Randy walks into the hospital room filled with pictures of asses and buttholes on the walls. He sits down looking uncomfortable. Someone screams in the distance.
The doctor walks into the waiting room, while taking off his poop covered gloves.
Doc: Oof! That was a messy one. Hello, are you Mr. Marsh?
Randy: Yes I am.
Doc: Ok what do we got on the schedule today? It says here that I’m set to enter you at 3:30 sharp. Is that correct?
Randy: E-enter me? It says that?
Doc: Yes. That’s the medical terminology for it.
Randy: You- are a proctologist right?
Doc: Hahahaha. Please follow me. We’ll be going to the anus room.
Int. Anus Room-Day
The doctor and Randy walk into the Anus room.
Doc: Were a loose group around here Mr. Marsh. We tend to get looser as the days go on you understand. And we like our patients to feel open to anything and everything. And if their too tight, we FORCE them to be open!
Randy: Maybe another time would be better.
Doc: Nonsense! Like I was saying, we and everyone around us are very open and we just tend to let loose whatever’s inside of us until it’s whistling out of our bodies. So don’t be afraid to refer to me as the “ass master”. Everyone else does. Now take off your pants and spread those cheeks.
Randy unbuckles his belt, as he takes off his pants slowly and reluctantly.
Randy: Uh-wh-uh-what exactly are you going to be-doing to me today?
Doc: Well, first things first. I need to examine your assh*le. I need to embed myself within your assh*le and put all the other assh*les on my mind. I need to learn about your assh*le and see what makes it tick. I need to think and feel like your assh*le. Your assh*le and I must become one.
Randy: I see.
Doc: Yes. Now since your assh*le is as tight as a balloon knot, were going have to loosen you up a bit before we proceed with further tests.
Randy: Ok-uh-what exactly does that entail?
Doc: Well we start with some small devices, then work our way up.
Randy: Is this normal procedure?
Doc: Oh-it’s very normal. It’s so normal that it would be weird if we didn’t do it. Now you don’t want to be the outsider that didn’t do it-do you? Then everyone in town would refer to you as “Butthole Prude”. You don’t want that to happen do you?
Randy: N-no. Does that stuff really happen?
Doc: Oh-it happens. Alright shall we get start started?
Randy: So-uh what made you want to be a proctologist?
Doc: Well, I was a porn addict for a long time. I can’t tell you how many times I had to have IV’s stuck in me, on account of the dehydration I suffered from constantly jerking off. Anal sex has always been my preference, so I decided to cash in on my preference and make it a profession. So I went to med school and worked as a prison guard. So I’m proud to say, I graduated with a PHD in proctology and minored with the bachelors in sodomy. Hahahaha!
Randy: Are you gay doctor?
Randy: Oh you’re from Finland, well that explains it.
Doc: No, finish your question with my proper name.
Randy: Are you gay doctor… “ass master”?
Doc: Why? Are you homophobic?
Randy: No I’m not homophobic but-
Doc: Because I can tell you right now, I don’t take kindly to those who don’t take kindly to homos.
Randy: I take kindly! I take kindly to homos I swear!
Doc: Well you better, because the “ass master” is known to turn into “Mr. Fist” when he gets angry. And we don’t want to see “Mr. Fist” now would we?
Randy: No doctor ass master.
Doc: Very good. Now where were we? Oh yes! I was just about to shove my way into your assh*le. Now you’re going to feel a little pressure.
Randy weeps in pain.
Doc: Alright, were done.
Randy: Reallly? That wasn’t so ba-
When Randy bends back up, a squeaky is heard.
Randy: What the f*ck is that?
Doc: (Lights a cigarette) Pardon?
Randy bends over and back again, the squeaky sound is heard.
Randy: That! What the f*ck is that?
Doc: Hmm that interesting. Ok see you next week.
Randy: Wait! Wait hold on! What the hell did you do to me?
Doc: Just standard procedure Mr. Marsh.
Randy: But something’s wrong! There’s a squeaky sound coming from my assh*le! Aren’t you going to fix me?!
Doc: You’re probably just farting. The devastating shock your assh*le just took from Mr. Fist probably left the inside of your rectum frightened and afraid, and crying out for help to anyone who may know how to sew up a butchered butthole. Till next time Mr. Marsh.
Doc leaves the room.
Randy walks away with a squeaky sound following his every step.
Ext. South Park Square-Day
The circus has come to South Park, filled with rides, games and bizarre circus characters.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk through the bright and colorful circus, as Cartman runs ahead of them.
Cartman: Come on you guys! We got to check out the midgets! I want to see what happens when we kick them in the balls! Five bucks says they end up in their mouths! Who wants in?
