"People Don't Kill People, Dicks Kill People"

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Randy Marsh 2016
Posts: 64
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2015 12:38 am

"People Don't Kill People, Dicks Kill People"

Postby Randy Marsh 2016 » Mon Aug 15, 2016 7:25 am

[Opening Scene - Main Street, South Park, day, everyone is playing "Canadian Go"]

MAN I : "I got one! I got one!"

MAN 2: "What? You did?"

MAN 1: "Yes! I got Tim!"

MAN 3: "I got him too!"

MAN 4: "I love this game!"

MAN 5: "Woo hoo!"

MAN 6: "This is the greatest game ever!"

MR. MACKEY: "Hey, principal victoria. How much Canadians have you caught?"

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: "I caught a few, I'm not quite done training them though"

(someone is playing the game while driving his car. He's looking at his phone)

MAN IN THE CAR: "I need to find one, I need to find one!"

(the car ends up on the side walk, it keeps going and the guy in the car says "Come on, almost found one...")

PEDESTRIAN: (sees the car coming) "Look out!"

(the car runs over the crowd of people and then...)

MAN IN THE CAR: "I found one!"

(he turns left into a shop window, crashing the car inside the store)

[Channel 9 news]

TOM: "10 people died today when someone was playing the popular mobile game "Canadian Go" while driving. The game itself has lead to many people getting hurt, killed and yes, even raped"


(a man approaches someone on the street)

MAN: "hey, do you want to know where you can find a Canadian?"

WOMAN: "Yes! Where?!"

MAN: "Up my ass"

WOMAN: "What? Really?!"

MAN: "Yes. (pulls his pants down) its up there... Just reach far up there with your phone..."

(the woman smiles as she walks towards him)

(video ends. second video begins)

(kids are playing the game)

MAN: "Hey kids, there's a new Canadian, you wanna find it?"

KID: "Yes I do! Where is it?"

MAN: "It's in my van over there"

KID: "Okay!"

(another man approaches the man talking to the kid)

MAN 2: "hey want find a Canadian? I know where you can get a really good one"

MAN: "Uhh, I'm kinda busy with this kid right now"

MAN 2: "Come on, it's the biggest Canadian ever. It's very strong and fast. But we have to go into that dark ally over there to get it"

MAN: "(thinks for a second) hmm... Sorry kid, I have to get this Canadian!"

(he leaves the kid alone and goes with the man)

(video ends. Third video begins)

(a man is in his car and he pulls up beside another driver)

MAN: "Hey, where can I find a really good Canadian?"

MAN 2: "Uh, it's over that cliff over there"

MAN: "Thanks!"

(He drives off the cliff, then the car explodes)

(Video ends. Back to the news)

TOM: "Because of all the tragedies caused by the mobile game, President Obama said that our country seems to be prone to stuff like this and it should stop. Scientists even say that the U.S. Is pretty much brain dead and also, a tumor seems to be growing in the south west, which means this will all end along with America itself, which could become Canada and/or Mexico by 2026"

[South Park community center, night]

MAYOR: "Alright everyone, this "Canadian Go" thing has gone out of hand. People are being killed, robbed, killed and then robbed, robbed and the killed..."

REDNECK: "Well, what are we gonna do? This game has taken over the world! Are kids are into it, half the town is into it, Hillary Clinton seems to be into it, next our bosses will fire us so they can get rid of their responsibilities and play the game all day! They're gonna take our jobs!"

REDNECK 2: "They terk err jerbs!"

REDNECK 3: "Derrk hurr derbs!"

REDNECK 4: "hurt her berrbs!"

JIMBO: "What?"

STEPHEN: "Come on, it's not that bad, it's a fun game. Butters loves it too"

BUTTERS: "I'm a hockey rink leader!"

GERALD: "That game is bad! All you do is get a Canadian and take care of it. It's boring, It kills people and it takes your virginity in three different ways! We need to ban it!"

RANDY: "Come on Gerald, Mobile games don't hurt people, people hurt people... With mobile games"

MR. GARRISON: "Yeah, and it's obviously more than three ways"

SKEETER: "Well, we need to do something. People need to just be careful so they don't accidentally hurt or kill someone"

MAYOR: "But what about the people who want to kill people on purpose?"

REDNECK: "Now you just wait a minute! Why would you want to kill someone on purpose?"

RANDY: "Uh, Diseases?"

STEPHEN: "Diseases?"

RANDY: "Yes. And I mean the really bad ones. Not like Cancer or Aids"

STEPHEN: "What's worse then cancer?"

STUART: "Ebola and Zika of course!"

HARRISON YATES: "Well, we need to do something fast! Before it's to late"

SHARON: "Wait. Isn't this game from Canada or something? Are they having the same problems as us?"

MAYOR: "Well, there doesn't seem to be a lot of things happening in Canada right now, it's pretty much just boring"

STEPHEN: "How about we just try to be more careful?"

HARRISON YATES: "We could try to be more careful. How hard can it be?"

JIMBO: "Yeah"

MAYOR: "It is a fun game... Oh, alright. This game gets three more chances, but we have to just be careful"

EVERYONE: "Woo hoo! Yeah!"

MR. MACKEY: "let's get some Canadians!"

[outside the community center - everyone is leaving]

SHARON: "I don't get it. What's so fun about this game?"

