South Park Episode "Ratchet"

[gmonaco]

Int. 4th grade classroom-day

All the kids in the class are talking amongst themselves.

Cartman

(Over exaggerated sneeze) Ah-jew! Ah-jew!

Kyle looks annoyed.

Cartman

Well Kyle, aren’t you going to say “bless you”?

Kyle

I-am-NOT-saying “bless you” to you fat ass.

Cartman

Oh but Kyle, it’s the polite thing to do when somebody sneezes-
Ah Jew!

Kyle says nothing.

Cartman

(Whining) Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison

What is it Eric?

Cartman

Kyle won’t say “bless you” when I sneeze.

Mr. Garrison

Kyle your one of the chosen people, the least you could do is say “bless you” to a godless heathen like Eric.

Cartman

Thank you Mr. Garrison-Ah jew!

Kyle

I’m gonna cut the fat out of your neck assh*le!

Cartman

Go ahead and try it you ratchet douche bag!

Stan

What did you say Cartman?

Cartman

What? Ah-jew?

Kyle

See! I knew you weren’t sneezing.

Cartman

Shut up Kyle.

Stan

You said “ratchet”?

Cartman

Yea, Kyle’s a ratchet douche bag.

Stan

What does ratchet mean?

Cartman

It means Kyle is a ghetto bitch.

Stan

That doesn’t make any sense.

Cartman

Yes it does.

Stan

No it doesn’t. A ratchet is a tool. There’s no double connotation
involved or anything. It has absolutely no comparison to a ghetto bitch.

Cartman

Well let’s ask a true ghetto bitch. Kenny, does ratchet make
sense?

Kenny mumbles for a while.

Cartman

See, I told you.

Stan

Guys, please don’t use that word. It’s stupid and gay, and only douche bag idiots use it.

Bebe

Shut up Stan. I say “ratchet”, you ratchet bitch.

Tolkein

Yea Stan, only a ratchet bitch would say “ratchet” is a stupid
word.

Cartman

Stan you need to get with the times man.

Mr. Garrison

Ok, all you little ratchets keep it down now. Today children were going to be learning about Seacrest’s evolution of modern day celebrity. I think we’ll start with Kim Kardasian’s sex tape.


Int. Cafeteria-day

Stan and the boys walk into the cafeteria and stand in the lunch line. We can hear kids talking crap about Stan.
Craig and some of the other boys, aggressively walk over to Stan.

Craig

So, we heard you were being ratchet in class today.

Stan

Dude, stop saying that word. It sucks and it makes no sense.

Craig

You WOULD want us to stop saying it wouldn’t you, you ratchet
piece of sh*t.

Stan

Call me ratchet again and I’m gonna kick your ass Craig.

Pause

Craig

Ratchet.

Stan punches Craig in the face, and the boys start to fight. All the kids gather around and start chanting: “RATCHET!” “RATCHET!” “RATCHET!”
All the sudden, an alarm goes off. All the fighting and chanting stops.
Mr. Mackey comes running into the cafeteria.

Mr. Mackey

Oh my god! It’s happening again! I can’t believe its happening
again, m’kay!


Int. Auditorium-day

The whole school is gathered into the auditorium as they watch the tiny television.


Int. Television-day

Reporter

Hello I’m Ted Shweeting, reporting for South Park news. A volcano, in our beloved home in South Park is erupting. That’s right, erupting. I’m hear with geologist Randy Marsh, who will elaborate on the severity of the situation.

Randy

Uh, hi, I’m Randy. I’m a geologist, and uh, the volcano is
erupting.

Reporter

Erupting?

Randy

That’s right, erupting.

Reporter

Thank you Randy for your professional analysis-


Int. Auditorium-day

Cartman

Oh no! Oh Christ!

Cartman runs out of the auditorium.

Kyle

Cartman! Where the hell are you going?!

Stan, Kyle and Kenny run after chase Cartman out of the
auditorium.


Ext. Outside of the school-day

The boys run after Cartman.

Kyle

Cartman stop! We have to go back so they evacuate us.

