The Random Simpsons Quotes Thread

[Feral Ibis]

Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have ye got any grease?
Doris: Yes. Yes we do.
Willie: Then grease me up woman!
Doris: Okey-dokey

[iceiwynd]

Hank Scorpio: Ever seen a guy say goodbye to a shoe?

Homer: (laughing) Yes, once.

[Arahitogami]

Dr. Nick: All right! Free nose jobs for everybody! Ugh, you first!

[general disaray]

Lisa: That wasn't an appropriate story to tell to a child
Wiggum: Really, I keep my pants on this version

[love*metal]

Marge - ''Kid's can be so cruel''
Bart - ''We can! Thanks mom!''
Lisa - ''Owwwwww, Quit it bart!''

[Feral Ibis]

Burns: I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%.
Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, Sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!

[triplemultiplex]

"This isn't a belt; it's a tactical pants retaining unit."

---

"Ah, for the days when air travel was a gentleman's pursuit; before any Joe Sweatsock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray and jet off to Raleigh-Durham."

---

"Quimby; if you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.
(Payed for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee)"

---

Bart: "Milhouse, what happened? You were supposed to be the night watchman."

Milhouse: "And I watched the whole thing. First it started falling down, and then it fell down."

[iceiwynd]

"I'LL KILL THAT MR. BURNS! And... wound that... Mr. Smithers."

---

See you in the car!
Best wishes,
-Milhouse

---

"Yo, uh... Wallet inspector!"
"Here you go. I'm sure you'll find that everything's in perfect order..."

---

"Whoa, so this is what it feels like to be robbed. I've gotta go see my therapist, and rob his ass."

[AngusMcTavish]

Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Oh, shut up!

Band leader: For our next song, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you like the Doobie Brothers, because we've got one of them!

Bart: OW! Quit it. OW! Quit it. OW! Quit it.

(Three kids in a row, two are wearing cowboy garb, the other is on his back.)
Lisa: Howdy, y'all! I'm Annie Oakley!
Nelson: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his many Western film roles!
Ralph: I'm a gulch!

[MCkormick2]

Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, unionized work has been called an "agonizing dinosaur".

Homer: (Pterodactyl noise).

--

Can't sleep, clown will eat me...

--

Homer: There's a question here that's crossed out.
Naval Reserve Man: Due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask this question anymore...
Homer: I think I can figure it out: "Are you a homossexual?"
Naval Reserve Man: Please, sir, don't answer it. I could go to jail!
Homer: But I'm not a ho(interrupted)
Naval Reserve Man: Lalalalalala, I am not listening, lalalalalala (runs away).
Homer: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay.

--

Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you, Smithers?
Smithers: Boy, would I...

[Aym_Dand]

Troy McClure: "Oh, no, I was wrong. It was Earth all along. I guess you finally made a monkey-"

Monkeys: "Yes we finally made a monkey-"

Troy McClure: "You fi-nally made a mon-key out of Meeeee... I Love You Dr. Zaius!"

[Jay C]

Moe: [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calling] Hugh Jass! Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Man: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone. [hands over the receiver]
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man.

---

Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

---

Bart: Hey Duffman
Duffman: Please I'm not "Duffman!" anymore, I'm just plain old Barry Duffman, oh yeah.

EDIT: I fixed up the 'Hugh Jazz' quote

[triplemultiplex]

"This will be like taking candy from a baby... Say that sounds like a larf."

---

Mr. Burns: "Uh, this could take a while. Smithers, why don't you get drunk and stumble around for my amusement?"

Mr. Smithers: "I'll be a one-man conga line, sir."

---

"If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a piece of hose."

---

Rex Banner: "You're out there, Beer Baron, and I'm going to get you if it's the last thing I do."

Homer: (faintly in the distance) "No you won't!"

Rex Banner: "Yes I will!"

Homer: (faintly in the distance) "Bullsh.....!"

[Aym_Dand]

How could I forget my all-time favorite Simpsons quote.

Homer: "Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the CREAMY middles. Sure, I might offend a few the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors. Oh, I'll never be the DARLING of the so-called 'CITY FATHERS,' who CLUCK their tongue, STROKE their beard and talk about, 'What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?'"

[jjmac12345]

Homer and Marge in bed....


Marge: What are you doing Homer?

Homer: Replacing the batteries in all the remotes, we're all out of c's, so I'm widdling down some d's.

Marge: Homer you're getting acid in the bed, I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.

Homer: She sure loves that couch.