SHEILA: "I know. Everyone seems to be so into it"

LINDA: "Especially the men"

(Stephen tries to make Gerald play the game)

STEPHEN: "Come on Gerald, just try it"

GERALD: "No! It's dumb!"

MR. GARRISON: "Come on, don't be an s.o.b."

GERALD: "Fine! I'll try it! It probably isn't that bad anyway"

MR. GARRISON: "Its not bad at all, Gerald"

[Outside Cartman's house, night - the boys are playing the game]

CARTMAN: "I think I'm going to be the best you guys”

CRAIG: "No, I have to be the best'

CARTMAN: "Uh, no Craig, you don't seem to get it. Only one person can be the best, and that's me"

CRAIG: "Uh, actually, anyone can be the best, Cartman"

CARTMAN: "Screw you, Craig!"

(Cartman walks away)

CRIAG: "No! Screw you! I'll be the best by the end of the summer!"

CARTMAN: (yelling at him from a distance) "I'll be the best by next week!"

CRAIG: (yelling at him from a distance) "I'll be the best by August 7th!"

(Butters walks by)

CRAIG: "Hey, Butters"

BUTTERS: "Yes, Craig?"

CRAIG: "Who is going to be the best, me or Cartman?"

BUTTERS: "Uhh probably Eric"

CRAIG: "What? Why do you think that?"

BUTTERS: "Well, because he said was. He's confident that he'll be the best!"

CRAIG: "Yeah, but he doesn't deserve it"

BUTTERS: "Well, I think everyone deserves to be the best, Craig. You can't think that you're the only one who could be the best"

(Butters walks away)

CRAIG: "What? No! Damnit!"

[Inside the Marsh home]

RANDY: "Wow, our kids are really into that game"

SHARON: "I know, but I don't want them to get hurt. You heard about all the stuff going on didn't you?"

RANDY: "Yes, but we shouldn't be too protective, and also, this craze should be over by September anyway, so this won't go on for too long"

[meanwhile in Canada...]

CANADIAN 1: "Yay! I got one!"

CANADIAN 2: "who did you catch?"

CANADIAN 1: "I caught Timmy!"

CANADIAN 3: "Well, I just caught Gordon!"

CANADIAN 4: "I don't get it. What kind of game is this anyway?"

CANADIAN 2: "It's a really fun game! All you do is find a Canadian, train it in a hockey rink or an LCBO, battle other Canadians with powers such as "Maple Wings", "Hockey Shield", "Drake", "Queef Tornado", "Fart Thunder", "Butt Fudge", White Pee Splooge", Scrotal discharge",o and heal other Canadians with powers such as "Free Health Care", "Booze" and much more!, and then you can become a Canadian master!"

CANADIAN 4: "Wow, maybe I should try it out, buddy!"

CANADIAN 2: "That's a great idea, guy!"

[Canadian Parliament, day - Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is playing Canadian Go]

TRUDEAU: "Wow, this game is really fun! I just caught one and I'm still training Timmy, who gets power from doughnuts"

AIDE: "I know, buddy. It's awesome!"

AIDE 2: "yeah, but doesn't this all seem a little crazy?"

AIDE 1: "What are you talking about, friend?"

TRUDEAU: "Yeah, what's the big deal, guy?"

AIDE 2: "Well I'm just saying, this game has caused lots of... controversy"

TRUDEAU: "Don't worry aboot it, all that stuff is happening in other countries. Canada is the safest country on earth since the early-mid 1900s"

AIDE 2: "People could get hurt, guy. Do you really want that, buddy?"

TRUDEAU: "Wait a minute. I'm your guy and your buddy?"

AIDE 2: "That doesn't matter, friend. We need to keep people safe"

AIDE 1: "Oh no, don't listen to him Trudeau! He's infecting you with liberalism!"

TRUDEAU: "Uh, buddy, I'm a liberal too, and I don't want people to get hurt either. I don't know what to do"

AIDE 1: "Don't ban the game completely, just release a PSA, telling people to be careful"

TRUDEAU: "I'll see what I can do"

[Back in South Park - the kids are playing Canadian Go in Stan's backyard]

KYLE: "Cartman, who did you catch recently?"

CARTMAN: "I caught your balls, Kyle"

KYLE: "No!, seriously, who did you catch?"

CARTMAN: "Kyle, I'm for real. I caught your balls"

KYLE: "Okay, show me!"

CARTMAN: "What?"

KYLE: "Show me that you caught a Canadian named "Your balls""

CARTMAN: "Uh, okay" (Cartman let's kyle look at his phone, and it turns out there is a Canadian named "Balls")

KYLE: "What?"

CARTMAN: "I told you Kyle, but you didn't listen"

KYLE: "Wait a minute. You said "Your balls", but that Canadian is named "Balls""

CARTMAN: "It doesn't matter, Kyle. All that matters is that I'm right, and your wrong"

(Kyle looks angry, he walks over to Stan)

KYLE: "Hey, Stan, what's on your mind?"

STAN: "Well, I'm getting pissed at people who post presentations on the Internet promising relief from stuff such as anxiety, and repeating to you all the benefits you'll get from using the techniques promised to be given in the presentation before telling you at the end that you have to pay $65 to learn the techniques. It's like "hey I'm going to help you get out of your troubles by giving you techniques to solve them without medication! By the end of this presentation, you will now how to be free from your troubles" and they keep repeating it over and over, until they say "instead of posting the simple techniques on the Internet like a normal, helpful person who actually seems like they want to help people, I'm going to ask for 65$! f*ck you, you won't mind! That's what's on my mind!"

