The New Girl (My first fanfic!)

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Rualya
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The New Girl (My first fanfic!)

Postby Rualya » Thu Jul 06, 2006 4:33 am

The boys were walking to the bus stop when they noticed that a tree house had been built at the top of a very tall Oak tree that sat on a hill. "Dude have you ever seen that before?", Kyle asked Stan.

"No. Some kid must have built it over the weekend."

All four boys were at the bus stop when a yellow bus pulled up and opened the doors. The bus driver yelled,"Get on the bus!"

The boys got on. Kyle was about to sit next to Stan when a girl who wore a pink hat, a purple jacket, and yellow pants beat him to the seat. Kyle then sat next to Kenny. "Hi Stan!", The girl said.

"Oh, hi Wendy.", Stan said casually.

The bus then stopped and every one on the bus got off and headed for Mr.Garrison's class. Everyone took their seat. "Hello class. Today we have a new student joining us," Mr. Garrison said as a pretty girl who had long light brown hair and brown eyes walked through the door. She wore a Dark blue sweater and grey pants.

He continued, "Her name is Emily. Now Emily why don't you sit next to Kenny." Kenny couldn't take his eyes off Emily. Kenny was inlove. Emily took the seat next to Kenny.

After class was over the students headed down to lunch. It was the boys turn to get food and Emily happened to be stand next to them.

"Hello Children!," Chef said to the boys. "Hey Chef!" , they replied. "Well hello miss!" Chef said to Emily. "Hello." She said to Chef.

All five of them got their food. Emily sat the girls table and the boys sat their own. Kenny watched as Wendy said something to her and everyone laughed exept Emily. Emily Then got with her tray of food and sat at the boys' table.

"Um, hello?" Cartman said surprised that she sat with them.

"Hello, um, I'm sorry I never caught your names.", she said. Almost instantly Kenny said, "My name is Kenny." "My name is Stan." Stan said to her. "I'm Kyle." Kyle said. "I'm Eric, but everbody calls me Cartman." Cartman said proudly.

As the days when by the boys started to treat her like a friend and soon all of them were best friends.

The boys wanted to know one thing though: Where did Emily live? One day they decided to follow her home and found out that she lived in that tree house at the top of the hill.

They then knocked on the door. The slowly opened and Emily burst out into tears and told them why she didn't tell them she lived here. It turns out that she lived in San Fransisco when her parents died she was then sent to an orphanage which she ran away from.

Chapter 2- coming soon!
Last edited by Rualya on Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.
DownWithCalifornia
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Postby DownWithCalifornia » Thu Jul 06, 2006 4:51 am

I'm not exactly an authority on SP fanfics or anything (I read a lot of them but I still don't have the courage to post any of my own), but I have been reading all sorts of stuff obsessively ever since I can remember, so some pointers for you.

-Don't rush the plotline. It was good the way you started at the beginning, but it just went straight into "they became best friends and one day..." You might want to add how they became friends, what each character feels about her (is cool, hates her, has a crush on her), and stuff like that. Pretty much bringing us to the almost identical advice,

-Have some more detail. Like I said before, good at the beginning, but it just loses it after that. DO NOT SQUASH HALF A PAGE INTO ONE SLIGHTLY OVERSIZED PARAGRAPH!!! IT IS EXTREMEMLY ANNOYING AND MAKES THE READER LOSE INTEREST!

Other than that, your storyline has potential. In the real world that is kinda cliche, but I'm pretty sure this hasn't been done in SP fanfic. Also, listen to the constructive criticism that the experienced writers will hopefully be giving you.

Good luck! :wink:
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Rualya
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Postby Rualya » Thu Jul 06, 2006 3:12 pm

(Thanks!)


The boys didn't think any differently of her. Stan thought she was cool to hang around, Kyle thought she was nice, Cartman didn't think much of her until she made a joke Wendy and now he thinks she is funny, and Kenny,as you know, had a crush on her. They promised to not tell anyone about her past and the fact she lived in a tree house.

Wendy did not like Emily. She thought that Emily was going to steal Stan from her. She had made every single girl in the third grade hate her. Emily didn't care anymore. She was happy with her new friends.

Emily had considered one of the guys her very best friend. Like Stan had Kyle, Emily had Kenny. Kenny, however, wanted to be more than friends.

One day Kenny asked Chef for advice. "How do you get a girl to like you?" "Let me sing you a litttle song-" Chef was stopped by Kenny who had just thought of the perfect idea...

At recess all the guys except for Kenny played football. Kenny was with Emily who watched from the swings. Kenny looked at her lovingly, but she didn't notice because she was focused on the game. She then saw the football aim right for Kenny's head. "Watch out Kenny!" She cried as she pushed him away from the ball. That would have been the end of Kenny if she didn't save him. We would have heard, "OMG! He killed Kenny!" phrase Stan, but not today.