Kyle: Don’t kick the midgets in the balls again fat boy. That’s how we got thrown out last year.
Cartman: Yea but last year my legs were weak and homosexual like a Jewish people’s legs. This year, I know I can kick those midgets’ balls into their mouths!
Kyle: I’m not going to let you do that you fat piece of sh*t!
Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m generously proportioned.
A tall man standing behind a booth, with a large scale next to him, calls out to the boys.
Tall man: Step right up! I’ll guess the weight of your portly friend.
Cartman: What the hell does portly mean?
Tall man: It means “hot”.
Cartman: (Flattered) Oh. Well alright then.
Cartman walks over to the scale.
Cartman: What do I get if I win?
Tall man: How about a 30 day pass to Lard Ass gym down on Peckerwood Street?
Cartman: No. Hot people don’t go to places like that. Try again?
Tall man: Alright, how about some Terrance and Philip dolls?
The tall man holds up some crappy looking Terrance and Philip dolls.
Stan: No! No! No! No! We’ve been through that already.
Cartman: (Whining) But you guys, those dolls look coooo.
Kyle: Ask for something else you rotund behemoth.
Cartman: f*ck you Kyle!
Tall man: How about a bag of cheesy poofs?
Cartman: Cheesy poofs?! I haven’t seen those in years!
Tall man: Yea, they took them off the market after too many parents complained about their five year old getting heart attacks.
Cartman: Bunch of pussies in this world, I swear. Okay I’ll take the cheesy poofs.
Tall man: Alright. That will be five bucks to play.
Cartman gives the Tall man five bucks.
Tall man: I’m going to guess that you’re…Two hundred and four pounds.
Cartman: (Laughs) bullsh*t dude! Give me the cheesy poofs.
Tall man: Well step on the scale first and let’s see where you’re at.
Cartman steps on the scale. The scale reads exactly 204 pounds.
Stan, Kyle and Kenny laugh their asses off.
Cartman: Dude there is no f*cking way! This scale is rigged admit it! Admit this scale is rigged!
Tall man: It’s not. I can prove it. Would someone like to test the scale out for free?
Kyle: I will.
Kyle walks up to the scale.
Tall man: I’m going to guess your seventy pounds even. Step on the scale please.
Kyle steps on the scale. The scale reads exactly seventy pounds.
All the boys and other townsfolk stand and laugh at Cartman.
Stan: Come on guys, I want to check out the freaks.
Kyle: (To Cartman) Yea come on lard ass, let’s go.
All the boys leave.
Cartman: (To the Tall man) Give me those cheesy poofs or I’m going to tell everyone you raped me and got me pregnant and that’s why I weigh so much.
Tall man: Jesus Christ! Here.
The Tall man gives Cartman the bag of cheesy poofs.
Cartman starts walking away with his bag of cheesy poofs.
Cartman: Yea that’s what I thought you sperm burpin bitch.
Int. Kitchen of Stan’s house-Day
Sharon in sadly washing dishes in the sink. We then hear squeaking nearby. Randy then enters the kitchen while squeaking with every step he takes.
Randy: Sharon do we have any ice cream?
Sharon says nothing as she continues to wash dishes in her melancholy state.
Randy: Sh-Sharon. Do we have any ice cream?
Sharon: I always feel down when the circus comes to town.
Randy: Oh yea-the circus. They have some really good churros. Want to get a churro later?
Sharon stops washing the dish in her hand as she pauses at what Randy just said to her.
Randy: Yea. Then maybe we can check out the clowns.
Sharon drops the dish in her hand as it falls and crashes on the ground.
Randy: Yea, the clowns. I don’t know what it is but I always found the clowns to be pretty hot. Yea. You know what, I’m getting kind of horny just thinking about it. Hey Sharon. What do you say we go upstairs and I make you a sperm balloon? What do you think?
Sharon stands perfectly still without blinking her eyes, as she stares at nothing in particular.
Sharon: Yes. Yes. I’ll go with you. I like balloons. I like balloons.
Randy walks over to Sharon, while squeaking with every step and puts his hand on Sharon’s back and motions her out of the kitchen. Both Randy and Sharon leave the room. We then hear further squeaking as Randy again enters the kitchen and retrieves some ice cream from the freezer and sticks it in the back of his pants.
Stan: (Sighs) Oh yea. Hey Sharon, wait up!
Randy runs over to Sharon, squeaking away as he goes.
Int. Randy and Sharon’s bedroom-Day
Randy and Sharon are underneath the covers of their bed. Randy is on top of Sharon, humping away. The squeaking sound is heard with each thrust Randy gives Sharon.