Cartman

You don’t understand you guys. I have to get to that volcano.

Stan

What?

Kyle

Are you crazy?

Cartman

The last time the volcano erupted, we were up there, remember?

Kyle

Yea, so?

Cartman

While we were up there, I buried something you guys.

Stan

We are not going up there to dig up your dried up terds fat ass.

Cartman

Shut up ratchet! I buried something up there before Skuzzlebutt
rescued us and Stan shot him.

Kyle

(to Stan) Oh yea, you did shoot Skuzzlebutt.

Cartman

Yea, dick move Stan.

Stan

Cartman, whatever you buried up there probably got destroyed
when that volcano erupted anyway.

Cartman

Keyword: “Probably”.

Stan

Well, why didn’t you dig it up after the first volcano stopped?

Cartman

I forgot about it until now.

Kyle

Well what is it?

Cartman

I can’t say you guys.

Stan

Screw this! We’re not going with you Cartman.

Cartman

I never asked you to, ratchet dick face.

Kyle takes Stan aside.

Kyle

Look Stan. I hate Cartman. I mean I really hate him. But he’s too
stupid for his own good. I can’t live with myself knowing I let that mongoloid get burned to death by a volcano.

Cartman

Hey I heard that Jew!

Stan

Ok fine, we’ll go. But I swear to god, I’m going to kill the next
person who calls me ratchet.


Ext. Volcano-day

The boys start walking up the shaky ground of the volcano. A cute little bunny rabbit runs up to the boys.

Stan

Aww a cute little bunny rabbit. You better get out of here little
guy.

Cartman

Stan if you’re done jacking off the rabbit, we have some business to attend to.

Stan

Shut up fat boy!

All the sudden, a giant flaming boulder is about to drop right on top of the rabbit.

Stan

Look out!

Stan dives for the rabbit and tackles it to safety after the giant flaming boulder narrowly misses it. The rabbit smiles at Stan and licks his face. Suddenly, the rabbit’s head gets blown apart and blood goes all over Stan.

Stan

Dude! What the f*ck?!

Jimbo

It was comin’ right for us!

Jimbo and neck come from out of the woods.

Stan

Uncle Jimbo?

Jimbo

Damn it Stan. We’ve been waiting all day for our chance and you blew it!

Stan

Blew what?

Cartman

Your uncle’s balls. (Laughs)

Kyle punches Cartman in the arm.

Cartman

Ow! Dick!

Ned

We were waiting for one of the animals to catch on fire, then
when we shoot it, it’s already cooked.

Cartman

Not a bad idea.

Jimbo

Damn right it’s not a bad idea. Well what the hell are you boys doing up here?

Kyle

We were trying to help Cartman find his sexuality.

Cartman

No they weren’t you guys.

Jimbo

Well we better get you boys and that little homo off this
mountain and quick.

Cartman

Hey!

Ned

Follow me boys.

Cartman

Wait! We can’t go.

Stan

Why not?

Cartman

No, you assh*les can go. But me and Kyle here must proceed
up the mountain I’m afraid.

Kyle

What the hell are you talking about fat ass?

Cartman

This is your time Kyle. I missed my opportunity once and I won’t miss it again. You are my arch-nemesis Kyle, and I can’t think of a better way to give you a more epic death than this.

Kyle

Cartman, you couldn’t get me to suck your balls after the imagination land bet. How did you plan on getting me close enough to push me into a volcano?

Cartman pulls out a sophisticated remote control.

Cartman

The mind manipulating device of course. I planted a chip in your head last week while you were sleeping. Well-Butters actually I had Butters do it, but I constructed the mechanism.

Kyle

Bullcrap Cartman.

Cartman

Oh no no. Not bullcrap at all Kyle. All I have to do is press this button and blip blip blip, off you go into the smoldering crevasse.

Kyle

Press the button.

Cartman

Ok Kyle, you asked for it.

Cartman presses the button. Kyle just stares at him like he’s an idiot. Cartman repeatedly presses the button. Nothing happens.

