First Blood First Serve 3 Chapter 5 Flashback.

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Nick Assburger
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First Blood First Serve 3 Chapter 5 Flashback.

Postby Nick Assburger » Wed Oct 01, 2014 4:25 pm

[Return from Commercial break.]

[A series of clips from South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut plays while Conner narrates.]

Conner: [narrating] "You boys know how the story goes, some kids go into an R rated movie their parents go off the deep end some poor bastards burns himself to death and the whole nation is crying out Blame Canada. Before you know it we're at war Terrence and Phillip are set to be executed and tomorrow we march on Ottawa."

[Shows Conner's platoon along with Colonel Hook reading Kyle's message on the internet. Colonel Hook has hair in a pale blonde flattop, his face is unscarred as is Conner's and he still has both hands.]

It was Hook who got your email first along with a link to some woman getting shat on by two German guys."

[Shows Conner and Hook and the whole platoon looking at the screen in horror.]

Cartman: [Innocently] "Gee I wonder who that could be."

Kenny: [Muffled] "It was your Mom!" [He starts laughing along with the rest of the boys.]

Cartman: "SHUT THE f*ck UP YEW GUYS! IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY!"

Kyle: "Hell Yeah it was!"

Conner: "Alright you guys that's enough [He laughs a little] Scheisse. Anyway It was Hook that came up with a plan to steal a getaway plane and hold the city hostage as an insurance policy to make sure Terrence and Phillip got home. We got our hands on every Young Marine that would defect to our cause and gathered the resources we would need to affect the takeover of the base until we could get the getaway plane into the air.

[The story flashes back to a meeting in an undisclosed place. Hook is briefing the Young Marines in attendance with a swagger stick and a projector.]



Hook: "Is everybody here? Good now we don't have a lot of time so we'll keep this brief in less than 18 hours Terrence and Phillip will be executed so we have to act fast. We've gotten in contact with a group in Colorado that says they are going to spring Terrence and Phillip from the Canadian Interment camp and they're looking for someone to get them with a getaway plane. That's where we come in.

[He presses the button showing a C-130 in a hangar]

Hook: "I've volunteered our Company to preform a marching drill at the USO show. We'll be flying in this C-130 under military protection directly to the internment camp where the USO will be being held."

[He clicks the button again showing a slide of the USO show.]


"They've built a makeshift airfield for the planes preparing to carry paratroopers in for the invasion of Canada tomorrow. Our objective is to seize control of the airfield long enough to get Terrence and Phillip on the plane and ensure the airspace remains clear all the way to Canada.

[He moves to the next slide showing an overhead view of the USO Show.]

"To seize and take the airfield long enough to complete the operation we'll need to complete 8 steps. Marines what are those steps?"

"1!"

[A group of kids stand up]

Kids: "Seize the control tower and adjacent security building!"

Hook: "2!"

[two boys wearing construction gear with their fatigues stand up.]

Kids: "Disable the alarms and comms!"

Hook: "3!"

[A group of kids carrying sniper rifles stand up!]

Snipers: "Neutralize the watchtowers!"

Hook: "4!"

[A group of kids including Conner stand up!]

Kids and Conner: "Access the Runway tunnels!"

Hook: "5!"

[Two kids dressed as pilots stand up.]

Pilots: "Free the caged loon!"

Hook: "6!"

[A group of kids wearing ski masks stand up.]

Kids: "Catch a ride to the pickup!"

Hook: "7!"

Kids: "Deliver the HVI to the airfield!"

Hook: "8!"

All the kids: "Get the f*ck over the border!"

[Camera pans to Hook's face illuminated by the projector.]

Hook: "Oorah lock and load you little bastards!"

[A montage of the children prepping their gear plays while Conner narrates. The children switch their blank magazines for the show with ones loaded with live ammo. The band members meanwhile load secret compartments in their instrument cases with equipment like bolt cutters, C4, detonators, grenades, and weapons attachments.]

Conner narrating: "The mission was snatch and grab, seize the airport secure a plane collect Terrence and Phillip and fly them the f*ck over that border right under the noses of Mothers Against Canada. I knew it would cost me a piece of myself but I never suspected it would go tits up so fast.

[The scene changes to the Young Marines airplane landing at the USO air show.]

Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen of the American Army Welcome to the USO Show!"