KYLE: "Okay, that was uncalled for, I'll just leave you alone"

CLYDE: "So, Butters, you're a hockey rink leader?"

BUTTERS: "Yes I am"

KENNY: "(I'm almost a hockey rink leader)"

CRAIG: "If I could be a Canadian Master, I would be so happy"

BUTTERS: "Well, I'm not a Canadian Master yet, but I'm almost there"

(Randy walks out into the backyard)

RANDY: "Uh, boys?"

CRAIG: "What?"

RANDY: "Make sure that your being safe, alright?"

STAN: "What do you mean dad? We're being safe"

RANDY: "Okay, I'm just making sure. You don't want to be killed or be accidentally killing people, or lure people into your spooky van and rape them"

STAN: "Dad, we're in the backyard, not on the street"

CLYDE: "And we don't have guns either"

CARTMAN: "Yeah, we're not going to kill anyone or steal their money. Kyle however..."

RANDY: "Alright, I'm just making sure everything is safe"

CRAIG: "It's fine!"

RANDY: "Okay"

(Randy goes back inside and the kids continue playing)

CARTMAN: "I think I should become a Youtube commentator again. This game is tits!"

[Inside the Marsh home]

RANDY: "So, Sharon, the kids are safe in the backyard, right?"

SHARON: "I guess so"

RANDY: "Alright then, good"

[A truck driver is driving through South Park while playing the game]

DRIVER: "I need to find one right now!"

(the game tells him that there's a Canadian in a backyard near him)

DRIVER: "Yes! I found one!"

(he turns the truck into the backyards of many houses, not caring what or who he runs over)

[In the Marsh home]

(Randy hears something loud while going to the bathroom)

RANDY: "Oh, I had too much Mexican food this morning"

(he hears the sound again, realizing its not his Mexican farts)

RANDY: "Huh? What was that noise?"

(Randy goes downstairs)

RANDY: "Uh, Sharon, what's going on?"

SHARON: "Well, look at whats happening"

(Randy looks at whats happening on the news)

TOM: "breaking news coming straight outta South Park this hour, as a truck driver, drove his mack truck into a residential neighborhood, driving through many backyards except for one lucky bastards backyard"

(back to Sharon and Randy)

RANDY: "Oh no. Staaaaannn" (runs into the backyard)

(the kids realize that a truck drove through everyone's backyards)

KYLE: "Did any of you hear that sound? I was too busy looking for a Canadian"

CARTMAN: "Yes, Kyle, a big fat f*cking truck drove by and destroyed everyone's backyards. Didn't you notice? And also, you can hardly find any Canadians here, because it's such a small space! We need to go out on to the road or something"

CRAIG: "Uh, I didn't notice either"

(Randy comes running outside)

RANDY: "Boys! Come back inside! It's not safe out here!"

KYLE: "What? It's perfectly fine out here"

CARTMAN: "Yeah, other than the truck everything is fine"

(a small plane crashes into a house)

CARTMAN: "What the f*ck was that?!"

RANDY: "Get inside!"

(the boys and Randy run inside)

[Inside the Marsh home]

STAN: "Dad, what's going on?"

RANDY: "It's "Canadian Go", Stan. everyone is obsessed with it! No one is paying attention to anything!"

KYLE: "But, it is a fun game"

RANDY: "killing yourself isn't fun boys! Being raped isn't fun! You think it's fun?"

CARTMAN: "Thats not the only thing though. It's really fun in other ways too"

STAN: "Yeah, dad its really fun"

RANDY: "Yeah but... (changing his mind about it being dangerous) How fun is it?"

CARTMAN: "I guarantee you it's the best time that you'll waste in 2016, Mr. Marsh"

RANDY: "Well, uh, I guess I'll try it out... But only for a little while. I don't want to be sexually offended"

---Part 2---

[Justin Trudeau PSA]

ANNOUNCER: "This is a message from The Government of Canada"

TRUDEAU: "Hi, I'm Justin Trudeau, and I want to talk about how the game "Canadian Go" is creating worldwide controversy. I'm just saying that I want people to be safe, so what I'm going to do is put up big billboards in all major cities across Canada that say "Pay attention to your game", which will obviously definitely remind people to be careful and pay attention to your surroundings when playing mobile games like "Canadian Go", and whoever doesn't follow the rules will be fined 100 dollars and will probably will be sent to prison for one or two nights and then will be let go. thanks for listening"

(end of PSA)

TRUDEAU: "You think that's gonna work?"

AIDE 2: "I hope so"

AIDE 1: "It should work, just like the "text and drive" billboards we put up"

(Justin Trudeau gets a call from the Canadian Minister of Mobile Gaming)

TRUDEAU: "hey, buddy"

MINISTER: "hey, Trudeau, how's it going, friend"

TRUDEAU: "It's fine, what do you want, guy?"

MINISTER: "I heard your telling people to be careful when playing the game I released last month"

TRUDEAU: "well, yes, but..."

