Randy: See you later, Sharon! *Waves to Sharon through the window and backs out of the driveway. The car bumps and Randy hears a thud behind him* What the hell? *Rushes outside and sees Stan lying unconscious behind the car* Oh my God! Stan, can you hear me?! *Stan doesn’t move* No! I’ve killed Stan!
In the hospital, Randy and Sharon are talking to a doctor.
Dr.: He’s going to be fine. He just has a bump on his head from where he hit the ground, but other than that, everything’s ok. He should even be able to go back to school tomorrow.
Sharon: Can we go in and see him now?
Dr.: Yes, go ahead.
*Randy and Sharon walk into the next room where Stan is lying in bed with a bandage on his head*
Randy: Stan? How are you feeling?
Stan: Ok I guess. My head hurts a bit. What happened?
Randy: I accidentally ran you over when I was backing out of the driveway. Stan, I’m so sorry. I feel terrible.
Stan: Dad, it’s fine. I’m ok. And it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Randy: No, it’s not fine. Let me make it up to you, son. How about I take you to Disney Land?
Stan: I… really? Disney Land? Wow, sweet dude! Can I bring a friend too?
Randy: Sure, anything you want.
It’s the next day and Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are waiting at the bus stop. Stan runs up to them.
Stan: Hey guys, you’re not gonna believe this!
Kyle: Hey Stan. *Sees the bandage on Stan’s head* Are you ok? What happened to your head?
Stan: My dad ran me over, and he felt so bad he’s gonna take me to Disney Land to make up for it!
Kyle: Really?! Oh man, I wish my dad would run me over so I could go to Disney Land.
Cartman: I wish your dad would run you over so I could go to your funeral.
Kyle: Shut the f*ck up Cartman!
Stan: Anyway, he said I get to take a friend!
Cartman: Yes! Oh, awesome! I always knew being friends with you would pay off!
Stan: What are you talking about, Cartman? I’m taking Kyle.
Kenny: Aww. *Looks sad*
Stan: Don’t worry, Kenny. I’ll bring you lots of souvenirs, I promise.
Cartman: Souvenirs aren’t f*cking good enough!
Stan: I wasn’t talking to you, fatass. You’re not getting anything.
Cartman: But… you can’t do this! You can’t go to Disney Land and not take me! We’ve known each other since kindergarten!
Stan: Yeah. And I regret that every day.
Cartman: Fine. Screw you guys, I’m going home. My mom will give me a ride to school. Come on Kenny.
Kenny: F*ck you, dude. I’m staying here.
Cartman: I’ve got twenty bucks. *Takes out 20 dollar bill*
Kenny: Ok. *Takes 20 dollars and turns to leave but then turns back to Stan* You’ll still bring me back presents, right?
Stan: Yeah. Don’t worry, I know it’s unfair to ask you to stay when money’s involved. Go ahead.
Kenny: Thanks. *Walks off with Cartman*
*Cartman and Kenny get to Cartman’s house*
Cartman: Mom?! I need a ride to school! The guys at the bus stop are being assh*les!
Leanne: Ok, Poopsykins. *Turns to Kenny* Do you want a ride too?
Kenny: Hell yeah I want a ride *Says some dirty sounding stuff that can’t be heard then starts laughing while Cartman frowns at him*
Leanne: Ok then, hop in the car and I’ll drop you boys off at school. *Winks at Kenny*
It’s lunch time at school, and Kenny and Cartman are in the playground.
Kenny: This is so weak. With just the two of us hanging out, people are gonna think we’re gay or something.
Cartman: Yeah, we should probably… wait. You’ve just given me an idea. If we’re hanging out on our own, that means Stan and Kyle are hanging out on their own too, right? *Turns to Craig* Craig! Get your ass over here!
Cartman: You didn’t hear this from me, but Stan and Kyle are totally doing each other.
Craig: What? No way.
Cartman: Yes way, they’re planning a romantic trip to Disney land as kind of a honeymoon to mark the start of their dating. That’s why we’re not hanging out with them any more. They want it to be just the two of them.
Craig: Yeah right. This is just another one of your stupid rumours.
