show them that you were better than them all along."

CARTMAN:
"Thank you, Kyle. I -- I never knew how much you believed in me."

[Cartman leaves.]

STAN:
"Dude, nice work!"

KYLE:
"Thanks. With any luck, he'll get beaten into a coma by some Dodgers fans."

[END SCENE.]

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