Love Child R.F.D.

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Etcetra
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Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:04 pm

Love Child R.F.D.

Postby Etcetra » Tue Oct 08, 2019 2:51 am

Due to a long dry spell of not having any female dates Barney Fife and Floyd Lawson have a gay tryst. This results in a love child called "Flo". Flo looks and talks like a female version of Floyd, but has the nervous ticks of Barney. Andy Taylor is able to use his influence to make it appear "Flo" is Floyd's niece and arranges for Floyd to adopt her after her parents supposedly die in a fiery auto accident. Andy is very thorough in his duties and even goes to the trouble of providing an actual wrecked car and two bodies burned beyond recognition. Andy enlists Otis Campbell & Ernest T. Bass to wack two troublesome townsfolk as a source for the bodies.

Flo wants to follow in Floyd's footsteps as a barber, but the nervous ticks she inherited from Barney cause several "accidents" at the barber shop. Andy is able to cover up these accidents, which include a decapitation and several other severe wounds to customers. Flo is reduced to sweeping up the hair off the floor and doing other janitorial duties when the barber shop is empty of customers. She starts to supplement her income from selling some of the hair clippings to wig makers.

Flo occasionally loses her temper and in a ode to the TV show Alive her favorite expression is "Kiss My Grits!", which someone remarks would be a good catchphrase for a TV show. Andy is able to help Flo out by arresting on trumped up charges "those damn hippies" that start invading the town. Andy lets them go if they agree to pay for a haircut.

Flo begins cleaning up Floyd's basement storage room where she hopes to expand her business of selling hair to wig makers. The nervous ticks she inherited from Barney result in her knocking a bunch of old hair tonics and other obsolete barber shop potions from several shelves into a container with some of the hair clippings she had collected.

This accident results in the creation of intelligent microscopic life which Flo later calls "Beard Mites". Some of these organisms end up on Flo's face which cause a sting similar to old barber shaving alcohol. She quickly wipes the mess off her face and goes back to cleaning. She finds an old yearbook belonging to Floyd in which she sees a younger picture of Floyd in a full beard and mustache. She wonders out loud how much more she would look like Floyd with the same facial hair. The hair on her face instantly grows to match the picture in the yearbook. She initially screams but then openly remarks to herself it does make her look even more like a younger Floyd. After remarking that she would never get a date now, the beard and mustache hair suddenly falls off.

Grabbing a childhood toy microscope she had found earlier she determines that her ability to control her facial hair growth was made possible due to the microscopic organisms she had accidentally created and which were still unseen on her body despite washing her face. She soon discovers she able to ask for specific hair styles which are instantly created by the BMs. She also is able to communicate telepathically with the BMs so verbal requests are not required.

She wants to know if the BMs will work on other people and takes a batch of BMs to school in her Andy Griffith lunch pail thermos and "accidentally" spills the batch on a girl thats been bullying her at the school. She is able to disable the bully by mentally commanding the mites to instantly create a beehive hairdo so large the bully falls to the ground by its weight. The beehive is immediately invaded by killer bees and bully is stung to death which momentarily causes Flo to be shocked, followed by a grin other face.

Floyd and Andy are hesitate to give her another chance at cutting hair but she soon proves them wrong. Floyd soon expands to a second larger barber in Raleigh, with Flo traveling for one to shop to another. Flo is able to further train the mites to control any hair on the body and to emit a sweat smelling perfume of the customer's choice, thus doing away with the need for disposable razors, perfume, deodorant, shampoo haircuts, and other beauty products. She soon expands to nails.

Andy & Floyd leave for a two week fishing trip in the woods to celebrate and they avoid the coming troubles for Flo.

One of Flo's customers is really a spy for the various guilds and companies which control the beauty industry. Flo's BMs threaten the livelihood of all of these industries who soon descend on Mayberry to put a top to Flo. This results in a all out battle between Flo and various hit squads sent against her such as one squad made of entirely overtly gay male hair dressers. Flo is able to prevail in the battle by using her BMs to disable the hit squads.

The various beauty product industries and guilds then decide to use their doomsday scenario against Flo. The folks of Mayberry suddenly start common after Flo as if they were a herd of mindless zombies seeking her death. The powers that be reveal to Flo that they had previously created similar mites which compel consumers to repeatedly buy worthless beauty products. They mockingly ask her "Why else do you think people would buy this sh*t for generations?", which is a reference to her calling her organisms "BMs", a euphemism for bowel movements.

While barricaded in the barbershop Flo's struggles with the decision to use her BMs against the townsfolk of Mayberry so as to continue her larger fight. Her thoughts are suddenly cut short by Barney Fife who had snuck in through a ventilation shaft. Barney shoots her point blank while delivering his catchphrase "Nip It In The Bud!".

The last scene is of Floyd and Andy initially crying in their beer at Andy's office. But their confidence soon returns when its revealed they are the real masterminds behind Flo and that their is another child to carry on their plans of world domination. Its revealed that the late ego of Opie (Ron Howard) is another love child of Floyd and Barney that his movies contain subliminal messages to take over the world.

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