[The plane pulls into the hangar and the Marines led by Gunnery Sergeant Barry Halfcock exit via the side door.]

[Two army trucks pull up and a show organizer gets out to greet them.]

Organizer: "Are You the San Diego Young Marines Drill Team?"

Halfcock: "That's us Gunnery Sergeant Barry Halfcock at your service. [He shakes hands with him.] I gotta tell you these boys and girls have been looking forward to this for all week."

Organizer: "I'm Steve I've been assigned to watch over you brave little heroes and make sure have everything you need before you go on stage. If you'll just follow me we'll get you all set up.

[The Marines load their instruments and rifles into the truck and climb aboard.]

[As the truck drives out of the hanger Steve and Halfcock discuss the show schedule.]

Steve: "So the show is going to start with the antics of Yippie the flipping dog and then we're going to move on to the juggling act and then afterwards..."

[Steve rambling fades as we see the Marines passing a Ka Bar knife to each other.]

Steve: "And then after Bob Hope you guys are on. I bet your real excited.

Hook: [Takes the knife.] "Yeah" [He stabs Steve in the chest. The throwaway character falls down the dead.] "We've been rehearsing all week."

Halfcock: [Stands up] "HOOK WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?"

[The other Marines point their rifles at him. Someone puts a gun to his head.]

Conner: "Sir I'm gonna have to ask you to sit back down."

Halfcock: "What in the name of Sister Mary is going on here!?"

Conner: "We're putting an end to this war sir." [He hands Halfcock his dogtags and rips the unit patch off his uniform before handing him that too.] "I'm gonna turn myself in when this mission is done. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [He pistol whips the DI in the head]

[Hook pounds on the front of the truck.]

Hook: "DRIVER! DRIVER! STOP THE TRUCK FOR GOD'S SAKE!!"

[The soldier driving stops the truck, gets out and heads for the back of the truck.]

Driver: "What's the problem? [Hook answers his question with a silenced pistol shot to the head.]

Hook: "Get the body in the back! Baker your tallest I want you up front driving Harley and Charley I need you two working the pedals."

[An averaged height 3rd grade boy and two identical kindergardeners a boy and girl step out and commandeer the cab while the other Marines load the drivers body into the back. The truck drives off as the Marines in the back open the instrument cases revealing the equipment they smuggled in earlier and switch their rifle magazines from blanks to live ammo."

Hook: [Calls to the cab.] Alright the control tower is at the end of this runway up ahead next to base security. I want internal comms dark in less then 10 Mikes got it?"

[The truck drives toward the control tower as we see the MP's ignoring the security cameras and instead watching the show on a tv.]

Big Gay Al: [On TV] "Thank You Mr Hope it's always to a pleasure to have you hear at our shows. Ahem next up is a darling little troop of boys and girls from San Diego California."

[The truck stops behind the base security building and the Young Marines get out and head for the front entrance.]

Hook: "Step 1"

Big Gay Al: "Please give a rousing applause to the San Diego Young Marine Corps Drill Team!....[A rousing instrumental march of the Marine Corps hymn begins to play but the Marines aren't there.] Ahem Yoo hoo! it's time to come out you little silly buns!

[The Platoon breaches the door and opens fire with suppressed rifles killing the MP's watching while the marine corps hymn changes to a march instrumental of La Resistance.]

Big Gay Al: "Well it seems that our little boys and girls in uniform might be running a little late. Anyhoo for our next act please put your hands together for Steve Martin!"

Hook: "Room clear!" Private Mouse get on the security cameras watch for any signs of suspicion. Private Shockley you and Powers go around the back you should find the circuit breaker for the alarms and the internal comms link. Cut it! Everyone else on me we're taking the tower.

[A short mousey girl with tousled red hair and glasses pushes a dead MP out of a chair and climbs in putting on a headset. Meanwhile Shockley and Powers two boys wearing toolbelts and face shield visors and carrying a Bass case walk out the the door to the back. The rest of the squad including Conner heads up the stairs to the control tower.]

[Outside Shockley and powers break the lock on the fence with a pair of bolt cutters.]

"Powers: "Got it!"

[The two boys carry the case over to the fuseboxes and cut the lock off with the cutters.]

[Shockley takes out a pair of wire cutters and begins cutting the wires to the tower comms.]