Emily helped Kenny up. "Are you ok Kenny?" She asked. "I'm alright." He said perfectly. No muffled voice was heard. That's when he knew his hood had fallen off. He quickly put it back on. The bell then rang and they all went back to class.

Kenny was forever greatful for the save. Cartman was greatful too because if that ball had hit Kenny,Craig's Team would have won the game!



Chapter 3- coming soon!
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Cartman_91
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Postby Cartman_91 » Thu Jul 06, 2006 3:16 pm

Alright first of all it's really good for a first fan fic, but I prefer script form, Usually fics aren't good when they add in a "New Character" but this wasn't that bad, The spelling and grammar is good, so keep it up
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DownWithCalifornia
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Postby DownWithCalifornia » Thu Jul 06, 2006 3:53 pm

Your welcome. :D

That was much better. I have little scenes like that in my writing too, if you write them well they don't seem to be just something that drags the plotline along. If you don't write them well they make the story a lot more slow-paced.

I liked that one, though. It had quite a bit of information in it and it was written fairly well. Some people like Cartman_91 up there like scripted format, some people like novelized, and a lot of people don't have a preference to either. You really wouldn't believe some of the stuff that's been posted on here - you could barely call them fanfics. But this is remarkable for your first one.
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Kyle the Skeptic
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Postby Kyle the Skeptic » Thu Jul 06, 2006 5:17 pm

Both formats have advantages and disadvantages. I personally prefer to write in script format because it's much easier to cram in a lot of dialogue at once, although it somewhat limits the amount of narration, description, and setting detail you can include (unless you combine it with screenplay format). I don't mind reading novelized stories, so long as they're done well. I know there are some good authors who do both.

I still think you should go back and edit the first part. You have several run-on paragraphs that really ought to be broken up. The grammatical rule is only one character should be speaking per paragraph; if someone else has a line then you need to make a new paragraph. For example instead of
The boys were walking to the bus stop when they noticed that a tree house had been built at the top of a very tall Oak tree that sat on a hill. "Dude have you ever seen that before?", Kyle asked Stan. "No. Some kid must have built it over the weekend." All four boys were at the bus stop when a yellow bus pulled up and opened the doors. The bus driver yelled,"Get on the bus!" The boys got on. Kyle was about to sit next to Stan when a girl who wore a pink hat, a purple jacket, and yellow pants beat him to the seat. Kyle then sat next to Kenny. "Hi Stan!", The girl said. "Oh, hi Wendy.", Stan said casually.

It should be
The boys were walking to the bus stop when they noticed that a tree house had been built at the top of a very tall Oak tree that sat on a hill. "Dude have you ever seen that before?", Kyle asked Stan.

"No. Some kid must have built it over the weekend."

All four boys were at the bus stop when a yellow bus pulled up and opened the doors. The bus driver yelled,"Get on the bus!"

The boys got on. Kyle was about to sit next to Stan when a girl who wore a pink hat, a purple jacket, and yellow pants beat him to the seat. Kyle then sat next to Kenny. "Hi Stan!", The girl said.

"Oh, hi Wendy.", Stan said casually.

So just space it out a little and you'll be fine.
Kelly MacCornmac
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Postby Kelly MacCornmac » Thu Jul 06, 2006 5:27 pm

Very good for a first fic. I don't prefer script nor novilized, just as long as it's good.
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Rualya
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:38 am

Postby Rualya » Thu Jul 06, 2006 6:56 pm

The class sat quietly as Mr. Garrison walked through the door. "Hello class. Let's go over the home work. Who killed President Lincoln?",Mr. Garrrison asked. Almost instantly Emily's hand shot up. "Yes Emily?",He said.

"John Wilkes Booth." Emily said. Emily was a very smart girl. Probally the smartest in the class.

At recess all of the girls stood in a hudle around the slide laughing about Emily. Emily watched from the swings and sighed. Kenny then came over and sat on the swing next to her.

Even though he didn't say anything this was conforting to her. She smiled at him.

When it was time to go home all of the girls walked up Emily. "Oh look at the b*tch!", Wendy said. They all laughed. Emily glared at them. She decided to walk a different way from school. Kenny followed her.

"Emily...." Kenny said as he took off his hood.

"Yeah-" Emily was stopped by a kiss. The kiss was his "perfect idea."

Something strange happened to Emily that day. The way she felt about Kenny changed. Instead of wanting to be friends she wanted to be more.

She then kissed him back.




Chapter 4- Coming Soon!
Last edited by Rualya on Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rualya
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:38 am

Postby Rualya » Thu Jul 06, 2006 10:47 pm

Kenny was very happy the next morning. "What are you so happy about?", Kyle asked. "Has your dad gotten a job?", Cartman laughed. Kenny didn't pay any attention to him.

