Not the Swiftest

Put your fan fiction here, and keep it nice.

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Not the Swiftest

Postby Etcetra » Wed Oct 30, 2019 6:28 am

Several of the children are amazed how easy Apple's Swift programming language is for creating new applications in school. Timmy "The Woz" Bruch is discovered to be a idiot savant, with programming skills above all others. When Eric "Jobs" Cartman, discovers Timmy and some other kids have been making money from selling apps he convinces Timmy that they should form a company. Cartman is too lazy to program and is far better suited as the company's slave driving perfectionist. Cartman eventually hires several other kids as his enforcers to get faster higher quality work out of the less talented programmers.

Damien "Bill" Thorn infiltrates the enterprise in disguise when he hears about how much money the kids are making, money better suited for his plans of world domination. Damien steals much of the company's secrets in order to form his own rival software company. Damien is able to to lure several programmers away from Cartman who by this time is beating them with whips. The kids find the conditions even worse - a liberal casual company campus that seems great at first but which rots your brain over time.

Soon the two companies are airing commercials satirizing the old "Get a Mac" advertisements by Apple staring actors John Hodgman and Justin Long.

Timmy discovers that Swift is not as it seems. Swift has been secretly collecting user data and sending it back to Apple. Strangely all the information pertains to collecting anything that has to do with music and Taylor Swift. Timmy uncovers just how sexy Taylor Swift is - she seduced Tim Cook of Apple under the guise of a long term straight relationship with her. When she broke up with him she wrote another one of her famous breakup songs about him but did not release it to the public in exchange for Apple stock options as above all else she is one clever business woman. Timmy discovers this unreleased Taylor track for viewers (insert humorous song).

Tim thus formed a secret division of engineers and programmers called Nada Swift Apple (NSA) to take care of the problem. Swift searches users information that is then analyzed by Apple's artificial intelligence "Siri" to in order create a perfect comeback song. Tim is tired of having to hide in the closet about being temporarily straight and being blackmailed. He also wants Taylor Swift to get a taste of his own Apple cider (medicine).

The boys are motivated to help Tim Cook take down Taylor Swift based upon the fact that they will no longer have to listen to the horrible music that their female classmates enjoy so much. Eric is hoping to take over as Apple's head enforcer based upon what great work he has done with just a few kids. With Timmy's programming help the comeback song is finished.

Damien's company also finds about the secret but his company's less talented programmers are unable to obtain a copy of the unreleased Taylor song. Damien does not want to see Taylor Swift's career destroyed by such a song as his father Satan uses her music for sensory deprivation torture in hell. He also has his first puppy dog crush on her and sees her as a perfect evil mate to dominate the world.

Unlike the clever and humorous little ditties on South Park over the years the completed work is an actual pop song released as a single to the public. The song is created from a collection of lyrics and melodies submitted by South Park viewers via a contest. The song is recorded with professional musicians and singers with the goal of South Park having a No. 1 hit both in South Park and in the real world of viewers.

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