Cartman: Don’t believe me? Go and walk past them and try and hear their conversation. Chances are they’re talking about their romantic getaway now.
Craig: Ok. *Walks past Stan and Kyle*
Kyle: Oh man, I can’t believe we’re actually going to Disney Land!
Stan: Yeah, it’s gonna be so awesome, just the two of us.
Craig: *Continues walking* Oh my God! It’s true! *Shouts to a group of boys* Hey guys!
*Stan and Kyle continue their conversation*
Kyle: Yeah. No stupid Cartman ruining it.
Stan: I kinda wanna bring Kenny too, but this trip’s costing my dad a fortune as it is.
Kyle: Yeah, I can’t believe how much your dad is spending on this. My dad would never spend that much on me.
*Silence for a second*
Stan: See? If Cartman was here, he probably would’ve made some stupid joke about your dad being a cheap Jew.
Kyle: Yeah. *Silence for another second* It sure is quiet without Cartman around.
Stan: Yeah, it kicks ass!
*Meanwhile Craig is talking to some other boys*
Craig: Yeah. Apparently they’re totally going at it and they’re going on a romantic getaway to Disney Land. I just heard Stan say how it’s gonna be great “just the two of them”. And they’re not hanging out with Cartman or Kenny anymore ‘cos they wanted to be a couple.
Clyde: I suppose that makes sense. They’re always together. They always pick each other first for sports even though Kyle’s not that good at most of them. And if Stan was straight, he probably would’ve taken Wendy with him to Disney Land.
Other boys: Yeah.
Jimmy: We should try and be u-u-understanding. Don’t say anything that might offend them.
Tweak: Oh God! How do we know what’s gonna offend them? What if I screw up and say something wrong?
Craig: Well maybe we should just try and avoid them for a while. But if they talk to you, be nice. Remember what happened to Cartman when they thought he committed a hate crime? The same thing might happen to us if they think we’re homophobes.
Kenny: Cartman, you’re an assh*le. Stan’s taking Kyle with him ‘cos he’s his best friend, not ‘cos they’re gay.
Cartman: We don’t know that for sure. *Kenny frowns at him* Alright, I know they’re not gay. But don’t you wanna get back at them for not taking you to Disney Land?
Kenny: He could only take one friend. You know him and Kyle are closer than us.
Cartman: Whatever. Let’s just focus on getting more friends so we don’t look gay like them. *Turns to where Butters is sitting* Butters! *Butters walks up to them*
Butters: Oh, hey fellas. How’s it going?
Cartman: Butters, you’re hanging out with us now.
Butters: Ok. But I should tell you, I’m not in the best mood.
Cartman: We don’t care.
Butters: Last night my parents grounded me for two months.
Butters: Because they got bored. I hate my parents. I have the worst luck in the world.
Kenny: Oh please. My parents are always broke ‘cos they spend all their money on alcohol just so they can get drunk and fight all the time. I think my luck’s a bit worse than yours. At least your parents care about you.
Butters: My parents are crazy control freaks! I’d prefer if my parents let me do whatever I want like yours, even if they were drunk all the time.
Kenny: Oh yeah? *Takes out the 20 dollar bill Cartman gave him earlier* I bet you twenty bucks I’m worse off than you.
Butters: You’re on! How are we gonna prove who’s worse off than who?
Kenny: I think I know how.
It’s after school and Cartman, Kenny and Butters are at Dr. Mephesto’s laboratory on the hill.
Dr. Mephesto: A way to prove whose luck is worse? I’m afraid there’s no way to do that without going over every moment in your life.
Butters: Aww. I guess there’s no way to prove who wins the bet then. Now I’ve gotta get home before my parents realise I’m not there.
Dr. Mephesto: Well you could try a machine that would switch your luck round, and then you could see first hand who is worse off.
Kenny: That could work. How long will it take to build?
Dr. Mephesto: Funnily enough, I already have one built. *Unveils machine with two chambers and a control panel covered in buttons*
Butters: How does it work?