MINISTER: "Now, you listen, buddy, I'm not going to let you boss the players around"

TRUDEAU: "Uh, I'm not bossing the players around, buddy, I'm just telling them to be safe"

MINISTER: "Yeah, well I think I should have complete power over my game and my players"

TRUDEAU: "Yeah, but, I'm the prime minister, and your just the minister of mobile gaming"

MINISTER: "Uh huh, and guess what, I'm also the one controlling not only the Canadian gaming industry, but I also control the Canadian film and music industry. Did you forget about that, friend? I'm pretty much on the same level as you are"

TRUDEAU: "What is that supposed to mean?"

MINISTER: "It means I should be the prime minister, guy"

TRUDEAU: "That doesn't make any sense!"

MINISTER: "It does to me, buddy"

TRUDEAU: "Well, then I'm not your buddy, guy"

MINISTER: "Well I'm not your guy, friend"

TRUDEAU: "Well, I'm not your friend, buddy!"

MINISTER: "Well, I'm not your buddy, guy!"

(Trudeau hangs up)

[Main Street, South Park. Everyone is still playing the game]

RANDY: "Wow, this is really fun!"

STEPHEN: "Yeah, it's awesome!"

RANDY: "Oh, I got Bryan, he has the power of Zika Diarrhea"

STEPHEN: "Oh, uh, well, I already got Celine and she is more powerful than Bryan. She has the power of butt fudge"

RANDY: "huh? Butt fudge?"

STEPHEN: "Randy, there are some Canadians who are stronger than others, what you need to do is find stronger Canadians or train your..."

RANDY: "I know what to do, Stephen. gawl"

(Randy walks away)

RANDY: "Bryan isn't as strong as Celine my ass. What about Avril, or Sydney, or Shawn?"

(Randy bumps into someone)

MAN 1: "Hey, watch it! I need to find a Canadian! I don't need to deal with assh*les like you!"

RANDY: "Okay, gawl!"

[the two farmers are talking]

FARMER 1: (sighs) "I just don't get it"

FARMER 2: "You don't get what?"

FARMER 1: "This whole craze over a game that you play on your mobile device"

FARMER 2: "What kind of game is it?"

FARMER 1: "It's this game where you have to walk around and find little people, then make them stronger or something like that"

FARMER 2: "Well, I don't understand kids these days"

FARMER 1: "It's not just the kids, its adults too, and I think even Donald Trump and Clinton are into it"

FARMER 2: "Am I getting older or is the world getting younger?"

[Rio Olympics]

ANNOUNCER: "And now back to the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio... on NBC"

COMMENTATOR: "Alright, this is a new sport that is only going to be played at this year's Olympic games, it's called the "Canadian Go Run", where the athletes try to get Canadians for their own country"

COMMENTATOR 2: "And what exactly is their goal?"

COMMENTATOR: "Their goal is to get as much Canadians for their country. And it seems that China is ahead of everyone"

CHINESE ATHLETE: "Ha, Russia beats all of you, we are the best"

US ATHLETE: "No your not, America is. You people don't get us, you think we like to play with guns all willy nilly! some kid buys a gun, shoots his brother in a game of cops and robbers or a kid plays a video game and then grabs a gun laying there on the floor and shoots up a school..."

UK ATHLETE: "That's just horrible! You need to get rid of guns right now! And I need to get a Canadian right now"

US ATHLETE: "Hey! Don't blame guns, blame video games! It's obvious that the more people who play video games, the higher the amount of mass shootings!"

AUSTRALIAN ATHLETE: "That's just horrible, mate, you really need to do something about guns, and it's not video games that are causing mass shootings, it's people who have access to guns that are causing mass shootings"

US ATHLETE: "Don't be silly, video games cause people to get guns and kill people"

AUSTRALIAN ATHLETE: "No, they don't, mental illness is behind it all!"

US ATHLETE: "Why are we talking about this right now? We have to look for damn Canadians and..."

COMMENTATOR: "And China Wins!, this is the best thing I've ever witnessed!"

US ATHLETE: "Oh, thanks Australia"

AUSTRALIAN ATHLETE: "Hey! You're the one who distracted us with politics!"

US ATHLETE: "Yeah, well I hate China for winning"

CHINESE ATHLETE: "Hey! Werr you have to rive with it Arright? I got pretty much all the Canadians, from Horton to Fartso"

JAPANESE ATHLETE: "Yeah, werr you are a disgrace to the japanese, you srant eyed f*ck!"

CHINESE ATHRETE: "Ok that's it! If you ever come to a China, we are gonna cut you up rike dog!"

UK ATHLETE: "That's it I'm leaving!"

POLAND ATHLETE: "Hey, you can't just leave us like that for no reason"

UK ATHLETE: "Yes I can! Even though one part of me thinks that I should stay, but the other part of me is like "f*ck it, I'm outta here!", so I'm going with "f*ck it I'm outta here!"

POLISH ATHLETE: "Aw, come on! This is just stupid"

UK ATHLETE: "Screw you guys, I'm leaving!"

COMMENTATOR: "Well it looks like China is the best, congratulations you sons of bitches"

[The office of the Canadian Minister of Mobile Gaming]

AGENT: "So, what are we gonna do about the prime minister?"

MINISTER: "Well, I was thinking, for "Canadian Go", we could bring out a new Canadian that will make only one person the best"

AGENT: "Why only one person?"

MINISTER: "Because, If everyone is the best, then it would just be boring. But if one person is the best, then other people would wish they were that person"

AGENT 2: "But doesn't that seem unfair?, because I think everyone should be the best"

MINISTER: "Just remember, there can only be one best person, alright, buddy?"