Shockley: [Cuts the last one.] Done and done. [He takes out a radio] Come in Hook this Shockley Control tower internal comms have been cut repeat the comms have been cut. your clear to move on the big top."

Hook: [On the radio] "I read you loud and clear Shockley we're moving to breach the tower now proceed with your mission over and out."

Shockley: "Roger Over and out." [He turns off the radio and puts it away.]

[They move on to the access grate to the runway tunnels. Powers takes out a large circular saw and begins cutting into the bolts locking the grate.]

[Meanwhile Hook's team heads up the control room.]

Hook: "Stack up Harley and Charley get a breaching charge on that door."

[Harley stacks up on Charley's soldiers and places a charge on the knob. She then jumps down and the both stack up in the back.]

Harley: "3"

Charley: "2"

Both: "1"

[The charge detonates and the Marines storm the tower and take down the crew members in a hail of bullets.]

Hook: "Hold your fire! [They comply] Pick off any survivors and get this place cleared up."

[The Marines begin plugging the bodies of the tower crew with shots to make sure they're dead. Conner looks at the body of one man who died from a headshot with his eyes still open and dry heaves as if he's going to be sick. Out of empathy Conner closes the corpses eyes. He then finally throws up.]

Hook :[Sees Conner puke] "Pull it together Kurtz there's no going back now we didn't start this war but we're definitely going to end it."

[Conner looks up at Hook as he executes a survivor via gunshot to the head.]

Hook: "Alright we don't have much time people dispose of the bodies and get the explosives prepped and I want the sniper team up here on the double!"

[The Marines comply with some of them moving the bodies to the corner while others lay down bags filled with C4 and detonators and begin booby trapping the control consoles.]

Hook: [Walks up to Conner.] "You look hammered sh*t Kurtz? What's wrong.?"

Conner: "N-Nothing Sir nothings wrong."

Hook: [Pulls him aside] "Your a terrible liar Kurtz you better get your sh*t together because If this fails and we get courtmartialed dishonorably discharged and grounded then our parents our families get sent to slaughter up in Canada. Your parents, mine and everyone else's here get sent into World War f*cking Three! Ask yourself what would Brian Boitano do? [He let's go of his arm and leaves. Conner takes a deep breath and puts a round into the dead man's head.]

Hook: [takes out his radio] "Hook to Mouse what's going on at the show?"

Mouse: "Winona Ryder's helicopter just entered our airspace we don't have much time."

Hook: "Well keep us up to date. [He changes the frequency.] "Private Shockley how is the comms systems coming along.

[Shockley and Powers have finished cutting through the grate and are now working at the circuit breakers under the tower.]

Shockley: "We're in I'll have the power out in less than ten mike's.

Hook: "You have three we're running behind schedule."

Shockley: "Sir that's impossible we could never never get the power shut off in time."

Powers: "Move it!" [He smashes the glass protecting the cables and revs up his circular saw.]

Shockley: "HEY Watch it haven't patched us in yet." [Powers ignores him and continues cutting while Shockley desperately attempts to patch them into communications.] Almost there....Got it." [He finishes just Powers cuts the power shutting off comms inside the base. Mouse: "He's done it internal comms are down."

Hook: "Alright Shockley I need you and powers to cut the power to the tunnel lighting. I'm sending Kurtz to lead team two to the hangar."

Shockley: "Roger we'll be waiting."

Hook: " Private Mouse get our contact in the resistance on the line it's almost ten."

Mouse: "Sir."

Hook [Puts down the Radio] "Alright Kurtz I want you to take Private Davenport down to the tunnels and deliver him to the plane he's our pilot. Take Danforth and Ortega with you for back up. I'll have Private's Eckert and Harris with sniper support for you when you reach the surface."

Conner: "Yes Sir." [He salutes him and leaves.]

Hook: "And Conner."

[Conner turns back]

Hook: "Remember Brian Boitano."

Conner: "Brian Boitano." [He cocks his rifle and heads down the stairs.]

Private Mouse: [On the Radio] "Sir I've made radio contact with our contact in the Colorado Resistance."

Hook : [Takes up the radio.] "This is Hook come in Yardale do you read me over?"

Yardale: [Posh British accent] "This is Yardale I read you loud and clear Hook over."