Dr. Mephesto: You just step into this chamber here, and Kenny, you step into the other one. Then I’ll set the machine to transfer your luck and you’ll each see what it’s like to be in the other ones shoes.
Butters: I’m not sure about this, fellas.
Cartman: Don’t be such a little pussy, Butters.
Kenny: Yeah. You’re just scared ‘cos you know I’ll win the bet.
Butters: Nu-uh. *Steps into the first chamber and Kenny steps into the second one*
Dr. Mephesto: Now are you boys sure about this? This machine has never been properly tested. I’m not a hundred percent sure what will happen.
Butters: Yeah, I’m gonna win that twenty dollars.
Dr. Mephesto: Ok. *Presses some button and throws the switch. Some electricity bolts start shooting from the sides and the machine starts shaking. After a few seconds the machine quietens down* I think it worked. Hold on, this isn’t right. *Suddenly the machine starts up again and bigger electricity bolts fly out of the sides. Smoke starts coming from the machine and it starts shaking violently*
Cartman: What the hell is going on?
Dr. Mephesto: Something’s gone wrong with the machine. Duck! *Just then the machine explodes, throwing Kenny and Butters across the room. They each hit the wall on the other side of the room and neither of them move*
Cartman: *Sees a pool of blood spread from where Kenny is lying* Oh my God! You killed Kenny! I’ll kick you in the nuts! *Kicks Dr. Mephesto in the nuts and Dr. Mephesto crumples in a heap on the floor*
Kenny: *Gets up* No, dude, I’m ok. I just have a cut on my arm. *Shows Cartman the cut on his arm where the blood was coming from*
Cartman: Oh. *Turns to Dr. Mephesto* Sorry about that. *Turns to Butters* Hey, Butters, get up. We’re going before this guy blows us all up. *Butters doesn’t move* Butters? *Walks over to where Butters is lying and turns him over. Butters still doesn’t move* Butters, wake up. *Feels for Butters’ pulse but there is none* Butters is… dead.
Kenny: *To Dr. Mephesto* You… you… killed Butters! You f*cking bastard!
Cartman: Relax, Kenny. We’ll find another friend to replace Butters.
Kenny: But… don’t you care that your friend just died?
Cartman: Butters wasn’t really our friend. We were just hanging out with him so we didn’t look like a bunch of fags. Now let’s go and see if we can find Tweak. *Starts leaving* You coming?
Kenny: In a minute. I wanna say goodbye to Butters.
Cartman: Ok I’ll leave you and your boyfriend alone. *Leaves*
Kenny: *Walks over to where Butters is lying* Butters, I know we weren’t that close, but I’ll miss you. I feel like this is my fault. Like this was meant to be me. And, without meaning to, you’ve just saved my life. And by taking this hit for me you’ve made it so I can live my life like everyone else, without fearing death. You were a true friend, Butters. *Holds Butters’ body and starts crying*
Dr. Mephesto: *Walks over to comfort Kenny* Don’t worry, Kenny. He’s in heaven now.
Tweak: *Leaves flowers down* Goodbye Butters. I didn’t really know you, but if I did, I’d probably miss you.
Cartman: *Leaves flowers down* Goodbye Butters. You always helped us out when we needed you to, and maybe I shouldn’t have played as many pranks on you as I did, but you were a little pussy. *Kenny punches him* Ow! Kenny! Knock it off! Hey, you guys wanna have a snowball fight?
Kenny: You can’t have a snowball fight at a funeral, fatass!
Cartman: Fine. We’ll go over there. *Starts leaving and Tweak follows* You coming Kenny?
Kenny: No, I’ll catch up.
Cartman: Ok. C’mon Tweak. *They both leave*
Kenny: *Leaves flowers down* Butters, I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is all my fault! *Starts crying*
Leanne: *Sees Kenny crying, comes over and gives him a hug* It’s ok. Your little friend is in a better place now.
Kenny: No, it’s not ok. It’s my fault this happened!
Leanne: Oh, I’m sure that’s not true. *Kenny starts crying harder* Come on, don’t cry. You know what cheers my little Eric up when he’s feeling down? *Kenny shakes his head* Eating a big plate of my special double chocolate chip cookies! Why don’t you come over and I’ll make you some? They never fail to put a smile on Eric’s face.