Cartman

God damn it Butters.

The volcano explodes out lava and hundreds of giant
smoldering boulders. All the boys start running down the mountain but are soon surrounded by lava.

Kyle

(To Cartman) This is all your fault you retard! Now we’re gonna die!

Cartman

Well it looks like my plan is gonna work afterall, isn’t it Kyle? All
you other douche bags are just collateral damage. Sucks to be
you.

Kyle

Your gonna die before I do fat boy!

Kyle starts pushing Cartman towards the lava.

Cartman

Hey! Hey! Kyle what are you doing?! This isn’t funny Kyle! Kyle
I’m seriously! Stop it you money grubbing Jew!

Just as Cartman is about to fall into the lava, he is picked up by
Skuzzlebutt.


Kyle

Holy sh*t!

Cartman

No way! You guys, it’s Skuzzlebutt! And he still has a piece of
celery for an arm.

Patrick Duffy

Hey don’t forget about me!

They all look down at Skuzzlebutt’s leg and sees that it’s Patrick Duffy.

Jimbo

Oh my god! Patrick Duffy?! You’re still alive?!

Patrick Duffy

Unfortunately yes.

Stan

(To Skuzzlebutt) But-but I thought I killed you?

Patrick Duffy

No you killed some other Skuzzlebutt. This fella found me soon
afterwards.

The volcano explodes out even more lava and boulders.

Ned

We have to get out of here!

Skuzzlebutt grabs a nearby tree and weaves it into a giant basket. Everybody gets inside it.

Jimbo

Everybody inside?

Kyle

Hey where’s Kenny?

Kenny is taking a crap nearby a tree. He pulls his pants up and starts running toward the group. But a giant flaming boulder crushes Kenny and proceeds to roll down the mountain.
Skuzzlebutt leads the group down the mountain while jumping over lava and dodging boulders along the way.
Mr. Mackey is leading the whole school across the street as he sees Skuzzlebutt and the group coming.

Mr. Mackey

Well I’ll be god damned, is that Skuzzlebutt?

Skuzzlebutt gets everyone safely down the mountain.

Jimbo

Wow Skuzzlebutt that was amazing! Thank you for saving us.

Skuzzlebutt grunts and growls.

Patrick Duffy

He says, “Your Welcome”.

Stan punches Cartman in the nose.

Stan

That’s for almost getting us killed fat ass!

Skuzzlebuttt grunts and growls.

Ned

What did he say?

Patrick Duffy

He said, “You punch like a ratchet.”

Stan grabs the shotgun out from Jimbo’s hands and shoots Skuzzlebutt in the head.

Patrick duffy

NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!! Not again!

The reporter Ted Shweeting runs over to the scene of the crime.

Reporter

This just in! After a selfless, heroic act performed by
Skuzzlebutt, the freakishly deformed creature with a piece of celery for an arm and Patrick Duffy for a leg, has just been killed by that little scrotum sucker right there. (Points at Stan). Young man, what caused you to commit an act so heinous.

Stan

He called me a “ratchet”.

Reporter

So?

Stan

So it’s a stupid word that makes no sense and it shouldn’t be
used by anyone.

Reporter

Well, that just makes you sound like a little Nazi than doesn’t it.

Cartman

It really does Stan. Trust me I would know.

Kyle

Stan, who cares if the word “ratchet” doesn’t make any sense to
call someone. It’s just a word and it’ll be gone before you know it.

Stan

But when?! I have to know when people will stop using it.

Kyle

Trust me man, it’ll be soon. The next word will come into our
ridiculous slang vocabulary and hopefully that word actually does have a double connotation that makes sense for all of us.

Cartman

Jesus Christ man, Skuzzlebutt smells “dank”.

Kyle

Not “danker” than you fat boy. See Stan I told you there would be a new word.

A large boulder falls from the sky and hits Skuzzlebutt, causing him to catch fire, along with Patrick Duffy.

Ned

Dinner’s ready.

[Female345]

This wasn't a bad story and I can see it working as an actual episode.