The Random Simpsons Quotes Thread

[AngusMcTavish]

Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!!

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Ralph: I bent my Wookiee.

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Chief Wiggum: Sorry, wrong number. This is 9-1-2. (hangs up phone)

[triplemultiplex]

Chief Wiggum: Sorry, wrong number. This is 9-1-2. (hangs up phone)

I always thought this ^^ quote from Dog of Death was interesting because a couple seasons later in the Stonecutters episode (Homer the Great), Lenny tells Homer, "...don't bother dialing 9-1-1 anymore. Here's the real number." and hands him a card that says 9-1-2.

[Thunderhorse]

Homer: Stupid horse! It's a Deer crossing!

[iceiwynd]

Lenny: They say he carved it himself... from a bigger spoon.

---

Moe: Well if you're so sure what it ain't, how about telling us what it am!

---

Bart: And I'll take up smoking, and give that up!
Homer: Good job, boy. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Here, have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? ... Hey, he didn't! (Snatches the dollar back.)

---

Lisa: Why don't you just EAT HIM, Dad?!

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Sign Gag: Hairy Shearers

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Homer: Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

[Aym_Dand]

Maggie: "This is truly a disturbing universe."

[triplemultiplex]

"Man, that saxophone would make a really great bong."

----

"Krusty Burger is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 US Olympic Team."

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"Press any key to continue. Hmm, I see "Esk", "Ca-tarl" and "Pig Up"; there doesn't seem to be any "any" key.
I think I'll order a Tab. Oop, no time for that, the computer's starting."

[AngusMcTavish]

Homer's car hits an animal statue...

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!

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Homer (on Lisa's sax, to Beethoven's 5th): Sax-o-mo-phoooone, sax-o-mo-phooooooooone...

[Aym_Dand]

Lady: Please be careful on my asphalt.
Homer: So then I said, "Kiss my asphalt." Mmm?

[triplemultiplex]

Carl: "I hear we're going to Ape Island."

Lenny: "...to catch a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island."

3rd co-worker: "What do they have there?"

Carl: "Apes. But they're not as big."

---

"I think women and seamen don't mix"

---

sign gag:

Nachos
Rifles
and
Alcohol

Meeting Tonight

[iceiwynd]

Rod: I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart!
Todd: Where?
Rod: Down in my heart to stay! And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack!
Todd: Ouch!
Rod: Sit on a tack!
Todd: Ouch!

---

Todd: And please make her tell us a story. About two robots. Named Rod and Todd.
Lisa: Once upon a time, there was a robot, named Todd.
Todd: Did he have a brother?
Lisa: Yes. He had a brother named Rod, who was two space years older than him.
Todd: (Pulling up his blankets.) I don't like this story.

---

Lisa: You're wrong! You're all wrong! The whole damned system is WRONG!

---

Colonel Tex O'Hara: Look at all them stars. How many do you think there are?
Homer: Two.

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Homer: This donut has purple. Purple is a fruit.

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"Yup, I seen her. That is to say, I saw her."

...

"Yup, I saw her. That is to say, I seen her."

---

Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!
Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".

---

Bart: Allowance! Ding ding ding ding ding.
Marge: You two don't deserve an allowance!
Lisa: Sure we do! Ding ding ding ding ding.
Bart and Lisa: Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!
Homer: Ice cream man, ice cream man!

[triplemultiplex]

Eddie: "Alright, you're free to go."

Moe: "Good, 'because I got a hot date tonight."

lie dectector: "Bzzzzt!"

Moe: "A date."

lie dectector: "Bzzzzt!"

Moe: "Dinner with a friend."

lie dectector: "Bzzzzt!"

Moe: "Dinner alone."

lie dectector: "Bzzzzt!"

Moe: "Alright! I'm gonna stay at home and ogle the girls in the Victoria's Secret catalogue."

lie dectector: "Bzzzzt!"

Moe: "...Sears catalogue."

lie dectector: "Ding!"

Moe: "Now will you unhook this thing already?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!"

lie dectector: "Bzzzzt!"

[triplemultiplex]

Marge: "You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off of you!"

Mr. Burns: "You don't have to sue me to get my pants off. rrrowll..."

[KyleSchwartz#1]

I hope this one isn't on here yet. (Too many to read all)

Homer: "To alcohol! The cause of- and solution to- all of life's problems."

[triplemultiplex]

^^

Sorry, I beat you to it. Still a great quote, though.


"Okay, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game... ..... ...... ....... ......
Eh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry, Hungry Hippos!"

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Mayor Quimby: "Are these teeth marks?"

Homer: "I thought there was chocolate inside."

(Quimby looks at Homer like he's an idiot.)

Homer: "Well then why was it wrapped in foil?"

Mayor Quimby: "It never was!"

---

Real Estate Agent: "Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it."

Homer: "Mmmm, hog fat..."

[love*metal]

Lawyer - ''What about that tatoo on your chest, Doesn't it say Die Bart Die?''

Sideshow Bob - ''No thats german for The Bart The''.