Hook: "We've seized the control tower and our team B is moving through the tunnels toward the runway as we speak. We should just be ready to move in time. How are things on your end over?"

[Conner meets up with Ortega, Delmore and Davenport. Ortega is a hispanic girl with a ponytail, Delmore is a black boy and Davenport is a caucasian boy. They don night vision goggles and kills the lights to the tunnel. Then they slide down the ladder and begin moving towards the plane. ]

Yardale: "We've got a four man unit infiltrating the show and our backup group is waiting at the ridge to pick up Terrence and Phillip as well as our insurance policy. Did you get the email I sent you? Over "

[Conner's team reaches a fork. He takes out a crude map of the base and looks it over before pointing toward the right and leading them.]

Hook: "Roger that Yardale we got it along with a very disturbing video that almost makes me wish we were at war with the Germans again instead but everything else checks out over."

[Conner's team turn a corner and runs into a unit of soldiers on patrol.]

Sergeant: "Hey what are you kids doing down here?"

Conner: [coldly] "What Brian Boitano would." [He draws his rifle and shoots the Sergeant in the chest as Davenport Ortega and Delmore dive for cover and return fire."

Yardale: "He's operating as part of the rescue team and he'll be expecting you guys over."

Hook: "But he won't be expecting a one way ticket to Canada as a bargaining chip will he over?"

[Conner's team finishes off the soldiers and makes their way to the runway grate. Conner climbs the ladder and shoots the lock off."

Yardale:"You just deal with the plane I'll deal with the passengers. I've got to go now Big Gay's Al's number just ended Yardale over and out."

Hook: "Copy Yardale over and out." [He changes the frequency to Conner's] "Kurtz can you hear me?"

Conner: [Reaches out with one hand and presses talk.] "Kurtz here loud and clear. we're just outside the hangars waiting on your sniper support over."

Hook: "Roger that over and out." [He changes the frequency again.] Hook to Old Blue do you read me over?"

[Scene changes to show a sniper and a spotter on the roof of the control tower. we see the action through his scope.]

Sniper: "This is Old Blue I read you loud and clear over I've got my eyes on friendlies. [He zooms in on Conner shining a mirror through the grate.]

Hook: "Roger that Eagles Nest you have permission to engage the guard towers.

Spotter: "Got two tangos in sight guard tower to the south."

Sniper: "I got them. [He fires one shot at one of the soldiers hitting him in the dick.]

Soldier: "OW!"

Spotter: "Oh dude you shot him in the dick."

Sniper: "I wasn't trying to."

Spotter: "That's not cool Ralph you don't shoot a guy in the dick."

Sniper: "I was just following the mission."

Spotter: "Just get the other guy before he turns around again."

Sniper: [sighs] "Fine" [He takes aim at the other soldiers head and fires. The bullet bounces off his helmet hits the ceiling and ricochets back into his dick.]

Soldier# 2: "Ow My head! Ow my other head!"

Spotter: "Dude what the f*ck are doing?!"

Sniper: "What? I was aiming for his head!"

Spotter: "What did I say about shooting tangos in the dick?"

Sniper: "I-I choked alright."

Spotter: "Shooting tangos in the dick is not cool Ralph saving Terrence and Phillip won't mean anything if we win by shooting tangos in the dick."

Conner: [On the radio] "Guys?" [The scene changes to Conner's point of view as he sees several Canadian planes flying overhead through the vent] "I think we got a bigger problem on our hands."

[The Planes begin dropping paratroopers]

Generic American Soldier: "IT'S THE CANADIANS!"

[Scene changes back to the control tower.]

Hook: "Attention all Marines abort mission I repeat abort mission! everyone get back to the truck."

[The Marines clear the tower and run back down stairs.]

[The scene changes back to Conner and his unit.]

Conner: " WE GOTTA GO NOW WEAPONS HOT!!! "

[Conner throws off the vent cover and climbs out into the runway!]

Conner: "This way!"

[Delmore, Ortega and Davenport immediately follow him. They roadie run across the tarmac as the Canadian paratroopers start engaging the Americans.]

Conner narrating: "It was absolute chaos Canadians vs Americans and we were caught right in the middle of the sh*t storm!"