Kenny and Leanne are at Cartman’s house, sitting at a table, eating cookies.
Leanne: There, now don’t you feel better?
Kenny: *Nods* No offence, but how did Cartman come from someone so nice? He’s… well, sometimes I think he’s the anti-Christ.
Leanne: Oh, I know he can be a handful sometimes. That’s probably my fault for spoiling him so much. I came close to changing him once, but then I realised I needed him as a friend more than I needed him as a son. I don’t really have that many close friends.
Kenny: I’ll be your friend. *Puts his hand on hers*
Leanne: *Smiles* I’d like that.
It’s two hours later, almost dark, and Cartman and Tweak are still having a snowball fight.
Tweak: Man, it’s getting late.
Cartman: Yeah, we’ve been having this snowball fight for ages. I should ring my mom to pick me up. *Takes out mobile phone and dials number*
*Back at Cartman’s house, the phone is ringing and Kenny and Leanne are lying naked in bed together, each smoking a cigarette*
Kenny: Ignore it.
*Back to Cartman and Tweak*
Cartman: God damn it! My mom must be out. How the hell am I gonna get home?
Tweak: Just walk. That’s what I’m doing.
Cartman: We’re not all top athletes, Tweak. I’m not walking home.
Tweak: Then stay here. I’m leaving. *Walks off*
Cartman: I’m gonna kill my mom when I see her! How could she go out and forget she needed to pick me up? *Walks off*
It’s a few minutes later and Cartman is just arriving at his house, out of breath. He hears banging upstairs.
Cartman: Those water pipes must be playing up again. Why the hell hasn’t mom gotten them fixed yet? *Banging speeds up and then stops* Oh good. It’s stopped. *Goes into the kitchen, comes out with a bag of Cheesy Poofs and turns on the TV*
Kenny: *Comes downstairs with his parka messily on and jumps in shock when he sees Cartman* Aagh! Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?
Cartman: I live here, dipsh*t.
Kenny: I thought you were having a snowball fight with Tweak?
Cartman: That was over two hours ago!
Kenny: Really? Two hours? Wow!
Cartman: What are you doing here anyway?
Kenny: Erm, I started crying at Butters’ funeral and your mom made me some cookies to cheer me up.
Cartman: You started crying at a funeral? Hahaha, what a baby! Wait a minute, my mom was here the whole time? Why the f*ck didn’t she answer the phone when I rang?
Kenny: She was… in the bathroom.
Leanne: *Comes down the stairs, also with clothes thrown messily on* Kenny, who are you talking to- oh, hi Eric! You’re back already?
Cartman: Mom, I was out for 2 hours!
Leanne: Really? *Looks at Kenny*
Kenny: *Looks back at Leanne* I know, right?
Cartman: Hey mom, the plumbing was making noises again just before you came downstairs. It was really loud, you should get someone to fix it.
Leanne: Yes sweetie, I’ll get onto that.
Cartman: Hey, Kenny said you made cookies. You better have saved me some. I probably just walked further than I’ve ever walked in my life. I can feel myself wasting away.
Leanne: Yes, come into the kitchen, I think there’s some left. *Her and Cartman go into the kitchen. Leanne turns around to Kenny, makes the shape of a phone to her ear and mouths “call me”. Kenny nods and then leaves*
Kyle: Man, Disney Land was so awesome, I didn’t wanna leave!
Stan: I know. It sucks to be back at school. Where the hell is Butters anyway?
Kyle: I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since the last time we were at school.
Clyde: Hey guys. So, I heard the two of you went to Disney Land together.
Stan: Yeah, it was so cool! It was the best few days of my life!
Clyde: So, you two enjoyed it?
Kyle: Yeah, the rides were amazing!
Clyde: … I’ll bet they were. I have to go now.
Stan: Hmm. Is it just me or was he being a bit weird with us just now?
Kyle: Yeah, it seemed like it. *To Craig* Hey, Craig! Where’s Butters? I haven’t seen him in a while.