[Marsh home]

SHARON: "So, Randy, how much Canadians did you catch?"

RANDY: "Uh, twenty seven, Sharon. Just twenty seven. I need more so I can be the best"

SHARON: "Uh huh"

RANDY: "It's very complicated stuff, Sharon! I have to train my Canadians, battle other Canadians. It's a lot of work!"

SHARON: "All right"

RANDY: "Yeah! Lots of work!"

(Randy starts walking away, but the news comes on and it catches his attention)

TOM: "The creator of "Canadian Go" has given information about where you can find the best Canadian of them all"

(back to Randy)

RANDY: "What?"

(back to the news)

TOM: "Yes, it seems that a Canadian named "Toque" can be found anywhere near Denver, Colorado. It has been said that this Canadian has a very special power, which will make you the best of them all and you don't even have to catch all of them to be the best if you catch him! but there is only one, so only one person can have this Canadian. And it has even caught the attention of terrorist group ISIS, who wants to use that power for their own purposes"

(video released by ISIS)

ISIS MAN: "We must get this Canadian and use its power to take down our enemies! We are going to be the best!"

ISIS MAN 2: "Yeah!"

(back to Tom)

TOM: "And even celebrities want to get in on the action"

(video from The Ellen DeGeneres show)

KANYE WEST: "I know I'm going to get that Canadian!"

ELLEN: "Why do you think that?"

KANYE WEST: "Duh! I'm the greatest! And I need to be greater! I'm the greatest of the great right now, but I need to be the greaterist of the greaterist!"

(back to the news)

TOM: "However, if you don't live near Denver, you can always either just find them all or find one of the two secondary legandaries in Area 51 or The 9/11 memorial, which will only make you 75% the best"

(Back to Randy)

RANDY: (he stands there, staring at the tv) "I have to be the best!"

(Randy runs outside and many other people are also outside talking about the special Canadian)

GERALD: "Did you hear about the best Canadian?"

STEPHEN: "Yes. I need to get it! I need to be the best!"

(The boys are also going to the Denver area)

CARTMAN: "Okay, I deserve to have this Canadian. So if you guys can just be nice and..."

KYLE: "It's whoever gets it first is the best! No one deserves it fatass!"

CARTMAN: "Kyle, that's crazy. I deserve to be the best, alright bro?"

JIMMY: "I n-n-need to get that Canadian"


[Canadian Prime Ministers office - his two aides come rushing in]

AIDE: "Mr. Trudeau! We have some bad news"

TRUDEAU: "What is it, buddy?"

AIDE: "The maker of Canadian Go just told everyone that you can find a very special Canadian in Denver!"

TRUDEAU: "What?"

AIDE 2: "He said it can only be found in the Denver area, it possesses a very strong power, and there is only one"

TRUDEAU: "What's so bad aboot that?"

AIDE: "It has attracted the attention of ISIS!"

TRUDEAU: "ISIS? That's it! I have to ban the game! I have no other choice!"

[CB24 News]

ANNOUNCER: "This is CB24 news Toronto"

FARTAUNAH FORD: "Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is planning on banning the Canadian mobile game "Canadian Go" after the maker of the game released information about a very special Canadian that can only be found in the Denver area, Colorado, which has caught worldwide attention. He wants to ban it because it has also caught the attention of terrorist group ISIS. He is concerned that many people will get hurt, so he must ban the game altogether to stop people from dieing"

[the office of the Canadian Minister of Mobile Gaming - the minister is watching the news]

MINISTER: "Well then. Trudeau thinks he can ban Canadian Go?, well guess what, I'll show him who should have real power"

AGENT: "What are you talking about?"

MINISTER: "I am the minister of mobile gaming! I should have power over what I do! No one should tell me to stop what I'm doing ever!"

AGENT 2: "Even if it kills people?"

MINISTER: "The game doesn't kill people, ignorance does!"

AGENT 1: "Well what are you going to do aboot it?"

MINISTER: "Well, my dad is the general of the Canadian army, I'll see how he can help"

(The minister calls his father)

MINISTER: "Uh hey dad"

CANADIAN GENERAL: "Hey son, how can I help you, buddy?"

MINISTER: "You know Justin Trudeau is going to ban Canadian Go, right?"

CANADIAN GENERAL: "Yes, and we should respect his authority!"

MINISTER: "And... you love that game, don't you?"

CANADIAN GENERAL: "Well, yes I do"

MINISTER: "And you would be sad if he banned it, wouldn't you be?"

CANADIAN GENERAL: "Well... I guess"

MINISTER: "Just admit it, buddy! You love that game and it loves you, you don't want it banned and all you have to do is stop the prime minister from banning it, alright guy?"

CANADIAN GENERAL: (sighs) "Yes, but how can we stop it from getting banned?"

MINISTER: "Don't worry, buddy. I have a plan"

---Part 3---

[A view of Ottawa is shown. All of a sudden, explosions are heard, smoke can be seen rising from random places and gun shots are heard]

(The military is occupying the streets)

CANADIAN GENERAL: "We are true north strong and free, Whoever disagrees can smell our pee!"

SOLDIERS: "We are true north strong and free, whoever disagrees can smell our pee!"

CITIZEN: "What's going on, buddy?"

PASSING SOLDIER: "Were trying to take power from Justin Trudeau, friend"

CITIZEN: "Oh okay, buddy"

PASSING SOLDIER: "Do you want to join us, friend?"