Conner.: "KEEP RUNNING WE'VE GOT OUR ASSES OUT OF HERE!" [He looks around and sees a Jeep nearby] "QUICKLY BEHIND THE JEEP!" [ The Marines sprint to cover behind the jeep and catch their breath.] "ALRIGHT ORTEGA HOT WIRE THIS JEEP DELMORE YOUR RIDING SHOTGUN! DAVENPORT IN THE BACK I'LL GET ON THE MA DUECE!"

[Ortega opens the door and begins hot wiring the Jeep while Conner climbs in the back and mans the 50 cal.]

Delmore: "WHO DO WE SHOOT AT AMERICAN OR CANADIAN?"

Conner: [Pulls the bolt back] "SHOOT THEM BOTH!" [He opens fire on a group of Canadian Soldiers headed for them.] " ORTEGA HOWS THAT WIRE COMING?"

Ortega: "VANAMOS I'VE ALMOST GOT IT!" [The engine roars to life and the lights turn on.] "Es un stereotipo negativo pero me quedo con ella." (It's a negative stereotype but I'll take it!) "We're out of here."

[Ortega places her rifle against the gas pedal and shifts into drive. The Jeep squeals across the tarmac as Conner, Delmore and Davenport fire on any soldiers American or Canadian in their path while Ortega swerves left and right towards the hangar hitting several soldiers in the process.]

[Back at the Tower Hook piles the Marines into the truck.]

Hook: "MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!"

[Shockley and Powers climb into the back followed by Mouse. Eckert and Harris rappel down from the tower while Harley Charley and Baker climb into the front seat. Finally when everyone else is on Hook climbs in.]

Hook: "GET TO THE HANGAR!"

[Baker starts the truck and shifts into drive as Charley presses the gas. The truck pulls out of the area.]

Hook: [Takes out a detonator] "Ka Boom!" [He presses it and the control tower explodes blowing out the windows.]

Hook: [Takes out the radio and presses talk.] "HOOK TO YARDALE DO YOU HEAR ME COME IN YARDALE OVER!"

Yardale: [Sounds of gunfire and explosions can be heard.] "THIS IS YARDALE I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR OVER!"

Hook: "YARDALE WE'VE GOT CANADIAN PARATROOPERS COMING IN FROM ABOVE! THE AIRFIELD IS COMPROMISED! WHAT'S THE STATUS OF TERRENCE AN PHILLIP OVER?"

Yardale: "THE USO SHOW IS A BLOODY WARZONE OUR MOLE WAS COMPROMISED AND KILLED. TERRENCE AND PHILLIP ARE FREE [A burst of machine gun fire]] BUT WE LOST TRACK OF THEM! THE CANADIANS ARE THROWING EVERYTHING BUT THE BLOODY KITCHEN SINK AT US AND THE AMERICANS ARE MOBILIZING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE OVER!!" [Sound of a plane crashing]

Hook: "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO SECURE A VEHICLE AND GET THEM TO THE AIRFIELD OTHERWISE WE'RE LEAVING YOU BEHIND OVER!!!"

Yardale: "YOU CAN'T DO THIS WE HAD AN ARRANGEMENT...UH OVER!"

Hook: "WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE WE CAN NO LONGER HOLD THE AIRFIELD IF YOU WANT A RIDE OUT DOUBLE TIME IT HOOK OVER AND OUT!"

[Meanwhile Conner's unit pulls into the hangar.]

Conner: [Climbs out] "Davenport you and Ortega get to the cockpit and get this bird ready to take off Delmore and I will hold off the enemy to buy you some time until the rest of the platoon. gets here!"

Davenport: "Leave it to me Kurtz I could fly this thing in my sleep."

Conner: "Just get going already loudmouth!"

[Davenport and Ortega board the plane and start the engines while Conner grabs an XM29 Prototype rifle and Delmore grabs an M202 Rocket Launcher and head out to engage the enemy.]

Conner: "DAVENPORT TAKE OUT THOSE WATCH TOWERS!"

Delmore: "LET'S ROCK IT!" [He Fires a rocket into a watchtower sending it crashing to the ground.] "Kurtz We've got snowmobiles closing in!" Several Canadian snowmobiles strapped with explosives and driven by Canadian soldiers wearing maple leaf headbands ride in."

Canadian snowmobilers: "BANZE'H!"

[An Abrams tank attempts to shoot one but the snowmobiles crash into them and explode causing the turret to fly off and land at the boys feet. several other snowmobilers crash into American Vehicles and buildings causing several explosions.]