Craig: You mean nobody told you guys? Butters is dead. They had his funeral while you two were in Disney Land.
Stan: No… Butters can’t be dead.
Craig: Well, I’ve gotta go. Bye guys.
Kyle: No wonder people are being weird with us! We were in Disney Land having the time of our lives while people were here mourning Butters!
Stan: You really think that’s why? I mean, we didn’t know!
Kyle: It must be why. I know, let’s ask Jimmy. He wouldn’t lie to us. *To Jimmy* Hey Jimmy!
Jimmy:*Walks over* Hey guys. What’s up?
Kyle: Jimmy, why are people being so weird with us? Is it because we were in Disney Land while Butters’ funeral was going on?
Jimmy: No I don’t think so. Well if people are being w-w-weird, they’re probably just uncomfortable around ho-homo-homosexuals.
Stan and Kyle: WHAT?!
Jimmy: It’s alright, we know. You don’t have to h-h-hide it.
Stan: Who the hell told you this? Was it Cartman?
Jimmy: No, actually, it was Craig.
Kyle: Don’t lie for him. I bet he started this rumour ‘cos he didn’t get to come to Disney Land. Come on, Stan. Let’s find that son of a bitch. *Stan and Kyle leave to where Cartman, Kenny and Tweak are*
Kenny: Hey guys, did you get me presents?
Stan: Oh yeah, here you go. *Hands him a Disney Land bag full of toys and things*
Kyle: Cartman, what the f*ck d’you think you’re doing, starting a rumour that we’re gay?!
Cartman: Oh yes, I heard about that. You don’t need to hide it anymore guys. We’ll all accept you no matter what.
Kyle: Don’t act all innocent, fatass. We know it was you who started that rumour. I mean, who else would?
Cartman: Look, I didn’t start that rumour. Maybe everyone just figured it out by themselves?
Stan: We’re not f*cking gay, you fat f*ck! I have a girlfriend!
Cartman: Who you chose to leave behind while you take a guy with you on what’s probably the most romantic holiday you’ll ever have a chance to give her.
Stan: How was it romantic? My dad was there!
Cartman: Of course he was there, he paid for it. But was he with you all the time? Did he watch you the whole time you were there?
Stan: No, but that’s only ‘cos he drank too much and wandered off. He was always back by the next morning.
Cartman: So you spent the nights unsupervised. Just think about it. Would a straight guy have chosen to bring another guy on a vacation for two rather than his girlfriend? *Stan looks shocked at this*
Kyle: Oh, no. Don’t try and mess with our heads. You’re not getting out of this one.
Cartman: Come on, Kyle. Isn’t it better that you admit it to yourselves now rather than end up realising twenty years later, and destroying the lives of your wife and kids? Remember how long it took Ms. Garrison to realise she was gay back when she was a man? And it took even longer to realise she was a lesbian. Do you want to end up like Ms. Garrison? Or remember when Butters’ dad realised he liked men, and he nearly drove his wife insane and got Butters killed? Is that the future you want for your family?
Kyle: *Looks slightly shocked, but shakes it off and continues talking* That would probably scare me if I was actually gay, but I’m not. Me and Stan are best friends, nothing more.
Cartman: Oh, come on. You’re always together. Do you think it’s normal that Stan spends far more time with you than he does with his actual girlfriend? And what about you? Have you ever even had a proper girlfriend?
Kyle: You’ve never had a proper girlfriend either, fatass!
Cartman: I’m not the one on trial here.
Kyle: Neither are we! *To Stan* C’mon Stan. We’re not gonna get anywhere with Cartman. Let’s just leave him to think what he wants. *They both walk away*
Kyle: WHAT?! Is the whole world gone f*cking insane?
Stan: Well he’s right. Don’t you think a straight guy would’ve chosen to take his girlfriend with him on holiday rather than another guy?
Kyle: But Stan, you’re my best friend. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Stan: Of course it does. Maybe it counts for too much. He’s right. I spend pretty much every day with you. And how much time do I spend with my girlfriend? Hardly any! That can’t be normal.