Sharon is lying on her back, still motionless and still staring up at the ceiling without blinking at all. We motion in on Sharon’s eyes, while all we hear is the squeaking noise.
Ext. Flashback/Circus tent-Day
A little girl is holding a churro as she stares up at a clown with a red nose. The clown squeaks his nose at the little girl. The little girl laughs.
Clown: Hello. What’s your name?
Clown: Sharon. That’s a very pretty name. Do you like clowns Sharon?
Clown: (Gasps) You do? Well then I think you deserve a treat. Do you like balloons Sharon?
Sharon: Yes I love balloons.
Clown: Well I’ve got a special balloon I’d like to give you. If you follow me into that tent over there, I can give it to you. Would you like to come with me to get your balloon?
Sharon: Alright, let’s go.
The clown and little Sharon walk toward the dark tent.
Int. Randy and Sharon’s bedroom-Day
We are close up on Sharon’s unblinking eyes, as we pull back and hear the squeaking sound again and again and again.
Randy: Awwww! Sharon! I think I’m about to-
Sharon: That’s not a balloon!!!
Sharon then throws Randy off of her. Randy falls to the ground naked. Sharon then jumps on top of Randy and starts beating the crap out of him.
Randy: Sharon! Sharon why?! Stop Sharon! I’m cumming! I’m cumming Sharon! I’m cumming and it hurts! I’m cumming and it hurts!
Sharon is once again cleaning the dishes in the sink. Stan comes into the room dressed like a clown and holding a balloon.
Stan: Hey mom do we have any ice cream?
Sharon: (Sniffs) I smell churros.
Stan: Oh yea, me and the guys had some churros at the circus.
Sharon: The circus. I always feel down-
Stan: -when the circus comes to town. Yea I know mom, you keep saying that. Do we have any ice cream?
Sharon turns around.
Sharon: I think your father put the rest of the ice cream up his ass-
Sharon stops and stares at Stan dressed up in his clown outfit.
Sharon: My god. He gave me a son. That child, raping, bastard clown gave me a son.
Sharon grabs a knife from the sink.
Stan: Mom…what the hell are you doing?
Sharon: Must kill rape baby. Must kill.
Stan: Dad! Dad!
We can hear squeaking coming closer and closer as Sharon begins to step toward Stan.
A completely brutalized mangled Randy enters the kitchen.
Randy: What is it Stan!
Randy shrieks at the sight of Sharon with the knife.
Randy: Run Stan! Run!
Sharon keeps walking toward Randy and Stan.
Randy: Sharon! Sharon stop! Sharon! Sharon!
Int. Mental Institution-Night
Stan and Randy stand outside of a door with a small window looking into the room, where we can see Sharon’s face. A doctor stands with Stan and Randy.
Randy: What’s going on with her Doctor?
Doctor: A whole lot of sh*t Mr. Marsh. You wife has suffered a nervous breakdown caused by subdued psychological trauma. When your wife was a little girl, she was raped by a clown at the circus. The squeaking sound the clown made is the same squeaking sound your ass is making, while the clown did the deed. The smell of churros from Stan reminded Sharon of the churro she had eaten right before the raping commenced.
Randy: Jesus. Well what do we do now? Will she ever get over this?
Doctor: Well let me ask you this? Do you have a time machine?
Doctor: I see. Are you a hypnotist?
Randy: No, but I’m a geologist. Does that help?
Doctor: Not in the least. I’m afraid Mr. Marsh that your wife is helpless. If you’d like to come clean up her poop diaper every once in a while, the janitors would appreciate it immensely. My condolences.
The doctor leaves.
Stan: This can’t be it. We can’t let mom end up this way.
Randy : Well what do suggest we do Stan? We get some hypnotist to scramble your mother’s brain and erase any trace of memory of her psychological trauma.
Randy: And what then? We get rid of all the clowns and abolish churros from South Park forever?
Stan: Yea let’s do that.
Randy: Oh who are we kidding?! It’ll never work. People love clowns. How can we possibly get everyone on board to unanimously hate them? We’re not that persuasive son. We come from a long lineage of fools. Marry someone smart son, just like I did. But before you do, make sure she didn’t get raped by a clown.
Stan: Your right Dad. We’re not persuasive. But I know someone who is.
Int. Cartman’s basement-Day
Cartman sits behind a nice wooden desk, and holds his hands together like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.
Cartman: And what do I get out of all of this if I say “yes”?
Stan and Randy sit in chairs across from Cartman.
Randy: What do you want?
Cartman: Star Wars Battlefront 2.
Stan: On PS4 or Xbox one?
Randy: Isn’t that game like Sixty bucks?
Cartman: Not including taxes, yes.
Randy: Yeesh. That’s a little steep.