DELMORE: "JESUS CHRIST THOSE SNOWMOBILERS ARE CANUCK KAMIKAZES!!"

Conner: "WE GOTTA TAKE THESE HOPPED UP HOSERS OUT OTHERWISE HOOK AND THE OTHERS WILL BE BLOWN ALL THE TO THUNDER BAY!!"

[Conner looks down the high tech infrared scope of his XM29 and sees a pack of snowmobiles headed straight for the hangar He switches to the built in grenade launcher and lines up the trajectory!]

Conner: "EAT THIS HOSE HEAD!" [He fires a grenade shell blowing the kamikaze Canuck to smithereens. Conner and Delmore fire a few more rounds blowing the rest of the kamikazes to pieces.]

Davenport: [Comes on the radio] "Kurtz, Delmore we can't wait anymore! [scene changes to inside the cockpit] I'd suggest you climb aboard if you want a ride out of here! [He pushes up on the throttle and drives the plane out of the hangar. Conner and Davenport both sprint back to the side door and climb aboard as the plane drives onto the tarmac.]

Conner: [Radios Hook] "COME IN HOOK THIS IS KURTZ! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME THE HANGAR IS NO LONGER SECURE WE'RE MOVING IT ONTO THE RUNWAY OVER!"

Hook:[On the radio.] "YOUR WHAT!"

Conner: "WE'LL FIND SOME WAY TO PICK YOU GUYS UP."

Hook: "I SEE YOU GUYS KURTZ I NEED YOU TO DROP THE CARGO BAY DOOR BAKER CAN DRIVE IT IN THE BACK OVER!"

Conner: "Alright but we're not staying very long get to the runway pronto!"

[Conner moves to the back of the plane and grabs the cargo bay release lever. He grunts and plants his leg into the wall for leverage as he pulls the tight lever down. Finally the lever goes down and the cargo bay door opens as the alarm sounds.]

Conner: "HOOK THE CARGO BAY DOOR IS OPEN HURRY UP AND GET YOUR ASS ON BOARD OVER!

Davenport: [Comes on the radio] "SIR THE RUNWAY IS A WAR ZONE WE HAVE TO LEAVE IN 30 SECONDS!"

[The plane taxies onto the runway and turns as the truck closes in on it.]

Hook: "ALRIGHT DAVENPORT GET ROLLING WE'LL RIDE UP IN THE BACK BEHIND YOU!"

Davenport: "ROGER BEGINNING TAKEOFF OVER AND OUT!

Hook: [To the passengers] "ALRIGHT MARINES HOLD ONTO YOUR SKIVVIES THIS IS GONNA BE A ROUGH RIDE."

[The plane begins to taxi down the runway with the truck following. Suddenly several Jeeps join the pursuit one of them shining a search light on the Marines.]

Jeep Commander: "Attention kids this is the military police stop the aircraft immediately!"

[Hook reaches down and picks up a China Lake grenade launcher.]

Hook: [Takes aim at the Jeep] "Shut you f*cking face uncle f*cker!" [He fires and blows the jeep into the air where it lands on it's roof.] "f*ck YOUR f*cking FACES UNCLE f*ckers!" [He slam fires the china lake destroying a second jeep and causing the third to swerve off the runway.]

Conner: [Calls out to him.] "HOOK STEP ON IT!"

[Charley pushes the gas to the max and the truck drives up the ramp and into the cargo hold just as the plane begins to lift off. Conner quickly throws the cargo door lever up and closes it.]

Conner: "Phew"

[The plane ascends into the sky slowly while down below the battle between the Americans and the Canadians rages on.]

[Onboard the cargo plane Hook and the other Marines climb out of the back of the truck.]

Hook: "Everybody strap in we're in for some rough skies! [He walks up to the cockpit along with Conner.] " Private Davenport what's the status on our fuel supply!"

Davenport: "Depends what direction you want to go in."

[Conner looks out the window and sees the battle raging below!]

Conner: "We failed! After all that effort we failed." [He suddenly notices the ground open up and demons begin flying out of it] "What the hell Hook I think you better have a look this!]

[Hook runs over to Conner just in time to see Satan and Saddam Hussein rise out of the ground.]

Hook: "What in the world?"