CITIZEN: "Sure, buddy!"

PASSING SOLDIER: "It's private buddy, buddy!"

CITIZEN: "Well, I'm not your private buddy, friend!"

PASSING SOLDIER: "Well now you are, guy!"

CITIZEN: "Damnit!"

CANADIAN GENERAL: "Canadian Go must live on!"

[CB24 news]

ANNOUNCER: "This is CB24 news"

(news headlines at the bottom says: "Japanese family not charged for leaving their son alone in the wild. The family says that in japan, all children who don't listen to them are left alone in a forest without food and water for 12 hours")

WHATTAH DOWNER: "A Coup D'etat, which is french for something, but I don't care because I was born in Ontario, has begun happening all over the nation just a half an hour ago. The Canadian minister of mobile gaming has admitted to causing the coup so he can gain complete control over everything he does in the mobile gaming industry, so nothing can be done aboot it. The military is asking citizens to help them save Canadian Go from "the evil Justin Trudeau", who wants to ban it, and Montreal, Toronto, Newmarket, Ottawa and Vancouver are already occupied by the military coup. This is what the minister had to say to Justin Trudeau"

(A video of the Canadian Minister of Mobile Gaming speaking out to Justin Trudeau starts playing)

MINISTER: "All I wanted to do was create a game that's fun for everyone, and you want to ban it? Screw you buddy! I think you've done enough when you changed the lyrics of the Canadian national anthem from "All our buddies eat kraft dinnah" to "Everybody eats Kraft Dinnah" Just so the food industry would stop complaining and make sure that everybody is eating their sh*tty food because it says that everybody does!. You can't tell me what to do anymore, buddy! Don't even try!"

(another news headlines says: "Starbucks releases aluminum "safety straws for kids"")

(video ends - back to the news)

(another news headlines says "A town populated 98% by grumpy people over the age of 80 are complaining about a tree house in their neighborhood that is an eye sore, and they would like it to be removed. They say that they "don't give a sh*t about the kids who like it, they only care about their comfort and it should be taken down", their 105 year old mayor agreed to have it taken down")

WHATTAH DOWNER: "Well, that's pretty much it. Our country is f*cked because of a game, good job people, good job. And in other news, a town populated 98% by grumpy people over the age of 80 are complaining about a $100,000 tree house in their neighborhood that is an eye sore, and they would like it to be removed. They say that they "don't give a sh*t about the kids who like it, they only care about their comfort and it should be taken down", their 85 year old mayor agreed to have it taken down"

[Prime Ministers office - Trudeau's agents come into the office]

AIDE: "Uh, Trudeau?"


AIDE: "We have another problem"

TRUDEAU: "What is it now?"

(Justin Trudeau and his aides walk outside and see the street covered in soldiers, and tanks)

TRUDEAU: "Hey! What's going on?!"

(a soldier sees him and says "Hey! There he is! Get him!" and the other soldiers run towards him)

AIDE: "Get inside, buddy!"

(Trudeau and his aides run inside and lock the door)

TRUDEAU: "What's going on now?"

AIDE 2: "The minister of mobile gaming doesn't want you to ban "Canadian Go, so he... Well..."

TRUDEAU: "Well, what?"

AIDE 1: "He wants to kill you"

TRUDEAU: "what?!"

AIDE 2: "Yeah, he really doesn't want you to ban that game"

TRUDEAU: "But how did he get on the military's side?"

AIDE 1: "Uh, we don't know"

(an explosion is heard and the building shakes)

(near the Denver area, evening. everyone is trying to find Toque)

RANDY: "Alright, Alright, where is it! Where is it"

STEPHEN: "It's gotta be around here somewhere"

MAYOR: "Alright people, we need to get Toque, but how?"

AIDE: "We can just look around and find him"

MAYOR: "No no no, we have to do something else, like get the U.S. Military to help us"

AIDE: "Well you can't because the army is already looking"

U.S. SOLDIER: "I'm glad I stopped fighting in Afghanistan to find this Canadian"

U.S. SOLDIER 2: "Me too"

[The Minister of Mobile Gaming Makes a surprise entrance in a helicopter, which gets people's attention]

MINISTER: "Hello everyone! You guys make any progress?"

MAN: "No"

MR. MACKEY: "Uh, I think so.. oh wait, no, no I didn't, never mind, mkay]

MINISTER: "Well, I'll be waiting up here while you push and shove each other"

MAN 2: "But, we're not pushing or shoving"

MINISTER: "Pushing and shoving will make it easier"

MR. GARRISON: "It will? Quick, everyone, push and shove!"

(everyone starts fighting for the Canadian)

RANDY: "I'm going to find him!"

(someone jumps onto Randy)

RANDY: "Hey, get off me!"

(Randy manages to get him off)

CARTMAN: (pushes kyle to the ground) "hah I'm going to get him, Kyle, I'm going to be the best!"

KYLE: (Gets off the ground) "Screw you!" (he punches Cartman in the balls)

CARTMAN: "Hey, f*ck you, Kyle!" (he runs up to him and kicks him square in the nuts)

KYLE: "Ow! Eh!"

CANADIAN: "Yes, buddy?"

(Kanye is fighting Taylor)

KANYE WEST: "Screw you, Taylor Swift, I made you famous bitch!"