Kyle: I can’t believe I’m hearing this. My own best friend, who I’ve known since I can remember, is turning gay on me!
Stan: I’m not saying we should start f*cking or anything like that, but maybe we should make sure there’s no feelings there before we decide for definite. I mean, do we really want to realise in twenty years and end up like Ms. Garrison or Butters’ dad?
Kyle: You’re right. I really don’t wanna end up like Ms. Garrison. Well how do we know if there’s any feelings there?
Stan: How about we go on a date, one date, and if either of us feels differently about each other then at least we’ll know.
Kyle: I don’t know. We’d have to make sure no one we know finds out about this or we’ll never hear the end of it.
It’s after school and Stan and Kyle are on a date at a table at Buca Di Fagacini.
Kyle: The spaghetti looks nice.
Stan: Yeah. I think I might have the pizza though.
Kyle: Yeah, the pizza looks nice too.
Waiter: *Comes over to table* So what can I get you boys?
Kyle: I’ll have the spaghetti bolognaise with parmesan cheese.
Waiter: Ok. *To Stan* And you?
Stan: I’ll have the margarita pizza.
Waiter: Ok. We should have that to you in a few minutes. *Walks off*
Stan: So... how are you?
Kyle: I’m… good.
Stan: Nice weather we’re having.
Kyle: Yeah, it is.
*A few seconds of silence go by*
Kyle: So… Butters is dead. That sucks, huh?
*It’s a few minutes later and the waiter is coming over with the food*
Stan: Oh, thank God, the food’s finally here.
Kyle: You know, the food arriving shouldn’t be the most exiting thing about our date. If we were comfortable around each other that way, I’m sure we’d know. But this whole evening we’ve been forcing small talk like two people who’ve never met before on a really awkward date.
Stan: Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for you this whole evening.
Kyle: But then again, maybe that’s ‘cos going to restaurants is something we’d normally do as friends anyway. I mean, if there were feelings, we sure didn’t explore them tonight.
Stan: Well what should we do?
Kyle: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but remember when Wendy thought she had a crush on Cartman but she kissed him and realised she didn’t have any feelings for him after all?
Stan: *Looking kind of angry/sad at remembering that* Yes I do remember. Wait, you’re not saying…
Kyle: Yes. We have to kiss, get it out of the way, and then we’ll know for sure.
Stan: But… dude, that’s gross!
Kyle: But once it’s over we can be a hundred percent sure.
Stan: Man, Cartman can really mess with your head. Can you believe he’s got us prepared to kiss each other?
Kyle: I know. It’s like his ultimate revenge for not taking him to Disney Land. And he can’t even see it.
Stan: Well… are we really gonna do it?
Kyle: Do we have a choice? It’s either this, or wonder forever.
Kyle: Well? Feel any different?
Stan: No. Except I feel a bit grossed out.
Kyle: Well at least you didn’t throw up on me like you do with Wendy.
Stan: Wait, that’s it! I throw up on Wendy because I like her that way! I don’t like you that way, so I didn’t throw up on you! This is great! I’m not gay!
Kyle: Yeah. I can’t believe it took all that for us to work that out. Are we that messed up that anyone can tell us we’re gay and we believe it?
Stan: Not anyone. Cartman. He can mess with anyone’s head. At least he didn’t feed us our parents to do it.
Cartman: You’re right Stan. I should’ve done that too.
Kyle: No! No no no no no!
Cartman: Yes, Kyle. You see, this was my master plan all along! And the sad part is, you guessed my plan and still fell for it! Hahahahahahaha!
Stan: Cartman, you fat mother f*cker!
Cartman: Call me what you want, Stan. But d’you know what this is? *Holds out a Polaroid camera and a photo of Stan and Kyle kissing*
Stan: You… you didn’t…
Cartman: Yes, I did. I have a picture of your little love scene right here. And tomorrow I’m gonna show it to everyone. It’s my ultimate revenge for you not bringing me to Disney Land! Hahahahaha!
Cartman: Yes Kyle. And when I show this in school tomorrow no one will believe you if you say you’re straight! *To Stan* Wendy will break up with you, and no girl will ever go near either of you again!