Emily soon arrived. She was also happy. She went and stood next to Kenny. Kyle and Stan soon relized that they were inlove.

The bus pulled up and they got on. Kenny sat next to Emily. Wendy had once again beat Kyle to the seat next to Stan. They sat across from them.

"What's up with them, Stan?",Wendy asked. "Kenny's her boyfriend." Stan said. "Yeah right. She's just using him.",Wendy thought. But, she was wrong. Emily was inlove. Now that doesn't mean she hasn't been inlove before. Yes she was inlove with a guy named Mark.

Mark was the exact opposite of her. But, he was handsome. He lived in San Franscico and had dumped her for some other girl on the day her parents died.

A week later Emily and the boys saw a moving truck. It was near a mansion which was obviously the house where they were moving in. This family happened to be Mark's family.




Chapter 5-Coming Soon!
Last edited by Rualya on Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
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Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Fri Jul 07, 2006 8:03 pm

This is a little to much like Rainforest Shmainforest the way he loves her and she saves him and stuff.
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Rualya
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:38 am

Postby Rualya » Fri Jul 07, 2006 9:42 pm

(I've never seen that episode....)

Emily watched as the movers took large furniture out of the moving truck. Kenny sat by her. Both stared longingly at the large TV that came out of the truck next. Then they gave each other a look that said,I wish I had stuff like that.

The next day at school Mr. Garrison introduced Mark to the class. Emily's eyes widened when she saw him. "Oh sh*t!" , she thought.

Emily was the only girl who didn't stare dreamily at him. He wore a black jean jacket, white tee shirt, and blue jeans. He also had black hair and blue eyes.

At lunch almost everyone wanted to sit next to him. Emily and Kenny were the only ones who didn't. "Do you know that kid?" Kenny asked as he drank some of his milk. Emily slowly nodded. "He's my...my....ex-boy...boyfriend." She whispered. He spat milk all over his tray.

"He was!?!", Kenny said.

At recess all of the boys (except Butters and Kenny) played football. All of the girls watched foot ball. Emily was the only girl who didn't watch it. "Hello, Emily and Kenny!" Butters said with a smile. "Hey Butters.", Emily said gloomily. "What's the matter?" Butters asked in his usual cheerful attitude. Emily didn't respond. Kenny whispered the answer in Butters' ear.

"Oh! Gee, well I'm sorry Emily.", He said as he walked over to the swings.

Kyle and Stan invited Mark to walk home with them. Emily walked slowly behind them. "Where are you from, Mark?", Stan asked. "I'm from San Franscico." "Hey so is Emily!", Kyle said. "Emily?", Mark turned around and saw her.

"Emily! I haven't seen you since I broke up with you.", He said.

"You know her?" Stan asked. "She's my ex-girlfriend." Mark said. "You broke my heart, you a*shole!", Emily snapped. "It's not my fault your b*tch!" He snapped back.

Reader, the way he said those words broke her heart beyond repair. tear rolled down her cheek and she ran. Kenny soon ran after her.

Chapter 6- Coming Soon!
Last edited by Rualya on Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rualya
Posts: 228
Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:38 am

Postby Rualya » Sun Jul 09, 2006 6:23 pm

Note: PLEASE tell me what you think of this Fanfic and what I should do to improve it!

Also I will not be on for awhile(I'm going to Chicago). So the next chapter won't be up for awhile.
KylezGirl4Ever
Posts: 223
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:26 pm

Postby KylezGirl4Ever » Fri Jul 14, 2006 9:04 pm

One thing: have you ever heard of mine? It's called 'The New Kids Part I (My First FanFic). Sounds similar to yours and I wrote it before. Whatever. It's pretty good but lots of them are OOC.
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Rualya
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:38 am

Postby Rualya » Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:30 pm

I have not read it yet. I'm sorry if it's similar. I didn't intend it to be!
Last edited by Rualya on Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Rualya
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Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:38 am

Postby Rualya » Mon Jul 24, 2006 2:41 am

Emily did not come to school the next or the day after that. "Where's Emily?" He said nothing. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan thought nothing different of Mark.

Emily came back on Thursday that week. Mark stopped her in the hall.

"Well, It appears that the b*tch descided to come to school." He said.

Emily flipped him off and walked on by. Kenny walked up to Emily and smiled. She smiled back and they walked to class.

At recess Mark and the other guys talked by the swings where
Emily, Kenny and Butters were.

"I can't believe you let that b*tch follow you around!", Mark said. Stan and Kyle didn't say anything. "If I were you I would just flip her off and tell her to get the f**k away from me." Kenny (who had been listening) walked over to Mark and kicked him in the nuts. Mark fell to the ground. Kenny then said,

"I challenge you to a fight you B*stard!"

Once he regained his strength he stood up. "Fine. Monday. Right after school.", Mark said.

Chapter 7- Coming Soon!

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