TAYLOR SWIFT: "I hate you, you gay fish!"

KANYE WEST: "That's "bisexual fish" bitch!"

(Trump and Cruz)

DONALD TRUMP: "I will pay someone one billion dollars and my hair to give me that Canadian!"

TED CRUZ: "Hey, Trump! If I find him, I'm not going to give you money!"

(Trump walks up to him and slaps him on the face. He seems to only be slapping to the left)

CRUZ: "hey, why do you keep slapping to the left?"

TRUMP: "because I say no to you!"

CRUZ: "This isn't Tinder, you hairy pineapple!"

(Stan and Kyle)

KYLE: "This is getting way out of hand, dude!"

STAN: "I know"

RANDY: "Staaaaannn!"

SHELLEY: "I'm trying to get that Canadian too, dad"

RANDY: "Yes I know, Shelley, good for you"

(everyone is still fighting until...)

UNKNOWN VOICE: "I caught him! I caught him!"

EVERYONE: "huh?!"

MR. GARRISON: "Oh he'll no! You caught Toque?"

(it is revealed that the person who caught Toque is the over confident Meghan Trainor)

TRAINOR: "Yes! I'm the best!"

KANYE: "Aw nuts" (turns to Taylor) "can you ever forgive me Swift?"

(Taylor slaps Kanye)

KANYE: "Aw, come on, I'm sorry, I can change! I'll come out with a song named "sorry", but then I might prefer another celebrity over my fans... Wait a minute"

RANDY: "What? Come on!"

MEGHAN TRAINOR: "If I was you I'd wanna be me too!"


MAN: "Don't be a show off, Meghan"

MAN 2: "Yeah, you suck! And not just because you caught the best Canadian!"

REDNECK 1: "She took Toque!"

REDNECK 2: "Sherr terrk terk!"

REDNECK 3: "Sher twerrked a turrkey!"

JIMBO: "What?!"

MINISTER: "Good job, you caught it! Congratulations! You are the best! Except for your songs, but other than that... you know what I mean!"

MR. GARRISON: "Wait! That's it? She's the best?"

MINISTER: "Yes, that's the point. There is only one, and whoever gets it is the best!"

(his aide claps fast)

TRAINOR: "Yay Yay Yay, I'm the best!"

MAN: "Meghan, your sounding a bit narcissistic"

TRAINOR: "Hey! I don't care what you or anyone thinks about me! I'm going to make a hit song out of this!"


MAN: "Not another one"

CARTMAN: "Wait, but what now?!"

EVERYONE: "yeah!"

MINISTER: "Alright everyone, that's not the point, alright?"

CARTMAN: "then what is the point?"

MINISTER: "Meghan, look at What Toque's special power is"

TRAINOR: (she looks at what his power is) "Uhh, it's... Apologizing?"


KYLE: "Apologizing?"

MR. GARRISON: "Are you sure it isn't orgasmic testicle juice?"

MINISTER: "Yes, don't you see, if we all just took the time to apologize to people, and make piece with them, we wouldn't have to deal with all the sh*t that is happening right now! I mean come on ISIS, what would you do if America decided to apologize?"

ISIS MAN: "Well, we would be... Fine with that"

ANOTHER ISIS MAN: "Yeah, we would accept it"

JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER: "If the U.S. Aporogized for being so fulr of themserves and their very big penis, we wourd simpery forgive them"

TRUMP: "Wait a minute! I'm not going to apologize and "make piece", I want to show people that America is the best country on earth because what we do is kill and kill to appear stronger than our enemies!"

MINISTER: "But they are your enemies because you made them your enemies"

OBAMA: "Yes, we do make our own enemies so we can simply appear strong and dangerous, the thing is, if we were nice to people, it would be boring, nothing to do, no one to bomb, we need action!"

RANDY: "I'm gonna have to agree with Obama on this one"

GERALD: "yep"

STEPHEN: "yep, agree with Obama"

MINISTER: "But come on, apologizing would fix our problems"

PISSED OF CONSERVATIVE REDNECK: "Wait a minute! Us conservatives think we should have power over our enemies and pretty much fight and kill to appear stronger!"

DILLUSIONAL LIBERAL DOUCHE: "But I think we should respect everyone and everything all the time! Being good to others is the key to happiness and..."

TRUMP: "Shut up, you're making me sick with your pussy liberal views!"

MINISTER: "Aw, come on, we..."

TRUDEAU: "Wait a minute, Minister! You were all conservative yesterday, but now you are bein' Liberal! What's going on!"

MINISTER: "I have conservative views, but I also have one liberal view, I think it's called being a Libertarian"

RANDY: "huh? A librarian?"

TRUDEAU: "I don't think libertarians would fight for freedom enough to attempt a Coup! And also libertarians see things from both sides, you just have one Liberal view among many conservative views"

MINISTER: "Alright, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for being so defensive of Canadian Go! The coup, all the anger, I just wanted to make a good game and keep it around, I can get angry very easily, and that anger is why I'm conservative leaning"

RANDY: "Uh, I'm confused, is this guy liberal or conservative?"

REDNECK: "Make up your mind!"

REDNECK 2: "Yeah, make up your mind!"

REDNECK 3: "Murrk urrp yurr mernd!"

REDNECK 4: "My mom's your murderer!"

EVERYONE: "What?!"