Kyle: I’m not sure if there’s any sense pleading with you, since you have no soul, but please. Do not bring that picture into school tomorrow. *Gets down on his knees* I’m actually begging you, Cartman. Please. D’you want money? Jew gold? Or how about I give you the answers to every test we have from now on? Anything!
Cartman: Well you might be able to change my mind. I want you… to suck my balls.
Kyle: What?! But I thought you were happy with the imaginary Kyle sucking your imaginary balls?
Cartman: Well I changed my mind. I want you, the real you, to suck my balls.
Cartman: Or d’you want me to show this picture tomorrow? D’you want Wendy to break up with Stan?
Kyle: *Looks at Stan then looks back at Cartman* Fine. I’ll do it.
Cartman: Excellent. Come on then, you two. We’ll do this in the alley behind this place.
Stan: Gross, dude. I don’t wanna watch this.
Cartman: But I want you to see your friend suffer. Now come on. *All three boys leave the restaurant to the alley outside*
Cartman: Same as before, thirty seconds, no breaks. Are you ready Kyle?
Kyle: *Sighs* As ready as I’ll ever be.
*Cartman pulls down his pants and Kyle starts sucking his balls*
Cartman: Oh, yes! I’ve worked so long and hard for this! I must savour every moment!
Stan: Oh, man that’s nasty. Do I have to watch this?
Cartman: Yes, you do Stan. You must see my moment of victory!
Stan: *Throws up*
Cartman: Haha! What’s wrong Stan? Is this turning you on?
Stan: No! I threw up ‘cos this is making me sick!
Cartman: Sure you did. Everyone knows you throw up when you like what you see. I guess this must be pretty hot for you, huh?
Stan: Dude, shut the f*ck up! If anyone’s gay, it’s you! You’ve worked so hard just so a guy will suck your balls. If that’s not gay, I don’t know what is.
Cartman: I didn’t do this for my pleasure. I did this for Kyle’s pain. Seeing him suffer is sweeter than anything else life has to offer.
Stan: You’re seriously f*cked up, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, but I still got Kyle to suck my balls. And that’s 30 seconds. Congratulations Kyle. Now I will be forever able to that Kyle Brofloski sucked my balls!
Kyle: I feel sick. *Throws up*
Cartman: Man, everyone’s hot for me tonight.
Stan: Alright, Kyle sucked your balls, now hand over the picture.
Cartman: I think I’ll keep it as a memento. And if you ever step out of line again, I have the ultimate blackmail.
Cartman: Relax, I won’t show it in school tomorrow.
Kyle: You better not.
Cartman: Hey Kenny, you wanna know something awesome?
Cartman: I got Kyle to suck my balls yesterday.
Kenny: Really? How?
Cartman: I’ll show you later after school.
*It’s after school and Cartman is at Kenny’s house*
Cartman: Ok. Check this out. *Shows him the picture of Stan kissing Kyle*
Kenny: Dude, no f*cking way!
Cartman: Yes f*cking way. And here’s the best part. I got Kyle to suck my balls so I wouldn’t show the picture in school today, so I’m gonna show it in school tomorrow instead!
Kenny: Aren’t you being a bit hard on them? Just ‘cos they didn’t take you to Disney Land?
Cartman: No. They deserve everything they get.
Kenny: But you’ve proven your point, Kyle has sucked your balls, can’t you just leave it at that?
Cartman: No I can’t just leave it at that, because that isn’t enough. I must humiliate them to the point that they will never mess with me again!
Kenny: You’ve already done that. Lay off them for a while.
Cartman: Shut up Kenny. Or I’ll do the same to you. Doesn’t your poor piece of crap family have anything to eat in this dump? I’m f*cking starving. *Kenny frowns at him*
It’s the same day, Cartman has gone home and Kenny has gone to Stan’s house
Stan: *Answers the door* Oh, hey Kenny.
Kenny: Hey Stan. Can I come in?
Stan: Sure. *Both boys walk into the living room and sit down*
Kenny: Listen. Cartman told me he’s gonna show a picture of you and Stan kissing tomorrow in school.