Stan: Dad! We’re doing this for mom, remember?!
Randy: I know, it’s just-I wasn’t prepared to spend that much is all.
Cartman: So-do we have a deal?
Randy: (To Stan) Will you pitch in?
Randy: (To Cartman) Okay we have a deal.
Int. News Room-Day
We see a “BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN” shooting across a television screen. A male news anchor named Tom appears on the screen.
Tom: Breaking news in South Park, Colorado. A loud mouth fat kid from South Park Elementary is protesting the circus clowns that have been entertaining South park for the past few days. The portly little fellow made a statement regarding clowns just this morning.
Ext. South Park Square-Day
Cartman stands at a podium with a large crowd surrounding him.
Cartman: Good people of South Park, if you fear for your children’s safety then head my warning. These clowns have bad intentions and have already initiated they’re evil plan.
Crowd member 1: What’s the plan?
Cartman: They’re plan is to turn your children into murderers and rapists, all while wearing clown make up.
Crowd member 2: That’s not true.
Cartman presses play on a nearby CD player. The music playing is by “ICP”. Cartman then stops the CD player.
Cartman: Isn’t it?
Crowd member 3: My god.
Cartman: That’s right. And if you want more proof at how dire this situation has become. Just look at this.
Cartman pushes Butters from behind his podium. Butters is covered in clown make up and blood, as he struggles and hisses while being wrangled with rope.
The entire crowd gasps at the sight of Butters.
A clown group starts to form amongst the crowd.
Clown 1: Hey this kid is full of sh*t. We’re just clowns. Our main goal is to make kids happy. It’s a part of our ten commandments.
Cartman: I’ve read you’re Ten Commandments you balloon blowing fag! And it said thou shall recruit children to rape, murder and pillage. How do you explain that?!
Clown 1: You’re clearly making this all up. Anyone can see that?
All the crowd people look at the clown suspiciously.
Clown 1: Oh come on people, you can’t be serious.
Cartman: That’s right clowns. These intelligent citizens won’t be duped any longer to your duplicitous charade.
Crowd member 4: That’s right!
Cartman: I say we rape, murder and pillage these butt f*cking clowns before they get the chance to do the same to us! Show your children what good people do to those who supposedly bare a threat to your community, without valid evidence. What do you say my good people?!
The crowd erupts into a rambunctious cheer.
Stan goes up to Cartman on the podium and whispers into his ear. Once Stan is done he leaves and Cartman once again approaches the podium.
Cartman: Good people! Before we start to rape, murder and pillage the clowns, it must be noted that the clowns have been using churros to poison your children with murderous, sexual thoughts. So let’s get rid of those f*cking things too.
The crowd erupts in cheer once again.
Crowd member 5: Yea f*ck churros!
Cartman: Well alright. Let’s f*ck up the clowns!
The crowd then murders and rapes the clowns.
Int. Doctor’s waiting room-Day
Randy and Stan sit in a doctor’s waiting room.
Randy and Stan are watching the news bulletin on the television.
Randy: I can’t believe it worked.
Stan: I can. We aren’t the only ones who come from a long lineage of fools’ dad. We live in a world filled with simple minded idiots who will follow anyone who talks loudly on a podium.
Randy: How did I ever raise such a smart son?
Stan: You didn’t. Mom did.
Randy: Oh yea. Thank god that hypnotist erased her memory. It’s good to have her back to normal again. Now it’s my turn.
Randy squeaks loudly as he gets up from his chair.
Int. Anus room-Day
Doctor ass master walks into a room while looking at his notebook.
Doctor: And how are we today Mr. Cruise?! Not too sore I hope.
Doctor Ass master looks up and sees that Randy is sitting on the hospital bed.
Doc: Mr. Marsh I wasn’t expecting you so early. Miss me did you.
Randy: You gave me something last time I saw you. Today I’m giving it back.
Doc: What did I give you?
Randy: Don’t play innocent kitten butt f*cker, you know what you gave me.
Doc: Well whatever you think is up your ass, it isn’t scheduled to come out for another few days so I’ll see you then. Good day to you.
Doctor ass master is a clown!
Doctor tries to leave the room but a ton of people block his way.
Randy: Like I said. I’m giving it back to you, today. Whether you like it or not.
All the people blocking the doctor’s way, force the doctor onto the bed and hold his mouth open. Randy gets onto the bed, takes off his pants and squats over doctor’s face. Randy sh*ts all over doctor until finally the squeaky toy falls into doctor’s mouth.
Randy: Have a nice rest of your day doctor sh*t breathe. Oh by the way people, I think the clown doctor has a churro up his ass, be sure to give him a checkup.
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