[Suddenly the plane shakes violently Conner and Hook look out to see several little black winged demons ripping apart the engines!]

Davenport: "Guys We've just lost engine..."

Conner: "Yeah We know!"

[The Demons rip open the fuel valve and take turns lighting each others farts causing the fuel to ignite and spread to the rest of the wing. the plane begins to plummet.]

Davenport: "JESUS CHRIST THIS IS IT WE'RE DONE FOR GAME OVER MAN GAME OVER! [Suddenly something lands on the roof]

Conner: "What was that?" [He and Hook both aim their weapons at the roof. Suddenly a big scary black monster rips the roof off and grabs Davenport."

Davenport: [Shrieks and wets his pants] OH MY GOD HELP ME!!!![ His screams of terror are cut short by the monster opening it's mouth and eating him!"

Conner and Hook: "RICHARRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!"

Monster: "NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

Conner: "He's eating him."

Hook: "And then he's gonna eat us!"

Conner and Hook: "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

[The plane slams into the ground hard snapping in two and sending the truck and several of the Marines plunging out the back. Conner and Hook both slam head first to the floor and are dazed as the plane's wings snap off and the front end skids and rolls violently across the ground until it's finally comes to a stop over the edge of a portal to hell.]

[Conner comes to the cockpit is dangling upside down over the portal to hell.]

Hook: [In pain] "Kurtz...help...me!"

[Hook dangles for his life from the cockpit window frame. His arm is broken and his wrist is dislocated and badly lacerated to the point that's it's just barely hanging on. the only thing holding it in place is the debris that his arm is pinned under.]

Hook: [Holds out his good arm "Give...me...your hand!"

[Conner crawls over and grabs hold of it.]

Conner: "I've got you just hold on."

[He tries to pull Hook up but the debris his arm's pinned under makes it impossible.]

Conner: [Feels his grip begin to slip] "URGH"

Hook: [begging] "Please Conner please don't let me fall please don't let me fall."

[Suddenly the boys hear the sound of music followed by a woman singing.]

Woman: "There's got to be a morning after if we can hold on through the night."

Conner: "Do you hear that?"

Hook: "Yeah it sounds like the song from the upside down ship movie."

Conner: "What upside down ship movie?"

Hook: "You know the one where that cruise ship get's hit by a big wave and get's tipped upside down and Gene Hackman has to save everybody."

[Conner notices a angel with black hair and a crooked looking nose fly up next to them.

Woman: "We have a chance to find the sunshine let's keep on looking for the light. Hello boys are you in need of rescue?"

Hook: "Yes please I'm trapped under this debris and I don't know how long I can hold on!"

Woman: "Well then. [She instantly changes into...a Succubus her voice turns demonic.] Allow me!"

[Both boys scream as the succubus tries to drag Hook down. Conner tries to hold on but Hook's hand begins to detach. Conner tries shooting the succubus but the bullets have no effect."

Hook: [Hysterical with fear] "CONNER PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!!"

Conner: [Draws his Ka Bar and throws it hitting the succubus in the eye.]

Succubus: "ARGH! MY EYE!" [Her grip slips to Hook's leg and increased weight finally snaps his mangled hand from his wrist!!]

HOOK: "CONNNNNNNNEEEEEEEER!!!" [He plummets down to hell with the succubus holding onto him laughing maniacally all the way.]

Conner: "JAAAAAMMMMMESS!!!" [He watches helpless as his comrade is pulled down to hell. he looks and sees he's still holding Hook's mangled severed hand and finally collapses from his wounds and exhaustion.]

[Conner awakens lying down on a stretcher being loaded into an ambulance. He hears the sound of music but this time from a man."

Chef: [singing] "Everything worked out with a happy end Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down!"

Boys:[singing] "Don't you our little lives are now complete!"

Mom's: [singing] "Cause Terrence and Phillip are sweet."

Sheila: [Kisses Terrence] "Super sweet."

Everyone: [singing] "Thank God we live in this quiet little pissant redneck podunk jerkwater greenhorn one horse mudhole pecker wood rightwing whistlestop hobnail truck driving old fashioned hayseed inbred unkempt out of date out of touch white trash!"

Boys: [Singing] "Kick ass!"

Everyone: [Singing] "Mountain Town!"

[Conner smiles as he falls back asleep again.]


[Cut to Commercial.]

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