HARRISON YATES: "Alright, I think that if he can't decide for himself weather or not he's a liberal or conservative, we have to choose for him!"


MINISTER: "What? You can't do that!"

MR. GARRISON: "Alright everyone, he has one liberal view, many other conservative views, gets angry very easily, yup, he's definitely conservative"

RANDY: "Yup"

MINISTER: "Hey! You can't do this!"

REDNECK: "Shut up!

MINISTER: "Can't we just go back to the apologizing thing?"

TRUDEAU: "No! We should deal with our problems in a positive way just like what you are saying, but we need to stand up to our enemies without violence and show them that we are stronger than them, but with words, not violence, apologizing is only necessary if you started the fight. you just think that America made their own enemies, are you sure about that? Maybe their views on what America has done is what made them angry, everyone has their own opinion, ISIS Isn't anyone's fault, it's their own fault for deciding to retaliate... All the time because they don't have a good opinion towards America"

MINISTER: "I don't know what to say, your supposed to be Liberal, but you pretty much just interrupted the groups reaction to Meghan Trainor being the best at Canadian Go"

TRUDEAU: "You are a dick, you're definitely conservative, you staged a coup that killed many Canadians because of a game, I think I now what we should do with you"

MINISTER: "But, come on, I'm sorry!"

TRUDEAU: "Nope, get back in the helicopter"

(he gets back in the helicopter and it takes off with Trudeau in it)

RANDY: "Well, what do we do now?"

GERALD: "I don't know, I think this game has gotten kinda old"

MR GARRISON: "Yep, I suddenly lost interest too"

(everyone starts leaving the area)

MEGHAN: "hey! But, I'm the best!"

MAN: "We don't care anymore, Meghan"

CARTMAN: "Wait, that's it?"

RANDY: "Yeah, trends get old, time to go onto the next one"

CARTMAN: "Well, at least it doesn't matter weather or not I'm the best anymore"

STAN: "Yeah, It was fun while it lasted"

KYLE: "Wait, what was the point of all this? I seemed all over the place"

STAN: "I think the point in all of this is that if a mobile or video game is popular for being dangerous, we don't have to ban the game altogether, we could just make sure people are responsible for their actions so the game won't get such a bad reputation, and also we can't escape politics, it's everywhere, but I think politics is just a bunch of immature bull sh*t, that is getting in the way of everything"

KYLE: "Yeah"


TOM: "The worst is over, the Canadian coup has ended after 8 hours, the death toll is 5, and the Canadian Go craze seems to be ending as we get later into August. everyone is going back to their normal lives, having sex, doing drugs and waiting for the next trend to sweep North America, but the question is, will it be harmful? The answer is yes. Also, the Canadians have decided to do something about the person who made Canadian Go, who got 5 Canadians killed in the coup"

[Somewhere in North East Canada]

MINISTER: "What are you gonna do send me adrift?"

TRUDEAU: "Yes, you turd, we've had enough of people screwing up Canada"

PRINCE OF CANADA: "Yes, it was a quick vote, but everyone from the big green turds of British Columbia to the sewer dwelling cat people of Kingston, Ontario have decided that this is the best option"

(He is set adrift on the block of ice)

MINISTER: "Canada has lost it's edge"

PRINCE OF CANADA: "No, you lost your edge back in Denver, you dick"

MINISTER: "My edge?"

TRUDEAU: "Yes, buddy"

MINISTER: "I'm not your buddy!"

TRUDEAU: "I'm not your buddy, what?"

MINISTER: "Do I really have to..."


MINISTER: "Fine! I'm not your buddy, guy!"

TRUDEAU: "And I'm not your guy, friend!"

MINISTER: "Well, I'm not your friend, buddy!"

TRUDEAU: "And I'm not your buddy, guy!"

MINISTER: "I can't stop the, I can't stop the feeling!"

TRUDEAU: "What?"

MINISTER: "I'm not saying I'm not your guy, friend, you can't make me!"

TRUDEAU: "Well, aren't you not my friend, guy?!"

MINISTER: "Yeah!, I'm not your friend, your guy or your buddy, friend!"


MINISTER: "What the hell am i doing here?!"

MAN: "Welcome to Iceland, where all the people rejected from Canada and the U.K. Are sent to die!"


MAN: "No, I'm just teasing you, buddy, it is perfectly fine here, other than the time when that volcano erupted back in 2010"

MINISTER: "I don't belong here!"

MAN: "Sure you do! Everyone does! If you look around, everyone you see here belongs here, from the giant dicks of Toronto to the furry skin modern inuits of Nunavut to the ziga"

MINISTER: "What the f*ck is a ziga?"

MAN: "It's a part elephant, part zebra, part tiger who planned to spread the Zika virus across south eastern Canada"

MAN 2: "In spring 2009, It was suspected that it was spreading H1N1, but it turns out it wasn't, so we brought it back several months later, but it was sent back in May for the Zika thing. And yes, I know it sounds like something you heard a long time ago, and if you looked it up on the Internet, you wouldn't be able to find it, but it has been sent here twice already"

MINISTER: "Well, I, uh... f*ck all of you! I'm swimming to Maine!"

(he jumps into the water and attempts to swim)

MAN: "Uh, you know you might freeze to death, right?"

MINISTER: "No, screw you! I hope this place gets nuked!"

MAN 2: "Man, that guy is a dick"

[The end of "People Don't Kill People, Dicks Kill People"]

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