Stan: What? But we made a deal!
Kenny: He says he only agreed not to show it today. He’s gonna show it tomorrow instead.
Stan: That fat piece of sh*t lied to us! There’s gotta be some way I can get the photo off him. But how?
Kenny: *Thinks* I know! I’ll get Cartman’s mom to destroy it for us.
Stan: Will she listen to us?
Kenny: I’m sure I can convince her. Leave it to me.
Stan: Thanks for this Kenny. If I ever go to Disney Land again, well I’ll probably take Wendy so people won’t think I’m gay. But if I go a third time, I’ll take you.
Kenny: Thanks man.
It’s still the same day, and Kenny is in bed with Leanne at Cartman’s house.
Leanne: Wow. That was amazing.
Kenny: Hey, baby, can I ask you something?
Kenny: Well you know how Eric is a self-centered, manipulative assh*le?
Kenny: Well he made a phoney deal with some of my friends and he was supposed to destroy a picture but instead he’s gonna show in school tomorrow. Do you think you could maybe see that it gets “lost” while you’re cleaning his room or something?
Leanne: Hmm. I don’t really like to lie to Eric like that.
Kenny: Please? The guys are counting on me to see that he doesn’t show that picture.
Leanne: Well, ok but only if we can *whispers some dirty sounding stuff to Kenny*
Kenny: Damn! I don’t even know what that is! But it sounds fun. Ok, deal.
It’s the next day at school during lunch. Kenny is back hanging out with Stan and Kyle.
Cartman: Kenny, how come you’re hanging out with these guys again?
Kenny: Because you’re an assh*le and to you “friend” means someone you can exploit.
Cartman: Whatever. I still have Tweak. And I’ll just get someone else to be friends with me. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Gentlemen, I have in my possession the photo you thought was gone. I don’t know how you got your hands on the first one, but I bet you weren’t counting on me making a copy!
Stan: Oh man, I can’t believe we didn’t think of that.
Kyle: Yeah, we must be pretty dumb.
Cartman: Attention everyone! I have here, a photo of Stan and Kyle that you may find interesting! *Everyone gathers round* Behold, Stan and Kyle are kissing!
Craig: So? We already know they’re gay. What was the point of this?
Clyde: Yeah, that’s stupid. You’re showing us a picture of something we already know.
Cartman: But… now you have proof!
Craig: So? What’s the big deal? It’s not like we’ve never seen two guys kissing before.
Cartman: But it’s Stan and Kyle!
Clyde: Yeah, and we already know they’re gay. This was completely pointless. And what did you do, just stalk them until you could get a picture of them kissing?
Stan: Everyone! Listen! We’re not gay! Cartman started those rumours because he was jealous I was taking Kyle to Disney Land instead of him. It wasn’t some romantic vacation, or honeymoon type thing. My dad took me to Disney Land and said I could bring a friend. I chose Kyle.
Kyle: Yeah, and then he messed with our heads and manipulated us into kissing so that he could blackmail me into sucking his balls, and then humiliate us even more with this picture!
Clyde: Yeah, that does sound like something Cartman would do.
Stan: And if we were going out, why the hell would we tell people we’re straight?
Wendy: So you’re not in love with Kyle?
Stan: Of course not!
Wendy: Oh, kiss me Stan! *She kisses him and he throws up on her*
Kyle: Looks like everything’s back to normal.
*Camera goes to Butters’ grave in the cemetery*
Thrawny wrote:Seems pretty good so far, even though you killed my favorite character...
thanks. thats the full story. i figured its long enough as it is. dont worry. butters will come back just like kenny. the point of that was to make butters the one who always dies and give kenny a break.
Also, I'm worried this fic might break the "no sexual stuff" rule ^^;
Mr.Garrison: You go to Hell, You go to Hell and you die!
I love sex-oriented Kenny stories. Kenny is my little pervert
you should write more FanFic's. Mine kinna suck
Fave ep: ESM Season 12,Sec fave: Butterballs Season 16
I'm leaving you today
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...
Goodbye, all you people
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind...
- Pink Floyd (The Wall, 1979)
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